by Ali Dean
Unlike last week, when he spent all his free time with me, he seems to be avoiding me now. We can’t be fake together, and it’s painful knowing there’s a lack of trust between us. It’s easier not to spend time together.
“What do you guys think?” I finally ask Jenny, Claire and Zoe when we’re on an easy run. It’s Friday, the day before the District Championships, but the last thing on my mind is racing.
I’ve been reluctant to ask for their opinions, fearing their answers. They’ve sensed this, and haven’t brought up the video with me yet.
“I don’t think he did it while you were together, Pepper,” Zoe says. “I’ve started to get over how gorgeous and intimidating he is over the last few months, and now I can really see how he feels for you. I’ve only missed it over the years because it’s hard to focus on anything but his hotness when he’s around.”
“It’s not so much that I doubt how he feels. It’s that I doubt his ability to be with just me. I’ve made an effort to ignore his past before, but now… I just wonder if I’ve been naïve thinking he could go from so many girls to me.” Especially since we don’t have sex, I think. But that’s our private business.
“I guess you should know that Madeline has been implying that the video was from last Saturday night, and hinting it’s not the first time that’s happened while he’s been with you,” Claire says quietly. She doesn’t listen much to gossip, so this information must be pretty well-known. I know she’s only trying to protect me from further humiliation by telling me.
“It’s a smart tactic on her part,” Jenny comments. “By being subtle about it and not so in-your-face, she makes it more believable. But I don’t believe her.”
“So, don’t get mad,” Zoe begins, “but we were talking about it at lunch yesterday. Omar was at the party and he saw Jace and Madeline go upstairs together. But he said they were up there for, like, two minutes, and it totally didn’t seem like anything happened. She actually looked pissed when she came back downstairs. I didn’t tell you earlier because you didn’t want to talk about it,” Zoe adds quickly.
“He told me he talked to her, so I already knew they were together that night,” I explain. “I just wish I could erase the video from my head.”
I’m not cut out for the popular social circles. I don’t know how to play their game. How do I know what’s real and what isn’t? On top of it all, I’m afraid to go to any more parties after what happened with Rex and Wolfe. What if they show up again?
Our relationship was finally starting to meld into the rest of our lives. I’d found my place amongst his friends and social life, and Jace was getting to know my friends, who were slowly becoming less intimidated by him. It was going so well, and it seems like overnight I’m questioning everything.
Chapter 20
By Saturday, I haven’t see Jace since Thursday morning, when he gave me a ride to school.
I can hardly believe it’s the District Championships already. The track season has flown by. After this one, there’s only State.
The 4 x 800 is nothing special. It’s not a race I ever get particularly excited about, and there have never been high expectations on me to rock the half-mile leg of that race. We place third, a solid finish.
The DMR is the last race of the day and I find myself actually looking forward to it. In the midst of everything that’s happened in the last couple of weeks, my anxiety about racing feels insignificant. I was nearly forced against my will into a pool house by a group of college guys, and I watched a video of a girl who hates me give a blowjob to my boyfriend. Why should I even care that other people have high expectations of me on the track? I’m tougher than that. Competition has always been my thing, and I won’t let my own success cripple me. It’s a revelation that lifts a heavy weight from my shoulders.
Because the DMR has a different distance for each leg of the relay, it’s an especially fun race to watch. Plus, it’s the last race of the meet, and everyone else is done with their events. Brockton Public and Everfield High have been neck and neck throughout the day’s competition. The announcer has kept us apprised of the point tally, and it’s come down to the last event.
For the first time this season, the pressure to race well feels good. I’ve been so consumed with emotional turmoil, it’s refreshing to focus on something so pure and simple. Just run fast and win the race.
Zoe races the first leg – 1200 meters, or 3 laps around the track. She raced the 2-mile earlier in the day, but she runs a strong race, coming in with the top group of four other runners. We’re not concerned with the other teams. It’s Everfield High we need to beat.
A girl that everyone calls Zippy (her real name is Liz, but even the teachers call her Zippy) races the 400. Her main event is the 400 hurdles but she’s also the fastest person on our team in the 400. Zippy moves us in front of the lead pack, but Everfield is right on her heels.
I bounce up and down, cheering words of encouragement to Jenny. She’s proven herself in the 800, and has the speed to keep us in the running. Unfortunately, the 800 leg for Everfield placed second in the individual 800 race earlier today, and Jenny can’t keep up. She comes around the last corner 10 meters behind Everfield.
I like being the underdog when I anchor a relay. But I’ve got my work cut out for me. I’m running the longest leg – the mile, 4 laps around the track. The Everfield anchor won the individual mile, and is ranked first in the event in the state. She regularly clocks under 5-minute miles, and I’ve never broken 5 minutes myself.
As soon as Jenny hands me the baton, I don’t hold back. My legs reject my usual conservative racing approach. As the anchor, I’ll either catch Everfield and Brockton Public wins Districts, or I won’t. Might as well get to her as fast as I can and see what happens. My body feels alive for the first time this season, and I’m going with it.
The roar of the crowd fuels my energy, and I easily lap two other runners as I make my way closer to the purple uniform. It takes me two laps to reach her.
She’s not a runner I recognize. Coach told me she plays soccer in the fall instead of running cross country. Apparently she’s known to give a hell of a sprint at the finish, and I need to be in a good position to hold my own. I’m feeling strong, like I can pick up the pace. Should I move ahead in anticipation of her sprint finish? If I stay with her she might outkick me. But I rarely move into the lead unless I’m sure I’ve got the reserve to keep up the pace; I’m hesitant to test my limits.
“Stop hesitating, Pepper. Pass her!” Coach yells. He knows me too well.
There’s still a lap and a half left and she’s holding a very fast pace already. I know if I pick up the pace I risk burning up. But my body is eager to prove itself and I dig deep for the courage to take the lead. I want to leave everything else going on in my life behind. It feels like if I can face down my fears on the track, I can take on everything else off the track too.
As soon as I stop holding back, a new round of energy takes hold of me and I simply zoom forward, leaving all my insecurities about proving myself on the track or burning out at the end of the race behind me.
“Pepper Jones just took this race to a new level! Katerina Davis is trying to hold on to Pepper’s pace, but boy has she dropped the hammer! Look at her go!” The announcer is a goofy guy, but his words ignite my competitive spirit and I’m determined to leave this Katerina Davis in the dust. The bell rings loudly as we pass through the finish for the last lap.
My teammates scream encouragements and it propels me forward. I can’t forget that Katerina will sprint the last 100 meters and if I don’t get ahead now, she might pass me. I have a good kick, but I’m a distance runner first and foremost, and the top miler in the state is bound to have a faster sprint than me.
When I round the last curve into the final stretch, the loudspeaker announces that “it looks like Brockton Public will take home the team trophy this year!” Hearing those words, it’s tempting to succumb to the fatigue that is now taking over, but I won’t assume that m
y lead is enough. Why win by a little when I can win by a lot?
I race to the finish like she’s right next to me, even though the crowd tells me I’ve already claimed first. It simply feels good to push my body, and feel that familiar fire inside that tells me I’ve given it my all. I rip through the finish line, and I’m greeted with high fives by my teammates.
What a rush.
My split is well under five minutes. I’ve slammed my personal record in the mile.
After a cool down, I make my way over to Gran. She’s sitting in the stands with two other women, and when they turn to face me I recognize Annie and Helen. I can’t hide my surprise at seeing them here.
“We wanted to watch one of your meets, Pepper!” Annie exclaims. “I hope you don’t mind.”
“No, that’s cool. Thanks for coming.” They congratulate me on the relay, and I smile politely at their praise.
Gran examines me for a moment before announcing that she invited Helen and Annie for dinner. “Jace too, but he told me he’s got an overnight baseball game or something.”
Annie laughs. “The game isn’t overnight, Bunny. He just has games today and tomorrow so the team is staying in a motel down there.”
Frowning, I realize I didn’t even know he’d be out of town. The games must have been rescheduled at the last minute or something because they aren’t usually scheduled for Sunday. He never said goodbye. We’ve both been closed off this week. I can’t tell if he’s feeling upset with me for hesitating in trusting him, or guilty from cheating on me.
“You talked to him?” I ask Gran.
“This morning. They were on the road.”
Helen already has dinner plans, so we offer Annie a ride to our place, since they came together.
I text Jace on the way, asking how the games went, and telling him I miss him. I do. It’s weird hanging out with Annie without him. And I can’t wait to tell him about my race today.
It’s only been four months since Annie moved back, but she’s changed significantly. She teases Gran about her soap opera addiction and asks for some easy dinner recipes so that she can start cooking.
“I’m applying to a job at the public library,” she tells us. “I want to have more regular hours. The people in my Narcotics Anonymous group all say that a stable routine is really helpful.”
She’s taking initiative, and she seems happy.
For someone I initially took as passive and lacking a backbone, she surprises me by bringing up Jace when I drive her home.
“He told me what’s been going on. How are you feeling about it?”
It’s the first time we’ve been alone together, and she cuts right to the chase.
“Uh… he talked to you about that?” I highly doubt he told her many details. It’s not like him to open up at all. I’m certainly not prepared to get personal with Annie, even if I have begun to warm up to her.
“He told me about the video, and that you won’t trust him.”
“He said that?” It’s hard to imagine Jace having a heart-to-heart with his mom about our relationship.
“I could tell he was torn up about something, so I asked him what it was. He’s hurting bad, Pepper.”
My eyes narrow as I turn onto the road to Helen’s condo. Is she trying to guilt trip me?
“I told him that I believed him. I’m trying.” My voice has an edge to it and I wish I didn’t sound so defensive. I certainly can’t tell Annie that it’s possible her son really did cheat on me.
As I pull up outside the condo, Annie unbuckles her seatbelt and puts her hand on my arm.
“I’m not going to tell you what to do, Pepper. But I’ve gotten to know you well enough these past months to see that you’re a thinker. You think through everything before you act. It’s a great quality. But this isn’t the kind of thing that you can think through and come up with the right answer. It’s more a heart thing.”
“Are you trying to tell me I should listen to my heart?” I smile and raise my eyebrows. She laughs, breaking the serious moment.
“I know, it’s incredibly cheesy. But I want to try being a mom to both of you, and that’s the best advice I have. Try not to think so hard and listen to your heart on this one.”
She winks and hops out of the car.
My heart knows exactly how it feels, and it practically bursts as I drive home, as though it’s relieved I’m finally listening to it.
Chapter 21
I try calling Jace as soon as I get home but it goes straight to voicemail. He probably forgot his charger. Normally he’d at least check in from someone else’s phone, but I don’t hear from him. I’m not worried. We’ve been having this weird standoff, and Jace is never one to pretend things are okay when they aren’t. I can’t halfway commit to trusting him anymore. It’s all or nothing.
By Sunday afternoon I’m too impatient to wait any longer. I walk over to his house. No one’s home, but I have a key to let myself in. I head downstairs and peek in his room. A hoodie lies on the floor and I pick it up. It smells like Jace. It’s only been three days since I’ve seen him, but I miss him.
I slip on his hoodie and settle onto the couch to work on a puzzle we started a couple of weeks ago.
The doorbell rings thirty minutes later, and I wonder if I should answer it. Maybe it’s Sheila here to meet Jim? But when I open the door, Madeline Brescoll stands before me.
My heart drops to my stomach.
“Oh, Pepper,” she says dismissively. “I didn’t expect to see you here.” She gives me a fake smile.
“Same,” I reply through gritted teeth.
“I’m here to see Jace,” she tells me.
“I figured.” I’m not used to being snarky but she brings out the worst in me. It’s hard to be nice to the girl who’s trying to get in the middle of my relationship with Jace. “He’s not here,” I tell her.
“Oh? That’s funny, he asked me to meet him.”
“Did he?” I straighten my shoulders.
We stare at each other for a moment.
“Maybe I should come back later,” she offers smoothly.
“What time did he ask you to come over?” I ask her before she turns to leave.
“Around now. The team bus just got back to the high school, and he’s coming straight home.”
I know how her scheming works now, and I’m not going to leave it to Jace to explain why Madeline showed up at his door. I can either let her push me around, or push her myself. If I’m putting my trust in the wrong person, I risk being humiliated. But that’s a small price to pay when the alternative could be losing Jace.
“Oh yeah? Did he call to tell you that?”
She falters for a split second before answering, but I catch her hesitation. “He texted me. Why do you ask?”
“Can I see your phone?”
“I deleted the text, Pepper. Obviously, he hasn’t broken up with you yet and I’m supposed to keep our hook-ups a secret. But you’re too naïve to know how these things work,” she says snidely, as though sophistication in cheating is an admirable quality.
“A secret? Is that what you call a video that goes viral? Or your vague answers to everyone about when that video was taken?”
She brushes her hair out of her face. “You must be even stupider than I thought if you think I sent that video out. And I was just trying to respect Jace’s wishes by not telling everyone he’s been cheating on you with me. But I didn’t want to be a liar either. So it put me in a difficult position.”
Man, this girl has an answer to everything. But my gut (or maybe it’s my heart?) tells me she’s lying. And she’s a very good liar. I have to be strong. My faith in Jace has to be stronger.
“Why don’t you just let me see your phone so I can see who told you the team was back?”
“No. You’re paranoid. Can’t you just see what’s right in front of you? He got tired of you and came back to me. Just like I warned you he would!” Madeline’s voice is shrill, and she’s losing her calm façade f
ast.
I cross my arms and glare at her. I won’t be one of her victims any more.
She spins around and walks toward her car. Before she reaches it, Jace’s Jeep turns onto Shadow Lane. She pauses mid-stride.
He pulls into the driveway and hops out. He walks straight toward me, ignoring Madeline completely. Before I can utter a word, I’m in his arms in a tight embrace, and his lips descend on mine. My head is spinning when he releases me. He searches my eyes for a moment before finally turning to Madeline.
“Why are you here?” he asks coldly.
“You know why I’m here, Jace,” she says sweetly. “You told me to meet you. It’s probably time to stop pretending with Pepper. I know you feel guilty since you’ve been friends a long time, but leading her on like this is becoming sort of cruel, don’t you think?”
She is just too much. Didn’t she just witness that display of affection?
Jace shakes his head in disbelief and turns to me with a questioning look.
“I was waiting for you to get home and she showed up. She said you texted her to tell her to meet you, but she wouldn’t show me the message,” I quickly summarize the conversation.
“Let’s see your phone,” Jace demands.
“Stop being an asshole, Jace,” she responds.
Jace stalks over to her. “Stop playing games, Madeline, and I will.”
“This is ridiculous!” she stammers.
“It got ridiculous when you took it this far to try to get my girlfriend to break up with me. When I wouldn’t break up with her over those photos, you decided to send that video. I don’t know why you had that video in the first place, but your game is starting to get pretty sick.”
Madeline takes a step back. “I didn’t send the video.”
Jace puts his hand out. “Just hand over your phone.” His tone leaves no room for argument and after a long minute, she reaches into her purse and places it in his hand.
He touches the screen a few times before pulling up what he’s looking for. Jace’s jaw clenches. “That little shit,” he murmurs.