Myth Directions

by Robert Asprin

  "I thought you'd really be upset," I stammered, still unwilling to believe my good fortune.

  "Now, don't get me wrong, kid," my mentor amended sternly, "I'm not overjoyed with your venture into thievery. You're supposed to be studying magik...the kind that will get you a raise as a court magician, not the kind that ends up with you running down a dark alley. Still, all things considered, you could have done a lot worse on your first solo trip through the dimension."

  "Gee, thanks, Aahz," I beamed.

  "So, let's see it," he smiled, extending a palm.

  "See what? "I blinked.

  "What you stole," he insisted. "If you came here direct from the scene of the crime, I assume you still have it with you."

  "Umm...actually," I gulped, avoiding his eyes again. "I--that is, we didn't get it. It's still back in Jahk somewhere."

  "You mean to say you went through all this hassle, got Tanda captured, and came running back here with your tail between your legs, and you didn't even bother to pick up what you were trying to steal?"

  The storm clouds were back in Aahz's face. I realized I was on the brink of being in trouble again.

  "But you said..." I protested.

  "I know you aren't supposed to be a thief!" my mentor roared. "But once you set your hand to it, I expect you to at least be a successful thief! To think an apprentice of mine can't even put together a workable plan..."

  "It was Tanda's plan," I offered weakly.

  "It was?" Aahz seemed slightly mollified. "Well, you should have checked it over yourself before you joined in."

  "I did," I protested. "As far as I can tell it should have worked."

  "Oh, really?" came the sarcastic reply. "All right. Why don't you tell me all about this plan that didn't work after you okayed it."

  He dragged up a chair and sat in front of me, leaving me little option but to narrate the whole story. I went over the whole thing for him; the plan, the nightingale floor, the magik wards, everything--except what we were trying to steal, and why. By the time I had finished, his jeering smile had faded to a thoughtful frown.

  "You're right, kid," he admitted at last. "It should have worked. The only thing I can figure is that they moved your target somewhere else for safekeeping--but that doesn't make sense. I mean, why would they set up all the security arrangements if the target was going to be kept somewhere else? And that group hanging around the building before you went in sounds a bit suspicious."

  He thought for a few more minutes, then sighed and shrugged his shoulders. "Oh, well," he proclaimed. "Nobody wins all the time. It didn't work and that's that. C'mon, kid. Let's get some sleep."

  "Sleep?" I gasped. "What about Tanda?"

  "What about her?" Aahz frowned.

  "They're holding her prisoner in Jahk!" I exclaimed. "Aren't we going to try to rescue her?"

  "Oh, that!" my mentor laughed. "Don't worry about her. She'll be along on her own in a little while."

  "But they're holding her prisoner!" I insisted.

  "You think so?" Aahz grinned. "Stop and think a minute, kid. How are they going to hold her? Remember, she can hop dimensions any time she wants. The only reason she didn't come back at the same time you did is that she got knocked cold. As soon as she wakes up, she'll be back. Mark my words."

  Something about his logic didn't ring true, but I couldn't put my finger on it.

  "What if they execute her before she wakes up?" I asked.

  "Execute her--?" Aahz frowned. "For what? The heist didn't work, so they've still got their whatever. I can't see anyone getting upset enough to have her executed."

  "I dunnp, Aahz," I said. "The whole city seemed pretty worked up over the Trophy, and..."

  "Trophy?" Aahz interrupted. "You mean the Trophy from the Big Game? What does that have to do with anything?"

  "That's...um, that's what we were trying to steal," I explained.

  "The Trophy?" Aahz exclaimed. "You two didn't aim small, did you? What did you want with--no, on second thought don't tell me. That woman's logic always makes my head hurt."

  "But now you see why I'm afraid they might execute her," I pressed, secretly relieved at not having to disclose the motive for our theft.

  "It's a possibility," Aahz admitted, "but I still think they'd let her wake up first. Public trials are dramatic, especially for something as big as trying to steal the Big Game Trophy. Heck, Tanda's enough of a sport that she might even stick around for the trial before popping back here."

  "You really think so?" I pressed.

  "I'm sure of it," Aahz declared confidently. "Now let's get some sleep. It sounds like it's been a long day for you."

  I grudgingly retired to my bed, but I didn't go to sleep immediately. There was still something eluding my mental grasp--something important. As I lay there, my mind began wandering back over my trip--the sights, the smells, the strange beings...

  "Aahz!" I shouted, bolting upright. "Aahz! Wake up!"

  "What is it?" my mentor growled sleepily, struggling to rise.

  "I just remembered! I was handling our disguises for the whole trip."

  "So what?" Aahz growled. "It's good practice for you,but..."

  "Don't you see?" I insisted. "If I'm here and Tanda's unconscious in Jahk, then she hasn't got a disguise! They'll be able to see she isn't one of them--that she's a demon!"

  There was a frozen moment of silence, then Aahz was on his feet, looming over me.

  "Don't just sit there, kid," he growled. "Get the D-Hopper. We're going to Jahk!"

  Chapter Eight

  "Once more into the breach..."

  -Zarna, The Human Cannonball

  FORTUNATELY, there was a setting for Jahk on our D-Hopper though Aahz had to search a bit to find it.

  I wanted to go armed to the teeth, but my mentor vetoed the plan. Under cross-examination I had had to admit that I hadn't seen anyone in that dimension wearing arms openly except the city guards, and that was that. My ability to disguise things was weak when it came to metal objects, and swords and knives would have made us awfully conspicuous walking down the street. As Aahz pointed out, the one time you don't want to wear weapons is when they're more likely to get you into trouble than out of it.

  I hate it when Aahz makes sense.

  Anyway, aside from a few such minor squabbles and disputes, our departure from Klah and our subsequent arrival at Jahk was smooth and uneventful. In hindsight, I realize that was the last thing to go right for some time.

  "Well, kid," Aahz exclaimed, looking about him eagerly, "where do we go?"

  "I don't know," I admitted, scanning the horizon.

  Aahz frowned. "Let me run this by you slowly," he sighed. "You've been here before, and I haven't. Now, even your limited brain should realize that that makes you the logical guide. Got it?"

  "But I haven't been here before," I protested. "Not here! When Tanda and I arrived, we were in a park in Ta-hoe!"

  At the moment, Aahz and I were standing beside a dirt road, surrounded by gently rolling meadows and a scattering of very strange trees. There wasn't even an outhouse in sight, much less the booming metropolis I had visited.

  "Don't tell me, let me guess," Aahz whispered, shutting his eyes as if in pain. "Tanda handled your transport on the way in the first time. Right?"

  "That's right," I nodded. "You made me promise to keep the D-Hopper set for Klah, and...."

  "I know, I know," my mentor waved impatiently. "I must say, though, you pick the damnedest times to be obedient. Okay! So the D-Hopper's set for a different drop zone than the one Tanda uses. We'll just have to dig up a native guide to get us oriented."

  "Terrific!" I grimaced. "And where are we supposed to find a native guide?"

  "How about right over there?" Aahz smirked, pointing.

  I followed the line of his extended talon. Sure enough, not a stone's throw away was a small pond huddled in the shade of a medium sized tree. Seated, leaning against the tree, was a young native. The only thing that puzzled me was t
hat he was holding one end of a short stick, and there was a string which ran from the stick's other end to the pond.

  "What's he doing?" I asked suspiciously.

  "From here, I'd say he's fishing," Aahz proclaimed.

  "Fishing? Like that?" I frowned. "Why doesn't he just..."

  "I'll explain later," my mentor interrupted. "Right now we're trying to get directions to Ta-hoe. Remember?"

  "That's right!" I nodded. "Let's go."

  I started forward, only to be stopped short by Aahz's heavy hand on my shoulder.

  "Kid," he sighed, "aren't you forgetting something?"

  "What? "I blinked.

  "Our disguises, dummy," he snarled. "Your lazy old teacher would like to be able to ask our questions without chasing him all around the landscape for the answers."

  "Oh. Right, Aahz."

  Embarrassed by the oversight, I hastily did my disguise bit, and together we approached the dozing native.

  "Excuse me, sir," I began, clearing my throat, "can you tell us the way to Ta-hoe?"

  "What are you doing out here?" the youth demanded, without opening his eyes. "Don't you know the land between Veygus and Ta-hoe is a no-man's-land until the war's over?"

  "What did he say?" Aahz scowled.

  "What was that?" the youth asked, his eyes snapping open.

  For a change, my mind grasped the situation instantly. I was still wearing my translator pendant from my travels with Tananda, but Aahz didn't have one. That meant that while I could understand and be understood by both Aahz and the native, neither of them could decipher what the other was saying. Our disguise was in danger of being discovered by the first native we'd met on our rescue mission. Terrific.

  "Umm. Excuse me a moment, sir," I stammered at the youth.

  Thinking fast, I removed the pendant from around my neck and looped it over my arm. Aahz understood at once, and thrust his hand through the pendant, grasping my forearm with an iron grip. Thus, we were both able to utilize the power of the pendant.

  Unfortunately, the native noticed this by-play. His eyes, which had opened at the sound of Aahz's voice, now widened to the point of popping out as he looked from one of us to the other.

  "Fraternity initiation," Aahz explained conspiratorially, winking at him.

  "A what? "I blinked.

  "Later, kid," my mentor mumbled tensely. "Get the conversation going again."

  "Right. Ummm...what was that you were saying about a war?"

  "I was saying you shouldn't be here," the youth replied, regaining some of his bluster, but still eyeing the pendant suspiciously. "Both sides have declared this area off-limits to civilians until after the war's over."

  "When did this war start?" I asked.

  "Oh, it won't actually start for a week or so," the native shrugged. "We haven't had a war for over five hundred years and everyone's out of practice. It'll take them a while to get ready--but you still shouldn't be here."

  "Well, what are you doing here?" Aahz challenged. "You don't look like a soldier to me."

  "My dad's an officer," the youth yawned. "If a Ta-hoer patrol finds me out here, I'll just tell 'em who my father is and they'll keep their mouths shut."

  "What if a patrol from Veygus finds you?" I asked curiously.

  "The Veygans?" he laughed incredulously. "They're even more unprepared than Ta-hoe is. They haven't even got their uniforms designed yet, much less organized enough to send out patrols."

  "Well, we appreciate the information," Aahz announced. "Now if you'll just point out the way to Ta-hoe, we'll get ourselves off your battlefield."

  "The way to Ta-hoe?" the youth frowned. "You don't know the way to Ta-hoe? That's strange."

  "What's strange?" my mentor challenged. "So we're new around here. So what?"

  The youth eyed him passively.

  "It's strange," he observed calmly, "because that road only runs between Veygus and Ta-hoe. Perhaps you can explain how it is that you're traveling a road without knowing either where you're going or where you're coming from?"

  There was a moment of awkward silence, then I withdrew my arm from the translator pendant.

  "Well, Aahz," I sighed, "how do we talk our way out of this one?"

  "Put your arm back in the pendant," Aahz hissed. "He's getting suspicious."

  "He's already suspicious," I pointed out. "The question is what do we do now?"

  "Nothing to it," my mentor winked. "Just watch how I handle this."

  In spite of my worries, I found myself smiling in eager anticipation. Nobody can spin a lie like Aahz once he gets rolling.

  "The explanation is really quite simple," Aahz smiled, turning to the youth. "You see, we're magicians who just dropped in from another world. Having just arrived here, we are naturally disoriented."

  "My, what a clever alibi," I commented dryly.

  Aahz favored me with a dirty look.

  "As I was saying," he continued, "we have come to offer our services to the glorious city of Ta-hoe for the upcoming war."

  It occurred to me that that last statement was a little suspicious. I mean, we had clearly not known about the war at the beginning of this conversation.

  Fortunately, the youth overlooked this minor detail.

  "Magicians?" he smiled skeptically. "You don't look like magicians to me."

  "Show him, kid," Aahz instructed.

  "Show him? "I blinked.

  "That's right," my mentor nodded. "Drop the disguises, one at a time."

  With a shrug, I slipped my arm back into the translator pendant and let my disguise fall away.

  "I am Skeeve," I announced, "and this"--I dropped Aahz's disguise--"is my friend and fellow magician, Aahz."

  The effect on the youth couldn't have been greater if we had lit a fire under him. Dropping his pole, he sprang to his feet and began backing away until I was afraid he'd topple into the pond. His eyes were wide with fright, and his mouth kept opening and shutting, though no sounds came forth.

  "That's enough, kid," Aahz winked. "He's convinced."

  I hastily reassembled the disguises, but it did little to calm the youth.

  "Not a bad illusion, eh, sport?" my mentor leered at him.

  "I...I..." the youth stammered. Then he paused and set his lips. "Ta-hoe's that way."

  "Thanks," I smiled. "We'll be on our way now."

  "Not so fast, kid," Aahz waved. "What's your name, son?"

  "Griffin...sir," the youth replied uneasily.

  "Well, Griffin," Aahz smiled, "how would you like to show us the way?"

  "Why? "I asked bluntly.

  "Wake up, kid," my mentor scowled. "We can't just leave him here. He knows who and what we are."

  "I know," I commented archly. "You told him."

  "...and besides," he continued as if I hadn't spoken, "he's our passport if we meet any Army patrols."

  "I'd rather not..." Griffin began.

  "Of course," Aahz interrupted. "There is another possibility. We could kill him here and now."

  "I insist you let me escort you!" the youth proclaimed.

  "Welcome, comrade!" I beamed.

  "See, kid?" my mentor smiled, clapping me on the shoulder. "I told you you could settle things without my help."

  "Ummm...there is one thing, though," Griffin commented hesitantly.

  "And that is..." Aahz prompted.

  "I hope you won't hold it against me if your services aren't accepted," the youth frowned.

  "You doubt our powers?" my mentor scowled in his most menacing manner.

  "Oh, it's not that," Griffin explained quickly. "It's just that...you see...well, we already have a magician."

  "Is that all?" Aahz laughed. "Just leave him to us."

  When Aahz says "us" in regard to magik, he means me. However bad things had gone so far, I had an uncomfortable foreboding they were going to get worse.

  Chapter Nine

  "War may be Hell...but it's good for business!"

  -The Association For

&
nbsp; Merchants, Manufacturers, and Morticians

  TA-HOE was a beehive of activity when we arrived. Preparations for the upcoming war were in full swing, and everybody was doing something. Surprisingly enough, most of the preparations were of a non-military nature.

  "What is all this?" I asked our native guide.

  "I told you," he explained. "We're getting ready for a war with Veygus."

  "This is getting ready for a war?" I said, gazing incredulously about.

  "Sure," Griffin nodded. "Souvenirs don't make themselves, you know."

  There wasn't a spear or uniform in sight. Instead, the citizens were busily producing pennants, posters, and lightweight shirts with "Win the War" emblazoned across them.

  "It's the biggest thing to hit Ta-hoe in my lifetime," our guide confided. "I mean. Big Game souvenirs are a stock item. If you design it right, you can even hang on to any overstock and sell it the following year. This war thing caught everybody flatfooted. A lot of people are complaining that they weren't given sufficient warning to cash in on it. There's a resolution before the council right now to postpone hostilities for another month. The folks who deal in knitted hats and stadium blankets are behind it. They claim that declaring war on such short notice will hurt their businesses by giving unfair advantage to the merchants who handle stuff like bumper stickers and posters that can be cranked out in a hurry."

  I couldn't understand most of what he was talking about, but Aahz was enthralled.

  "These folks really know how to run a war!" he declared with undisguised enthusiasm. "Most dimensions make their war profits off munitions and weapons contracts. I'll tell you, kid, if we weren't in such a hurry, I'd take notes."

  It's a rare thing for Aahz to show admiration for anyone, much less a whole dimension, and I'd never before heard him admit there was anything he could learn about making money. I found the phenomenon unnerving.

  "Speaking of being in a hurry," I interjected, "would you mind telling me why we're on our way to talk to Ta-hoe's magician?"

  "That's easy," my mentor smiled. "For the most part, magicians stick together. There's a loyalty to others in the same line of work that transcends any national or dimensional ties. With any luck, we can enlist his aid in springing Tanda loose."