‘Well, best for you, of course!’ Mandy feared for her friend. ‘When you were in hospital, all you could talk about was Joe. Joe this and Joe that, and now that you’re out, you’re still talking about him.’
‘That’s because I love him, Mandy. Even when he went away for all that time, I thought about him a lot, and when he came back to be best man, I knew I’d made a big mistake in promising to marry Frank.’
‘So, why did you go through with it?’
‘I’m not really sure.’ Time and again, while she was recovering in hospital, Alice had asked herself that same question. ‘I suppose it was because I’d already promised myself to Frank.’
‘But…’ Mandy hated herself for asking the question, but she had to ask, ‘…you were with Joe before the wedding, so why didn’t you tell Frank you couldn’t marry him?’
Reliving it all in her mind, Alice took a moment to answer, ‘The truth is, I felt ashamed. I knew what I’d done was wrong. I felt that I’d committed a terrible crime, letting Frank down…and his family and everything. I imagined those fleeting moments with Joe could never be repeated. I was so sure he would go away, and I would never see him again.’
In her mind’s eye she could see herself in Joe’s arms, and it was magic like she had never known before, and would probably never know again.
‘Being with Joe was so beautiful,’ she murmured.
That was her strongest memory of her time with Joe; the sheer beauty of their love, of being together in that way. Then afterwards, when it was over, the fear and the guilt was crippling.
Listening to Alice, and seeing that look in her eyes, Mandy only now realised that Alice truly loved Joe in a way she could never love Frank.
As always, Mandy was straight with her. ‘None of that really matters now,’ she said. ‘You need to remember, Alice, it’s partly Joe’s fault you almost died, and even now, his brother is still out there. Hopefully he’s a million miles away from here, but the fact is, he wanted you dead on account of what Joe did!’
Mandy fell silent for a moment, thinking about how Alice and Joe had each paid a terrible price for what happened that night, and having heard the furtive whispers, she also knew how Joe’s parents feared that Frank might return to finish what he started.
‘Mandy?’
‘Mmm?’
‘If you did know where Joe was you would tell me, wouldn’t you?’
‘D’you want the truth?’ Mandy took a deep breath.
‘You know I do,’ Alice said pleadingly.
‘Then, no. I would never tell you.’
For what seemed an age, the chasm of silence between them deepened, until Alice spoke, her voice quivering, ‘So, you would never tell me where he was, not even if I was desperate to see him?’
‘No!’
‘Not if I had something very special to tell him?’
‘Nothing could be so special that you would risk your life. So, no,’ Mandy was adamant.
‘Not even if you knew that I might be carrying his child?’
Mandy reeled back, as though physically struck.
Abruptly bringing the swing to a halt, she turned about and stared at Alice, her face opening in disbelief. Then she looked away, her voice harsh as she asked Alice, ‘Is that why you want to see Joe so much? So that you can tell him you’re pregnant with his child?’ There was the merest hint of disgust in her voice.
‘No, Mandy. It’s not just that. Don’t look away, Mandy…please?’ Alice fully realised how afraid Mandy was. Afraid for her; and now, afraid for the unborn child. ‘Please, Mandy…look at me.’
When Mandy turned round, it was obvious that she was desperately shocked and concerned at what Alice had told her. ‘You know what this means, Alice?’ she said shakily. ‘What if Frank ever finds out that you’re carrying Joe’s child? It doesn’t bear thinking about!’
Alice knew she had to tell it all, in order for Mandy to understand. ‘The thing is, I don’t really know if Joe is the father.’ She added quietly, ‘Frank might be the father for all I know.’
Mandy was taken aback. ‘I didn’t realise you actually slept with Frank on your wedding night. For some reason, I imagined the trouble started earlier on?’
Alice took her time in replying, because even now she could hardly bring herself to talk about it. ‘No. It didn’t happen like that.’
‘So? Everything was all right, until you told him about Joe. Is that what you’re saying, Alice? You slept with Frank, and then you told him about Joe?
Reluctantly, Alice nodded her answer.
‘But why would you do that? Why tell him? Was it because you had a guilty conscience?’
‘No.’
Alice recalled everything. ‘Frank was in a drunken stupor and I was glad, because I thought he wouldn’t bother me. I though I’d have time to think about what to do.’
It all came back, like a moving picture in her mind. ‘I couldn’t bear the thought of him touching me. I knew I had made a terrible mistake in marrying him, but it was too late.’
Her voice fell to a whisper as she relived that night. ‘He woke up. He just…took me. It wasn’t love. It was nothing like love?’
‘How do you mean?’ Mandy could see the torment in her eyes. ‘He forced himself on you, is that what you’re saying, Alice?’
Alice hesitated. ‘Frank was like a crazy man. I couldn’t stop him. He was like a wild animal. He was rough, and hurtful. He tore at my clothes and when I wanted him to stop, he got angry. Afterwards, he seemed to know somehow…about me, that I’d been with another man. He started asking questions…demanding to know who I’d been with. He forced me to tell him, about me and Joe. He was out of his mind, and oh, he hurt me so bad. He cut my hair, tied me up. He kept saying all these terrible things, about what he would do. He wouldn’t stop hurting me. I thought it would never end.’
When the memory began to swamp her, she paused, her two hands clasped to her face.
Mandy pulled Alice towards her. ‘It’s all right,’ she whispered. ‘I understand. And it was wrong of me to question you like that.’
Realisation dawned on her. ‘So either of the brothers could be the father?’
Alice broke away. ‘How can I know?’ she asked. ‘I was a virgin before Joe. How can I ever be sure who the father is?’
Mandy understood. ‘So what will you, do, Alice? Will you have this baby? Did the doctor advise you at all?’
‘He told me I had to make up my mind quickly. I’ve already got my next appointment, and because of everything that’s happened, I’m to see a hospital counsellor at the same time.’
‘Good!’ Mandy approved. ‘I can understand that,’ she told Alice. ‘It’s a difficult situation…and you will have to make a difficult decision.’ A thought occurred to her. ‘When is your appointment?’
‘Friday.’
‘That’s tomorrow!’
‘I’m to be there at 12:30 p.m.’
‘Do you want me to come with you?’
Alice shook her head. ‘Thank you, Mandy, I appreciate that, but Grandma said she wanted to take me.’
Mandy was pleased. ‘Your Grandmother is a kind and wise person…she’ll help you decide.’
‘Mandy?’
‘What?’
‘The doctor told me something else, and Grandma doesn’t know yet.’
‘It’s nothing bad I hope…I mean, you are on the road to a full recovery, aren’t you?’
‘So they tell me.’
‘So, what else did the doctor say then?’
‘The thing is, I’m carrying twins.’
For the second time in the space of minutes, Mandy was visibly shocked. ‘You’re…what!’
Scrambling off the swing, she began pacing the ground. ‘Look, Alice, nothing has changed, not really. You still have to think carefully, about the consequences. Not just for their sakes, but for yours too. Bloody hell, Alice! You were lucky to get away with your life, never mind all of this on top! If it was me, I wouldn’
t think twice! I would know what to do.’
‘Would you?’ Alice already suspected what Mandy was thinking.
Mandy stopped pacing and came to sit on the swing again. Looking Alice in the eyes, she told her quietly, ‘I would end it.’
‘Why?’
‘Well, because!’
Mandy knew how difficult it would be for a girl like Alice, to do, what in Mandy’s opinion, was a necessary evil.
So, she drew her thoughts together, and tried to present her many reasons in a valid way. ‘It’s the only thing to do, Alice.’
Though she partly understood Mandy’s thinking, Alice needed cast-iron reasons. ‘In what way?’
‘Well, firstly, unless you can somehow find out who the real father is, you’ll be denying the children their right to know the truth. I mean…what will you do when they get old enough to ask questions? What will you tell them…that you’re not sure who their father is; that you slept with both brothers in the space of a few days, and that one of the brothers is their father, and the other is their uncle?
‘Think about it, Alice!’ she urged. ‘You have to let them go, or it could mean a lifetime of unhappiness, hard questions with no answers, and a good deal of misery for all three of you. Besides, if you had the babies, it would mean you would never be free of Frank.’
Alice had thought of all that, over and over, until she could think no more. ‘There might be a way of knowing who the father is,’ she said now. ‘There must be some test they can do that will confirm whether Joe or Frank is their rightful father.’
‘No, Alice, it still won’t do! Think about it. Say they could do a test. Say they discovered that Frank was the father, how do you think the children would feel, once they knew what he did to you and Joe, not to mention his own father? Oh, and don’t delude yourself that they will never know the truth, because they will find out, you can count on it!’
In her desperation to convince Alice, Mandy believed she might have to be cruel to be kind, so she left no stone unturned as she went on, ‘If you decide to tell them everything, it could backfire. They could turn on you.’
‘Maybe they would, but then it would only be what I deserve.’
‘There are other things to consider as well, Alice.’
Mandy pushed her argument. ‘What if it was proven somehow that Joe was the father? What makes you think they would accept him, any more than they would accept Frank? Once they knew the whole truth, how do you think they might cope; two innocents, brought into a world of lies and deception.’
She went on relentlessly, hoping that Alice might realise the danger of going ahead with the pregnancy.
With everything Mandy said, Alice felt her heart and her hopes sink. ‘You’re painting the worst possible picture,’ she said. ‘We can’t know what they might think, or how they would feel.’
‘Maybe. But once they’re in possession of the true facts, they would have no peace of mind. They would be forced to live with the knowledge of what happened, and who would they turn to? Think of it, Alice! You must know it would be cruel to put them in that situation.’
Alice was distraught. ‘But, I would always be there for them. I would never let anyone hurt them. Never!’
‘You would not be able to control it, Alice. People can be malicious, and children more than most.’
Alice tried to explain. ‘The thing is, I can’t seem to think straight. I’m not sure what’s right or wrong any more.’
It was as though she was in the middle of a nightmare, and she couldn’t wake from it. ‘I want to do what’s best for them, but I’m not God! I don’t know what the answer is!’
She went on, ‘I had thought that maybe we could move away…take on a new life, new names, all of that. It’s possible…isn’t it?’
‘Oh Alice, listen to you!’ Mandy said wearily.
‘What do you mean?’
‘I mean…your babies are not even born yet, and already you’re planning an escape route.’
For the sake of Alice and her babies, Mandy remained resolute. ‘All I want is for you to realise the enormity of what you’re doing,’ she pleaded. ‘I don’t want to see you hurt anymore, but if you go ahead and have the children, you must realise how hard your life will be.’
Mandy’s voice softened. ‘I know I shouldn’t force my own views on you like this. You’re my best friend, Alice, and I love you dearly. You asked me what I would do, and I’ve told you. If I’ve hurt you with my answer, I’m truly sorry.’
Alice was deeply shaken, but she appreciated Mandy’s honesty. Alice knew she had her and her unborn babies’ best interests at heart.
‘I think I always knew what you would say,’ she told Mandy now. ‘In truth, I thought the very same, but I keep coming round to the idea that everything might work out all right, and that it isn’t my place to end two innocent lives.’
Mandy understood her quandary. ‘All right, I agree that it will be the hardest thing you may ever have to do in the whole of your life. All I’m saying is, don’t think of what’s happening right now. Think of the future. Think of the repercussions on everyone; especially the children. But, when all is said and done, Alice, whatever anyone says, you are the only one who can decide.’
‘I know,’ Alice replied. ‘Tomorrow, I’ll make my decision, and that will be an end to it.’
For a long time they sat on the swing, gently swinging back and forth, each in deep thought; each of them afraid of what tomorrow might bring.
It was early afternoon when Tricia drove up in her black Ford car. She parked it outside the front door as always, then she collected her shopping bags and carried them into the house. ‘Alice!’ she called out as she went straight through to the kitchen, where she dropped the bags on the chair.
‘Alice, I’m home!’ Crossing to the sink, she quickly filled the kettle with cold water from the tap, and switched it on to boil. ‘Wherever is she?’ She looked out the window and across the garden to the swing, and still there was no sign of Alice.
While the kettle came to the boil, she wandered back down the hallway, pausing only to pat her hair in the mirror as she went.
She peeped into the sitting room, and checked the sun house. When there was still no sign of Alice, she went upstairs and frantically searched every room, and now she was hurrying back down in a state of panic. ‘Alice? Alice, where are you, dear!’
Flinging open the library door, she gave a sigh of relief, on seeing Alice curled up in the window seat, fast asleep.
Treading quietly across the carpet so as not to wake her, she stood a moment, to regard Alice, so small and vulnerable, with the harrowing experience of late etched on her pretty young features. ‘Oh, child…what’s going to become of you eh? But I’m so glad you trusted me with the truth, about the babies.’
‘I’ll leave you to sleep, child.’ Tricia whispered. ‘It’s what you need.’ She was concerned to see how pale Alice was. ‘You must stop fretting, sweetheart,’ she continued, moving a stray lock of hair from Alice’s temple, ‘You need to concentrate on getting stronger.’
Taking off her coat, she slid it gently over Alice. ‘I’ll call you when tea’s ready.’ She then kissed her softly on the forehead, and quietly tiptoed away.
A short time later the two of them were seated at the kitchen table, enjoying a pot of tea, with fresh scones bought by Tricia that morning. ‘I don’t want you worrying about tomorrow, Alice,’ her grandmother urged. ‘Once the decision is made, you can then concentrate on looking to plan your future…’ she chose her words carefully, ‘…one way or the other.’
They talked fleetingly of Alice’s dilemma. ‘You will always have a home here with me and your grandfather, if that’s what you want.’ But Alice was already forming a plan in her mind.
When her grandmother got up to clear the table, Alice helped, while Tricia chatted on. ‘Your grandfather said I was wrong not to take on another housekeeper when Martha retired, but I’m really enjoying myself taking care of the home
and everything. I admit I do have a woman in to do the ironing and hoover under the beds, because my back won’t allow me to do that.’
She gave a resigned smile. ‘Mind you, dear, it’s not beyond the realms of possibility, that in the future I might be forced to take on another Martha. Like your grandfather insists on reminding me…I’m not getting any younger.’
While she chatted, Alice grew more determined.
She could not get Joe out of her mind. Somehow, she had to see him, to speak with him. She needed to know that he was truly on the road to recovery.
The only thing she knew was that Frank had injured Joe so badly it was touch and go whether he would survive, and even if he survived, the early diagnosis was that he may suffer a degree of permanent damage.
But he was alive! She knew that much, and in knowing it, her yearning to see him grew stronger with every new day.
‘Alice! Are you all right?’ Tricia was concerned.
‘Yes, Grandma, I was just thinking, that’s all.’
‘Oh, I’m sorry, child. Here I am, wittering on like a silly old woman, while you have such a weight on your mind.’ Tricia repeated her support. ‘We’ll see it through together, eh? You won’t be on your own. I’ll be there with you tomorrow.’
‘Whether you agree with my decision or not?’
‘I meant what I said before, child. No one is judging you. You’re facing a very difficult time, and you can rest assured that your grandfather and I will support you; as will your father.’
Sliding an arm about Alice’s shoulders, she told her, ‘There are people who love you dearly. You must never forget that.’
It was late afternoon when Alice decided she could put it off no longer.
While her grandmother snoozed in the sitting room, she went up to her room and refreshed herself with a wash and change of clothes; choosing a pretty grey dress with the white trimming at the hem and neck. She had been grateful that her father collected her things from the cottage, because she never wanted to go there again.
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