by Jilly Cooper
At an emergency board meeting, Peggy Parker said she might bankroll the Requiem, but only if Sonny’s just completed Interruption Serenade could be used as a filler on the CD with a little picture of balding parrot-faced Sonny beside shaggy Boris on the sleeve. The plan was that the Requiem would be recorded in a studio, but the Interruption Serenade would be recorded live at its première just before Christmas, then Sonny could include as many interruptions as possible. Peggy Parker was not at all happy about Abby conducting either work, and after a few telephone calls to Serena Westwood at Megagram, who would still be marketing and distributing the record, felt she had discovered an ally and was biding her time.
Abby felt her authority ebbing away. Worse was to come. The RSO were due to play Messiah at the Cotchester Festival in December. At the last moment, Jason, the rackety owner of Macho Motors, ratted on his agreement to sponsor the performance. This was because he’d failed to get Abby into bed, and because the BBC wouldn’t allow one of his flash cars to be parked in the nave during the concert.
‘I can’t see why not,’ grumbled Flora. ‘Triumphal cars are always turning up in Milton’s religious poems.’
‘It’s a Ferrari, not a Triumph,’ said Marcus.
Abby was in no mood for jokes. As the concert was to be transmitted on Christmas Eve, it would be a ghastly humiliation if the RSO had to pull out through lack of funding.
They had only been invited to take part in the festival because Dame Edith, impressed by Abby’s début concert, had nagged the organizers. If they weren’t careful, their bitter rivals, the CCO, locked in mortal combat with the RSO for the same audiences, sponsors and subsidies from the Arts Council, would step into the breach.
As a final straw, that even more famous Dame, Hermione Harefield, whose single of ‘I Know that my Redeemer Liveth’ had sold over a million copies, had been booked as one of the soloists and would ‘Rejoice Greatly’ (which was on the flip side of the single) to see Abby so discomfited.
Abby was determined not to be beaten. As she had just received a large royalty cheque from the reissue of her early records, she blew the lot on a hefty insurance policy with Honesty Insurance in Rutminster High Street on condition that they sponsored Messiah.
Honesty Insurance drove a hard bargain. They wanted their slogan, ‘Honesty is the Best Policy’ on posters all over the cathedral as well as their name on the credits. The BBC refused. The deadlock was only broken when the Bishop of Cotchester, a pompous old fossil on the Venturer Board, agreed to mention the company and the slogan in his interval address.
Abby was livid George wasn’t more impressed by her White Knight gesture when she barged into his office to tell him the good news.
‘Honesty Insurance are a bunch of crooks,’ he said, only giving her half his attention because he was trying to sign his letters around a weaving, purring John Drummond.
‘They’ve given me this,’ Abby waved a cheque under George’s nose.
‘We better bank it at once. Jack Rodway says they’re about to go belly-oop. I hope you don’t lose out on that policy. You’d have done better to sponsor the concert yourself.’
Like most successful property developers, George believed only in using other people’s money. When he took over the RSO he had vowed never to give them a penny. He did, however, have a long-term crush on Dame Hermione. She was thirty-nine like him. He and Ruth, also an avid fan, had enjoyed many of her concerts, and worn out her famous LP of the Verdi Requiem. Hermione, like Ruth, was someone George thought of as a ‘real lady’. He would therefore have been prepared to bankroll Messiah and pay Hermione her vast fee, her first-class air fare and her bill at the Cotchester Hilton. Now, thank God, Abby had saved him the trouble.
To avoid her nagging him about rain pouring through the hall roof, he had swarmed off for a lunch-time meeting with Rutminster District Council.
‘Perhaps one of Mr Hungerford’s builders could put in a cheap tender,’ suggested Miss Priddock.
Abby laughed without humour: ‘There is nothing cheap nor tender about Mr Hungerford.’
After a long and obviously successful lunch, George was back wafting brandy fumes, chewing on a huge cigar, and making a nuisance of himself at the afternoon’s rehearsal.
‘You’ve got to keep Messiah moving,’ he told the orchestra. ‘Particularly in part two when there aren’t many good tunes, before the “Hallelujah Chorus” wakes the audience up, and you’ve got to really belt it out to be heard in a big cathedral.’
Abby lost her temper. ‘Just because you come from Huddersfield, it doesn’t mean you own the work.’
‘Nor do you,’ shouted Carmine, who was anxious to put Abby down and to ingratiate himself with George. ‘I don’t know what you’re doing conducting Messiah when it was your lot who crucified the poor sod in the first place.’
‘That’s out of order, Carmine,’ snapped Julian.
‘It was Handel’s descendants,’ yelled back Abby, ‘who sent six million of our lot to the gas chambers.’
‘Please, everyone,’ Julian broke the horrified silence. ‘George is right — Abby, Luisa and I visited the cathedral last week, it’s huge. I know you all know Messiah backwards, but the audience knows it backwards too, so we can’t afford to make mistakes.’
‘Aint it rarver like takin’ coals to Newcastle,’ said Barry, who was hugging his double bass to keep warm. ‘I fort it was the CCO who’d cornered the baroque market. They’re the ones always winnin’ prizes.’
‘That’s why our reputation’s on the line,’ said George.
Messiah requires a very small orchestra, just strings, bassoons, oboes, two trumpets, timps and a harpsichord. So it was a depleted and resentful bunch who boarded the coach in the bitter cold under a lowering mustard-yellow sky the following afternoon. They had all been refused rises and resented having to trail over to Cotchester for no extra money.
With no Eldred and Peter Plumpton, the bridge four was incomplete. With no Hilary and Lionel gone, Ninion and Militant Moll couldn’t sing madrigals on their own. Without Miss Parrott, Dimitri gloomily shared a back seat with his cello.
All the pretty girls, nervous of appearing on television, drooped because there was no Celtic Mafia, except Randy, who was now an item with Candy, to jolly things along. The only cheerful note was Flora running on at the last moment, clean hair flopping, handing out tabloids like an air hostess. All the orchestra, except Hilary, who pretended to despise gossip, were obsessed with the collapse of the Prince of Wales’s marriage and had divided themselves into pro-Charles and pro-Diana factions.
Now they fell on the latest update in ecstasy.
‘I fancy the Brigadier, such piercing blue eyes,’ sighed Nellie. ‘And that’s a lovely new hold-all, Flora,’ she added, glancing up from the Daily Express for a second, ‘Louis Vuitton, isn’t it?’
‘Clever you,’ Flora stroked the dark green leather proudly. ‘Abby was so ashamed of me turning up at gigs weighed down by carrier bags of knickers that she gave it me as an early Christmas present. I can hang my black dresses up in it, and there’s room for Foxie, sponge bags, books and things.’
‘Here, let me.’ To everyone’s amazement, Carmine leapt to his feet and put the hold-all and Flora’s viola case up on the rack.
‘Come and sit here,’ he ushered her into the window-seat beside him.
‘Gosh thanks,’ stammered Flora. ‘Have a Kit-Kat.’ Then because Carmine had to play ‘The Trumpet Shall Sound’ towards the end of the evening, asked ‘Aren’t you terrified about your solo?’
Carmine shrugged.
‘Just because it’s TV I’m bound to crack a note in an embarrassing close-up, but this is a doddle compared with the solo in the B minor Mass. At the end of that, you really see stars.’ And he went on to be fascinating about trumpet music.
Carmine, in fact, was not in a good mood. He had given Cathie hell, because he actually was nervous about the solo, and because Alan Cardew, the planning officer, suddenly appeared to h
ave won the pools, and had just whipped his wife Lindy off to the Seychelles for three weeks; then they were off again, skiing over Christmas.
Denied his mistress and uninhibited today by the endless mockery of the Celtic Mafia, Carmine decided to have a crack at Flora. He’d always fancied the snooty, upmarket little bitch.
Once the tabloids were exhausted, everyone started grumbling about foul letters from their bank manager. Barry the Bass had had to pawn his rings and medallions to get his telephone reconnected. Mary, darning socks, was fretting about paying for Christmas presents. Noriko had sold her little car and nearly died of cold walking to the coach. Old Henry couldn’t afford to get his stereo mended — life without music in a tiny bedsit was very bleak.
‘After the première of Messiah, Handel gave all the profits to the poor, which meant one hundred and fortytwo people were released from the debtors prison,’ announced Simon Painshaw.
‘Can’t see Sonny Parker doing that for us,’ sighed Candy.
‘And the hall was so packed,’ went on Simon, ‘that men were asked to leave off their swords and the ladies their hoops.’
‘Oh look,’ said Flora, ‘it’s started to snow.’
At first it didn’t settle on the roads, only laying clean sheets over the fields and crawling like a white leopard along the branches of the trees. But gradually, as the light faded, sky and snow merged, becoming the same stinging sapphire, only divided by evergreens, black trunks, branches and hedgerows that became walls as they crossed over into Gloucestershire. The coach started crackling over frozen puddles and sliding all over the place in the steep narrow lanes.
Flora wished Viking were on the coach. She’d been so upset by Rannaldini’s poaching of the RSO repertoire. Then she’d read the inscription on Viking’s cardboard tombstone. Not able to bear being hurt again, she had refused all Viking’s invitations but she still caught him smiling at her appraisingly, which always made her heart beat faster.
The snow was blanking out signposts and roadsigns. The coach drivers were all for turning back; Knickers, in a serious twist, was more terrified of George’s wrath if they didn’t arrive, and urged them on. Twenty miles from Cotchester, the snow started drifting, and they ran into blizzards. Trees reared up out of the diminishing visibility like ghosts. Climbing to the top of a hill the coach skidded into the verge and ground to a halt. Wheels whirred impotently, raising fountains of snow.
‘What do we do now?’ asked Knickers. As he put his long nose outside, his spectacles filled up with white flakes. The wind was blowing straight from Siberia.
‘You all get out and push,’ said Abby, who’d been in a car just behind them. ‘I’m not going to be beaten by that bastard Hugo.’
‘How beautiful are the feet with chilblains,’ sang Flora, wincing as she landed on iron runnels of frozen mud. As she righted herself, she was amazed to feel a coat round her shoulders, and even grateful to be offered a pair of awful driving gloves.
‘Can’t have you catching cold,’ said Carmine and, as swearing and panting they all pushed the coach, she felt his hand over hers.
‘I may be gone some time,’ said Randy, sliding off to have a pee.
Two hours and eight miles later, the coach descended into Cotchester to find completely clear roads, starry skies, and the great cathedral floodlit.
‘They’d never have believed us if we hadn’t got through,’ said Abby who’d abandoned her car.
Her orchestra, in various states of hypothermia and mutiny, gazed at her stonily. They hadn’t even the heart to boo as they passed a window in the High Street, entirely devoted to Dame Edith and the CCO’s latest recording of the Christmas Oratorio, or at huge posters everywhere advertising ‘Dame Hermione Sings Messiah’, in huge letters, with the other soloists and the RSO in tiny print underneath. Inside the packed cathedral, lit by hundreds of candles, a huge Christmas tree and television lights, the four soloists, choir, crews and audience were raring to go.
There was no time for a rehearsal. Abby went straight up onto the rostrum to explain what had happened.
‘We came through a white hell, OK? The orchestra are frozen. They’re just having something hot to eat, I hope you’ll bear with us.’
The audience were more than happy to do so, but not Dame Hermione. She was the one who kept people waiting. As the harpsichordist had already arrived from London, Hermione had been about to offer the audience an impromptu concert of her latest album, Soothe the Sad Heart, which with the television coverage would have sold an extra fifty thousand copies over Christmas.
She had upset the other three soloists by her histrionics about catching cold and her demands. Poor Alphonso, the twenty-five-stone Italian tenor, was forced to have blue drops put in his eyes, and his bald patch blacked out by the make-up girls in a howling draught because Dame Hermione had commandeered the entire vestry as a dressing-room.
Fortunately George Hungerford had missed all these hysterics because he had arrived only five minutes before the orchestra, so the first thing he heard was Dame Hermione’s deep voice saying. ‘Take me to the fans.’
The first thing Dame Hermione heard was George telling Miles that he’d have his ‘goots for garters’ if the orchestra didn’t turn up.
Surrounded by twenty blow heaters, Dame Hermione shivered from excitement rather than cold. She adored masterful men.
Meanwhile Steve Smithson charged around with his thermometer, complaining the cathedral was too cold, and that there was no proper band room, since Dame Hermione had hogged all the space.
Fortified by a glass of red wine each, paid for by Abby, and pizzas in the Bar Sinister opposite, the orchestra had perked up enough to engage in the usual argy-bargy with the television crews. There was simply not enough room on the stage to accommodate Fat Isobel and Fat Alphonso and the harpsichord, let alone having cables to trip over, mikes up your nose, lights shining in your eyes, and cameramen bossily shoving chairs and music-stands aside to give them a clear camera angle on Dame Hermione.
A BBC minion, in a fake fur coat and strawberry-pink trousers, who looked as though he ate choirboys for breakfast, sidled up to handsome Randy as he blew a few testing blasts on his trumpet.
‘Hi, Clark Gable, you playing the big solo?’
‘No, him,’ Randy jerked his sleek sandy head in Carmine’s direction.
‘Shame, you’re so much more — ‘the BBC minion ran his eyes over Randy’s body — ‘photogenic, particularly when you smile.’
‘Carmine wouldn’t like it very much.’
‘We’ll have to use green face powder to take his colour down. What are you doing after the show?’
‘Your admirer’s got an admirer,’ giggled Clare.
‘Yes, I’ve lucked out there,’ sighed Candy, tightening her G-string.
‘There’s absolutely no way I’m swapping seats with Moll — ‘Flora was now telling the BBC minion — ‘even to appear on television. Moll would kill me.’
On cue, Moll rushed up in a state of chunter.
‘There are no ladies’ toilets, so I had to squat in the gents, and someone’s written: “RSO stands for Really Shitty Orchestra” on the wall. It’s not funny, Flora. You’re to cross it out in the interval,’ she shouted to a cringing Ninion.
On came Julian, smiling broadly, fiddle aloft to relieved applause, and some barracking from the gallery.
‘Take off those dark glasses, deary,’ urged the BBC minion. ‘Looks a bit camp.’ Then, as Julian lowered them a fraction showing his red-albino eyes, said, ‘well, perhaps not.’
‘Jesus, it’s cold,’ said Bill Thackery looking at the hundreds of candles flickering in the draught.
A rustle of excitement and some cheering greeted Abby and the soloists. Dame Hermione, diamonds sparkling in the camera lights, was clad from top to toe in Rannaldini’s sleek, dark Christmas mink.
‘Ring up Animal Rights at once,’ snarled Flora.
Hermione had no competition from the contralto who looked and sang like a
sheep and was eight months’ pregnant.
Having bowed to the audience, Abby thanked them once more for being so patient.
‘And I just wanna tell you guys,’ she hissed at the orchestra, ‘that the entire CCO including Hugo, are up in the gallery, waiting to boo, so flaming well play out of your boots, and don’t let the soloists drag.’
This had the desired effect. The RSO played with that brilliance and attack often engendered by rage and irritation, and, even without a rehearsal, the Cotchester Choir were infinitely superior to Peggy Parker’s screeching seagulls. Despite the icy cold of the cathedral, the sopranos led by Dame Edith’s helpmate, Monica Baddingham, had absolutely no difficulty in hitting Top A as they romped through the ‘Glory of the Lord’.
Not wanting to bump into any of his father’s friends, Marcus crept into the concert after the overture. Returning to Cotchester, which was only a few miles from his home in Penscombe, made him feel desperately homesick.
The great cathedral was as filled with memories as shadows. His father had always read the lesson at Midnight Mass, and despite being divorced had managed to have his second marriage to Taggie there, much to the rage of the bishop. It had snowed that day too, and Marcus remembered his desolation as a young boy as his father and his ravishing new stepmother took off by helicopter into the blizzard.
Alphonso, the hugely fat tenor, seemed to be singing. ‘Comfort ye, comfort ye,’ directly to him.
Marcus also noticed, because of a shortage of basses, George Hungerford had joined the choir and could be heard belting out, ‘Oonto Oos a Boy is Born’ in true Hoodersfield fashion. Marcus thought how attractive George was, so aggressively macho, compared to the bobbing Adam’s apples and waggling beards around him.
George, in fact, was very happy. That very afternoon the Ministry of the Environment had overturned Rutminster District Council’s decision and given him planning permission to cover Cowslip Hill with houses. Now he wouldn’t have to revert to his contingency plan of letting New Age Travellers onto the site at the dead of night, which normally melted any opposition.