by Jilly Cooper
‘Well, what’s all this about? I haven’t got much time.’
‘You better make it,’ snapped Flora.
Except for her red nose, her face was whiter than the marble fireplace. With the collar of her long black overcoat turned up, she looked like a Victorian waif in the last stages of consumption. George was about to offer her a drink when she said: ‘I know exactly what you’re up to, you bastard. I was busking outside the Archduke in Concert Hall Approach two weeks ago. I saw you and Rannaldini going in and coming out. You must both have needed really long spoons to sup with one another.’
George took a slug of brandy.
‘I was in London for a meeting of the Association of British Orchestras,’ he said flatly. ‘Rannaldini and I were discoosing him guest conducting the orchestra on the occasional date. He does happen to live in the area.’
‘Bollocks,’ shouted Flora, ‘you were discussing his taking over the RSO and firing 90 per cent of the orchestra.’
Then, at George’s look of amused incredulity, she added, ‘And if you don’t renew Abby’s contract for starters, I’m going straight to the Press. My mother has contacts with every newspaper editor in Fleet Street and New York.’
‘This is blackmail,’ said George bleakly and reached for the telephone.
‘The blackest possible,’ said Flora. ‘It’s the only way to cope with shits like you. Buying the hall cheaply in a white-knight gesture, then building supermarkets on the site the moment the orchestra folds. You bloody Waitrosencavalier!’
Jolted at last George dropped the telephone back on the hook: ‘How d’you know about that?’
‘You shouldn’t give your stupid secretary, who gets paid twice as much as a rank-and-file viola player, such long-lunch hours. I raided your computer today and printed out the entire “Orchestra South” file.’
George gave a long sigh. ‘It’s the only way to save the orchestra — at least the good people get to keep their jobs.’
‘Abby doesn’t and she flaming well deserves to. Have you any idea how hard she works, poring over the wretched scores day in day out, till two or three in the morning.’
‘She’s an hysteric.’
‘So — she’s an artist. The orchestra’s getting better and better.’
‘I wish the houses were. We’re haemorrhaging to death, can’t you understand that?’
‘Give her time, look how long it took Simon Rattle to turn the CBSO around.’
‘And now they’ve got a bluddy great deficit,’ said George brutally.
‘Anyway,’ Flora briskly disregarded a point against herself, ‘the RSO doesn’t want to live in Cotchester and play in some horrible opera pit under a little Hitler. It’s like sending ponies down the mine.’
‘You overdramatize everything. They’d be well paid and they’d make great music.’
‘No, they wouldn’t, super orchestras don’t work. There are too many chiefs and not enough Indians for them to boss around. The mix is too rich. Anyway, they’d get sacked if they split a note.
‘Rannaldini’s evil,’ Flora’s voice was rising, ‘He lives near my parents and poisons the air like pesticide and I bet you told him we were about to record Winifred Trapp and Fanny Mendelssohn.’
‘Don’t be fatuous,’ roared George, losing his temper. ‘If you think I want to be landed with the bills for soloists you must be joking.’
Somehow he managed to control himself and sitting down at his desk, got out a cheque book.
‘OK, how much will it take?’
‘I don’t want money,’ said Flora in outrage. ‘I want everyone’s contracts renewed — except Hilary’s, Carmine and the Steel Elf,’ she added as an afterthought.
‘Who?’
‘Juno Meadows. I saw her poncing out of here with her Gstaad tan. How you have the gall to tell Abby she’s losing caste living with me — yes, you did — when you’ve been guzzling glühwein off piste with Juno.’
‘Don’t by bluddy childish, Juno was making oop the noombers.’
‘And doing a number of you, soixante-neuf, I suppose, although she’d be a bit refined for that. I’m surprised you haven’t built a horrid little chalet on her.’
Flora was beginning to feel faint; somehow she reached the door, half-expecting to slip on those autumn leaves. She must keep talking to shut him up: ‘I’ll only tear up that print-out when I’ve got proof everyone’s contracts have been renewed. Rannaldini’s a fiend, remember, he’ll double-cross you the moment he gets the chance.’ And she was out of the door running towards her car.
Fortunately the roads were empty. She felt so lonely she longed to drop off at The Bordello, curl up in Viking’s bed with Nugent and wait for him to come home. Since they split up, however, the rest of the Celtic Mafia, not knowing the reason and sensing Viking’s unhappiness, had become wildly antagonistic.
After a sleepless night and a long unrewarding day of rehearsal with a stupid guest conductor whose beat was impossible to follow, Flora returned to Woodbine Cottage and an equally shattered Marcus. She had refrained from telling him about George’s and Rannaldini’s skulduggery. He didn’t need upsetting. Tomorrow evening he was playing the Rachmaninov. Flora was terrified he’d peaked. He had practically worn out the keys of the Steinway. He had lived the piece, crawled inside it, knew every note, not only his own part, but also the orchestra’s by heart. But would he have enough heart to do it justice?
He and Flora were just commiserating over a cup of tea and slices of cherry cake when Abby floated in brandishing a magnum of champagne.
‘We have got to celebrate, right? George has just summoned me and said the board are going to renew my contract for another year. I’m not sure how pleased Howie will be — he figures I oughta move on, but I expect George will be able to persuade him.
‘And I’ve persuaded George not to cut salaries at the moment to zap all those rumours about a merger between us and the CCO. He and I are going to assess the merits of everyone in the orchestra over the next few weeks and renew as many contracts as possible.’
And George thinks that’ll keep me quiet, fumed Flora.
Abby looked wonderful, the cold weather always whipped up colour in her sallow cheeks.
‘And,’ she went on scrabbling at the gold paper round the top of the bottle, ‘at last I can get rid of El Squeeko and Cyril.’
‘You can’t,’ said Flora appalled. ‘Viking’ll never let you.’
‘And Juno.’
‘You may have lucked out there.’
But Abby was on a roll; she had totally misjudged George.
‘He’s not the philistine I figured he was. It’s kinda gratifying when all one’s hard grind pays off. Now we can build the orchestra together. I guess he is attracted to me,’ she announced happily.
Flora was upset to see the hurt in Marcus’s eyes; she herself was enraged — after all she’d done to save Abby, particularly when Abby smugly announced that Flora’s was one of the contracts George was iffy about renewing.
‘He didn’t know you were only on six months’ trial. He figures you’re not pulling your weight. Says you’ve got an attitude problem.’
‘And he’s got a platitude problem,’ snarled Flora.
‘That is monstrously unfair,’ protested Marcus.
‘Tell him to go and jump in the cement mixer.’
‘I’m just reporting what he said.’ The flying champagne cork sent the cats racing from the kitchen. ‘But I figure I’ve managed to persuade him you’re a worthwhile member of the orchestra.’
Flora suddenly realized she’d eaten the rest of the cherry cake and had to undo her jeans.
Bloody Abby, if only she knew. Flora was tempted to tell her the truth but again didn’t want a scene before Marcus’s concert.
Abby should have spent the evening studying the Rachmaninov but, convinced she knew it, because she’d heard Marcus playing it so often, she got tight instead.
FORTY-SIX
On the wall of Marcus’s dr
essing-room was a photograph of Clifton Suspension Bridge. He wished he could jump off it. How could he possibly play the most difficult piano concerto ever written when his violently trembling hands wouldn’t tie his white tie or slot in the gold cuff-links bearing the Campbell-Black crest. The rehearsal had been disastrous. Abby had faffed around telling the orchestra Rachmaninov was born on April Fool’s Day, and had lived on Lake Lucerne like Rodney, and that Mahler had conducted the second performance of the concerto in the States, until Dixie had yelled, ‘Come back, Gustav, all is forgiven.’
Marcus had never dreamt the orchestral sound would be so dense, loud and so distracting or that desperately trying to keep up with Abby’s beat he would play so many wrong notes and at one point stop altogether.
The orchestra, totally indifferent to such calamities, only raised the odd eyebrow and carried on reading their newspapers, filling in tax forms and applying for other jobs.
Abby wouldn’t even give him time to rehearse the cadenza.
‘That’s your baby, you know it backwards.’
And instead of going back over the places where he’d screwed up so he could correct his mistakes she then moved on to Hilary’s and Simon’s solos, and one or two of the more complicated tuttis. She then spent the rest of the rehearsal perfecting the timing of Carmine Jones’s off-stage trumpet solo in the Third Leonora overture.
‘It’s exactly eight minutes before you come in, Carmine, so don’t fall asleep.’
‘Not bloody likely.’
Carmine, in a new butch lumberjack shirt, winked at Lindy Cardew, who, in a tight shocking-pink sweater, was jabbing huge scented pink lilies, no doubt paid for by her husband’s massive backhanders from George, into vases along the front of the stage.
Any flowers or blossom played havoc with Marcus’s asthma. Flora, in a rare act of domesticity, had brushed and washed down his tails to save fumes from dry cleaning. But even worse chemicals were now wafting from the walls of his dressing-room, newly painted a restful green gloss to calm soloists.
Glancing in the mirror, he noticed his face had a sinister blue tinge. In case of any emergency attack he had brought a pre-loaded syringe but he was terrified of letting down Abby, the orchestra and George, who’d engaged him and been so particularly kind. Worried that Marcus was too thin and probably hadn’t eaten all day, George had arranged for lentil soup, grilled plaice and fruit salad to be sent in from the Old Bell, and Marcus had just thrown up the lot, panicking all the while that he might choke. The more he fretted the harder it was to breathe. It was as though someone had held a pillow to his face.
But the greatest terror was the Rachmaninov lurking ahead: dark, fierce, explosive, mysterious as the Russian continent, a huge monster waiting to be captured and tamed by his bare hands.
Passionate relief battled with bitter disappointment that neither Rupert nor Taggie had bothered to come or even send him a good-luck card. Helen, on the other hand, had rolled up an hour before the off and hung around reading his cards and moaning about Rannaldini who was taking a masterclass in Rome, until George barged in and bluntly told her to pack it in, because ‘the lad needs to distance himself.
George then whisked Helen off to wow the sponsors in the VIP lounge. Lady Rannaldini was looking particularly fetching in a Lindka Cierach suit of ivory silk with a short fitted jacket emphasizing her tiny waist and her newly lifted and remodelled breasts and bottom.
Was Helen in on George’s and Rannaldini’s plan for a super orchestra and market? wondered Flora. She couldn’t see Helen frolicking on a bouncy castle. At least Helen and George can have a good bitch about me, she thought wryly.
Still hubristic over yesterday’s renewal of her contract and her rapprochement with George, Abby had also nipped into Bath that morning and bought a wildly fashionable, very ostentatious orange satin bomber jacket, which she teamed with matching orange satin drainpipes and a black bra. With her wild, shaggy, dark curls, drug pallid face and snake hips she looked like a rock star.
‘Ladies and Gentlemen, please take your places on the platform,’ Knickers was shouting along the passage at the musicians.
‘Christ, here comes Sunset Boulevard,’ said Dixie, as Abby came out of the conductor’s room and popped next door to show herself off to Marcus, who was frantically flipping through his score. He could hardly see it for pencil marks.
‘Don’t look any more, right? You’ll confuse yourself.’
‘I’m going to throw up again.’
‘No, you’re not. I’ll take care of you. You’ve got a good twenty minutes. Leonora takes about fourteen, then they’ve got to get the piano on.’
‘Don’t take it too fast,’ pleaded Marcus, ‘It says allegro but ma non tanto.’
‘Trust me, d’you think George’ll like this pant suit?’
‘Fantastic, he’ll pant with lust.’
‘You reckon.’ Abby fluffed her hair in the mirror and sauntered off towards the stage.
Marcus felt that his hammering heart would soon leave internal bruising on his ribs. The only benefit of panic attacks was that they dulled the pain of Abby lusting after other men.
He picked up his mascot, the copy of The Tempest she had given him which he took everywhere.
‘Merrily, merrily shall I live now,’ he read
‘Under the blossom that hangs on the bough.’
Ariel couldn’t have been an asthmatic.
Viking and Flora should have already been on stage, but Viking had only just got back from recording the Brahms Horn Trio and Flora was giving him a whispered update on her raiding of the files, her confrontation of George and George’s new alliance with Abby.
‘The bastard,’ said Viking outraged.
‘We must tell the orchestra,’ pleaded Flora. ‘If they were prepared to strike to get rid of Abby, they’d certainly come out against a merger.’
Viking shook his head.
‘No-one loses strikes except musicians. They’d just close us down without any redundancy. Let’s see what George does next, he won’t want you shopping him to the Press or he might not get planning permission to pull down the hall. At least this gives us room to manoeuvre.’
‘I don’t trust him.’
‘I quite like the guy,’ admitted Viking.
‘Only because he’s offering you a job in the new orchestra. He’s just swanned off with Lady Rannaldini.’
‘Is Sir Roberto here?’
‘He’s in Rome,’ said Flora bitterly. ‘Taking a mistress-class.’
Unable to stop himself, Viking pulled her into his arms.
‘I know how this hurts you, sweetheart.’
‘What the fuck are you two doing?’ screamed Abby, jealousy surging up as uncontrollable as vomit, at finding them together when she was convinced the affaire was over.
Flora nearly dropped her viola.
‘You both should have been on stage five minutes ago,’ yelled Abby. ‘Julian is waiting to go on, Knickers is going ballistic looking for you.’
‘Great outfit, Maestro.’ Totally unabashed, Viking wandered towards the stage. ‘Onotterably chic to match it to your soloist’s hair.’
‘Have you got some sort of death-wish?’ Abby turned her fury on Flora. ‘I told you last night, OK? Your job’s on the line.’
Once again, not wanting to rattle Abby with the merger plot in case she flipped and unnerved Marcus, Flora blurted out that Viking was boasting that he’d just pulled Jessica.
‘It’s called liaising with the management,’ she muttered and fled.
Abby, who still went weak at the knees, every time she remembered Viking kissing her outside St Clement’s, was totally thrown. Somehow she got through the overture because the orchestra could play it in their sleep. She didn’t even notice that Carmine was late on his off-stage entrance because he’d been kissing Lindy Cardew in the instrument room.
But arrogantly thinking she knew the Rachmaninov well enough and opting to conduct without a score she got hopelessly lost in t
he first movement.
Flora was bowing away furiously among the violas, worrying about Marcus’s set white face and his faltering sound. Looking up for reference, she found Abby’s beat wasn’t there, lost confidence and started to panic and make mistakes. Soon the rest of the orchestra, who had also been hopelessly under-rehearsed, were all over the place, half of them coming in, half of them not, unravelling and about to stop dead.
‘Fucking brown-trouser job,’ muttered Dixie to Randy.
Ironically this was Marcus’s salvation. He had nearly fainted with terrror when he first saw the size of the audience. Fighting for breath, his smile sellotaped to his face, his fingers, when he began playing, had been impossibly stiff and wouldn’t do anything he told them.
But, realizing his darling Abby was in desperate trouble, he forgot himself, concentrating on saving her. Steady as a Welsh cob, he kept going, hammering away repeatedly at the first subject, Dum, di-di, dum di-di, dum, dum, nodding until the orchestra found their place.
Abby, with no score for reference, however, was still floundering, her gaudy orange suit making her all the more conspicuous. Towards the end of the movement she got completely lost again so Marcus, with amazing assurance, skipped a page, plunging straight in to the cadenza, so everyone knew where they were and could have some breathing space.
He had chosen Rachmaninov’s second cadenza which was far more demanding. Gradually, as he relaxed and the music he adored took over, he forgot everything else. His pale tortured face grew happy and peaceful. Listening to the melancholy torrents of sound, glittering like a waterfall in the moonlight, Flora ached at the beauty of it. Glancing round, she caught Viking looking straight at her, although he smiled, his eyes were as wet as her own.
Marcus held his breath as the cadenza drew to a close. Not having rehearsed it at all, would Abby know when to cue in the orchestra? He had to accompany brief, beautiful echoes from Peter Plumpton on the flute, then Simon, then Hilary and finally Viking and Quinton, but they all came in on the dot, and the movement finished more or less together.
In the intermezzo where Marcus interpreted the word pianissimo in a multitude of different ways, and in the heroic splendid finale, he grew and grew in stature. Beneath his racing fingers, the great dark Russian monster had become suddenly biddable, and was carrying him home as joyfully as Arion’s dolphin.