“Come on.” My sister lifts me up gently, places me on the sofa and hands me a glass of water. “We’ll get through this. I’m here now. I’ll get you through this.”
She moves away from me and starts whispering to Lucas. Unfortunately for her, my hearing is far from impaired so I hear every single word.
“I knew that guy was bad news. What a fucking creep. I can’t believe…”
“Shh!” Lucas hushes her, clearly more aware of me than Nicolette. “Just keep your opinions to yourself.”
He walks her outside and suddenly, I’m alone with my thoughts. My mind is racing, trying to understand why this is happening. I’ve only known Dexter for a short while, but surely he wouldn’t bail on me like this?
With a soft click, the door closes as Lucas comes back inside. “Are you ok?” he asks me worriedly.
I nod numbly, but of course I don’t mean it. Nothing is okay. It’s far from okay.
Lucas comes to sit down next to me on the bed. He seems like a nice guy, though I think him a coward. Not standing up for his own crime and letting another man take the fall for his murder doesn’t make him a good guy in my book.
“Just leave me alone, please,” I mutter.
He sighs, but doesn’t leave. “I need to say something, Willa, for the sake of everyone involved,” he says with a heavy voice, sounding like the words are physically hard for him to get out. And then he goes on while I sit there, falling apart on the inside.
“I… I come from a small family. It was just my mom and me. We didn’t have much. My dad, he went into the slammer when I was a baby, and he got killed there before I was old enough to actually remember my old man.”
I look up at him, but where my sympathy should be, there’s only a black hole devoid of emotion. I’m too involved in my own sorrow to feel bad for Lucas.
“I thought I couldn’t have a child. I got pretty sick as a kid, and my mom… well, she drank a lot, and left me alone a lot, too. They told me it’d be difficult for me to have kids after one of my illnesses. I didn’t think about it then, but as I got older, it weighed on me more and more.”
His tone grows brighter as he goes on.
“And then I met your sister. She was stunning, perfect, the woman of my dreams. She turned my life around, and first, it was all about protecting her, but a love was born out of the ashes of her previous relationship. And I was falling, hard. Somehow, she got pregnant… Fuck knows how, it’s a miracle baby, this one.”
I force a weak smile on my face.
“And I had to protect her. I would never let anyone else take the fall, and today, I’d taken Nic out to tell her I was turning myself in.”
I look for a trace of lies in his eyes, but Lucas seems to be telling the truth.
“We came home to find you two here, and somehow, Adam fixed the problem,” Lucas finishes. “I know this doesn’t help, but I want you to know, I’m a good guy. And even though Dexter walked out, I’ll be here for you, and your sister.”
He takes my hand and if I weren’t such a mess, maybe I’d even feel a little safer.
“I’ll take care of all of you,” Lucas promises me.
Except I don’t care.
Without Dex, I cease to exist.
* * *
Weeks pass.
I remain frozen in this state of purgatory, unable to move on. This heartbreak feels worse than anything I’ve ever experienced before. Nicolette keeps trying to lift me off the ground, to cheer me up, but I’m just not ready yet.
Why did you leave me, Dex? Why didn’t you even leave a note? Am I not good enough?
I miss him so damn much; it’s like a physical pain.
“Sweetie, do you want something to eat?” Nicolette asks me for about the millionth time today.
I shake my head and look over at her. Her stomach is really swelling now; she looks like she’s about to burst. If I didn’t know any better, I’d say she was overdue already, and I can’t believe that she still has a few weeks to go. The baby is going to grow even more, and that fact seems crazy to me, given how big he already seems to be.
“You can’t keep going like this, Willa. You’re going to make yourself sick.”
“I’m just not hungry,” I mumble.
“I know you’re sad.” My sister sits beside me and grasps my hand. “But this isn’t normal. I don’t want to diminish what you had, but you only knew Dexter for a short time. You can’t let him ruin your life. You’ve gotta move on.”
I nod as if I’m listening, but none of it is sinking in. The dizziness is coming on again—it’s been coming and going ever since that fateful day—and I know exactly where it’s going to lead.
I bolt up and rush to the bathroom, hanging my head over the toilet, and the sickness rushes up through me and flows miserably into the bowl. I’m so fed up with all of this, I hate it. My misery really is making me ill, and I don’t feel like there’s a damn thing I can do about it. I just can’t shake it off.
Nicolette knocks on the bathroom door. “Are you okay?”
She’s getting used to this routine by now. It must be getting her down, especially as she has so much of her own to worry about, but she’s been endlessly supportive of me. I don’t know how I’d cope without her.
“Yes,” I groan.
“Can I come in?”
“Sure.” I don’t care about anyone seeing me in this crappy state. I don’t care about much anymore.
She tentatively opens the door and steps towards me.
“This is what I mean, sweetheart. This is more than just sadness,” she says.
She perches on the edge of the bath, rubbing her rounded baby bump. “I wonder if…” She pauses, trying to choose her next words carefully. “Is there any chance that you might be pregnant?”
“Pregnant? No, of course not,” I instantly insist.
But then my heart starts to sink. Is there any chance of that? After all, in all of our passionate moments, not once did we consider contraception. It was idiotic, but we’d been so caught up in the moments that it never occurred to us.
Oh God. I look at Nicolette’s bursting frame and try to picture it for myself. It’s not just her stomach that’s blossomed, it’s her breasts too. They’re enormous.
Now that I’ve realized just how possible it is that I could be pregnant, I’m panicking. What the hell would I do with a baby? Could I even look after one? I’d sure as hell have to sort my life out. I can’t live in my sister’s spare room forever, with no money and no resources, sinking further and further into depression if I have a child on the way.
“I got you a pregnancy test just in case. I’ll leave it here in case you feel that you want to just…try.”
I don’t even look as my sister leaves the room; I keep my eyes fixed on that small white cardboard box. The box that has the chance to change absolutely everything.
Should I do it? My heart thumps heavily at the idea. I don’t see that I have any choice now. The idea has been implanted in my mind and I can’t see any other way of getting rid of it.
“Okay,” I whisper to myself. “Just do it to prove Nicolette wrong.”
After I’ve done the awful task of peeing on the stick, I stand there and wait for the longest minute of my life to pass. I don’t even know how I’m feeling during this time; my mind is all over the place. I have no idea what I want the result to be, and that scares me. I’ve never known where my life was headed, and I wasn’t ever ‘the girl with the plan’, but this will anchor me. It’ll have to. I don’t know how to be anchored, and I don’t know how to be in one place, knowing exactly what tomorrow will bring, but I’ll have to figure it out.
Then my eyes see it. Two blue lines appearing in front of me.
It’s positive.
Twenty-Five
Willa
“Goddamn it,” I mutter to myself. I’m only four months pregnant now, and I’m already struggling to do everything that I used to.
The doctor told me that after the first
trimester, the morning sickness and crappy feelings would vanish. Then he suggested that I’d start to develop the ‘pregnancy glow’.
What a fucking liar.
I’m still puking all the time and I feel shittier than ever.
After I found out that I was pregnant, I resolved that I was going to get my life together. I was going to sort out my mood and get myself a job and a place of my own. I didn’t want to live too far away from Nicolette, but I wanted to get out from under her feet. Now that she has a gorgeous little newborn—my nephew Toby William—the apartment is absolutely full.
Unfortunately, I’ve been in too much of a bad way to do any of those things. The only plus-side to that is that I’ve been having some baby practice. I now feel a lot more confident in my mothering abilities, and while I know exactly how hard it’s going to be, I’m also sure that I can do it. I’m not going to be totally out of my depth.
Right now, I’m out getting some groceries for the family. A simple task, but only a few weeks ago, leaving the house seemed impossible. I wish I didn’t feel so awful, though. I wish the dizziness didn’t have to hit at the very worst time. I wish I could just get this one thing right…
An oddly familiar voice questions me a second later. “Are you okay?”
I feel a pair of strong masculine arms wrap around me and I fall into them rather than hitting the ground. For a second, I imagine that it’s Dex capturing me in his arms.
“Here, sit down.” The man gently sets me down on a bench. “Have some water.”
I gulp down the liquid as if it’s the first drink I’ve had in years.
“Thank you,” I say before looking into the man’s eyes. I’m surprised at who I see. “Oh. It’s er…it’s good to see you again, Adam.”
He flashes a genuine smile at me, and I can’t help but return it. “I heard that you were pregnant,” he says.
“Yeah?”
“Nicolette came to show me her gorgeous little Toby and spilled the beans while she was there.”
“Oh right,” I say flatly. I don’t really know what I’m supposed to say to that.
“Are you okay?” he asks again. “I don’t like seeing you this way.”
“Yeah, it’s just the pregnancy symptoms.” I wave my hand, dismissively.
“No, no it isn’t. It runs much deeper than that. You’re desperately sad.” He eyes me curiously. “Are you still living at Nicolette’s place?”
I nod, biting down on my lip. That’s the one situation that I’m really struggling with. I can’t see a way out and I really need one. How am I supposed to be a decent mother when I can’t even provide a home for my baby?
“Okay, how about this…” He starts in a very serious business-like tone. “I own a lot of property. I currently have some empty apartments available. Why don’t I set you up in one?”
“Oh no, I couldn’t.” I shake my head. This solution sounds lovely, but I just can’t. “I couldn’t afford it.”
“No, I know. You can’t work when you’re this ill. I’d be happy to come to an agreement with you.” The shocked look in my eyes makes him laugh. “No, not like that. Get your mind out of the gutter, Willa! I was thinking I could set you up with an apartment, give you a monthly allowance to provide for your child.”
I honestly have no idea what to say. There must be a catch, because nothing worth having in life comes free and so easily.
“I’d be willing to do that on the promise that when you feel up to it, you come and work for me,” he continues. “I don’t mean as a stripper…although I know that you’d be amazing at that, from what my day manager tells me. As a PA. I need a personal assistant for all of the investors that want to be a part of my wonderful, ever-growing business. So…what do you say?”
I will never in my life get an offer as good as this, but at what cost? What the hell am I going to do?
Do I say yes….or no?
Twenty-Six
Dex
“Come on fellas, break it up!” I yell over the braying crowd.
People start to boo me, but I don’t give a shit. I’ve had more trouble than this before. This crowd is nothing; just a few drunken idiots.
Right now, I’m running an underground fighting ring. It isn’t ideal, but it’s better than the shit Adam had me doing early on. I’m simply repaying my debt, every day bringing myself that one step closer to seeing my beautiful Willa again.
The worst part of this is that I’m actually not that far away from her. I’m still in the city, only a few blocks away from Nicolette’s apartment—where I’m assuming she still lives—but I can’t go to see her. That’s a part of the agreement I have with Adam, and the one stipulation that there’s no wiggle room with.
I have no idea what’s going on in her life. Is she happy? Did she manage to recover from my cruel abandonment? Is she with someone else now? Oh god, I can’t even think about that possibility. That will crack me into pieces and finish me off. It’s not that I want her to be miserable; I just can’t bear the prospect of her moving on.
“You’re mine. Do you understand?” The words that I once spoke to her are still true on my behalf, but there’s no telling how she’s feeling from all the way over here.
No, I can’t know a single thing about Willa until I’m done with all of this mafia crap.
I don’t know what she’d think if she could see me now. I’m almost right back to the person I once was—the guy who was nowhere near good enough for her. I’m not out fucking a different girl every single night, but I am drinking a hell of a lot, just to get me through the loneliness. I look older and more haggard every single day because of this.
“Next!” I yell, inviting the next two competitors to come and beat the living shit out of each other. The only rule is that I can’t let it go too far, and I have to stop the fights before someone gets killed.
I’m glad for this, because I’ve seen enough death to last me a lifetime.
My relationship with Adam is stable now. I still hate the guy’s guts, but I have to respect the fact that he did save me from going to jail. Now that I’ve had time to step back and reflect, I can see that he had all of our best intentions at the forefront of his mind, even though it really didn’t seem like it.
Time passes. I see fists flying and blood splattered everywhere, but it doesn’t affect me even slightly. In the beginning, I used to join in and have my own fights, but now I can’t see the point. Now I just get done what needs to be done. Nothing less, nothing more.
“Psst.” I hear a familiar, annoying voice hiss behind me.
“Yes, Monty?” I sigh, turning to face him.
He’s one of my old biker buddies, who has taken it upon himself to become a bookie for these events; a role he’s really relishing.
“Placing any bets tonight?” he asks, shifting on his feet.
“Yeah, I suppose so,” I huff, throwing him a twenty. “The guy in the black shirt.”
The gambling isn’t exactly something that I okayed with Adam, but it’s where my main income comes from now. Obviously, because I’m paying off my debt, I’m not paid for what I do, so I need to get money from somewhere.
It may not exactly be legal, but then again none of this is.
“How you doing, Dex?” Monty asks, sensing my foul mood. He may only be a friend of convenience, but he’s the closest thing that I have to a confidante these days.
“Yeah, dude. Just fed up with this shit.”
“Then why do you do it?” he asks, desperately not wanting me to leave this life behind. If I go, so does his sweet little moneymaker. For lowlifes like us, this is the best we can ever hope for in our harsh, bitter existences.
I answer him evasively. “I ask myself the same question every day.”
“I’ll be back with your winnings.” He grins, sliding off, spotting another potential customer. Business first, as always.
Finally, at six in the morning, I finish up and saddle off to my shitty little hellhole apartment. I couldn’t af
ford anything at first, so I ended up in an old crack den. Now I could afford more but I just can’t be bothered to go.
I wander through the door to see the familiar, yellowing walls and grubby beige carpet greeting me.
“Home sweet home.” I murmur sarcastically.
I pick up my crappy old-fashioned cellphone to see three missed calls from Adam. I call him back quickly, knowing that if I don’t, he’ll give me a shitty job to do as a punishment.
“Hello, Dexter,” he says, keeping his professional tone in check.
“Yep?” I respond, not showing him the same courtesy.
“Now, now,” he says sarcastically.
I remain silent. I’m sick of this routine that he insists we go through. I would rather he just get to the point already.
“How are things going with the business?” he asks, finally changing the subject.
“The business is going great.”
I hate it when he calls the fighting ring a business. It’s illegal bullshit, can’t dress it up as anything more.
“Do you have some money for me?”
“Yes, I’ll drop it off later today.”
“How many fighters?”
The men pay to get in the ring, which is why this is the question that he’s most interested in.
“Thirty-four.”
“Any…incidents?”
“Nothing I couldn’t handle.”
“Good, good.”
“I’m hanging up now. I’ll see you this afternoon.”
I press the red ‘end call’ button quickly. I don’t want to spend more time talking to this guy than absolutely necessary.
Over time, I’ve developed an all-consuming hatred for Adam. I hate the bastard, I hate him with my whole heart and my guts. He’s sent me away from Willa, he made me miss out, and he made me take the fall. I’ve always known he could’ve resolved the situation differently, but he liked to play with people.
We were like the actors in a soap opera to him, and he directed us as he damn well pleased. And one day, I’d get my revenge for what Adam did to me. I’d see him go down in flames.
Wanted - Dead or Alive: A Bad Boy Outlaw Romance Page 13