“You didn’t force me to do anything, and if something had happened between us last night, it wouldn’t have been your fault. It’s no one’s fault. It just would have …happened.”
“I feel bad because nothing would have happened if I hadn’t all but propositioned you nights before. We wouldn’t be in this position now. We wouldn’t have been in many situations if not for me.” More tears came as she spoke.
“I don’t know about that, Abby. We tend to be crazy together.” I searched her face and caught and held her gaze. It was time. Time for me to get the balls I claimed to have and come clean. Come clean and try out this crazy idea that had formed in my head. It could be one of those things I’d probably kick myself for, but I wanted it. For her. “Abby, talk to me about this baby idea of yours.”
“No, it’s okay.” She shook her head. “I think it’s stupid and crazy, just as you said. Now that I know we didn’t sleep together, I can just rethink things.” She dabbed at her eyes.
“You aren’t happy, and I know you don’t think it’s great last night didn’t happen.”
“Gilly, this is really hard for me to talk about.” She swallowed and wiped away more tears.
“So… I know I’ve been an ass this week, but you always talk to me about everything. So, let’s talk.” I kept my gaze trained on her. “Abby, what really made you decide you wanted a baby?”
She looked at me, blinked several times, and pulled in a deep breath. “It’s the end result of what I want most. I want a child, but I don’t want my heart broken, Gilly. I would love to do it all the normal way and fall in love and have a child, but I don’t want to be with someone, give my all, give my heart, mind, and soul, and in the end they break me. It terrifies me, and I think I chose all these superficial guys over the years because I knew they were just for fun. Nothing was ever going to happen. I look at Taylor, and she went through so much before she found her prince. I’m the eldest, and I’m supposed to be the example, but I’m not. I’m not strong like her. Months ago, when I thought I’d try the whole dating thing, it just snapped me right back into that fear, and it brought a friend too because I realized I don’t want to be alone.”
It all made sense to me now. I took her hands again and brought them up to my lips, kissing her knuckles.
“I’ll do it,” I told her.
She narrowed her eyes at me. “What? What …did you say?”
“I’ll do it, Abby.” I repeated it. “We’ll do it. We’ll have this baby.” That was the idea that came to me. I’d do it, but I needed her to do something for me too, or at least try it if I was going to try this.
Last night was crazy for what happened, but it opened the door to something I’d be an idiot not to explore.
“Gilly…” She searched my eyes. “No…I don’t want you to do something you don’t want to do. This is a big thing, and you’re completely right. It could change us.”
“But…Would that be such a bad thing?” I asked. Something sparkled in her eyes like interest. “Abby, I didn’t tell you I wouldn’t do it because I didn’t want you. I said no because if we ever got together like that… it would be real for me. I couldn’t just be the guy to have meaningless sex with you, and I’d find it hard to have a kid with you and not be part of your lives the way I want.”
Now her eyes grew large and liquid. I’d bet I shocked her to shit.
“What?” She spoke the word, but her voice was barely above a whisper. “Gilly...” The underlying admiration in her tone gripped me.
“You heard me, Abby. So, here’s my very own crazy proposal. A: we have this baby, but you give me a chance to show you I wouldn’t break you; you give us a chance to be something more than friends. The way we were last night. Or B: we have this baby, and we do it like how you said. We just have a child together and it’s ours, but we aren’t in a relationship. I’ll do it for you, and we just continue as we are now.”
A flush crept up her beautiful face. Shock prominent in her eyes.
I stood up, grabbed a cigarette from my back pocket, and tucked it behind my ear. She watched me do that, and her lips parted. I didn’t smoke often. Gave up a while back, but I always had a few cigarettes on me to chill me out in situations like this. I had a cigar on occasion. Today was going to be one of those days when I needed something. It was one of those days when things changed for better or for worse.
She stared at me, cheeks flushed, eyes wide.
“Don’t give me an answer now.” I told her with a small smile. “Take time to think about it. Either way, you get your baby. Okay?”
She nodded very slowly, but something sparkled in her eyes that reminded me of last night. It gave me hope. Hope that I didn’t just screw up our friendship.
I left her with that choice.
Chapter 9
Abby
* * *
A lot of things happened to me when I was sixteen.
It seemed to be a significant year in my life. I had my first kiss and I lost my virginity. I got my first car, and my father gave me my first gold card. Since I was the eldest, he’d come up with this new idea for me. Instead of an allowance he’d deposit in my account on a weekly basis, he gave me a card with an all access pass to a bank account he’d set up for me. It was because he knew I could go crazy shopping and spoiling myself, but I was responsible. I was responsible even at sixteen.
That year, though, I did a lot of irresponsible things. Like the part about losing my virginity.
Funnily enough, the act was synonymous with the first time I allowed myself to wonder if Gilly and I could be more than friends.
Sixteen years of crazy friendship. We’d gotten up to all manner of things. I loved his rebellious ways and loved that he could be a rebel who didn’t act like an ass. We were just who we were and would have been the same if we had money or not.
My grandmother loved all the classic Hollywood actors like James Dean and Clint Eastwood. I’d get lost in their looks with her, and damn, I’d thought Gilly looked exactly like James Dean with a cigarette slinked to the corner of his mouth. And because he’d always had a beard, Wild West Clint Eastwood came to mind. Because Gilly had that lip piercing and I thought he was a dead ringer for Maroon 5’s Adam Lavigne, who also had piercings, I blended all three guys together in my mind whenever I looked at him.
110% Gorgeousness. Gorgeous with that bad boy attitude and that panty-melting smile.
I must have gone through a few months that year of just wondering what it would be like to be with him. I’d wanted him to be my first. The first guy I ever slept with. But he had Cindi Baker, his then girlfriend, who happened to be head cheerleader. They’d been going out for five months, and they looked head over heels. He was so into her, and I couldn’t stand her because she hated my guts with a passion. She didn’t hesitate to give me the boot at tryouts. I never had a chance.
The night I lost my virginity was the same night he won his first Varsity game. He’d just been made quarterback of the team, and the excitement was infectious. All these girls rushed to him at the afterparty. They were the groupies. Usually when that happened, he’d always find me. But she was there. Cindi was there, and he went to her instead.
It was the first time I was reminded that I was the friend. I was just the friend, and he was gorgeous. We’d go through life having different experiences and be with other people who would have to come first. It wouldn’t be how I wanted it, which was to have him all to myself.
It was selfish of me to want something like that because we were friends and I was happy with that.
That night, I went to a college party with Porsha and Bella and got lulled into the call of the foolish. Chad Milton happened to me. Gorgeous, older, and into me. I foolishly believed his shit about love at first sight and found myself in a situation where I went back to his place and had my first sexual experience. It was actually awful because he showed me the door straight after. I made it sound all amazing, however, when I told Gilly.
That
was how we were. I told him everything, so naturally losing my V-card was the type of thing that was big news.
He completely lost it when I told him it was with a college guy. He found Chad and beat the hell out of him. His reason was that Chad was older and I was young and naïve. I never said anything about how happy I was that he did that and figured if I’d actually told him what happened, Gilly would have killed Chad.
Friendship again. I knew I could rely on him to have my back.
The next time I thought about us as more than friends was the kiss. Most people wouldn’t even call that a kiss. It would have been a thing that happened, but what you wouldn’t quite register because of the way it happened. A brush of lips. His on mine for a second, but it felt like fire.
I never mentioned it to anyone, and I went through years wondering and getting the answer I sought when I watched him fall in love with Giselle. She was the only woman I knew he’d ever truly fallen for. Gilly fell completely in love with her and I didn’t think there would be anyone else for him. I’d never seen him behave the way he did with anyone else, and when she left him, he was completely crushed.
To say he was hurt deeply didn’t begin to describe what I saw in him. She crushed him and it changed him. Hardened him. He was still my Gilly, but wounded.
It was selfish of me at the time to think about myself, not when he was so hurt. But, through the midst of all that happened with Giselle the one thing that kept rippling through my mind was the intense love he’d had for her.
It was prominent in their relationship and after.
I was jealous.
Foolish, selfish and jealous because I never thought he could or would ever love me like that even as a friend.
Not until last night…
Last night when he placed two choices down on the table for me. It reminded me of that ‘red or the blue pill’ scene in the Matrix. Free my mind or continue as I was?
There were now a total of three significant times in my life when I’d ever seriously considered us as more than what we were, and last night was the mother of all of them.
His words played over and over again in my mind, like one of those infomercials on the shopping channel that was on all the time. I barely slept because I was actually scared I’d wake up and find it had all been a dream. I didn’t want to wake up and find I’d fallen asleep, or like maybe I was still asleep after Taylor’s wedding and this was a dream within a dream.
I didn’t want that because Option A with Gilly sounded like a fantasy.
As he’d said the words, it was like time froze and held the moment just for me. Nothing could have been more perfect. I didn’t think of him as my friend. In that moment, he was Gilman Hawkins, the sexiest man alive, and he was giving me the option to not only have a baby with him but be with him too.
My cheeks burned every time I thought about it.
And shit… it was two in the afternoon. I’d been sitting out by the pool all day just thinking and playing last night out in my head. Playing it out and imagining myself with him.
Could it really happen that way?
We’d just get together and see where it took us. Try…
What I’d said to him about my worry over heartbreak rang true for him too. I didn’t want it to be. I knew Gilly wouldn’t intentionally hurt me, but he forgot I knew him. I knew his secrets. I knew what he could be like when it came to women, and while he was one of the good guys, he was also a very gorgeous man who was now the quarterback of a national team that had just won the Super Bowl.
It was like an extended scene from high school. Along with the fans, the man even had his own groupies’ pages on Facebook, Twitter, and Instagram. That was what I knew of. It was like overkill now with women galore.
It was just that instead of going to them, he was with me, and he had my name tattooed on his chest.
Footsteps tore my attention away from the ripple of water in the pool I’d been staring at for hours.
Mia and Taylor walked up to me. I gasped when I saw Taylor because as far as I knew, she was supposed to be on her honeymoon in the Caribbean.
I got up and gave her a hug. Then Mia too, even though we’d spoken this morning already.
“Taylor, what are you doing here?” I bubbled, sitting back down.
“We missed our flight yesterday to get the connection for the cruise, so we’re going tonight,” she explained.
“You missed your flight?” I widened my eyes.
Her cheeks flushed, and she gave me a saucy giggle. “Don’t worry. It was for a good reason.”
I was sure it was. Taylor and Dylan were already crazy in love. I could only imagine how excited they must be to finally be together as husband and wife.
“I thought we could have lunch together,” Mia chimed in. “I ordered Chinese, and you’re having it, Miss Lady.”
“I won’t say no to Chinese,” I nodded.
“Good, starving never helped anyone, not even to lose a pound. That pound will come right on back for you with a vengeance.” Taylor smiled then pulled in a little breath as she glanced at Mia.
I knew they would have talked about me. There was no way I expected Mia to keep anything to herself, and not something so big. I’d told her what happened straight after Gilly left.
Taylor cleared her throat. “So, I hear certain things have been happening.” Her eyes brightened as she spoke. “Certain interesting things.”
“Yeah, they sure did.” I sighed. “So, hey, you were right. Both of you.” I looked from her to Mia.
Taylor quirked a brow. “So, what are you going to do?”
“I know what I want to do.”
“And that would be…” Mia smiled wide.
“I want him.” God, as much as I still wanted the baby part of the plan, the idea of being with him was… it was indescribable. It was indescribable and amazing and exciting. I wanted that part more than I could possibly explain, and it threw me because this seemed to all happen so quickly.
“Then you know what to do.” Taylor nodded.
I released a sharp sigh. “What if it doesn’t work? When I asked him to have this baby with me, I never thought this would be the result. I just hoped he’d agree because it’s us and the constant part of that plan was that we’d always be friends. It was perfect because it’s Gilly, and we didn’t have the kind of relationship where we had to worry about heartbreak.” I nodded.
Taylor smiled wider and took my hand into hers. “As the queen of being on the receiving end of heartbreak, take it from me when I say, you won’t know until you try. It’s more terrifying not to try and never know what you could have been.”
That definitely was more terrifying because the thought of not choosing option A terrified me more than the possibility of heartbreak.
“No one can know what could happen until you try.” Mia chuckled. “Personally, I think you guys would rock as a couple. Also, mustn’t forget that new tattoo of his.” She nodded, and they both giggled.
“Help the guy out, Abby. At least he won’t have to explain why in the heavens he’d get his so-called best friend’s name inked on him if he’s with you. It would make sense,” Taylor added with a grin.
I smiled. It seemed like I’d made my decision. Clarity filled my mind and for the first time in forever I felt like myself. My old self, only better.
“Girls, my thanks to both of you. I’m gonna go find him after lunch.” I looked at both of them and widened my smile.
“Oh yeah?” Mia cooed. “You have your game face back on. She’s been gone for months.”
“She’s back, big time.” I chuckled.
* * *
I went to my wardrobe and found the sexiest outfit I could find amongst my collection of amazing clothes.
I chose a beige wrap over belly top so I could show of my belly button ring. Then I chose my sexy-as-hell dark brown leather skirt and stilettos. My hair I kept down and wavy. I did my make-up like I was ready for the red carpet, and then I set out t
o Tom’s Sports Bar.
Gilly was there every Monday playing pool with his friends. There were always a ton of groupies there waiting in line to get picked for the evening by one of the players. I was pretty certain Gilly had his own waiting list of the ones who just wanted to get near enough to talk to him.
Tonight, no groupie on earth, or anyone else for the matter, looked better than me.
Heads turned as I walked in. It was eight o’clock on a Monday night, and the bar was already packed, similar to Friday’s when it was normally heaving.
Heads all turned as I walked in, and eyes glued to me. I went in there like a woman on a mission, and the sexy Latin beat that was playing in the background just added to the vision that I was.
I moved to the balcony and gazed down at the pool table in the center of the ground floor. There he was.
There he was standing at the head of the table holding his cue in position like he was king. I recalled my gorgeous combo comparison of men as I watched him with the cigar slinked to the side of his mouth in pure bad boy mode. Tonight, though, it was like I was seeing him with fresh eyes. Tonight, James Dean, Clint Eastwood, and Adam Lavigne had nothing on Gilman Hawkins.
Tonight, he looked like a masterpiece of a man comparable to a Greek god, and he exuded the confidence of such with his just-got-out-of bed hair, a tight black long-sleeved T-shirt that did an excellent show of his muscles, and dark blue jeans that hung low on his hips.
He’d just bent over to shoot when he saw me watching and straightened.
I smiled, moved away from the balcony, and made my descent down the stairs. I saw the look his teammates gave me. Eric nearly choked on his drink. Then the groupie nearest Gilly narrowed her eyes in scrutiny.
They were all looking, but the person who mattered was him. No one else. This could have been high school all over again, but more than twenty years had passed, and this was that proverbial fork in the road where you got to choose left or right.
I stopped just before him. He took the cigar out of his mouth and gave me a look so scandalous my whole body blushed.
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