“Surely,” I gasped, “you have realized this is false.”
“I admit, I’ve never seen a vampire in the flesh,” Dial said.
“Neither have we,” said the professor, mumbling a little to himself. “But that just may work.”
“What?” I was glad the professor had a plan, because all I had was grabbing Dial’s stick and fighting our way into the mansion. And I’d already exhibited my lack of stick prowess.
“So we don’t know anything,” Dial said. “We’re doomed.”
“No,” the professor said. “They do not know you have defected to the other side.”
“Ooh. That makes me sound like a rat fink. But I suppose it’s true. I did defect.”
“Since they don’t know it, you are still in their good graces, the hero of the hour. And heroes usually can get away with a few favors.”
“So what you’re saying is that I should somehow use my newfound glory and stature to sway the guards and let me pass through the golden arches into the tomb of the vampire?”
“Right out of my mouth.”
“But I see holes in this plan. Firstly, they probably won’t let me in, for I am still a peon. Nextly, I’m still pretty much paranoid of vampires. Nextly after that, how am I supposed to reanimate this vampire?”
“Plus,” I added. “You would be having all the fun. But why are you, and I quote, ‘pretty much paranoid of vampires’?”
“They’re evil and vile.”
The words were like poison shot straight into my bloodstream. I jerked and convulsed. I controlled my shaking body. “Bram Stoker is rolling over in his grave,” I managed to say.
“I know my views have been biased by the VVV, but they are now as much a part of me as my ample manhood. I cannot change them, at least not yet, anyway. I think what I think, and if we free this vampire, I might be willing to change my philosophy. Until then, I have this hatred for them as great as my lust for Juan—”
“There’s a saying,” I said. “It goes ‘A man cannot serve two masters.’”
“Very good, Andy,” the professor said.
“These two desires oppose each other, leaving me feeling empty and void,” Dial continued. “I fear what Juan loves the most. I think now that I need to free this vampire and see for myself what they’re really like, and if they are all they’re cracked up to be, then my need for Juan will overcome my fear and hate and I can live again!” He lifted his massive head to the sky. “I can live!”
“Shhhhh,” hissed the professor. He looked through the bushes for a moment then turned back to us. “You must deal with your mental anguish when the proper time comes. Until then, we have to find a way to free this vampire, and then do something about Buddy, Janice, and Juan.”
“Janice,” I whispered. My love was rotting away.
“Juan,” I heard next to me. No doubt the same thought crossed Dial’s mind.
Professor L asked, “Dial, is the cellar door the only entrance into the cellar?”
“There have been rumors of a secret entrance. I suspect more than a few of my VVV brethren have been curious themselves, for only the Inner Circle is allowed access. So most have never seen them.”
“We’ve got to find a way to outsmart these vampire-slaying assholes,” I said.
And right on cue, the professor said, “Guys, I think I see our chance.”
Chapter Thirty-one
“Okay, guys, here they come,” the professor said. “Lay still.”
My cheek pressed against cold dirt, or rather, what used to be dirt, which was now in fact mud thanks to the sweat slipping and sliding along my cheeks. I gripped the handle of my satchel, wishing it held a gun. This isn’t going to work, I thought. There were two of them coming and only one of Dial. All three were expert fighters. The odds were against Dial.
I didn’t even begin to take the professor and myself into consideration. We would not even be a factor in whatever struggle was about to take place. Sadly, Dial was on his own.
Dial went out to meet his fellow vampire hunters. They talked excitedly just out of earshot. I lay in silence, in fear, and in mud. The professor next to me was equally mute, though maybe not as sweaty.
“They’re over here,” Dial was saying.
“I can’t believe these civilians tried to jump you.”
“Believe me, Granite, I didn’t allow them to realize their misjudgment. They’re out cold, no doubt for a very long time.”
And then a third voice murmured, “Goddamned vampire lovers. Hope Grandmaster doesn’t even bother with the local police. Should just get rid of the nuisance right here, right now.”
“No shit.” That was Granite. “No doubt he will.”
The footfalls stopped, and I felt the disheartening presence of them standing over me. Then cold fingers suddenly closed around my neck. I almost jumped up to run, but realized then that the fingers didn’t close with any sort of fatal grip.
“Pulse is kinda quick to be unconscious,” said the one who wasn’t Granite.
“Er, the vampire lovers were always tripping out on drugs,” Dial said. “Why else would they be into vampires?”
“By the way,” said Granite. “Great work. We’re all really proud of you, the way you double-crossed those vile heathens.”
“Gee, thanks,” Dial said. “That really does make me feel warm inside. Now do you think we should kill them here or go get Grandmaster?”
“There’s a DDD out on them,” said the one who wasn’t Granite.
“But Grandmaster might have other plans for them, unfortunately,” Granite said. “Slow torture is fun, but sometimes you just want the head rush of a good, brutal deathblow.”
“Well, guys, I’ve had kind of a long night,” Dial said. “Would you mind carrying them for me?”
“You’re the hero. Whatever you say.”
And with that, strong hands gripped the back of my collar and the top of my pants. And, as if an unwilling participant in a David Copperfield act, I rose quickly off the ground. I was then thrown over a shoulder. My eyes bounced open from the jar, and I saw the huge form of Dial behind them. He looked like a very pissed-off grizzly. He raised his two paws high in the air, and, silent as a lamb, threw his paws down hard, the left one landing on the man holding me. There was skull-crushing sound just inches from my ear and suddenly I was falling.
Luckily, I thought, I was going to land on the hulk holding me. Unluckily, I landed with a burst of air from my lungs, because the hulk was harder than the rocky ground itself.
I looked over at the professor and saw him rising from the beast below him. Apparently Dial’s right fist had connected as well as his left. I was glad this goon was on our side, at least for the moment.
“So how long will they be out?” asked the professor, dusting his long limbs.
“Two hours and...eight minutes. When they do awake they won’t be able to move their heads for at least another day. I have crushed their timulars, which is in the neck, a possibly fatal blow if I had allowed ten more pounds of pressure into my swing.”
Minutes later I was one of them, the professor and I having switched clothes with the two freaks. The trouble, of course, was that the clothes did not even remotely fit. The professor, taller than me by about four inches, had less trouble than I, but we still spent several minutes tucking camouflage here and folding there.
Finally, Dial gave us the once-over. He nodded slowly. “Yes. We’re going to die.”
I couldn’t have agreed more.
But I wanted a look at that vampire first.
Chapter Thirty-two
“So what’s the plan now?” I asked, pushing the big hat back from over my eyes.
“We kick ass,” said Dial.
“No, I mean what’s really the plan?”
“That’s it.”
“You’re kidding.”
He turned his face to me, the orange half-moon hovering just over his shoulder.
“Okay, so you’re not kidding.”
/> “No.”
“Dial?” said Professor L. “I’m hardly in any condition to mistreat anyone’s posterior.”
Dial seemed to look at the professor for the first time. “You know any aikido?”
“No. Is that a manga series?”
“Karate?”
“No.”
“Roman-Greco wrestling?”
“Hardly.”
“Can you scratch, claw, and bitchslap?”
“Yes!”
“Good enough. I’ll do the rest.”
“I once owned a pair of leather boxing gloves and used to oil them on my brother’s face,” I interjected, remembering the thought with a smile.
“Perfect.”
“So what’s the plan again?” I asked.
“We’re going to create some sort of diversion,” said Dial. “Somehow, I’m going to get those guards away from their posts. That will work better than me trying to talk the three of us in.”
“And then the professor and I slip in like toast in a toaster?”
“Exactly. So let’s get going.”
“Now?” the professor and I yipped together.
“Best now while mayhem abounds and these two are beddy bye.”
With a gulp and a wheeze, I followed Dial as he stealthily made his way from the woods. Even though I tried my damnedest, I sounded like a freight train compared to Dial’s puma-like feet.
And then we were in the open, exposed. I felt naked in the open, where the moonlight shown freely upon my personage; in fact, I really did feel naked. I looked down at my zipper. Damn those camouflaged pantaloons! A draft was making its merry way through a cavern-like opening at my crotch. This was definitely the mother of all zippers. A few seconds of zipping finally closed my fly. I didn’t want to think about the size of the goon’s package that had previously resided there.
“Come on, guys, just follow my lead and we shouldn’t have any problems,” Dial said.
“Who the hell are you?” a strange voice sounded, typically deep and gruff. It was almost like you couldn’t join the VVV unless your voice was like a jet plane preparing for takeoff, even if you were female.
And, looking like all the others cloned from whatever factory they came from, a huge VVV warrior bounced towards us from the main entrance of the mansion.
“Who the hell do you think?” returned Dial in his natural, rather fierce voice.
“Oh.” The clone stopped just outside the yellow circle thrown from the powerful outside spotlight.
“Just keep your hats low and think big,” whispered Dial to the prof and me.
I looked down at my crotch. Thinking big hadn’t helped me in that department. With a shuddering sigh, I stopped just short of the VVV soldier.
“I wanted to congratulate you on a mission well done, Brother Dial.”
“As you well know, Brother Nail, it is not wholly finished, for two of the scum had escaped.”
“It could not be helped, Brother Dial. You had your role to act out. You can’t keep track of all the turds in the toilet bowl. Your job was to flush.”
“Compassion and love of death make a good warrior, and you are both of those, Brother Nail. Down with the vampire lovers!”
“May they twist and writhe in hell and choke on Charlaine Harris’s soiled panties!”
“True blood, indeed,” Dial said, in what was apparently some little inside joke.
It grew quiet and I watched their massive chests heaving in the night. Boy, they sure could get worked up over these things. These VVV freaks were almost as obsessed as the Vampire Club.
“Why aren’t your friends joining us, Dial?”
“Er, uh, er new recruits.”
“Didn’t know we were getting new recruits on such a crucial assignment.” He pointed at my vampire satchel. “And that’s not regulation issue.”
“What rank are you, Brother Nail?”
“Plebe.”
“Are you part of the decision making?”
“No, but—”
“Does the Inner Circle tell you everything?”
“They usually inform us of new—”
“Well, not this time, and I have moved up in rank since this assignment. I am now Cojones Dial. I am to train them in the field.”
“This is a rare occasion, Brother Cojones Dial. I’ve never heard of such methods employed.”
“You have now, Brother Nail! Now drop and give me fifty.”
“Now?”
“Hundred!”
“Yes, Sir, Sir, yes, Sir, Sir!” he bark-chanted as he dropped onto his hands and began pumping and grunting.
The whole time I dared not look up for fear of being recognized. Dial gently raised his size-eighteen boot, eased it over Nail’s neck, and then stomped down.
“Will be out for a hundred and seventeen minutes. Andy, grab an ankle.”
I wrapped both arms around Nail’s left ankle, and as we began to drag him off, I was not surprised to see Dial move ahead. Nearly dragging me along with the limp body. In the end, I was only holding on to a pant leg.
“Now,” said Dial, “for the tricky part.”
And the professor and I followed him up into the mansion.
Chapter Thirty-three
“Shit, shit, shit, shit, shit.”
“Pardon me?” I asked Dial.
“Shit.”
“That’s what I thought you said.”
“Is there a problem, Dial?” interjected the professor.
Dial pointed behind me and said, “Shit.”
I turned to see the rapidly moving figure of our host, Granddaddy Grandmaster, otherwise known as Grandmaster. He moved like a two-legged crab, bony but determined.
Grandmaster was surrounded by a small entourage. They were jabbering away wildly, and I was not surprised to hear my name mentioned once or twice.
“Shit,” hissed Dial once again, for we were standing quite motionless in the doorway of the mansion. We were about to cross paths with a vicious pack of VVV.
“C’mon,” said Dial, turning his back. “Let’s get in and get out of here.”
I was all for the idea and was turning my narrow shoulders to carry out Dial’s little gem of an idea. Grandmaster bellowed, “Dial? Is that Dial? I can’t tell one of you monsters from the rest!”
“It is I, Granddaddy Grandmaster,” he said, and I hoped the fear in his voice was mistaken for respect.
“Dial. Good.”
Granddaddy made his sweet way along the walk and was soon on the porch, standing boldly next to me. “Excuse me, Grandmaster,” I said in my deepest, most manly voice as I removed my pulverized foot from under his boot. I lowered my head and hunched down, grateful for the silly little caps the VVV wore.
He turned to me. “Isn’t it a little late for selling cookies, little girl?”
So much for my ego.
I was tongue-tied, but I decided to simply open my mouth and rely solely on my primal instinct to get me through this sticky situation. “Can I use your toilet?”
“Yeah, sure, just be quick, we have some important business at hand. Now let’s see, it’s on the left of the main entrance of the right hallway towards the center of the room to your left. If you keep to your right and then finally turn left at the library which would be on your right, no, left, you shouldn’t have any problem. You getting this, little girl?”
“No, Mister.”
“Who wants to help this little girl to the potty?”
I saw feet fidgeting and then slowly stepping back. “Anger?” Grandmaster asked.
“No, not me, Grandmaster,” said a low voice. “Little girls make me nervous.”
“Didn’t you just take out an entire Baltic Army of Darkness a few years ago?”
“Sort of. Just their elite forces.”
“And yet little girls make you nervous?”
“They whimper when you kill them—I mean, when you don’t buy any cookies from them.”
“How about you, Rip?” Grandmaster said.
/>
“Don’t know where it’s at.”
“Why?”
“Never used it here.”
“How long have you been living here?”
“I was transferred here from East Germany two years ago.”
“Have you, er, gone to the bathroom since?”
“No.”
“I can scarcely believe that, Rip.”
“It’s true, Grandmaster. I’ve spent some of my training in a Tibetan monastery, and they taught me many wonders. But as to the wonder pertaining to this conversation, they taught me the art of elimination of bodily fluids through skin.”
“This is possible?”
“Oh, yes, for I am living proof. The process of evaporation is a constant process for me. It’s sort of like I’m going to the bathroom continuously, except, of course, it’s a fine mist.”
“What about on cloudy or cold days?”
“I bloat like a pig.”
“And you smell like one, too”
That drew a big laugh. Grandmaster gave a rueful sigh. “Where do we find you guys?”
It was a rhetorical question, but Rip felt it necessary to answer. “We need work, Grandmaster. Once we retire from the armed services, there’s not much else trained killers can do.”
“I’ll take him,” said Dial, which fit right in with the plan I’d been forming in my mind. It made me think about the professor’s sixth sense, though I didn’t see how much could penetrate Dial’s thick skull.
“Yes,” said another voice. “Let the hero take the girl. Let the hero who let two fucking vampire lovers escape take the little girl.”
I detected some hostility in the voice but couldn’t be sure. With this crowd, jokes were mean and violence was funny.
Instead of responding, Dial grabbed my hand and led me into the house. In his other hand trailed the professor. “Better get the other girl to go at the same time, or this will take all night,” Dial said.
Grandmaster barked an order for Dial to hurry, for there was important business at hand and to come to the meeting room immediately after. Once inside, we passed the goons guarding the cellar door and then made a right down a hallway.
Scott Nicholson Library Vol 2 Page 40