“Linds, I know this is tough, but you have to understand, your mom and I are divorced. We’re a family. You and I. You and your mom. But all three of us, we’re...”
“But we’re not really a family,” she interrupted. “I know. I get it. But you don’t understand that I’ve been looking for you for years.”
He stopped her. “What do you mean, looking for me? I thought you didn’t really know about us?”
“I knew I had a dad and if you were alive, I figured maybe you would write my mom. I always checked the mail, in case there was a letter. And I searched online. I dreamed about you. I wrote letters I couldn’t send because I didn’t know where you lived and I didn’t know your name.”
“Then how did you look for me?”
“I remembered you on the horse and one time, a long time ago, I heard Mom talking to someone, telling them about my dad. I knew my last name was Cooper. I just didn’t know where you lived.”
His heart broke in a million new pieces, and he pulled her close, holding her tight. He wasn’t the only one who had missed out on years of being together, on moments they should have shared. School events, life events. They had both been missing each other.
“I’m here now.” He kissed the top of her head and she wiggled from his arms, brushing away tears.
“I know.”
“So let’s make a deal. You don’t have to come up with excuses to see me. You just have to call. If I’m busy with work, I’ll tell you, and we’ll make a time to be together.” Make time to be together—even to him it sounded lame. “I’m not sure how this whole father-daughter thing works, Lindsey, but we’ll figure it out. And you can help me.”
“But I don’t really know what a dad is supposed to do.”
He smiled at her and there was only one answer. “They slay giants, Linds. That’s what they do.”
“Giants like kidney failure?” Her smile had faded and she looked away, her watery gaze focusing on the mare again.
“That was just a small giant. Dads are there to make sure boys you date act like gentleman, that broken hearts never happen and that flat tires get changed.”
She grinned up at him. “I’m glad you’re my dad.”
“Me, too. And I’ll always be here for you.”
“I’m sorry for the call and for lying to you.” She reached to pet the mare.
“I know.”
It wouldn’t be the last time they had a talk like this. Even though she shouldn’t have made the call, he was glad she had, glad they were together and glad he could have these conversations with her. These were the discussions he’d thought he might never have.
Behind him, the door to the barn opened, letting in a shaft of late-afternoon sunlight that sent dust particles dancing on the beam of light. Jana stood in that light, hesitant, unsure, the golden light framing her silhouette.
“Everything okay out here?” She walked up to their daughter and put her arms around Lindsey, looking over her head at him.
“Yeah, everything is fine.” He winked at Lindsey and then smiled at Jana, even though it wasn’t easy. “I hear you make pretty decent spaghetti.”
“So I’ve been told.” She looked unsure as her eyes sought his. “Do you want to join us?”
“If you don’t mind.”
They walked to the house together, Jana a little off to the side, Lindsey holding his hand.
“Do you like French bread?” Lindsey asked as they walked up the steps of the house and through the front door.
“Yes, I do.” He held the door open for his daughter and Jana.
“Mom makes the best.” Lindsey smiled at her mom, obviously overlooking the tension between her parents.
Blake looked at his ex-wife. “You bake bread now?”
“And homemade spaghetti sauce,” Lindsey added.
Pink crept into Jana’s cheeks. “I’ve had a few years to learn to cook.”
“Mom couldn’t cook?” Lindsey had hold of his hand again and was leading him to the kitchen.
“No, I couldn’t.” Jana lifted the lid from a pot on the stove and stirred. “I had never cooked. It made for some interesting meals.”
“Interesting?” Blake laughed an easy laugh that felt pretty good. “I remember something with sausage and chicken with vegetables in macaroni and cheese?”
Jana filled a second pot with water and put it on the stove, turning the burner to high. He watched, sitting at the island, his daughter next to him.
“I just knew that you liked pasta and meat. Your mom told me if I could fix pasta I’d make you happy. I had no idea how, so I bought macaroni and cheese, followed the directions and threw in some meat and peas, I think.”
“Yes, the peas. I’d forgotten. I think you also put some boiled eggs in it.”
“It wasn’t horrible.”
He smiled, remembering how she’d cried and he’d tried to eat the gunk on his plate. “It wasn’t horrible.”
And then they’d made up, and that hadn’t been horrible. They’d eaten at the Mad Cow a lot after that. Or he’d cooked on the grill. They’d found ways to overcome her lack of culinary skills.
They did have good memories between them, he thought. He’d just chosen to forget them. He’d worked on forgetting the woman who had broken his heart. And now he didn’t know her. She’d become someone else in the years since she’d left.
Maybe the woman she’d become was a woman he could admire.
* * *
Jana sliced the bread, trying to forget those early years when she’d always felt like a failure. She didn’t want him to know that after she left she’d bought a cookbook with nothing but pasta recipes. She had taught herself to cook something other than chocolate pie, the one thing she’d known how to fix for him. Granny Myrna had taught her to make that pie.
“Jana?”
She looked up from the bread she was slicing. “I’m sorry. I got lost in thought.”
“Do you need me to do anything?”
She shook her head, “No. I have everything ready. I’ll cook the pasta and we’ll be ready to eat. Lindsey, do you want to get the salad and dressing out of the fridge?”
Lindsey hopped down from the stool, flinching as she landed. Jana glanced from her daughter to Blake. Worry tightened in her chest, burning there as she watched her daughter.
“Lindsey, what’s wrong?”
“I’m fine, Mom. It was just a twinge.”
Blake was on his feet next to her. “Go sit down. I’ll get the salad and set the table.”
“Dad, I’ve got this.”
Jana added the spaghetti pasta to the boiling water and stirred it to keep it from sticking. “Lindsey, sit down. A long day is a good reason to rest.”
Lindsey huffed her dislike and went to the table, pulling out a chair and plopping down. Jana left the spaghetti to boil and she touched her wrist to her daughter’s forehead.
“You feel warm to me.”
Lindsey moved away, her eyes shimmering with unshed tears. “I’m fine. Please don’t do this. Don’t panic every time I cringe, or even feel a little sick. I’m not rejecting the kidney.”
“Maybe not, but we have to be cautious.”
“I know, but I don’t want you to freak out every time something happens.”
“I promise I’ll try not to.” Jana glanced toward the stove. Blake was stirring the spaghetti. “I’m going to finish cooking our dinner and then we’ll take your temperature.”
“Okay.” Lindsey brushed away a tear. “But I’m fine.”
Jana hoped she was fine. She wondered if the fear of kidney rejection would ever go away. Would they live each day, wondering if something would go wrong? Or would they learn to relax, to just trust God and accept the gift of second chances?
She took the long sp
oon from Blake and moved him out of the way. He didn’t comment, but his arm slid around her waist and he gave her a quick hug, tugging her against his side just briefly before he walked away.
After he left her side she let a few tears fall, blinking to keep the storm of emotion at bay. How could she stay here, loving him and knowing he would never really let her back into his life?
She knew the answer. She stayed for her daughter. She would do anything for Lindsey, even stay here with Blake in her life but not really in her life.
A few minutes later they sat down to dinner together. Lindsey, Jana and Blake. Jana took the hand Blake offered and reached across the table for Lindsey’s hand. Blake held their daughter’s other hand. They bowed their heads and he asked a blessing on the food, on their lives and on their daughter’s health. Jana closed her eyes tight, fighting the way she ached deep down inside.
Blake released her hand. She looked up and somehow managed a smile. She even managed to eat and to have conversation that seemed normal.
All the while her gaze kept straying to her daughter’s pale face. Worry needled her, making her doubt everything.
“This is really good.” Blake took a second helping. When she looked at him, he grinned. “I mean it.”
“You told me the macaroni and cheese gunk was good, too,” she reminded.
“I didn’t mean that.”
Lindsey stirred the spaghetti around her plate. It was her favorite. Jana reminded her of that, and she shrugged.
“I think I’m going to go to bed,” Lindsey finally said, standing up from the table with the barely touched plate of spaghetti.
Jana glanced at Blake and then back to her daughter. “Maybe we should call your brother Jesse or go to the emergency room.”
“Mom, I’m fine. Remember, they said I’d be tired.”
“I know, but...” Jana took a deep breath, told herself to relax, and somehow she smiled. “You’re right. Get some sleep, and we’ll leave early for Tulsa.”
“Doctor’s appointments, great.” Lindsey kissed Jana’s cheek and then rounded the table to hug her dad. “Are you going with us?”
“Of course I am. I have post-op checkups, too.”
Jana started to stand but Lindsey stopped her. “Mom, I think I’m past being tucked in at night.”
“Right, of course you are.”
Jana got it. Her daughter was too old to be tucked in, but not too old to try to push her parents together.
“I’ll help you do the dishes.” Blake pushed himself to his feet and started gathering plates.
“You don’t have to.” Jana carried the plate of bread and their glasses to the sink. “I can do this later.”
“I can help you now, and we’ll be done twice as quick.”
He’d always said that. They would do the dishes together each night and then they would sit on the front porch as the sun went down.
“I missed you.” She said it softly, not sure if he wanted to hear or was ready to listen.
He didn’t respond. He rinsed the last dish and stacked it in the drainer before looking at her, his hazel eyes dark, studying her face.
“I missed you, too.” He leaned against the counter, his hands settled on her waist. “And that’s the part that makes it hard to let you walk back into my life as if it never happened.”
“I know and I understand.” She stood on tiptoe and kissed his cheek. “I’m sorry.”
He looked around the now-clean kitchen. “I have to go. We need to be on the road by seven tomorrow morning.”
“We’ll be ready. Do you want me to pick you up?”
He grinned at that, and she remembered how much she loved that smile of his. “No, I think I’ll do the driving this time.”
She walked him to the front door. He didn’t kiss her goodbye. He didn’t hug her. He did tell her to sleep well and not to worry.
A few minutes later he drove down the driveway and she was alone again. She prayed it wouldn’t always be this way. Maybe it hadn’t been her intention when she came home, to find a way to fix things with Blake. But everything had changed, and she knew she would do whatever she could to fix her marriage, to make them a family again.
Chapter Eight
Blake breathed a sigh of relief after Lindsey’s appointment. She wasn’t in rejection. The doctor had given them a list of symptoms to watch for, but he was convinced Lindsey was in the clear. What he didn’t want was for her to get sick at this stage, so they needed to watch her and do their best to keep her healthy.
As they headed home from the hospital, Lindsey leaned over from the backseat of his truck, where she’d been listening to music on the MP3 player Mia bought her.
“Remember your promise.” Lindsey flicked his shoulder. “We’re taking Teddy fishing as soon as we get home.”
“I haven’t forgotten.”
Jana glanced his way, her mouth a tight line of pretty obvious disapproval. “Should we?”
“Take Teddy fishing?” Blake asked, knowing she meant Lindsey.
“Should Lindsey go fishing?” Jana shot him the look normally reserved for a kid that had gotten into dessert and made a mess.
“Dr. Everton said she should take it easy and watch for signs of rejection but she should also do what she feels like doing. Within reason.” The last was for his daughter. In case she got any ideas.
“Fishing isn’t dangerous, and Teddy is looking forward to this.” Lindsey turned her attention to her mom. “We can’t let a little kid down.”
Jana laughed at that. “Right, I’m just not sure if Teddy is the little kid you’re worried about letting down.”
She responded with mock teen hurt. “Of course I’m worried about Teddy. He’s awesome.”
“I talked to his mom last night, and she gave permission for him to spend the afternoon and evening with us. Sissy is at a friend’s house.” He glanced at Jana. “Is that okay with you, if we take him?”
Her face mirrored her confusion. “Blake, you don’t have to ask my permission. You were spending time with Teddy before we came back to town, and I definitely wouldn’t want you to stop just because we’re here now.”
“Jana, I’m asking because I thought you’d like to go with us.” That might prove to be a mistake on his part, asking Jana to go with them, but it seemed right to have her along.
“Me?”
“Yeah, you.” He glanced in the rearview mirror. Lindsey had settled back in her seat, but her eyes flicked from him to her mom and she had a pretty happy smile on her face. He’d give her anything, slay any giant, but he didn’t know if he could give her what she wanted.
How did he tell his daughter not to get her hopes up when it came to her parents getting back together?
How did he not try to give her that?
“I’d like to go,” Jana finally answered. “I can thaw out hamburgers to cook on the grill.”
Blake eased through the city traffic. “Does that mean you don’t think we’ll catch fish?”
Her smile returned. “Oh, I didn’t realize that you planned to catch fish.”
Lindsey groaned. “Such a low blow. You know I always catch fish.”
“Where have you fished?” Blake asked as they headed out of town. There were a lot of blank spaces in his daughter’s life, things he didn’t know and wanted to know.
“In Holland. Sometimes in the ocean but also in a river.”
“Did you go to school there?”
She shook her head. “Mom homeschooled me in Holland. In Africa I went to a private school.”
“Where did you like living the best?” He kept his attention on the road, but he glanced in the rearview mirror, and saw her eyes narrow as she looked at him. “What?”
“That’s a silly question.”
&nb
sp; “Is it?”
“Yeah, because this is my favorite place to be.”
They drove on in silence, but if a man’s heart could burst at the seams, his was pretty close. Jana looked at him before focusing on the window. He saw her pain and knew it wasn’t because Lindsey was happy. It was because their daughter had missed out.
When they reached Dawson, he drove through town, turning on a little side street that led to the tiny house where Teddy lived.
The little boy must have been watching for them, because the truck hadn’t come to a complete stop and Teddy was out the door, a grin splitting his face. He was wearing shorts that were too big, a long-sleeved shirt, boots and a cowboy hat. He had a fishing pole that was barely three feet long.
Blake got out of the truck, and Lindsey ran out her door to greet the little boy. Teddy hugged her first and then hugged Blake.
“I’m ready to go,” he announced with another smile, this one showing the dimple in his left cheek.
“We need to tell your mom.” Blake ruffled the blond hair and headed for the house. Teddy hurried to keep up.
“She’s sleeping.”
Blake stopped. Jana had gotten out of the truck, and she looked at him, then at Teddy.
“Let me knock on the door,” she offered.
Teddy shook his head. “She doesn’t want to be woke up. I tried, but she said to let her sleep and to catch lots of fish.”
Jana obviously wasn’t in the mood to listen. And Blake wasn’t in the mood to stop her. He’d learned a long time ago that when a woman made up her mind about something, it was better to just let her go. And in this situation, he thought she might have a better idea how to handle things.
Teddy’s hand slipped into his, but Blake’s mind traveled eleven years into the past, remembering Jana sleeping a lot, forgetting to bathe the baby, forgetting lunch dates. He should have paid more attention.
“She’s going to be mad,” Teddy whispered as Jana knocked on the door.
“It will be okay, buddy. Jana just wants to make sure your mom isn’t sick.”
“She has a headache,” Teddy informed him, sounding a lot older than a five-year-old should have to sound.
The Cowboy's Reunited Family Page 9