But I know it’s epically bad when my family doesn’t say, “Wow, you done fucked up.” Or even, “That was some good TV you just made, Nitra!”
Instead, they all crawl into bed with me, like we used to pile in bed together back in the day.
When we still lived in Compton, because Mom’s fledgling church was there, and Dad was steady bent on keeping it real. On TV, we’re known for having cozy little conversations in our oversized beds, which are all big enough to fit five people. Conversations ranging from what happened that day to what we’d do if a motherfucking alien tried to come at us and we didn’t have a gun.
But that was just on the show. In real life, we often used to lie there. Quiet and exhausted and grateful to be part of such an accepting and loving family at the end of a struggle-filled day.
I know it’s bad, because instead of talking, we lie like we used to for a very, very long time. So long, I wonder if we’ll ever leave the relative safety of where we’ve ended up.
But eventually Dad says, “I talked with Sandy earlier today. Told her not to bother with contract renewal negotiations. We ain’t coming back.”
That’s an awfully big decision. One most men would have been expected to discuss with their family before making.
But my brother tucks a lock of his wig hair behind his ear before quietly agreeing, “Yeah, I think this is a real good place to end this shit show.”
However, I can’t let them do this. Can’t let them throw away the life they love just to protect me. “No, Dad, you don’t have to do that. This is all my fault. I can’t let you lose your renewal because of what I did. What I let happen.”
Dad looks at me like I’m crazy. Then he says, “Bitch, is you out your monkey-ass mind? This family 300! I don’t care what you bitches do or why you do it. We in this together. Ride or motherfuckin’ die.” But then Dad’s face saddens, as he seems to realize out loud, “That’s what I should have told you the first time you tried to quit the show.”
“That’s right!” Curt Jr. calls out from the other side of my parents, like we’re at church. “We family. No matter what happens, Nitra. And you know we have your back no matter what, just like you’ve always had ours.”
When he says this, I know he’s talking about when he came out as someone just south of transgender when he was twelve. The “unconditional acceptance on top of unending profanity” that made us such a fascinating docu-drama series hadn’t been as automatic as the public was led to believe. And my intractable bitchiness on all subjects from veganism to whether Grenada bought off the rack had come in most handy when wearing both my evangelical mother and my just plain homophobic father down on the subject of letting their only son walk his own path.
However, I truly believe Curt Jr. deserves to live his life however he sees fit. Me getting knocked up by a white supremacist biker? That’s on a whole ‘nother level.
There’s also the other elephant in the bed. My mother and her expectations.
“You can be as bitchy as you want, Nitra Mello. But not with our God. Not with your God!” she told me the one time I tried to float the idea of not going to church with her on TV. “Now get your narrow ass up them steps and get ready for church!”
Right now, I can’t help but feel like the biggest disappointment in the world to the woman who raised me to be both practical and responsible, to separate show life from spiritual life, to respect my body enough not to let anyone I don’t love into my temple.
This feels way beyond the string of one-night stands I engaged in with regular boys once the cameras were turned off.
And I turn over to look at her, so she knows I mean it from the bottom of my regretful heart when I say, “I’m sorry, Mommy. I’m so sorry.”
My mom doesn’t cry. She’s a shepherd of the Lord, here to do his work without getting distracted by the laments of life. But right now she looks as close to tears as I’ve ever seen her. And I get the shameful feeling she’s forcing herself to meet my gaze after my apology.
But then she pushes my weaved in locks out of my eyes, making me feel like I’m ten again. Like before the show, when she used to talk with me quietly, without “a very special moment” music playing over her words.
“You know where I draw the line when it comes to life,” she tells me, voice tight. But then her voice softens as she adds, “But no matter what you decide to do, your daddy’s right. I’m with you. I’ve got your back, too, baby. Because you’re my daughter, and I love you.”
“I know, Mommy,” I say, though I don’t think I really did. Not until now, in my darkest moment.
And though I haven’t trusted them for a very long time, though I’ve kept so many things to myself for fear of what they’d do with the news, I tell them now, “I’m keeping this baby.”
Mom expels a relieved sigh. She is a true shepherd of the Lord, but I think a drag queen son and a dead daughter is enough for one pastor to have to deal with in a lifetime. I appreciate her bravery and commitment, but I’m not going to add the abortion of her very first grandchild to her lists of woes. Also…
“I loved it before I found out what kind of evil its daddy really was, and I still love it now.”
“That’s right,” both my dad and brother co-sign as Mom nods in full agreement.
“I’m going to pray over you and this baby,” she promises me. “And after I come off this tour, me and Daddy will be coming right up there to you in Seattle. You won’t have to worry about a thing. Because we’re going to help you raise this baby right with the Lord and love.”
“And if my little nephew or niece shows any interest in high heels, you know I’ll be coming right on up there with a starter set!” my brother promises.
As my mother often does with my brother, she goes silent before making the very wise decision not to respond to his (most likely super true) declaration.
“The point is, it doesn’t matter who this baby’s daddy is. I hope you know that, pumpkin.”
I nod. Knowing but not quite agreeing. Because I know in my most secret of hearts I’m not just keeping it because I love it, but also because it’s the only thing I have left of the only man I’ve truly ever loved. A man who walked into Colin’s penthouse suite with me, but didn’t come out. The man whose ring I still haven’t managed to take off. Even though I know he’s not my real husband, could never be my true family after the things his real self has done and said about people like us. No matter how loudly he called after me that we were a family. That he loved me.
Now I let my real family hold me, making the greatest sacrifice they know how to make in order to keep me safe and sane.
Now I cry for all the stupid decisions I’ve made over the past two months—the ones that felt like falling in love.
And now the mom I thought had been left behind in Compton holds me as she says, “Ssshh! It’s going to be all right, baby. We’re going to get through this.”
Chapter Twenty-Nine
But I can’t stay in the bed with my family forever. For one thing, I have a job I’m supposed to be starting in Seattle next week, and I’ve already spent three-and-a-half of the four adjustment weeks I’d given myself, hidden away in my family’s Hollywood home. For another, the cameras will be back in a few days to film my father going back into the studio to record a love song for my mom in preparation for the huge vow renewal ceremony that’s supposed to end their season arc.
Still, my dad doesn’t love the idea of me leaving, especially at night. We can be sure there aren’t any paparazzi lurking about, even in the trees. So no one will follow me off the property. But…
“I don’t think you should be driving by yourself at night.”
“It’s just to Sola’s old place in Valencia,” I assure him. “I’ll be there in less than an hour, and then I’ll wait until daylight to start driving again. I promise.”
I wonder if I’ll ever get used to this version of my father. The one who became an only slightly nutty, and not nearly so foul-mouthed, forty
-something as soon as he decided he was done with the cameras for a while.
I hug him, and then Curt Jr. who’s kitted out in full Beyonce drag, yet still managed to get my large suitcase into the back of my Prius in mile-high stilettos.
After he’s done, my brother pulls me into a hug. “You sure you don’t want me to drive you?” he asks for the millionth time.
I laugh. “Somehow I don’t think I’m going to do as good of a job of staying under the press’s radar with BuhBounceye in the driver’s seat.”
“Girl, that ain’t nothing but an outfit change,” Curt Jr. assures me. “I got a Ruby Dee upstairs ain’t nobody going to question.”
“Okay, sweetie,” I say, kissing him on both cheeks. “I think it’s time for both you and Mom to get back to your tours, and for me to start pretending the last two months never happened.”
“That’s gonna be a stretch even for you, Nitra,” Dad says.
But Mom pulls me into her arms and says, “Text us as soon as you get to Sola’s house.”
“I will,” I promise.
And I do, sending out a group text before I stop in at the main house to say hello to Brian.
Brian is Sola’s mentor and second father. Literally the man who gave her away at her wedding to Ivan Rustanov. In fact, he’s leaving early the next morning to attend the opening night performance of her Moscow Opera directorial debut, but he still stayed up late to make sure I got into Sola’s old guest house okay.
“Not at all, my dear girl,” Brian insists when I try to thank him for his consideration. “I don’t sleep much these days anyway. Consequence of getting old and sober.”
We have a cup of organic loose leaf tea and talk about the weather in L.A. as opposed to West Virginia. My new job at the Children’s Hospital of Seattle. The relatively light traffic on the 5 this time of night.
Everything except what’s most weighing on our minds. My huge scandal, and the recent death of Brian’s husband.
The closest we come to it is when he walks me to the back door and clasps my hand between both of his. “You’ll be doing good work up there in Seattle, young Anitra. Even though you’ve abandoned the arts, I want you to know both Sola and I remain proud of you.”
His words mean a lot to me. But the truth is, as I sink into bed in Sola’s old bedroom, I feel closer to turning fifty in July than twenty-six. I’m weary in a way that probably has nothing to do with the life I’m carrying inside me. I think about the one time I pushed the man I originally knew as John Doe to get help, and wonder how long I can go before I’ll have to consider taking my own advice.
Then I welcome the black of sleep, dropping a curtain down on both the reality show and real life.
I fall asleep in Sola’s bed…
...but I don’t wake up there.
Instead I come awake with a gasp in the harsh early morning sun. The wind whipping through my weave, my hands tied in front of me. There are wooden planks instead of Sola’s carpet all around me, and beyond that, lots and lots of stone blue water as far as my eyes can see.
There’s also a metal banister in my direct sightline. It’s the only thing standing between me and the grayish blue water. That’s when I realize I’m on the deck of a large but ancient tugboat, sitting on a bench originally meant to seat fisherman. But why do my feet feel so heavy…?
My eyes widen with horror when I look down. My legs are also tied, nylon rope binding them to what looks like some kind of small, rusty engine…
A motorcycle engine, I realize with a start.
“She’s awake,” a gruff voice says. And then comes the sound of booted feet approaching.
I get most of my answers then with one tilt of my head upwards. A bunch of bikers in leather vests and thick sweatshirts are now standing in front of me.
There has to be at least eight men surrounding me, all dressed in leather, all with different degrees of extreme hate etched across their faces.
Mason’s there. As well as his father. But the only one of these men I really care about is standing in the middle of their ranks. And that’s when my heart totally flatlines.
Because I don’t recognize this man.
This man has the same blue eyes as the John Doe I met two months ago, but now he’s clean-cut with the same haircut as the man in the video I watched that night in Colin’s penthouse suite. He’s also wearing a leather jacket with a patch that declares him the President of the Southern Freedom Knights.
Woods is gone. I can see that now. Killed and buried under his true identity. And Dixon Fairgood—the real Dixon Fairgood—has taken his place. He stands like a boss among these vile men, glaring at me with the same glittering hatred in his eyes.
“Your memory’s come back,” I whisper.
He looks me up and down, lets a full disgusted second pass by before answering, “That it has, race traitor. That it has.”
Chapter Thirty
He remembers.
I’m almost more horrified for him than myself, even though I’m the one tied up. Because now he remembers everything. And now he hates me just as much as he would have if he’d met me before his accident.
No worse, because now he also hates what we did together. And the baby we made.
It feels like I spend hours inside Dixon’s hateful blue stare. But in actuality, it’s only seconds. Seconds of him glaring at me in the exact same deadly way he glared at those West Virginia bikers. Associates of his, I can now see clearly, with the 20/20 hindsight of true knowledge. That must have been how he just “knew” they were there about his backpack.
Back then, those guys were the enemy and I was the woman he was trying to protect. But now…
Now his uncle asks, “You ready to wipe this impurity and her mulatto abomination from the Earth?”
And I’m so busy looking for any trace whatsoever of Woods inside Dixon Fairgood, that it doesn’t even occur to me to process or protest what his uncle just said.
But then Dixon issues a stony, “Mason.”
And like a leather clad automaton on voice control, his cousin moves toward me.
“No!” I scream. Finally understanding, but still not quite able to believe Dixon is going to kill me along with our unborn baby because of his hateful views. “No!!!”
But then it’s too late. Mason lifts me from the bench like I weigh no more than my one word of protest. Then I’m sailing through the air. Into a place where no sound or safety exists, right before I crash into the water.
I struggle against my fate, even as I realize I’m going to die.
I keep my eyes open against the sting of the cold salt water, fighting my inevitable death with everything I have, even though I know it’s hopeless.
I fight and fight. Until the ropes around my hands suddenly give way, the knot coming undone as easily as a shoe lace.
My arms are free!
Now I really start struggling, pushing my arms against the water, trying to get up to the sweet, sweet air. But the engine tied around my legs is heavy, and despite my adrenaline and desperation, my arms are starting to weaken. I’m simply not strong enough to—
My desperate thoughts are interrupted by a cannonball hitting the water.
No, not a cannonball, but…
My eyes widen. Confusion temporarily shorting out my panic as I see a man whip around, searching…until he sees me and makes a beeline.
I haven’t made much progress, but I’m close enough to the light above the water’s surface to realize that it’s Mason. And he’s got a huge knife in his hand.
What the…? Oh no!
He reaches out to me, and I fight him. But I’m no match. He easily grabs me around the waist, pulling me in close with one arm. And my soul cries out, because I know he’s going to put that knife through my stomach, but then…
I’m suddenly lighter, and just like that, we’re rising. Getting closer and closer to the surface on the power of Mason’s kicks.
And things only get stranger after we break the surface.
I’m busy trying to cough up water and breathe and tread at the same time. But he seems intent on some kind of mission. He only gives me a few moments to finish coughing before pulling me backwards into a rescue hold. He paddles us back toward the old tugboat and doesn’t stop until we reach the place where a short metal ladder hangs down from the side.
I grab ahold of the structure gratefully, still coughing up water. But the oxygen must have brought back my rational brain, because I pause halfway up, not sure what to do.
On the one hand, I don’t want to take my chances back in the ocean, especially with no land whatsoever in sight. On the other hand, the last time I checked, the only thing on this tugboat was a group of bikers who wanted me dead. Including the father of my baby.
“Go!” Mason shouts behind me, ending my indecision. “Get back on the fucking boat!”
I climb, liking my odds on the boat way better than down in the water, especially now that my hands are untied and my feet are weight free.
And just as I’m about to crest the top of the ladder, a familiar hand reaches out. One that’s touched every single part of my body.
I take it, more out of surprise than anything.
And Dixon hauls me back onto the boat, gathering me into his arms in a way that feels both foreign and familiar. Yes, I remember the hug, but the leather jacket he’s wearing is cold and unforgiving against my cheek.
He takes the jacket off and tries to wrap it around me. But I shake my head. Even as cold as I am, I do not want that thing anywhere near my body.
“Mason, get her a blanket,” he calls out. And a moment later, I’m wrapped up in a blanket even warmer than Dixon’s arms.
He takes my face in both his hands, “You okay?” he demands. “Are you okay?”
“Wh-what did you drug me with to get me out here?”
He gives me the name of the same anesthesia I’d seen used to put pregnant women under when they need gallbladder surgery.
The Very Bad Fairgoods - Their Ruthless Bad Boys Page 45