The Cornish Knot

by Vicky Adin

  “You’d think I’d get used to it.”

  “I don’t think it’s something you’d ever get used to.” Megan went to sit on the arm of the chair beside Sarah and gently rubbed her back as she used to when Sarah was a child.

  “Let it out, sweetheart. We can’t all be strong all the time. You’re allowed to give in.”

  Megan let her daughter weep, relieved she could share her grief at last. When she felt sure her tears were exhausted, she said, “Do you want to talk?”

  Sarah nodded again. “I’ve let things get on top of me, so I don’t even know where to start. But there’s so many things wrong just now. I hate my job and want to change, but I have no idea what to do instead. We don’t have the money for me to be out of work for any length of time while I figure it out, because of the mortgage. And I’m worried about Nick. He’s unhappy and would like a change too. We can’t both do it at the same time, that’s all.”

  The young couple needed something to happen to take their minds off their latest tragedy. While they would never forget, they could fulfil other dreams. It was just a matter of how she could help.

  Her daughter’s words brought her back with a jolt. “... but then I suddenly realised what life would be like if I lost you too.”

  Sarah’s anguished sobs tore at Megan’s heart. “Lost me? I hope I’m not going anywhere for a good while yet. You would never lose me no matter what happened. I’ll always be with you.” Megan wondered what else she could say to alleviate her girl’s pain and worries.

  “So you’re not going back to Italy or to the States to be with Paul or anything?”

  “No, I’m not.” Comprehension dawned on Megan. No wonder the poor girl was beside herself. “I’m so sorry if you got that impression. No. Never. I enjoy Paul’s company very much, and I hope we will continue to be friends. I’d even like his advice from time to time, but I don’t want to live anywhere but in New Zealand.”

  A weak smile crossed Sarah’s face. “Truly?”

  Megan nodded. “Promise.”

  “That’s a relief ... Oh, Mum. I miss Dad so much.” Fresh tears flowed and a damp handkerchief did little to mop them up.

  “Now that I can understand. You always were your Daddy’s little girl.”

  Megan saw a small flicker of a smile.

  “Yes, I was, wasn’t I.”

  “He loved you very much. You know that, don’t you?”

  Sarah nodded. “The first year after he went ... I think ... I was so focused on making sure you weren’t too miserable and, wishing I could do something to help you get your life back on track, I didn’t let myself think about the void he’d left in my life. But this last year has been agony.”

  “Oh sweetheart, I really wished you’d told me. We could have talked about him, the babies, everything.”

  “I didn’t want to spoil your adventure. And you seemed so wrapped up everything ... in Paul, and finding your past. I was, well ... It was just, with you away ... even Jason wasn’t here. I was, I don’t know, so alone. Ridiculous, isn’t it? I have Nick and Bella, and they are both so precious to me. Bella especially ... but ...”

  “I understand. Really, I do, Sarah. Grief is an odd thing. There is no time frame and no pattern to how and when people grieve, but that is what you are feeling. When Grandma Julia died, I thought my world had ended. She was the only one who knew me from when I was a little girl, and there was no one to share my memories with any more. The one and only link with my past was gone. I’ve had to build a new past. Pity she didn’t tell me herself, but at least we know now.”

  “Yes. That’s it,” Sarah brightened. “I felt as though I’d lost another part of me somehow. People say Bella is like me but only you and Dad could tell me for certain. I see her do things or she gets this look or tilt of her head, and I have memories of me doing the same. But you weren’t here to ask, and it brought it home to me that Dad would never be again. I couldn’t even say to Jason, ‘remember when?’ ”

  “Now I’ve heard it all. You missed your brother!” Megan couldn’t resist teasing her just a little. “See, I always told you family was important.”

  “Yes, you have. I’m sorry I’ve been a right bitch to you at times lately.”

  “You’re forgiven – now I know what was behind it all.”

  “Oh, Mum, what would I do without you? This journey of yours has proved it even more.”

  “And, for your information, Bella does remind me of you sometimes, and I saw a resemblance of you in the portrait of Constance in the Hall in Cornwall.”

  Sarah really smiled this time. “That’s nice to know. Thanks, Mum. At least Constance and Isabel and Grandma Julia will live on in our hearts and minds, no longer lost and alone.”

  By the time Nick returned, the two women had finished their wine, Sarah had mopped up her tears and Megan had a new appreciation of her daughter.

  Chapter 34

  In a better frame of mind than she had been for a long time, Sarah offered to book the packers and removal vans for both Muriel and Megan.

  “Your instincts were right, Mum. The place has just the right feel. I’m glad you made me come along with you.”

  They had even gone to the storage shed together to remind themselves what Megan had kept and what she might need to buy in the way of furniture.

  When they went to check on Muriel, another surprise was in store. The old lady considered she had far too much furniture for the downsized, one-bedroom apartment where she was going.

  “Would you like to have some of these things?”

  Megan stood in the middle of the living area and admired the items Muriel had offered – a tall antique cabinet fitting into the niche in the wall, the wing-back chair she’d sat in and knew to be very comfortable, and the matching two-seater that faced the balcony and the view.

  “I don’t want to take the round table either. It’s extendable so it might suit you.”

  “If you’re very sure, Muriel. I’d be delighted. They’re perfect.”

  In turn, Megan offered Muriel some of her smaller pieces. Between them, they soon furnished both apartments to their satisfaction and decided to sell the rest.

  “The packers will be here early tomorrow, so you don’t have to do a thing.”

  Megan promised to be on hand to help Muriel through the process and get her set up in her new place. By the end of the week Muriel was completely settled, already enjoying the facilities and making friends. Megan promised to call in once in a while or take her to lunch. In a short space of time, they had become friends.

  Megan’s apartment fitted like a glove. She often left the drapes open so she could enjoy the view, and being walking distance from shops and cafés just added to its perfection. Megan was truly home.

  * * * * *

  The day of their commemoration-cum-party turned out to be a typical spring day, sunny but with a sou’westerly blowing. The air was fresh with a sharp scent of seaweed. It was supposed to be a sunny day, but it wouldn’t be warm enough to have lunch on the beach as first planned.

  Megan clambered awkwardly out of the car clutching a cluster of printed balloons. Nick retrieved the fold-up table from the boot and carried it down to the beach, followed by a chattering Bella who fiercely held onto the one balloon she had charge of. Sarah gathered her carry bag from the car and checked they had everything they needed before locking it up.

  “Yes, sis. I’ve remembered the bubbles and glasses,” Jason answered Sarah’s query, helping Trina out of the car. “And all the other things. And before you ask, yes, everything’s ready for later. Thanks to Trina.”

  Megan smiled. Sarah’s attitude towards Jason had changed now he and Trina lived in Auckland. Bit by bit she appeared more relaxed around him and Megan hoped it was a sign he was forgiven. The two young women seemed to get along well, even if still a little tentatively. Today could well be the right time to tell them her plans, if everything worked out as she hoped. It had taken all her willpower not to concede to Sa
rah’s earlier pleas to let her in on the secret.

  Sarah took Trina’s arm, and the girls wandered side by side down to the beach leaving Megan and Jason, who carried a large wicker basket, to tag along behind. Nick found a sheltered spot next to the sea wall, which helped deflect some of the wind. The ever-efficient Sarah quickly decorated the table, weighing the balloons down with a heavy glass base. Then she pulled out a packet of standard balloons, some scissors, a mini balloon pump and a pile of marker pens.

  Nervous laughter answered the loud bang as the cork popped off a champagne bottle Jason had opened, giving them a start. Nick helped fill their glasses, while Jason poured Trina a sparkling grape juice.

  “Here you are, ladies. In celebration.”

  “What about me, Uncle Jason? Can I have a drink?”

  “Of course you can, sweetheart.” Jason crouched to her height. “I have something just for you. See?” He fished a coloured plastic wine glass from the picnic hamper and poured Bella some grape juice, finishing it off with a mini cocktail umbrella and a straw.

  Bella’s eyes bulged as she reached out to take it from him.

  “Manners please, Bella,” said Nick.

  “Fank you,” she said, while concentrating on putting the straw, bobbing up and down in the bubbles, into her mouth.

  Sarah said a quiet thank you, impressed Jason had thought of Bella and had even brought wine buckets and ice without being asked.

  Sarah was satisfied everything was sorted. “Okay, everyone. Before the wind drives us from the beach, let’s start. Mum, you wanted to go first.”

  “I apologise in advance if I get all emotional, but there’s lots of things I want to say – so bear with me, please. First. Trina, I’m very happy you could be with us today. You are part of the family now and we welcome you.

  “I think we should start with those who are missing: your Dad and Trina’s mother.” She inwardly added Sarah’s lost babies. “I’m sorry we didn’t know her.”

  Trina, leaning back against the wall beside Jason, murmured her thanks.

  “Now we’re here, I think we should remember Dad the way he would have wanted. I have lived ever since by the poem read at the service. Remember it?

  Do not stand at my grave and weep,

  I am not there; I do not sleep.

  I am a thousand winds that blow,

  I am the diamond glints on snow,

  I am the sunlight on ripened grain,

  I am the gentle autumn rain.

  When you awaken in the morning’s hush

  I am the swift uplifting rush

  Of quiet birds in circled flight.

  I am the soft stars that shine at night.

  Do not stand at my grave and cry,

  I am not here; I did not die. (Mary Elizabeth Frye)

  Megan paused to blow her nose. The silence lengthened as her family waited for her to pull herself together enough to continue.

  “I hope you take those words to heart.” She sounded husky and cleared her throat. “It’s so true. Your Dad is with you in every breath of wind, in the waves that lap this shore, in Bella’s smile, and his essence is part of that unborn babe. He is still with you. The purpose of these balloons is so we can write our private words and release them. It might not be good for the environment, but I think it will be good for us,” she said, trying for some levity. “Let’s have some fun. As they sail into the sky, celebrate, whatever your thoughts.”

  Nick worked the pump while Sarah handed the markers around so everyone could write something on the stretched skin of the balloon. One by one, they released them into the air. Bella, understanding nothing of the grown-ups words, jumped up and down in excitement to see the balloons fly away.

  “Okay, my turn,” said Jason quickly. “I’m the only one who knew both of them. Their deaths so close together threw me into a spin and I reacted badly.” He coughed to cover a sudden rush of emotion. “I wasn’t there for any of you, not even you Trina, not really. I tried but ... well. I just wasn’t. I know that now. So I want to say sorry, Mum. For being selfish, for making you angry with me, for anything I did to upset you. And, ... I’m looking forward to being a dad, and I hope I can be as good as the one I had ...”

  For a moment, no one said anything. Blinking back her own tears, Trina took his hand, kissed him on the cheek and surreptitiously wiped away a stray tear that threatened to fall.

  “I probably need to send up lots of balloons to make up for it, don’t I,” he grinned, breaking the ice. Sarah threw a pen at him; Nick punched him in the arm, and Megan raised her glass and smiled while she fought to keep her emotions under control.

  “Me next,” said Sarah.

  “Not so fast. I’d like to say something,” said Nick. “I know you’re keen to move on to other things, Megan, but I want to put my oar in here. I’m grateful I knew Tony. He was a good man. I liked him. I’m sorry Bella won’t know him, nor your little one, Jason and Trina, but Megan is right. We honour him most by remembering the good times and being happy. That’s it, really.”

  “Thanks, Nick. You’re so right.” Megan jumped in quickly – three of them speaking about Tony was enough. But Sarah wasn’t to be denied.

  “Hey, Mum. My turn. Don’t worry,” she said gently. “I am determined not to cry. I just wanted to say I miss Dad – all the time and ...” Her wet eyes almost belied her promise. “I want to acknowledge family – all family, those close by, those far away, those almost forgotten but retrieved, thanks to Mum, and those to come.”

  Nick quickly refilled glasses and everyone raised a toast.

  “Can we let off more balloons now, Mummy?”

  Bella’s innocent question destroyed any lingering gloom and brought laughter in its wake.

  “Yes, Bella. I think we can. Come on everyone, more balloons!”

  Nick, pump in hand, could hardly keep up with the numbers as they scribbled words on the bits of coloured rubber. Jason started blowing some up with old-fashioned puff. The mood had turned to party mode with every balloon released, just as Megan had hoped. This was a celebration, after all.

  To Megan’s surprise, Sarah’s bag and Jason’s picnic hamper were stuffed with hidden presents.

  “Help yourself,” instructed Sarah, “and give the gift to the person whose name is written on the tag.”

  “Sarah and I came up with the idea,” added Jason, “to put right some wrongly spoken words.”

  “And for missing too many family events,” Sarah reminded him.

  Jason handed his mother a gift. “I promised to make it up to you, and bit by bit I hope I am.”

  Megan opened the gift to find a framed photo of him and Trina on their wedding day. But this was no traditional wedding photo nor was it a professional shot. Trina looked stunning with her hair clipped back and adorned with flowers, her simple summer dress of exquisite fabric draped perfectly next to Jason in an open-neck shirt.

  The camera had captured a spark of electricity between them. The look on their faces as they gazed at each other was an exquisite moment of intimacy and unity.

  Megan wrapped one arm around his neck as tears blurred her vision.

  “Love you, Mum,” he whispered. He quickly let her go and walked off to talk to Nick before she could respond.

  Megan unwrapped her gift of an art book from Trina and a crystal hanging from Sarah, both of which were beautiful. She had no words. She was far too choked up and needed time to collect herself.

  When all the gifts had been exchanged and words and ideas seemed exhausted, Megan picked up the scissors.

  “Thank you so much for today. You’ve really made it so very special. This is exactly what I hoped for. Oh, this is too much,” she said, wiping away tears she pretended were caused by the wind and changed tack. “But enough. I’m getting cold and we need to go – lunch is calling – but before we do I want to let off the last of these balloons. Bella, come and help me, love.”

  She held Bella’s hand as one by one she cut the strings t
o the printed balloons.

  “Goodbye – to sadness; Hello – to the future; Welcome – to new family; Happy Anniversary – to Jason and Trina: I hope you’ll be as happy as your Dad and me. Okay, Bella. Three more to go,” encouraged Megan as she guided the scissors. “Best Wishes – from me to you; Congratulations – on a life well lived, and last but not least ... Happy Birthday – for next week, Bella.”

  * * * * *

  The warmth of the house and smell of hot soup greeted them as soon as they opened the door back at Sarah’s place.

  “Mmmm. Smells delicious,” said Megan, glad to be inside out of the wind.

  “I’m starved,” said Jason as he took off his jacket and pulled a lump of bread off the freshly baked loaf.

  “Me too,” said Nick, copying him.

  “Wait.” Trina slapped Jason’s hand. “Both of you,” she added, while helping Sarah set the food on the table. In good spirits after their mini festival, they took their places and devoured Trina’s colourful Italian antipasto platter with the same speed and intensity as the soup and breads.

  “Cake, Mummy, cake please,” demanded Bella, who had insisted it was decorated with five birthday candles.

  As they cleaned up after coffee, Megan watched the four of them relaxed and happy. They were enjoying each other’s company in a way they hadn’t quite done before, and jokes were flying. Sarah and Jason threw banter about things they remembered from their childhood, Trina joined in telling them of some of her antics, and Nick, well Nick was the quiet anchor to Sarah’s exuberance. Megan couldn’t have wished for a better mix.

  “All done?” asked Megan as Sarah came to sit by her later.

  “Yep, all done. Thanks, Mum, this was a great idea.” Sarah took Megan’s hand in hers. “I said my final goodbyes to ‘what might have been’, today too.”