by Mia Ford
“Oh my goodness, really?” She clutches her hands to her chest, seemingly in complete and utter shock. “Are you serious? That would be amazing, thank you, Oliver.”
As I see a spark of something other than tragic sadness on her face, I know for sure that I’ve done the right thing. Anything to take Louise’s mind off her problems while she progresses her career seems fine by me. She’s clearly ambitious and wants to go far, so having something positive to work towards is what she needs. Maybe, in all of this, we’ll have to just forget about that moment of madness we shared. It feels a bit empty to consider it as a dirty little secret, but I’m sure it’ll never be mentioned or talked about again. Louise probably just wants to forget that it ever happened.
The first patient comes in and I step back to give Louise the lead. I have to be here to do certain things, we can’t allow the trainees to do everything, but she’s good. She’s calm, considered, and very controlled. She’ll make an excellent gynaecologist one day… much better than me. I might be the best of the best, but I’ve always allowed distractions get to me. Not Louise, she’s much better than that.
As I watch Louise work, she’s at her happiest. It’s almost as if all the problems in the world simply melt off her shoulders and she gives herself over to the patient completely. She forgets about herself and becomes a tool, ready to be used in whatever way she’s needed. But once the patient leaves the room and she’s left with only her thoughts for company, I can see that intense sadness cloud her once more. That breaks my heart, and it also makes me regret every single one night stand that I’ve ever had before in my life. I’ve never stuck around for long enough to see the after effects of what I’ve caused. Of course, I’ve also never been stupid enough not to use protection, so it’s a little different, but the emotional damage is the same. I feel awful, and it makes me wonder how many hearts I’ve broken in the past. I hope it isn’t many, but I’m sure it is. I can trick myself into believing that it’s fine because I’m always upfront in the first place, but I don’t know whether it is completely correct. I’m sure there are still some scars.
I can’t make up for my past mistakes now, in a lot of cases far too much time has passed, but I can take care of Louise. I can be the friend that I was always supposed to be.
***
“What do you have planned for now?” The words burst free from me the moment the last patient for the day leaves.
I’ve been waiting all day long to ask this, which is probably why I sound so desperate now. “I mean… do you have anything going on after work? Plans with Julia?”
“Erm, no.” Louise shakes her head at me. “No, I don’t have anything planned. Just a night in studying, maybe have a bubble bath and read a book. Nothing terribly exciting.”
That all sounds much too lonely, which I know she wants to avoid. That gives me an in.
“Did you want to go out for a drink?” Shit, that sounded too date like, I need to get better at making my intentions crystal clear, especially when they’re innocent! “Like, as friends? Just for a chat? You’ve done such good work today and I thought you might want to go over it…”
“Oh.” Her face lights up in recognition. “Is this where you and the other fully fledged doctors go out for drinks? Are you offering me for a third time because I can’t turn you down again!”
She lets out a little laugh, but that only makes me feel horribly guilty. This isn’t like that at all, this is me wanting to get some alone time with her so maybe we can talk about some real stuff. I get that she doesn’t want to talk about it in the office, but maybe in a more relaxed environment we can get the flow of communication up and running between us again. We both need that.
“Erm, no, I was thinking more a one on one thing. So, you could ask me anything…”
Urgh, my excuse is so shitty, no wonder Louise is looking at me like I’ve grown an extra head. My stomach churns with embarrassment as I cringe deeply. I need to reel it in and take back my offer…
“I would like that,” she stuns me by replying. “Yeah, I’ve had a huge day today, there are some things that I would like to go over with you. That sounds awesome.”
Warm relief floods me as she accepts. There’s hope now, a chance that we can clear the air and make things right. I grab my car keys and smile at her, before indicating towards the door. We walk in silence through the building and to my car, and I notice Louise has her eyes fixed on the ground the entire time, She probably feels like everyone is watching her, wondering what she’s doing coming to my car with me, and to be honest I feel a bit like that as well. I can almost feel all the judging gazes prickling all over my body. Especially from the people who know my past. But this isn’t like that, this is something completely different. For once, it’s innocent and I feel good about that.
“This is a nice car.” Louise breaks the silence as she slides into the passenger’s leather, heated seat which is more comfortable than a couch. “It must have cost you a fortune.”
“Yeah, I suppose it did.” I smirk as I flick the engine to life. “But it’s totally worth it. I love the comforts and luxuries in it. I’m not usually so flash, but I like to have a few nice things.”
I keep my mouth shut about my home, which is almost mansion size in this city. Okay, so it’s far too big for one person but I like it. I’ve earned my money by working my damn ass off, I think I deserve to have some nice things. I do give to charity as well, so it’s not like I’m terrible.
“I would too, if I could afford it,” Louise weakly smiles back at me. “Maybe once I finish medical school and I’m a full-fledged doctor too, I’ll be able to…”
At that moment, she glances down at her stomach and I know why. She’s wondering how the hell she can have it all; a baby, a career, with no money and no support. As a rush of sadness washes over me all I want to do is offer her a decent sum of cash to help her out, but I know that’s inappropriate and it’ll make me look like an asshole. Plus, it’ll only be a band aid, it won’t fix the problem completely. There isn’t really anything I can do for that, it’s the responsibility of the mystery man.
“Yeah. I’m sure you’ll find a way,” I try my best to reassure her. “It’ll be fine.”
Louise doesn’t answer me, her eyes fixed on the window instead, meaning we make the rest of the drive in silence. I flick the radio on and fill the car with a slow pop song, but it doesn’t do anything to shake away the tension. I focus my attention on moving the car forward until we get far away from the hospital to go for our drink. I know the place where I can go for a more intimate time without running the risk of being disturbed by work colleagues. I don’t think is a secret for either of us but I’m sure none of us want to be interrupted. Especially if the conversation teeters into more sensitive areas. If Louise wants to tell me something private, I want to be able to just hear it.
“Right, here we are,” I declare in a gravelly voice as I pull up outside. As the car shuts down and the engine stops roaring, the silence becomes even more apparent. “Are you okay? Do you still want to do this? If you are not comfortable I can turn around and take you back home…”
“No, no, it’s okay.” Louise unclips her seatbelt and grins at me. “I don’t want to be at home just yet. I need a drink after that long ass day. I just wish it could be an alcoholic one…”
As she slides out the car I decide that I’m going to broach the subject of her baby once the time is right. Since she’s sort of mentioned it herself I feel like she’s opening up the gauge for me to do so. I really hope that I’m right, I don’t want to make a mess of things again. I don’t want to push Louise away, just when I feel like I’m getting her back. I’m desperate to keep her in my life, it’s like I’m addicted to her. She’s my drug and I need my fix. Maybe this isn’t like me, but that’s okay. I’m growing, becoming a better, more well known person. Growing up, matching my age.
Well, either that or I’m just obsessed with her because she’s even more out of bounds now. Either w
ay, I don’t want to let her go just yet.
Chapter Fourteen – Louise
I don’t know what I’m doing here in this strange bar with Oliver, I really don’t. I told myself, and Julia when she came around to hang out with me last night, that I would get back to normal for the time being. That I was just going to act like I always did while I got used to the idea of being pregnant… and seems like already I’m breaking this. It’s almost like a date with Oliver, which is strange. It’s weird because of the unspoken oral sex that happened between us, and also because of my baby.
I don’t know what the hell is going on, but it’s happening now. I might as well get used to it.
“Here you are,” Oliver declares with a smile while he settles two identical looking glasses down. “Two orange juices. Just what we need after a long day in the office.”
“You can drink alcohol, you know?” I chuckle as I grab up my glass to take a long, cool swig from it. “You don’t have to restrict yourself because of me. I don’t mind, I wouldn’t blame you.”
“I’m driving anyway, so it’s fine.” He shrugs and sips. “Plus, I like OJ.”
“Fair enough. Let’s cheers then.” I don’t know why I’m acting so giddy and foolish, I suppose it’s the fact that I’ve been allowed to do some pretty awesome stuff at work today. I’ve been trusted, which feels nice. Especially at a time when I’ve very much proven that I can barely trust myself. We clink our glasses together and call out ‘cheers’, acting like two crazy college kids. In reality, I’m a very sensible trainee doctor and Oliver is potentially old enough to be my father… if he had me at seventeen or eighteen years old. He’s handsome for his age, strikingly so, but there’s no denying the giant age gap between us. I’m sure no one could know that it isn’t all innocent…
No, stop it. I drag my eyes away quickly. I have another man’s baby inside me. I can’t think about Oliver as a sexy man who’d old enough to be my dad, but I still fancy the hell out of. It’s wrong.
“So, is there really anything you want to ask me about today?” Oliver asks while placing his glass back on the table. “Or did you just want to get out? You seemed to have it very much under control all day long so I doubt there’s anything you can teach me.”
His words have so many layers. I’m sure there are plenty of things he could teach me that aren’t anything to do with work… oh my God, what is wrong with me? Why can’t I keep my mind out the gutter now that I’m alone with Oliver? It must be my hormones, I don’t know what else it could be. Yes, I was attracted to him long before I fell pregnant, but this is off the scale.
“I don’t think there is, to be honest.” I pause to think but nothing instantly comes to my mind. I think I’ve got it. “Do you have any comments for me? You were watching me all day long.”
“I do have something to say, but it isn’t anything work related. Is that okay? I don’t want to overstep any boundary here. I know that’s something we’re trying to establish.”
Instantly my core pulses hard as I remember the sensation of his mouth pressed against me. It isn’t something that I’ve been able to think of a lot since I got the baby related news afterwards, but now I can’t think of anything else. For boundary related reasons, I know I should turn him down, but there’s a need too deep inside of me that I can’t seem to ignore. It threatens to drive me insane.
“Sure,” I rasp while inadvertently leaning in towards him. “Whatever you want to ask, please ask.”
He bites down his bottom lip and flicks his eyes downwards. The butterflies that flap away in my stomach turn into giant birds, my heart dances, my tummy churns, I feel all mixed up and desperate as I wait for him to put me out of my misery… something that he takes far too long to do.
“It’s about your baby.” Oh. Everything settles with a thump. This is going to be something serious, not sexy and exciting, which is probably for the best to be fair. “What are you going to do?”
Urgh, that question. The what am I going to do question that I can barely stand. Julia kept asking it last night, and I know what she thinks I should do but it really isn’t that straightforward for me. There are complications in my life that I haven’t shared with anyone and to be honest I didn’t think I would have to. It’s a part of my life that I left far behind me and I didn’t want to have to go back to. I certainly didn’t think that it would be something like this sending me flying right back into it. I look up at Oliver, wondering how desperately he needs to know, and it’s written all over his face.
I don’t know what it is, but I feel like I’d give this man absolutely anything.
“I won’t have an abortion,” I told him quietly and honestly. “I can’t. It just isn’t possible…”
“Oh well I understand that.” Oliver reaches across the table and he cups my hand. “Many people are against it, and that’s something that I respect.”
“No, no, it isn’t that.” I snatch my hand away while I explain. I can’t have anything distracting me while I reveal my past pain. “It’s not that I’m against it, I’m pro choice. I know that every situation is different and that everyone has to do what they have to do. There are some situations where it’s the only logical solution, I’m not here to judge. Not for one second.”
“Okay,” Oliver drawls, sounding suitably confused. “I understand…”
“It’s my mom,” I blurt out, accidently interrupting him. “She… she had an abortion and it killed her.” I suck in a few deep breaths and stare uncomfortably into my glass. I can’t see Oliver’s reaction, I don’t want his pity. “It was only me and mom, I never had a father around. I don’t know who he is at all.” The situation is too familiar, it actually hurts to think I might be repeating that cycle. “But despite all of that I was never close to Mom. I think we just existed on different wave lengths. Maybe I reminded her too much of my dad, I don’t know.” I shrug helplessly, fully knowing that I’ll never get my answers. “Anyway, that’s why I always focused so hard on my studies. I loved getting good grades and bumping up the classes, it made me feel really good about myself. I focused on that so I didn’t have to worry about the isolation I felt at home… which only led to more isolation..”
I pause for a moment to take a sip of my drink as the emotion starts to get to me. I want to look up at Oliver, to see how he feels about me after all of the sudden unloading that I did, but I can’t seem to do it just yet. I need to get the rest out and I know he isn’t expecting that.
“It was good when she started dating Derek when I hit fifteen years old but only for a while, maybe about a year actually or a little longer. They were happy for a while until the arguments started up.”
“It’s okay.” Oliver takes my hand again as he sees how much I’m struggling with it. “I understand, you haven’t had it easy, I don’t expect you to tell me all of this.”
But I can’t stop now, the flood gates have opened. “Derek left and my mom fell apart. I’ve never seen depression hit someone so hard. She just became this shell of her former self, never moving off the couch or doing anything. She didn’t wash or dress or move hardly. It was a miracle she kept on going for so long. Maybe…” I sigh, hating myself all over again. “Maybe if I’d understood what I was dealing with better I could have helped her, but I was young. I felt frustrated and overwhelmed so I didn’t ask for help, I didn’t tell anyone about it. I just kept on going.”
Finally, I force my eyes up and I can see the sympathy there in Oliver’s brown, warm eyes. I already know that he’ll never see me the same way again. I suppose it’s good that I’ve already destroyed his perception of me with the pregnancy because this doesn’t hurt quite as much.
“And then Mom found out that she was pregnant. It took her a little while to notice because she was such a mess, and I suppose I thought she was happy when she told me. I thought that she had a connection to Derek that could drag her back up and give her life a purpose again, but it didn’t quite work out like that. Instead she fell apart even more. S
he crumbled.” I shake my head at myself as a tear falls down. I shouldn’t still be so upset about this now, it’s crazy. “I didn’t even know that she was going for an abortion, not until afterwards when she told me in this really calm, clinical way.”
In my mind, I can still see this moment happening, like a vicious cycle that I can’t escape from. Obviously, she thought that she couldn’t cope with the memory of Derek and the pressure of raising a child alone again – which is something that I can only relate to properly, now that I’m going through a similar situation – so she decided to get rid of the issue. Only that didn’t help.
“I guess that sent her around the bend and she couldn’t cope with what she did. I erm, I got home from school one day to find her suicide note. She explained her guilt and said that she didn’t want to add to that by leaving her body for me to find. Instead she wanted to throw herself off a cliff somewhere.” The gut wrenching sensation of finding that letter crushes me even today. It makes me feel helpless and useless. I should have known, I should’ve done something. “No one ever found her body so I didn’t even get to say goodbye properly… but I can’t get rid of my baby knowing what it did to my mom. I’m not her, I won’t behave like her, but still I can’t risk it.”
I don’t tell Oliver this part, but there’s a bit of me that hopes Mom just started another life somewhere. That she decided not to kill herself and she simply shook off her identity and restarted somewhere else, somewhere that makes her happier. She wasn’t ever happy being a mother, I can see that now, so I hope she didn’t waste all her life for me. I want her to be there, somewhere, living her life to the fullest. When things get really tough, sometimes I picture where she might be. It’s always a different scenario, but every single time she’s finally happy and at peace.