by Mia Ford
We pulled our clothes on in blissful silence, straightening our hair and trying to look somewhat presentable. I called down for a car and we took our time walking out to the street. We climbed inside, sitting close to one another. I watched Casey as the morning light blanketed her in a glow and her eyes sparkled. The weather outside was cold but the feeling between us was warm and familiar. I watched as the shop owners hung different seasonal decorations in their store windows and people walked along bundled in warm jackets and knit gloves. Instantly, I could feel that happy feeling I felt when I was a child during the holidays, something I truly had missed. When we arrived at her house, Casey invited me up for coffee and I gladly accepted, not ready to part ways with yet. For some reason, I just couldn’t seem to pull myself away from her.
We walked hand in hand to the door, up the stairs, and into the apartment. The smell of coffee and bacon filled my nose and I could hear Seth talking to his grandmother in the kitchen. We rounded the corner and were greeted by sweet hellos from both Andrea and Seth. Andrea was flipping bacon on the stove and Seth was sitting at the table drawing.
“Hi Dex,” he said, still looking down at his picture. Casey winked at me as she pulled coffee mugs from the cupboard and started preparing our coffee.
“Hey, buddy,” I said, ruffling his brown hair with my hands. “Did you sleep well?”
“Yeah,” he said without thought.
“Whatcha drawing?” I looked over his shoulder and moved to the side, sitting down next to him.
“Buildings,” he replied. “This one was from when we went to the pumpkin patch. It’s the farmhouse.”
“I can see that,” I said. “When I was little, I used to draw buildings too.”
“You did?” His eyes got big like he had never met another artist in his life.
“Yep,” I said. “My mom would take me all over the city and let me draw while she ran errands.”
“My mom won’t let me be alone in the city like that.” He scoffed.
“Well, you are only four and your mom loves you more than the world,” I said, laughing. “Maybe when you’re older.”
Casey brought my cup of coffee over and set it on the table in front of me. I smiled as she patted me on the head and leaned down to kiss my cheek. This felt so perfect that it was terrifying. I sat back in the chair and drank some of my hot brew, staring down at the paper as Seth scribbled and scratched. I could hear Andrea and Casey talking but I zoned out, thinking about when I was Seth’s age. I used to sit at my kitchen table doing the same exact thing. I had a weird way of holding the pencils since my fingers were fat when I was a kid. I looked down at Seth and watched as he pushed his thumb between his middle and ring finger while he held the crayon, exactly as I did. I shook my head with a frown. Surely, it was just a strange coincidence.
As I took another drink of my coffee, I thought about the amount of time I was away versus how old Seth was. I shook my head again, feeling silly for even thinking about it. It couldn’t be, could it? I watched as Seth studied his picture hard, looking for any imperfections, scrubbing out one side and fixing the other. I stared at him for several moments, trying to find any kind of connection between us. I must have looked absolutely nuts just staring at the kid. I looked over at Casey who was watching me with a strange look on her face. Suddenly, it hit me like a ton of bricks. This kid could actually be mine. But why would she hide it from me? No, I had to be wrong, I had to be making this up in my head.
Immediately, panic rushed through my chest and I set my coffee down, standing up quickly and accidentally knocking over the chair in the process. Everyone looked over at me in confusion and Casey took a step forward, panic on her face. I picked up the chair and laughed nervously. I looked around at Casey’s mom and then back down at the handsome little boy sitting in front of me. I didn’t want to freak anyone out so I took a deep breath and cleared my throat.
“So, I just realized I have a big project tomorrow that I am in no way prepared for,” I said, knowing it was a terrible lie. “Thank you so much for the coffee.”
I handed Casey the cup and moved quickly through the kitchen and out to the door. I put my coat and gloves on and looked up as Casey stood stunned and confused in the hallway. I flashed her a fake smile and grabbed the doorknob, pulling hard until I realized it was still locked. Casey walked over and unlocked it, pulling it open and staring at me. I looked at her for a moment, wanting to say something, anything, but I couldn’t. I walked out of the door and down the steps, bursting out into the cold morning air. I closed the door behind me and took in a deep breath, not sure where to go from there. I looked down at my driver who was holding the door open, so I pulled my coat closed and jumped in the car.
A thousand thoughts flew through my mind on the drive home. Seth was four years old, I had slept with Casey five years ago, meaning there was a very good chance that Seth could be mine. I shook my head and chuckled darkly. Casey would have told me if I had a child floating around out there somewhere. If not Casey, surely my sister Natalie would have let me know immediately. Part of me wanted to call Natalie but I knew she was still on her honeymoon and I didn’t want to ruin that with drama, especially if I just overthinking things. The drawings had to be a coincidence, lots of kids like buildings and drawing.
When we pulled up in front of my complex, I got out and went straight upstairs, tossed my coat on the rack, and grabbed a beer from the fridge. I was definitely more than a little spooked at the thought of Seth being my child. I wasn’t ready to be a father, even if it meant raising an amazing little boy with such a wonderful woman like Casey. I had a huge career and a lot of responsibilities and I purposely didn’t settle down because I needed my space and my time to take care of those things. As I sat in the living room, sipping my beer and staring out at the city, I could feel myself distancing from Casey and the whole situation.
I set the bottle down on the coffee table and walked into my bedroom, pulling out several suits and my suitcase. Without thinking, as if I was being controlled like a robot, I unpacked my dresser and repacked my bags. This was all too much for me and I pushed it deep down, determined to clear my mind. I got too caught up in everything with Casey and that needed to stop right now. It was time. It didn’t matter that I still had time left before my next trip. It didn’t matter that I’d grown to truly care for Casey and Seth. Nothing mattered more than my desire to bolt. I had to get out of town as fast as possible.
Chapter 12: Casey
I stared down at the turkey baster on the counter, feeling my headache coming back with a vengeance. It had been over a month since I last talked to Dex. It had been over a month since he stared at Seth and then jumped away from the table, bolting from the house like he was on fire. Part of me already knew what he was thinking, he wasn’t a stupid man. The other part of me wondered if I was overthinking it and it was just what I always knew would happen. That night had been amazing, revealing, and emotional for both of us. We left his penthouse on cloud nine, floating through a haze of emotion and attraction. My heart had never been so full, nor did I think it would ever reach that point again. As we rode through the streets of New York City on our way to Brooklyn, I felt safe and whole in a way I hadn’t before.
Since then, I went through the stages of grief like someone who lost a close relative or friend. I was in denial that Dex could just up and abandon me like that without a single word, especially if he figured out that Seth was his son. I was angry that he allowed me to get my hopes up. He strung me along, took my family for a special day at the pumpkin patch, and made love to me in his own bed. He held me all night, not letting me get even an inch away from him. He got my hopes up that he was really starting to see us as a couple and not just two lustful teenagers who banged whenever he happened to be in town. I was in despair and that broken heart kept me awake for many nights after he left. I told myself to prepare for the broken heart but after that last night in his apartment, I gave up and actually thought there was no reason
to prepare. I let myself believe he would stick around this time. I was so stupid.
I looked over at my mother as she pulled the turkey from the oven and smiled kindly at me. She knew what was going on, even if I didn’t tell her. After Dex disappeared, she had purposely taken Seth out for several days, letting me sleep and be alone in my grief. I breathed deeply, trying to get the constant lump in my throat to disappear. I looked up as a knock on the door echoed through the house. I opened the door to find my best friend and her new husband standing cheerily on my doorstep. She was holding a bottle of wine with a tan that her matched her husband’s. For a second, I almost forgot how sad I felt, happy to have my best friend back to spend the holidays with. I hugged Natalie hard and long, knowing she was going to feel the pain in my chest.
“You guys look so amazing,” I said with excitement. “How was your trip?!”
“Girl, it was so beautiful,” Natalie said, taking me by the arm and walking toward the kitchen. “The water was blue, the skies were clear, and the little coconut drinks were plentiful.”
As soon as Natalie saw my mom, she squealed and ran over to give her a big hug. She then turned to Seth and picked him up her arms, blowing raspberries on his neck. His loud giggle and the smell of Thanksgiving dinner calmed my soul and almost brought me to tears. Everything had been so tense and quiet in the house since Dex disappeared. Without my mother hounding me about my emotions, I had become complacent with my feelings. But now, with so much family around, I could easily put Dex out of my mind, even if it were just for a little while.
Natalie grabbed me by the arm and pulled me into the living room where we plopped down on the couch. She poured two glasses of white wine and sat back, looking at the decorations. She always loved how we decorated, she said it made her feel like she was home again. She took a sip of her wine and looked at me knowingly. I didn’t want to get into it, I just wanted to enjoy Thanksgiving.
“He knows, doesn’t he?”
“I just want to enjoy Thanksgiving.” I sighed. “It’s been really stressful since he bolted. I think he has an idea but I haven’t told him yet.”
“Are you going to?”
“I don’t know,” I said, looking down. “Maybe if he ever shows up again. The look on his face when he left was knowing but he didn’t ask and after that, I didn’t hear from him again. I’m pretty sure he left on his trip. I don’t want him here if he doesn’t want to be, Natalie. I want him to be here if he can commit. He really started opening Seth up and it breaks my heart because Seth still asks where Dex is and I don’t know what to tell him.”
“I’m sorry,” Natalie said with a sad look. “I’m sorry he is being like this. But if I know Dex, it’s not that he is shunning you. If he really thinks Seth is his he is probably completely blown. He doesn’t have a clue as what to do.”
“So was I,” I replied, slightly irritated. “But I didn’t have a choice.”
“I know,” she said sheepishly. “I’m sorry.”
“Look,” I said, lowering my voice. “I’m just so glad you’re back. Let’s enjoy tonight, put Dex on the back burner, and we can talk all about it tomorrow.”
“Okay.” She smiled. “I want you to enjoy the holidays.”
I leaned forward and hugged Natalie, finally taking a deep breath and letting Thanksgiving take over. As I put my glass down on the table, ready to hear more vacation stories, a loud knock came from the door. Immediately, my stomach dropped and Natalie must have seen it because she reached out and grabbed my hand. I got off the couch and slowly walked toward the door. As I opened it, my fears were confirmed. I stood with my heart pounding in my chest, staring at Dex. He was struggling to hold a cornucopia with a ton of candy, gifts, and baked goods in it. He smiled calmly at me as he stepped forward through the door. Part of me wanted to trip him, the other part of me wanted to tell him to get the hell out, and yet another part wanted to kiss him and welcome him back.
We stood there for several moments not saying a word, just staring at each other. I didn’t know what to do, especially with Natalie and Brandon there. Plus, Seth was in the other room. It would have been horrible of me to tell him to leave, no one would have understood. But at the same time, I didn’t know if I could spend the entire night with him. It was so confusing. However, as I went to say how I felt, Brandon walked out of the kitchen and warmly welcomed Dex. He patted him on the shoulder and took the cornucopia from him.
“Happy Thanksgiving, brother,” Brandon said. “Come on, let’s get this down and get our grub on.”
“Thanks, man,” Dex said, glancing over at me with a smile. “It was a long flight to get back here for today.”
I sighed and followed them toward the sound of Seth laughing and giggling. I wasn’t going to get a choice in this matter, though I wasn’t mad at Brandon since he had no idea. During dinner, I tried to focus my attention on Natalie and Brandon, listening to their honeymoon stories and laughing at their mishaps. I could tell Dex wanted to talk to me but I wasn’t sure I could handle a conversation with him. I was no longer worried that I couldn’t control myself around him sexually, I was now worried I wouldn’t be able to hold back my temper and disappointment. I think he knew that since he didn’t make any direct attempts to talk to me. Instead, he directed his questions to the group. I just shook my head and looked down at my plate, not answering him directly either. I also couldn’t help but notice him glancing over at Seth from time to time, a confused look flashing across his face.
When dinner was over, I excused myself to the kitchen, helping put away the leftovers and get the dishes soaking in the sink. It didn’t take long for Dex to wander in, drinking a glass of wine and chatting up my mother about how she was doing. As always, my mother was polite and courteous, always finding that she really liked Dex.
“Okay kids,” my mom said as she placed the last dish into the bag. “I’m going to run these over to the mission.”
“I’ll do it,” I said quickly, knowing Natalie wouldn’t stay much longer. She would want to give me a chance to talk to Dex but I wasn’t sure I was ready for that.
“I’ll go with her,” Dex said, putting down his glass of wine and grabbing a bag of food to carry.
“Oh, good,” my mom said with a smile. “Casey knows where the place is and just ask for Debbie when you get there.”
“I really can do this alone.” I grumbled as Dex helped pick up the bags. For a moment, my breath got caught in my throat as our hands touched. I quickly shook the feeling away and walked toward the door.
Dex held the door as I walked out, ignoring Natalie’s wink and smirk from the couch. There was absolutely nothing to wink and smirk about, this was very uncomfortable. We made our way down to the mission in silence, both of us feeling like we wanted to say something but remaining silent. We kept glancing at each other awkwardly, then looked away quickly before the other could see. Part of me wanted to hear what he had to say, why he bolted and what his excuse this time was going to be, but the other part of me knew exactly what he wanted to talk about. I forced a smile when I dropped off the food, not even thinking to introduce Dex. He set the bags in the mission’s kitchen and wished the woman a Happy Thanksgiving.
On the way back, there were so many things running through my mind that I couldn’t even think straight. Dex was not his normal carefree self and instead looked like he was deep in thought. I tried to pick up the pace so we wouldn’t have a chance to talk before getting back to the apartment but he kept pace with me, our hands momentarily brushing against each other. I walked forward across the street, not waiting for Dex since there was a car coming up the street. I stepped up onto the curb and reached out for the railing but I felt Dex’s arm grab mine. He slowly spun me around to face him, a serious look on his face.
Immediately, my heart started pounding so loudly I could hear it in my ears. We were standing incredibly close on the steps of the apartment but I didn’t feel loved, attracted, or wanted. Instead, I felt fearful that my secret
was going to get out. I was afraid that Dex was going to tell me he knew that Seth was his.
“I’m just going to cut right to it,” Dex said with a deep breath. “Who is Seth’s father?”
I looked up at him, knowing I couldn’t keep the secret any longer. I took a deep breath and finally said it:
“You, Dex. You’re Seth’s father.”
Chapter 13: Dex
“You, Dex,” she said with certainty and guilt. “You’re Seth’s father.”
The words surged through my head like fire and I stepped back, feeling my whole world spinning under my feet. I had that suspicion, which was why I took off and headed to South America. I had to clear my head, understand what I was telling myself. In the end though, I really thought she would say someone else. I never thought someone would hide this kind of thing from me. Seth was almost five years old now and I missed out on all that time.
Immediately, my mind went to my own father and all the time we spent together while I was growing up. Sure, my father worked a lot but he was an extremely important part of my life, especially as a young boy. Seth liked to draw buildings just like me, he held his pencil just like me, and he laughed loudly just like I did. I was so confused, I had so much to offer but at the same time had no idea how I was going to do so. All this time Seth could have been learning, understanding, and growing with me there to help. Instead, I was flying all over the world and dreaming of one-night stands with his mother. In the end though, none of this was my fault. I never knew Seth was my child. I hadn’t even thought about it until that day after the pumpkin patch. God, the pumpkin patch. I carried that child around on my shoulders, cuddled with him, and really learned who he was without knowing that he was mine. I had a son, a four-year-old child. He was mine and Casey kept him from me. She never even told me the truth. Not once in all these years.