But it wasn’t as easy as just staying at the office. Anna was pretty much running everything now, and she kept reminding me that she didn’t need me going over every last detail. After her fifth glare, I finally left the office. I noticed she left right after me. I drove home and with every mile I felt a little more like I was returning to hell. When I pulled into the driveway, I just sat in my truck for a good ten minutes, trying to will myself to go inside.
Sighing, I grabbed my stuff and headed inside. Kat’s mom was at the kitchen table, a cup of tea in her hands. When she saw me, there was a sad resignation in her eyes.
“How’s Kat?”
“Sleeping.”
“Did she get up today?”
Her mom shook her head. “I could barely get her to eat anything. I was going to have her take a shower, but I knew I couldn’t do it myself.”
“Why?”
“She’s too weak. I’m not sure if it’s from the delivery or if…if she just doesn’t have it in her. I can’t hold her up in the shower.”
Shit. Now I felt like crap that I had been gone all day and her mother was having to deal with this. I knew she didn’t mind taking care of her daughter, but she wouldn’t be able to stay here forever. Besides, it wasn’t her job to take care of her anymore. That was my job, and I was failing at it. “I’ll take care of it.”
“I’m going to head back to the hotel for the night. I’ll be here in the morning bright and early.”
“You can stay here,” I reminded her.
“I know, but you two need this time together. And Katherine doesn’t need me hovering over her night and day.”
I wasn’t so sure about that. From what I had seen, that was exactly what Kat needed. I said goodbye and headed upstairs to see Kat. If she wasn’t asleep, I was going to have her take a shower. If she was, it would have to wait until morning.
“Kat?”
She didn’t respond, but that didn’t mean much. She had barely spoken since she had been home. The most I heard out of her was when she was yelling at the funeral. I walked further into the room and bent down in front of her. She looked peaceful as she slept. Her face wasn’t sad and she didn’t look defeated, but I knew that would all change the moment she woke up. I kissed her on her forehead and went into the bathroom to take a shower. When I came out, she was still asleep, but she had rolled over to my side of the bed. I slipped under the covers and pulled her in close to me. This was the first time since the night we came home from the hospital that she was laying on my chest. It felt right to have her with me again, to have her body draped over mine. It only took a few minutes for me to fall asleep.
When I woke in the morning, Kat was staring up at the ceiling as she laid on her back. I watched her for a few minutes, but she showed no signs of recognizing that I was in bed with her. She was just blank.
“Kat.”
I got no response.
“Kat.”
Still nothing. I shifted closer to her and gently tilted her face until she was looking at me. She blinked, but her facial expression didn’t change.
“How about we take a shower?”
“I’m tired,” she said quietly. She returned to staring at the ceiling. I almost let it go, but then I thought of her mom, being stuck here with her all day and not able to get her to do anything. I had to do my part to try and pull Kat out of this state.
“I know you are, baby, but you have to get cleaned up. I’ll help you, okay?”
She didn’t respond. I got out of bed and pulled back the covers, sighing when I saw that she had bled through her pad and it was all over the bed. Thank God I had a water-proof mattress pad. I lifted her in my arms, but she was like dead weight. She didn’t try to wrap her arms around me or even lean her head against my chest. I brought her into the bathroom and set her down in the shower, stripping her nightgown over her head. It was covered in blood, but I couldn’t deal with that right now. I tossed it onto the bed and turned on the shower, then stripped my own clothes.
“Kat, I need you to hold yourself up.” She ignored me, or maybe she didn’t hear me. I wasn’t sure which it was. I bent down and forced her to look at me again. “Kat, listen to me. I need you to help me out here. I’ll get you cleaned up, but I need you to hold yourself up, okay?”
She finally looked at me, like it finally clicked with her that someone was there with her, talking to her. She nodded gripped the shower bar with a shaky hand while I got to work. After cleaning her up, I knew that I didn’t have time to shower myself. Her legs were shaking bad, so I got out and wrapped her in a towel. After wrapping a towel around myself, I grabbed a pair of pants for her and a t-shirt, along with some underwear. As I dressed her, I heard her shaky breaths, like getting dressed was too much of a struggle for her.
I still had to make the bed and there was no way I was letting her stay in bed all day today. She needed to start getting up and moving around, even if her body and her mind were telling her not to. Just as I was bringing her downstairs her mom walked through the door. She looked happy to see her downstairs, but when I shook my head, her smile dropped. I set her down on the couch and knelt down in front of her, once again bringing her face to meet my gaze.
“Kat, I have to go into work, but your mom is here, okay?”
She just stared at me. I couldn’t stand to see that blank expression. She could see me, I knew she could, but it was like she was looking right through me, as if my voice was just some distant sound.
“Kat, I know you’re hurting, but you can’t do this to yourself. You need to try and do something today. Anything. Sit with your mom and watch TV or talk to her as she makes breakfast. Can you do that?”
She nodded slightly.
“Good. And I need you to eat something for me. Can you do that?”
She nodded again and then leaned back against the couch, like she was too exhausted to do anything else. I sighed and met her mother in the kitchen.
“She doesn’t look any better today,” her mom said worriedly.
“She’s not. She just stares off at nothing. She was wide awake this morning, just staring at the ceiling. When I went to get her up for a shower, I noticed that she had bled through her pad. It’s all over the bed. I have no idea how long ago that happened. I don’t know if she doesn’t care or if she just can’t deal with it.” I ran my hand over my jaw and sighed. “I have to go clean up the bedroom and get to work.”
“I’ll take care of it. Where are the spare sheets?”
“In the hall closet. Thank you.”
“Maybe she’ll be better now that she’s not in bed.”
“God, I hope so. I don’t know how to get through to her.”
“Maybe she just needs some time,” her mother said hopefully.
“Yeah, maybe.”
I hoped she was right, but I had a feeling that if I didn’t pull Kat out of this soon, I wouldn’t ever be able to reach her.
Katherine
“Honey? Chrissy is here to see you.”
I stared off into space from my spot on the couch. I heard her. I knew that I had to sit up and participate. I just didn’t want to. I saw her walk in front of me and I gave a smile, though it was really only for her benefit. I had nothing to smile about.
“How are you feeling?”
“Fine, for the most part.”
And I was fine. My body was healing and I didn’t really hurt anymore, but the ache in my chest was devastating. I hadn’t cried since the funeral and I wasn’t sure I would ever cry again. There was nothing left in me. My mind flashed back to the funeral, seeing my baby girl being lowered into the ground. I think that was the moment that I knew I just didn’t have it in me to feel anything. That was the absolute worst thing that could ever happen to me. Nothing would ever be as painful as that. So, I shut down and refused to acknowledge anything except the very basics. I knew my mom was worried about me. I heard her whispering with Eric, asking him to do something to pull me out of this blank state. It was almost funny
to think that they thought they could fix me.
It didn’t escape my notice that Eric seemed to be just fine. He was kind and gentle with me, but aside from me being an annoyance to him, he seemed to function fine. He went into work every day and carried on conversations with his brothers. I heard him on the phone talking with his parents. He said he was doing fine. He appeared fine, so why wasn’t I? Why couldn’t I just brush this off like he did?
Chrissy’s hand touched mine and I looked down at her perfectly manicured fingers on top of my own. I raised my gaze to meet hers and realized that she had been speaking to me all this time. I was just staring off into space like I always did.
“Sorry,” I mumbled, though I wasn’t really sorry. It was irritating to sit here and pretend that I was okay. I hated trying to hold a conversation with someone when the grief was still so strong that the thought of idle chit chat made me want to scream.
“How’s everything at work? Is Charlene bitching because I’m not back?”
“No, she’s actually been pretty understanding about it.”
I nodded, thinking about how I was supposed to return to work after having time off after the baby was born. She probably would have been pissed at me for taking such a long maternity leave, but somehow losing a baby made people feel they had to be nicer. Would she be nice to me when I finally went back or would she be her same bitchy self? I almost preferred the latter. I wasn’t sure if I could take my boss, the woman that hated everyone, to be nice to me.
“How’s Eric?”
My eyes flicked up to hers and I realized that yet again, I had missed more of the conversation.
“I’m sorry, I…” I stood without saying anything else and walked out of the room. I didn’t have it in me to talk to anyone. It was hard enough having my mom here all the time, but visitors were too much. And I was sure that any day now, I would have half the town descending on me. I walked upstairs and shut the door behind me once I got in my room. Sighing, I laid down on my bed and stared at the ceiling. When would the pain pass? When would I feel like I could function on some level again?
The door opened and my mom walked in, sitting on the edge of the bed. “Chrissy left.”
I didn’t say anything.
“She wasn’t upset. She said she understood that you needed space.”
Was that really all it was? Did I only need space?
“Honey, I know you don’t want to, but you need to start doing more around here. You’re drowning in your own grief. Maybe getting up and doing small things will help.”
“Eric said the same thing.”
“He’s right. You need to start living.”
I didn’t want to start living. I didn’t want to get up and do stuff. I just wanted to be numb to everything. But the only way I was going to get everyone off my back was to actually do what they asked.
“I’ll try.”
Eric
It took me twenty-five minutes to leave the office after I stepped onto the sidewalk. Everyone that passed had some kind of condolences to share with me. I gritted my teeth and listened, even though I really wanted to tell them all to fuck off. Didn’t they know I didn’t want to talk about it? Did they want to see me have a breakdown? Was that the goal?
I got in my truck and headed back home, praying that something was different tonight. I was reaching my limit with Kat’s comatose state. I didn’t know what to do for her, and I wasn’t sure that anything I was saying was helpful at all. It seemed like every time I talked to her, she was off on another planet.
Even my brothers were mysteriously absent around the house. As much as they annoyed the fuck out of me, right now I would give anything for them to be there, just to fill the silence. When Kat’s mom left at the end of every day, it was just me sitting with Kat, wishing I could say something to help her. I tried to get her to watch TV, thinking I might be able to distract her even for a half hour. But she just stared at the TV. I knew she wasn’t really seeing it. I tried to tell her about my day, but again, she just stared off into space. Her responses were short when she was listening, and I could tell that she was only putting forth half the effort.
I trudged up the stairs to my house. Every day, I hated coming back here a little more. I hated sitting alone with Kat. I hated walking past the baby’s room every night. I hated the dreams I had about our baby. The worst ones were the ones where she lived. Because when I woke up, the pain was twice as bad.
When I walked in, I knew today was going to be the same as every other night. I set my keys down and took off my boots, then walked over to the counter where Kat’s mom had set my dinner. I ate as if it was the most delicious meal in the world, but in reality, I never tasted anything. It was all an act. My whole world was one large show I was putting on to pretend that I was okay.
“How was your day?” Kat’s mom asked as she walked into the kitchen.
“Good. I got a couple new jobs. They’re going to keep me busy for a while.”
“That’s good,” she smiled. She glanced into the living room and sighed. “I wish I could find something for Katherine to do. Something to distract her.”
“Did she do anything today?”
“She made dinner.”
I glanced down at my plate in surprise. “Really?”
“Well, I told her that I hurt my wrist,” she whispered. “It was the only way I could see to get her to do something.”
“I’m surprised it worked.”
Her smile fell. “Well, she’s upstairs now. I think making dinner wore her out.”
I sighed and ran a hand over my face. “I don’t know what else to do for her. I feel like I’m failing at everything.”
“It’s going to take time. You can’t make her better. She has to decide that she wants to get better.”
“There’s this total disconnect with us. It’s like we’re strangers living in the same house.”
“She’s like that with everyone. We just have to give her more time. Keep pushing her to do things. Eventually, she’ll get into some kind of routine. It may take a while, but eventually she’ll come back to us.”
“But will she still want me?” I asked, laying my fears out for her. “I don’t know, I’m just not sure there’s any coming back from this.”
“Don’t give up. You know she loves you. You just have to believe that your love is strong enough to get through this.”
That was the kicker of all this. I didn’t know that we were strong enough. It’s not like we were dating before she got pregnant. Everything we had built was because we were having a baby. I loved her, more than anything in this world, but I wasn’t sure she really felt the same way about me. What if she decided that she’d had enough, that we weren’t worth fighting for? Would I argue with her on that point? After everything she’d been through, I wasn’t sure I had it in me to not give her whatever she wanted, even if that included space from me. I just prayed that it didn’t come to that.
Katherine
I wasn’t sure how much time had passed. The days all blended together in one long blur. People came and went all day long. It seemed like I was never alone. Friends from town came to visit and brought me food, and of course, they always made me eat some. Some of the old ladies from town even came out for a visit, though they really only talked with Mom. I just sat there, trying to pretend that I was there. Physically, I was, but mentally, I had checked out. It was the only way that I could deal with any of this.
After Angel’s funeral, it was like my mind just shut down. The only way I could deal with the emotions running through me was to not feel them at all. I stuffed all that shit in a sack and tossed it to a very far corner of my mind. But along with that, it seemed everything had left me. I didn’t remember what happened most days, but I know that from time to time I got up and did something. One day, I helped my mom with the dishes. Another day, I folded a blanket that I had used and put it on the back of the couch. I knew it wasn’t much, but I had promised Eric that I would do somethi
ng every day.
“Honey?”
I looked up at my mom with a vacant stare, noticing that she had on her coat and had a bag next to her. She was leaving. I wasn’t sure how I felt about that. I liked that I wouldn’t have to deal with anyone constantly trying to get my attention. But I also worried that the silence would be too much to deal with.
“I have to get back home. Do you think you can handle being alone?”
I didn’t have a choice. She couldn’t just stay here and babysit me all day. And now that I knew I could do minor things, it wouldn’t be too bad. I would probably be fine.
I grabbed her hand and felt her squeeze mine. “Thank you for being here.”
Her eyes shone bright as she looked back at me. I knew that this had been hard on my mom, but she had stuck by my side the whole time, doing anything she could to help me through. But it was time for me to start doing things for myself. I didn’t want to, but I couldn’t just rely on others for the rest of my life. It wouldn’t be the same without Angel in it, but I could start off small. That was all I was ready for.
She bent down and gave me a hug. I held her tight, for the first time feeling something. I was sad she was leaving. “I’ll call you tomorrow, okay?”
“Okay.”
I heard Eric walking her out and then his heavy footsteps came back into the living room. He stared at me for a moment and I lifted my head to look at him.
“Are you going to be okay here alone during the day?”
“Yeah.”
He sat down on the couch across from me, rubbing his hands together. “Kat, I need to know that you’ll be okay here by yourself. You need to make sure you eat and shower. Can you do that?”
I felt like I was being scolded. I knew how to do all that stuff for myself. I was just sad and overwhelmed with everything that had happened. I needed time to adjust. Didn’t he see that?
“I’ll be fine.”
Maintenance Required: A small town romance (The Cortell Brothers Book 1) Page 30