“Is that why you didn’t tell anyone about your mom?”
“You know, I’ve had at least fifty calls since you outed me. Everything from words of sympathy to people offering to help me out in any way they can. Honestly, it was a relief. One of my employers heard about my situation and offered me a different position with better hours and benefits. It’ll allow me to quit my third job.”
“That’s great.”
He smiled. “Look, I know you didn’t mean any of the shit you said yesterday. I know this is a hard time for you, and everyone else in town knows that too. Apologize to Kelly, Gene, and Big Tits Linda. I’m sure they’ll all forgive you.”
“Big Tits Linda?”
“What? Did you really think that people didn’t know about her boob job? Just because it’s not discussed on Facebook doesn’t mean it hasn’t gone through the rumor mill.”
“And everyone else in the store?”
“Trust me, they’ll all know that you came to apologize. The minute you hung up with Mary this morning, I can guarantee that she spread it all through the store. It’s probably halfway around town right now. By tomorrow, nobody’s going to be talking about this.”
“So, we’re good?”
“There was never a problem, Eric.” He shook my hand and smiled. I didn’t feel better, but it was a relief that I hadn’t alienated half the town. My brother was right, they had always been there to support me. I just had to learn to accept that people wanted to help out.
Katherine
After Eric’s embarrassing debacle in the grocery store, I was pissed. It was bad enough that people were talking about us nonstop because we lost the baby. Now they were gossiping because he was a giant asshole to everyone in that store. It took several days for me to calm down and finally see that he was just frustrated. He was one the one dealing with the non stop questions while I hid out at home.
So, here I was, making dinner for him, trying to show him that I still stood by him. I was putting in more effort than I had in over a month. The pain was still just as real as the day I lost her, but at least I could function now. I had to. My parents were worried about me and I hated to see them worry.
Every day was a struggle. It wasn’t just that I had lost my child. I had lost the life I thought I was building with Eric. He was distant now, never coming too close to me. We didn’t snuggle in bed. He never kissed me, not even on the forehead. All affection had disappeared. We weren’t acting like two people that loved each other, but two people that were just existing together.
And being in this house was torture. It killed me to walk past the baby’s room. We hadn’t even gone in there since Eric closed the door sometime after we came home from the hospital. I wasn’t sure I ever would. This whole house just reminded me of everything I was supposed to have. I hated it. I wanted to burn it down, and had thought about it several times. The only thing that stopped me was that it wasn’t my house. It was Eric’s parents’ house and they had given it to him.
I rubbed my hand across my forehead, my hand shaking slightly. I was losing it, thinking of burning down houses. Eric would have me committed if he knew those thoughts had crossed my mind. I heard his truck pull in and swiped at my face, making sure that I appeared normal. I needed to make an effort for him. It wasn’t much, but it was better than I had been.
Eric walked in the door and tossed his keys on the counter. I stood at the stove, my apron tied around me as I put the finishing touches on dinner. When Eric glanced up, his eyes widened in surprise.
“Hey,” he said quietly.
“Hey.”
He didn’t comment on the fact that I was cooking for him. I had done it in the past, but I was making a real meal with all the fixings. And I was dressed in real clothes, not pajamas or sweats. I had even somewhat done my hair. I was trying to put in the effort here.
“You look nice.”
“Thank you.”
The awkward silence was too much, so I broke eye contact and finished with dinner. Eric got out plates and glasses, then the silverware. It was like it had been before, except he wasn’t as affectionate as he used to be. Maybe he didn’t know how to, or maybe he just didn’t feel that way.
I put the dish on the table between us and sat down. “How was your day?”
“Good,” he said, dishing out some food onto my plate before moving to his own. “Lots of work coming in. Thank God, Robert found Anna for me. She’s been whipping the whole place into shape. I’d be lost without her.”
It shouldn’t bother me that he would be lost without his office manager, but after weeks of feeling desperately alone, it hit me hard. I took a deep breath and picked up my fork. Each movement was forced, but this was what people did after a loss. They pushed through and moved on.
“Is Joe still working with you?”
“Yeah. He’s actually a natural, but I’m thinking of telling him to go back to his job.”
“Why?”
“Because it’s not what he wants to do. He’s trying to save up for a tattoo parlor, and instead he’s hovering around me.”
I nodded, wondering if I would ever want to go back to work. Would he expect me to? “I’m not sure I can go back to working at the hospital,” I said tentatively.
“Do you know what else you would want to do?”
I huffed out a laugh. “I just got dressed today and made dinner. Work plans seem like such a big decision.”
“You could always join a private practice.”
I cleared my throat. Thinking that far in the future was intimidating. I was barely putting one foot in front of the other. What made him think I was ready to switch jobs and just pick up life?
“I was thinking maybe we should go out this weekend.”
My head snapped up. “What?”
“It’ll be good for you to get out of the house. We could get dinner and go dancing. It might cheer you up.”
I couldn’t believe it. Was it really that simple for him? Just go out and get some dinner and suddenly everything’s better? Maybe that’s the way it was for guys, but for me? Just the thought of mingling with other people when I felt so broken made my skin break out in hives. That was my child. I carried her for eight months. I just lost her a month ago, and he wanted me to go out and put a smile on my face.
I put my fork down and pushed back from the table. When I walked past him, he grabbed my hand. “Kat-“
I jerked out of his grasp, my eyes filling with tears. “Is it really that easy for you? Go out to dinner and just forget what happened?”
“Kat, I’m not suggesting that dinner will make this better, but-“
“No. No buts, Eric. You don’t get it. I had my little girl for eight months and then she was ripped from me. I had to deliver our dead child and then bury her in the ground. So, no. After a month, I’m not ready to just go out and get some dinner and go dancing.”
“You can’t just hide in the house all day. Can’t you see that this isn’t helping?”
“I can see that you’re not helping,” I shot back.
He stiffened and slowly set down his fork. “What exactly do you want from me, Kat? If you think that I don’t feel the pain of losing our child, you’re wrong. But I can’t just sit around all day. I need to do something. I can’t just drown in my misery like you are.”
“I’m not drowning in my misery! I’m hurting. I feel dead inside. Don’t you get it? There’s nothing left inside me to give. I wish I could go out with you and have it how it used to be, but I just can’t. I can’t give you what you need. I don’t want to have sex. I don’t want to kiss. I can’t even stand to look at you because it’s a reminder of what we had.”
He stared at me warily. “What’s that supposed to mean? You don’t want to be with me?”
Tears slipped down my face and struggled to think of what I was trying to say, but I was a mess. I wasn’t sure what I wanted. “I don’t know what I want. I just know that pushing me to be something I may never be isn’t going to h
elp.”
He pushed back his chair and stood, taking hold of my hand. “Then tell me this, Kat. Do you still want to be with me, or did we lose everything when we lost Angel?”
“I don’t know,” I whispered.
It was true. I just didn’t know which way was up anymore. Maybe what I really needed was to just be free of any reminders of Angel. Being here in this house, where I was supposed to raise my daughter, was just too painful. To walk past her room every day and know that she wasn’t in there made me want to cry every single time. But, the biggest reminder was Eric. I loved this man, but I felt like I had failed. I was supposed to be able to have kids, but I hadn’t protected my child. She died inside me. How could Eric ever look at me the way he used to? I couldn’t even contemplate having kids in the future, and Eric wanted a family. Maybe this was never meant to be. Maybe it would be better if we weren’t together. Eric wouldn’t have to worry about me every day, and I could maybe move on if I wasn’t in this house.
He stepped back from me and shoved his hands in his pockets. He looked defeated and I hated that I was doing that to him, but I didn’t know how to move on. Maybe this was the only way. Maybe I needed to get away from him so I could heal myself.
“Eric-“
“It’s fine, Kat. I get it.”
“You do?”
He shrugged slightly, looking away. “You need more time.”
“I need more than time.”
He slowly turned back to face me, his eyes filled with trepidation. “What are you saying?”
“I think...I think I need to get my own place.”
He stared at me in shock, his beautiful eyes filled with confusion. “What? I thought you just needed more time. Now you’re moving out?”
“Maybe it’s for the best. I mean, we wouldn’t have been together if it weren’t for the baby. Look at how long it took us to even be civil to each other.”
“Kat, that was then. I love you. Do you still love me?”
My eyes dropped to the floor. I couldn’t look at him. I couldn’t bear to see the heartbreak on his face. But I couldn’t stay here either. “It’s not about love. I can’t be here. I can’t walk past her room every day and know she’s not in there.”
“So, we’ll get rid of the stuff.”
“And you think that’ll just magically make everything better?” I asked wearily.
“It’s better than you walking away.”
“It’s not just about the house, Eric. We’re not the same. This would never have worked between us if we didn’t have Angel. Now she’s gone. There’s nothing holding us together.”
He clenched his jaw. “So, that’s it. Our daughter is gone and you don’t want to be with me now.”
“It’s not about what I want. It’s about what I need.”
“And that’s to be away from me.”
I didn’t say anything. I didn’t want to be away from him. I just didn’t want to feel this pain every time I looked at him. I wanted to go back a year and do things differently. I knew that wasn’t possible, but something had to change, and this was the only way I could see to stop the constant bleeding.
When I looked up at him, he no longer looked like the man that loved me. He looked like the man that I had just crushed. I didn’t want to do this, but I didn’t know how else to move forward.
He nodded slightly, his whole body stiffening. “I’ll help you find someplace to stay.”
Eric
I loaded up the last of Katherine’s things into the back of my pickup truck and slammed the tailgate. She was inside looking for anything she might have left behind. I leaned against the tailgate, taking a deep breath. I couldn’t believe this was happening. The woman I loved was leaving me. And the worst part was, I hadn’t fought for her to stay. I didn’t know how to. When she looked at me with tears in her eyes and told me that this was what she needed, I just couldn’t argue with her. She had been through enough. She didn’t need me making this harder on her. But the thought of losing her was like losing Angel all over again.
“Are you ready?” she asked hesitantly.
“Yeah,” I said, glad that my voice didn’t crack. I was anything but ready for this. I knew the last month and a half had been hard, but I didn’t expect this. Now I would have to go to bed every night alone. Even though we hadn’t slept wrapped in each other’s arms since we lost Angel, I had been comforted by the fact that she was there. I didn’t feel so alone. As much as I hated being home because I didn’t know how to help Kat, at night, I could lay beside her and pretend that things would be okay. Now, that was all gone. Maybe I should have done things differently. Maybe then she wouldn’t be leaving me. But I couldn’t change the past, and I didn’t know how to make her want to be with me.
I got into the truck and drove her into town. She had found another townhouse for sale. So, even though she was leaving me, I put a damn deposit down on it and made sure that everything was ready for her. It didn’t take too much to have the real estate agent work with me. It turns out, the people in this town really did care about us. Angie, the agent, said that she was sorry that it had come to this, and she would do whatever it took to take care of things swiftly. She had come through a little too quickly for me.
I pulled up to the townhouse and shut off the engine. Glancing out the passenger window, I looked at the cold exterior and sighed. I started unloading the truck as she walked up the steps and unlocked the door. I carried up the first box, but practically ran into her because she had stopped in the doorway. She was staring at the living room, but then turned to me in confusion.
“How did all this furniture get here?”
“I had it delivered yesterday.”
“But I didn’t order it.”
I sighed and set down the box. “Kat, you can’t live here without any furniture. I know it’s not a lot, but I got what I could for you.”
Her brows furrowed. “But…how did you afford all this? I mean, the deposit and now the furniture?”
I didn’t answer. It didn’t really matter. She needed a place to stay and she had to have at least a little bit of furniture.
“Eric, please tell me you didn’t charge all of this.”
“No, I…I told the investigator looking into Josh’s disappearance to take a few months off.”
Tears filled her eyes and she covered her mouth with her hand. “You shouldn’t have done that for me.”
“Kat, I’ve been chasing answers for years and I still don’t have anything more than the day he disappeared. Taking a few months off won’t change that.” Her eyes slipped closed, so I hurried on, hoping that it would soften what I told her. “Look, not all of it is new. Mrs. Jenkins is moving in with her son. She gave me her kitchen table. And the coffee table and end tables came from the mayor. He and his wife were getting new furniture, so they sold this to me for cheap. But the bed and the couch are new. I wouldn’t sleep or sit on used furniture if I didn’t have to.”
She shoved her hands in her back pockets and stared at the ground. I wasn’t trying to make her feel bad. I just hoped that when she moved in, she would feel a little more comfortable.
“Hey,” I said, stepping forward and running my hand up her arm. “I’m just trying to help out.”
She swiped at some tears on her face, clearing her throat. “It doesn’t seem right to say thank you. After everything that’s happened, that just…”
“I wanted to do this, so stop feeling like you don’t deserve this.”
“I’ll pay you back for all this, once I start working again.”
“I don’t expect you to pay me back. I just want to make sure that you’re okay.” She nodded and I picked up the box. “So, tell me where to put everything.”
Over the course of the next hour, I unloaded the truck and put everything where she wanted it. I thought about staying to help her unpack it all, but there was something about setting up your own house that felt intimate. And since this wasn’t my house, and I had no relationship w
ith her, it felt like overstepping to stay any longer.
I walked to the door, each step feeling like a death sentence for me. After this, there was no going back. I would officially be on my own again. And I was letting it happen.
Turning back to her, I shoved my hands in my pockets, but I couldn’t look at her. “If you ever need anything, don’t hesitate to call me.”
“I have to do this on my own,” she said quietly.
I nodded, then stepped forward and pulled her into my arms. I wanted to kiss her. Hell, I couldn’t remember the last time that I had tasted those sweet lips. I pressed my lips to her forehead and then turned and walked out the door.
Walking into my house, the first thing I noticed was the silence. Even when Kat had been laid up in bed, I always knew she was here. But now, the silence was deafening. My brothers had been mysteriously absent for weeks, only showing up sporadically. I was all alone again. I gripped the back of the kitchen chair and squeezed my fingers around the wood.
The sadness of the situation was replaced with a burning rage. How much more was I supposed to give? I had done everything the way I was supposed to. I took care of Kat. I supported her throughout the pregnancy. I fell in love with her. And then it was all ripped away from me.
I flung the chair across the kitchen as I yelled out. The chair smashed against the wall and the leg snapped off. It clattered to the floor in a heap and I stared at it for a moment. Deciding that it felt pretty good to be the one to lose it, I moved onto the next chair and threw that across the room also. This one smashed into the kitchen cabinets. I moved on and threw the next one, which smashed right through the window, coming to rest half in and half out of the window.
Maintenance Required: A small town romance (The Cortell Brothers Book 1) Page 32