by Holly Jacobs
“More than that. She’s pushing for a quick divorce. She’ll be my ex-wife soon.”
“I’m sorry.”
“So am I. It’s been a long time coming, and I know it’s for the best, but still, I’m sorry.” He shook off the deep morose that threatened to overwhelm him as he thought about the failure his marriage to Lisa had been. “Let’s go get that ice cream. Tonight, we’re not worrying about your mother, or my messed-up life, and we’ll concentrate on our daughter. About making her happy.”
“Deal. Let’s go. Bet you’re getting a chocolate milkshake, and I’m going to let you buy me a—”
“Banana split.” At her surprised expression, he added, “I might have been gone a long time, but there are some things you don’t forget.”
What he didn’t add was that where Hayden was concerned, there was nothing he’d forgotten.
Nothing.
Brian wasn’t sure why he’d been thinking so much about when he’d first moved back home from California. Maybe he was remembering it because it had been such a happy time. He needed to cling to those memories in order to deal with everything that was happening in the here-and-now.
He peeked into the room Hayden had set up for his mother. Hayden was curled up in the recliner, staring out the window, lost in thought. His mom was sleeping and looked peaceful.
Hayden must have heard him come in. Their eyes met. She placed a finger to her lips, indicating he should be quiet. She rose and followed him from the room. “She’s sleeping.”
“I saw.”
“I should probably get some work done and—”
“You should get some rest yourself. Whatever else needs done will wait.”
“Don’t tell me what to do, Bri.” She bristled, just as she always had when he tried to tell her what to do—for her own good.
Hayden had never looked after herself. She’d taken care of Livie, Kathleen, him … even her own worthless mother. But never herself. It might have worked if Hayden would let him step in and care for her when it was warranted, but her stubborn pride wouldn’t allow it.
And though he wouldn’t admit it, that hurt. He wanted to care for Hayden, to ease the pain he knew she felt. The same pain they all felt.
“You’re an emotional wreck,” he said, “and it’s only going to get worse. Take some time for yourself. You’ve been so busy with Mom, with Livie. You’re ignoring your own needs and feelings in order to—”
She glared at him. “And don’t tell me how I feel. How I deal with my pain is my prerogative.”
“Are you two fighting again?”
Brian turned and found Livie standing just outside her bedroom door. At sixteen, his daughter was a beautiful woman. It killed him to acknowledge that fact, but she was, indeed, a woman now. A couple more years and she’d be off to college. “No, honey. Your mom and I weren’t fighting.”
“We’re both tired,” Hayden added.
“All you do since we moved in with Nana is fight.”
“That’s not true, Livie,” Hayden said.
Livie gave them a look of contempt, as if she knew they were lying, then went back into her room and slammed the door.
“She’s right,” Brian admitted. “I don’t want to fight with you.”
“Me, neither.” She sighed. “You were right, as well. I am tired. I’ll try to take a nap. If Marti comes back, wake me, okay? I have to talk to her about a few things.”
He nodded, leaned down and kissed her forehead. “Sweet dreams.”
She gave him a look of disbelief. “Bri, there are no good dreams right now, only this nightmare. And all we can do is live with it and make it as easy on Kathleen and Livie as we can.”
She turned and walked away. He wanted to stop her, wanted to pull her into his arms and tell her that everything would be okay, but he didn’t say anything.
That was the biggest part of their problem. When they should, neither of them spoke. And when they should be quiet, both of them spoke up, saying things that hurt, words that left scars.
He didn’t know what was going to happen when this was all over.
He didn’t think Hayden knew, either.
Chapter Eight
Three days later Brian was looking for Hayden, but found Marti instead. She was leaving his mother’s room with a tray in her hand.
“Do you know where Hayden went?” He felt galled, having to ask this woman he barely knew—who’d become such a fixture in the house—where his wife was.
“I sent her outside. Told her to get some fresh air. She needs to leave Kathleen’s room, and you need to see to it that she does when I’m not here.”
“I’ve tried. But Hayden has always done things her way.”
Marti snorted. “Well, you’ll have to try harder. Convince her that her way isn’t the only way.”
“Have you met my wife?” He smiled to let this Marti know he was teasing.
Some of her hardness faded and she grinned back. “She’s a tough nut. You’ll just have to be tougher.”
He started toward the living room when Marti added, “She went out the back door. Maybe she’s in the woods?”
It was all the help Brian needed. If Hayden had gone out back, he knew where she’d go.
She’d go to the spot she always went to when she needed privacy … his old tree house. They’d rebuilt it on one of his visits home when Livie was younger. It had been Liv’s haven. Livie, who was too old for tree houses now.
He trudged through the yard noting that the grass was spongy from the past three days of rain. It smelled of the cold wet that made him remember all the times he’d made this trek behind the house to the small copse of trees.
The trees were much bigger than they’d been when he and his mother had first moved here. But the old path between the winter-dried, thorny raspberry bushes was still there and looking freshly used. A footprint clearly outlined in the mud.
He pushed through the tangle of branches and weeds until he reached the ladder. His foot on the first rung, he stopped. He could hear her inside. Crying as if her heart was breaking.
Hayden never cried. Listening to her sobs he felt more useless, more inept than he ever had. He wanted to comfort her, but he was afraid she’d rebuff the attempt. She wouldn’t like that he was here, witnessing her despair.
Throughout her very hard life, Hayden’s pride—her constant companion, working as armor—had kept her strong. He knew that. He’d witnessed her facing her fear time and time again.
If he went up the ladder, he’d strip her of that. He wasn’t sure she’d like it.
Okay, he was positive she wouldn’t like it.
But he needed to do something for her. He wanted to lend her his support, show her his love. Even at the best of times, it would be hard to get her to lean on him, but now, with the ever-growing distance between them, he was afraid it would be impossible. But he had to try.
So, Brian started up the ladder, hoping he could find some way to bridge their rift. Remembering the night he realized he was in love with Hayden.
April 1995
The day after he’d moved home, Hayden invited him to come to her house at Livie’s bedtime. She’d given him a key to her place. “I want you to visit Livie whenever you want to. Feel free to come and go as you please.”
He’d been surprised, but he knew he shouldn’t have been. Hayden had made sure he and Livie had a strong relationship.
It had been Hayden who had suggested his nightly bedtime stories. Hayden who had prompted Livie to draw Daddy pictures, from practically the time their daughter could grip a crayon.
And it had been Hayden who’d given him a camera, which she kept at her house. “I’ll try and take pictures of everything you miss in between your visits.”
Big packs of pictures arrived each week. There were milestones like first steps, and first teeth. But there was also the minutiae. Livie lifting a shovelful of sand from her sandbox. Livie at the zoo, at the beach, in her bath.
He shook
his head. No, he shouldn’t have been surprised that Hayden had given him a key and offered to keep his nightly bedtime-story tradition alive.
He unlocked her door for the first time, let himself into her house. He could hear voices, and he followed them. He paused at Livie’s bedroom, unabashedly listening.
“He’ll be over to tell you your bedtime story soon.”
“What about when Daddy moves again?” Livie’s tired, little-girl voice asked.
Hayden replied, “Silly. Daddy might move out of Nana’s house, but he’s staying here, in Pittsburgh, with you.”
“With all of us,” Livie corrected.
“Yes, with all of us.”
Brian pushed the bedroom door open a bit wider. There was Livie, in pink pajamas he’d sent her a few weeks before he’d moved. They had Sleeping Beauty all over them. He’d known she’d love them. Livie was a princess fan.
She was under the covers, and Hayden was sitting on the edge of the bed, her attention so focused on their daughter that she hadn’t registered his presence.
“Daddy quit his ’portant job and moved home because he missed us so much,” Livie said, sounding as if she were repeating something she’d been told.
“Yes, he did.”
“Daddy’s heart couldn’t stay away anymore, right?” He could recognize Hayden’s explanations in Livie’s words.
Hayden nodded. “That’s just it. He loved you so much he couldn’t stay in California another minute.”
Livie leaned back into the pillow. “I’m glad he’s home.”
Her expression was one of total contentment.
“I am, too.”
“Do you love Daddy?”
Hayden froze at the question, and Brian found himself leaning closer, anxious to hear her answer.
Hayden spoke slowly, as if she were trying to formulate the best answer for Livie. “Of course I love your daddy. He’s my best friend. You remember the story I told you about the day I met your daddy?”
“You were on the bus and some mean boy picked on you. He hit you.”
He could see Livie’s indignation in her expression as she popped back up off the pillow.
Hayden stroked her wild red curls. “That’s right. That boy had been mean to me for a long time, but that day, your daddy was there. He told the mean boy to sit down and leave me alone.”
“My daddy’s a hero.”
The way Livie said the words, he knew this was the standard end to that particular story.
“Your daddy’s always been my hero,” Hayden said softly.
“Casey’s mommy and daddy are married and live with her. Are you and Daddy getting married?”
Hayden leaned down and kissed Livie’s forehead. “Hmm, I don’t think that’s going to happen.”
“Why? Don’t you love him?”
“Yes, I love him more than I can say. But your daddy and I are friends. Best friends. He’s here, and he’s going to try and come over most nights for your bedtime stories. And when he finds a house, you can go spend nights there. Having your daddy here will be a wonderful adventure.”
“I wish he was going to live here in our house with us, though.”
Hayden wrapped her arms around their daughter, holding her, stroking her back. It was such a tender, loving movement. Brian could remember the times his mother had done the same thing, wrapped him in her arms and held him tight.
Livie’s arms went around Hayden’s neck.
And as she hugged their daughter, Hayden finally spotted Brian in the doorway.
Her smile spread slowly, moving from her lips upward to her eyes. “Livie, turn around and look who’s here.”
Livie let go of Hayden and finally spied him, as well, and there was nothing slow about her response. “Daddy,” she cried, springing from the bed, bounding across the room and launching herself into his arms.
She smelled of soap and shampoo … of little girl.
Hayden came up behind Livie, kissed the back of her still damp head, and said, “’Night, sweetie. Daddy will tuck you in.”
Brian knew she was being kind, giving him time with Livie, but he didn’t want her to leave. He wanted her to stay and be a part of this new ritual they were forming. “Hayden, you could stay and we could put her to bed together.”
Hayden shook her head. “I wouldn’t want to intrude. This is a time for the two of you.”
“It could be a time for the three of us,” he said gently. “I’m home and we’re going to have to find new ways to do things. I know I’ve always told Livie her bedtime stories over the phone. But I’m here now, and it would be nice if we could both do this together for our daughter.”
“Mommy, stay.”
“You’re sure?” Hayden looked worried as she blatantly studied him, as if she didn’t quite believe him and she was looking for some clue about his real feelings on the matter.
She stood here, willing to back out and allow him this time alone with Livie. There was no sense of jealousy. She was simply trying to reassure herself that he’d meant his invitation to stay, that he really didn’t mind sharing this new ritual with her.
In that instant, realizing how unselfish she’d always been, he also realized that he loved her.
Not the love of a mentor, or friend.
But loved her in a true and everlasting sort of way.
He’d known he’d loved her when he’d asked her to marry him, but he’d mistaken the feeling for the love of a friend. Now he knew what a fool he’d been.
Knowing she’d fight against it and wouldn’t be prone to believe his literal change of heart, knowing he had his work cut out for him, he didn’t voice his thoughts, but savored the sensation.
Brian Conway loved Hayden MacNulty.
It was so simple. How had he missed it?
Awed by the flood of emotion, he was amazed that he sounded normal as he simply said, “Stay. Please?”
“If you’re sure.”
He nodded. He was sure.
Brian Conway loved Hayden MacNulty.
Now, what the hell was he going to do about it? He had no idea.
Six Months Later—October 1995
Hayden walked to Kathleen’s house. It didn’t matter that Hayden owned a place only two doors away, coming down this driveway, walking with the autumn leaves crunching under her feet to the four-panel front door, felt like coming home.
Kathleen hurried into the front hall, addressing Hayden in a soft conspiratorial whisper. “I need you to play along.” Her smile said whatever Hayden had to play along with probably involved Livie and would more than likely become another of the family stories they’d tell for years to come.
Thinking about her daughter eased some of the sting from last night’s long shift. Jason, a repeat patient, was back in the hospital. He was another favorite of hers.
Last night was a bad night. She’d sat with him as often as possible, between her other responsibilities. Worried about him, she’d even offered to play Mario Brothers knowing she’d be thoroughly trounced. She’d worried even more when he declined the game and had sat quietly, contentedly as she read him a story.
Thinking about Jason made her realize how lucky she was—Livie was such a happy, healthy little girl. Hayden would gladly go along with whatever new plan Kathleen had.
“Play along with what?” she asked Kathleen, feeling groggy and hoping she had enough wits about her to adopt whatever reaction and role her daughter demanded.
Kathleen didn’t have a chance to answer as Livie practically flew into the hall. “Mommy, Mommy, Nana and I made you a Halloween costume today.” Last night, Livie had spent the night at Kathleen’s while Hayden worked. Kathleen still balanced her schedule against Hayden’s, just as she’d suggested the day Hayden told her she was pregnant.
Remembering that year, Kathleen’s cancer, her pregnancy—it had been such a scary time, so full of uncertainty. But now, five years later, there was so much joy. Kathleen’s cancer was gone, Livie was growing everyday and Bri
an had moved home.
Hayden had taken Livie to kindergarten before going to bed, and Kathleen had picked her up and let Hayden sleep.
It was five now, almost time for trick-or-treating and Hayden still felt half awake. “You made a costume for me?”
“You made me a Little House on the Prairie dress,” Livie pointed out.
After months of debating what to be for Halloween, Livie had finally settled on Laura Ingalls Wilder after Brian had started the Little House series with her.
“So Nana and I made you one, but not a Little House on the Prairie one,” Livie continued. Her grin was so big it was a wonder her face didn’t crack. “You’re going to love it, Mommy. And Daddy. We made him one, too. I’ll go get yours.”
She shot out of Kathleen’s living room, and to the sewing room.
“She watched The Parent Trap today. I’m sorry—” Kathleen didn’t get any further, because Livie came charging back into the room, a mass of white material in her arms.
“Here, Mommy.” Livie thrust the garment into Hayden’s arms. “It’s just like what you wore the night you came to Nana’s. I made Daddy a biker costume, too.”
Hayden unfolded the white material, and sure enough, the holes in the sheet proclaimed it was either a ghost costume or Kathleen had a moth problem.
But it certainly wasn’t anything like Hayden’s original costume. That had been a threadworn sheet she’d taken off her own bed to use. This was a costume that had been made with love. Emotions tugged at her and she couldn’t seem to form any words.
“Do you like it?” Livie sounded nervous.
Hayden nodded as she knelt down and hugged Livie, sandwiching the sheet between them. “I love it,” she finally managed.
“Good. Daddy got home from his new job, and I made him put his on.”
Brian’s work experience in California had made finding a job in Pittsburgh so much easier. The mayor’s office had jumped at the chance to hire him, and he’d been given a special appointment to a child-welfare department.
He said it was a good position and he liked it. Hayden hoped so.
“Daddy?” Livie called.
As if on cue, there was the sound of someone walking down the stairs. “Hello, Hayden.”