by Alexis Anne
More alone than I’d ever been, which was fascinating considering my loneliness was how I wound up falling for Tony in the first place. But the problem with that was he never made my life fuller. He simply filled my empty spaces with himself. And that’s not a solution.
I had no doubt that if I hadn’t taken those first steps to freedom that the next time we fought I would have become a danger to myself.
I watched Erik pace, waiting for him to slow and look at me again. I needed that human connection. Heck, maybe I needed his love. He stopped and shot me a sweet smile that filled me with a lovely warm glow, giving me the courage to finally slay my last demons.
“The thing about abusive relationships like this . . . there’s so much psychology at work. The abuser brainwashes you into thinking you have no choices. That you’re helpless and only they can save you. I truly believed if I walked out that door I wouldn’t survive.” I started a secret bank account and started funneling money into it. I squirreled away cash. I wrote myself notes describing exactly what happened during an outburst and how I felt afterward so I couldn’t explain it away later.
“I reached out to my old college roommate just to see how she was doing. Turned out she was engaged and living in Tampa. She invited me to come visit. She said I’d love the city. It was the first time I could see myself in a new life.” I dreamt big after that. I decided that in Tampa I would become a writer. “He came home one day and blamed me for his deal going to shit. Apparently he didn’t sleep well and that was somehow my fault. I had enough money to leave, a place to go, and a bag packed. The next morning after he left for work I packed a couple more boxes and left.”
Erik finally sat beside me. “That’s it?”
“That’s it. I have not heard one word from him since.”
Erik threaded his fingers between mine. “Have you looked him up?”
“Twice. Just to make sure he was still in Texas and too busy to care about me.”
He nodded but didn’t say anything. Not for several minutes. “Thank you for trusting me with all of this.”
“Belle said it wouldn’t ruin us and that I had to do it.”
He smiled, glancing up at me. “You talked to Belle?”
“Yeah. She really wants us to be happy.” And I didn’t think it was just for her own benefit, no matter what she said. In a strange way it felt like she was supposed to be in my life, too. Like we were soul sisters or something.
“I want us to be happy, too.” He lay back on the pillow and pulled me onto his chest.
I was already happy. Thinking back over the last few years really put things in perspective. In my darkest time I dreamt up a new life, made it a goal, and now I was living it.
It was hard and oh, so scary, but worth it.
25
ERIK
They’re Going to Stare at us Like Tourists Visiting the Gorilla Exhibit at the Zoo
Three days in Detroit followed by three more in Toronto sealed our slot in the playoffs and gave us home field advantage. These last six home games were essentially just practice and preparation for what was to come—our first real shot at a title in over a decade.
So of course Eve planned a victory family dinner for Monday afternoon before the game. It was the very first time Zoe and I were attending a function with our friends as a couple.
She was nervous.
“Hey.”
My blood roared at the sight of a flustered Zoe in a sundress, clutching her purse. Her big green eyes looking to me for the answers she needed. Lucky for me her moods seemed to trigger mine and I was already in full-on caveman mode, wanting to protect her and make these doubts disappear.
I knew after last night she’d be rattled today and I considered it my personal mission to make her feel as safe as I possibly could. “Come here, Darlin’.” She moved in front of me and her skirt tickled my bare knees. “You look beautiful.”
She blushed at the compliment, something that made my dick twitch every single time. “Thank you.” Then she smiled up at me. “You ready to face the firing squad?”
“It won’t be that bad.” At least I didn’t think it would be.
“Are you kidding? All I’ve gotten this week are questions. They’re going to stare at us like tourists visiting the gorilla exhibit at the zoo.”
I had to laugh at that. “How long did it take you to come up with that one?”
“No time at all. It’s how I already feel. I had dinner with Eve and the girls on Thursday and the whole time it was Will you hold hands? Will you kiss in front of us? Will you leave together? Ugh. I hate attention.”
I took her hand. “The answer is yes to all of the above. And I’m sorry about the attention but it’s just our friends being happy for us and it won’t last long. Maybe not even all night.” I’d make sure of it.
She relaxed a little. “Then you better kiss me and get me inside before I change my mind.”
She didn’t need to ask me twice. I pulled her against my body keeping one hand on her hip while I cupped the back of her neck with the other, kissing her long and deep. Slow enough so that she could process every way I made her feel and deep enough to remind her where we were headed as soon as dinner was done.
“You sure know how to kiss,” she murmured, eyes still closed.
“You ready?” I ran my thumb over her cheek.
“As I’ll ever be. Remind me that they’re my friends and they love me.”
“Babe.” Her eyes fully opened. She loved endearments. I thought all of the nicknames in her books were just a writer thing but nope. Zoe loved the affection of babe, darlin’, gorgeous, and all the rest. “They love you way more than they love me and no matter what, they’ll be by your side. That’s how this baseball family of ours works.”
She nodded once. “Let’s go. Before I lose my nerve.”
My heart thumped harder in my chest. I wasn’t nervous like she was. Just excited. I took her hand and we walked up to the front door. We were the last two to arrive so we didn’t knock.
She surprised me by only pausing long enough for me to close the door, then it was a march to the kitchen with her in the lead. When we stepped inside I kind of expected screaming and excitement but everyone was so caught up in their own conversations no one noticed us at all. Eve and Marie stood over a half open bottle of wine talking. Their hands were moving faster than their mouths. Whatever that was about had them pretty damn excited. Jake and Roman were slicing some kind of beef on the far counter. Greg and Wes were cracking jokes in the corner—never good for the rest of us—and June and Carrie sat at the end of the counter, heads together, talking.
I cleared my throat. “Hello?”
Eight heads snapped our way. Zoe’s hand tightened around mine.
“You’re here!” June yelled. “Really here! Together at last!”
Zoe held up our entwined hands. “Look. Stare. Poke us if you must, but get it out of your systems now. Please.”
“You make this ugly bastard less ugly just by standing next to him, Zoe,” Wes offered, clearly pleased with himself.
Carrie smacked the back of his head. “Congrats you two. We’re all very happy for you.”
“Well, I think this calls for a toast,” Eve said, quickly moving around the counter to finishing opening the bottle of wine. “Glasses, please.”
She poured wine for those off the clock, while Jake poured sparkling water for those of us still headed out to play a few innings of baseball.
Then Wes made a simple toast. “To the happy couple. May your days be sweet and your nights dirty.”
There were a few snickers but everyone enthusiastically agreed as they clinked glasses. As I looked around at the familiar faces it was a little bit like wearing sunglasses inside. Everything looked the same, but different. For the first time I wasn’t watching Zoe from across the room, trying like hell to get a few seconds with her. She was here against my side, her hand in my back pocket.
I’d do just about anything to keep
it this way.
“Hey, looks like we missed all the fun!” Seth called from the doorway. Right behind him was Chris.
“Sucks to be you,” Wes called. “Your roomie has a sex partner now. I hope you have earplugs.”
Seth’s eyes locked onto me. “About damn time. Congrats, Zoe.”
I didn’t punch him when he kissed my lady’s cheek, but I wanted to. “Careful, roomie.”
“Shut up,” he shot back.
“Hey, Eve. I thought dinner was only for the cool kids.” Seriously, how many more clowns were going to walk through that door?
“Chris is cool. Seth’s not, but we keep him around anyway.” She grinned when Seth scowled, which was one of the reasons I always liked Eve. She reminded me of my sisters.
Speaking of which, “Ma doesn’t know yet.”
Seth saluted. “I won’t tattle when Mama Cassidy arrives.”
“Arrives?” Zoe asked with a tug on my arm.
“She’s coming to visit for the playoffs.” Then I scowled at Seth. “She’ll know by then. It’s not a secret or anything, I just don’t want your sad pathetic attempts at becoming my fourth brother to ruin my news, asshat.”
“It’s not my fault your mama loves me more than you.”
“It’s not my fault you answer my phone either, but here we are,” I sighed. Was it really too much to ask to call my own mother on my own terms?
This was just proof I lived with a bunch of kids pretending to be full-grown men.
“All right, all right,” Jake said. “Appetizers are on the back porch. This kitchen is getting a little crowded.”
Wes grabbed me at the same time Carrie and June surrounded Zoe, separating us. The only reason I let go of her hand was because I was worried if I refused and told everyone to fuck off, then everyone would see how far gone I was and it might scare Zoe.
Wes grabbed my shoulder and gave it a squeeze. “You all right, man?”
“’Course I’m all right.”
“Uh, sure. Whatever. You’ve got ‘scared shitless’ written all over your face. Didn’t realize you thought so highly of me.” He bounced and grinned but he also watched me like he was genuinely worried about me.
I shrugged off his big paw. “Look, you don’t have to worry, okay? I’ll kick my own ass harder than you ever could if I hurt her in any way.”
Wes stared at me. “Okay.”
“Don’t look at me like that.”
He kept staring. “She told you, didn’t she?” He scrubbed his face. “Wow. You two are serious.”
As a heart attack. And I was glad he got it. “I know the details.”
“Who are we killing?”
I loved that it wasn’t even a question to Wes. “Hopefully no one, if he’s smart. There’s been no contact since her move.”
“It better stay that way. No one hurts Pixie and gets away with it.”
I shoved Wes into the hallway. “That’s why she’s here. He did get away with it.” And that alone was enough to make me want to hunt him down but I didn’t want to unnecessarily upset Zoe when the past wasn’t an issue. “No one stood up for her.”
Wes stared over my shoulder. “Fuckers. Well, she’s got us now and we won’t put up with shit like that.”
“Let her know that.” Wes started to push past me so I shoved him back. “Not right now you numb nuts. Naturally. Just, from time to time remind her that we’ve got her back. In conversation like a normal person.”
“This isn’t just a crush is it?”
I shook my head. “This is as real as it gets.” I’d spent a lot of time this morning with Zoe nestled against my chest remembering my parents. Their love was the kind you could see and feel when you were around them. The way they never let each other go or how they always went out of their way to make the other one feel special. Zoe and I had that. I think that’s why my dad was on my mind so often these days. I’d do something, or think something, and hear my dad’s voice instead of my own, like an old echo from the past.
It was solid proof that this was it for me. Ma always told me she knew right away that Dad was the one and that one day I’d just know when I’d found mine.
She was right. I didn’t have a single doubt.
“I understand,” Wes murmured, his eyes had shifted from Zoe to Carrie. “When she knocks you on your ass you know you’ve found the woman who’s different than all the rest.”
“And we all love watching Carrie knock you on your ass over and over again.”
He flicked me off. “Take care of Pixie.” And then without another word he left.
I didn’t waste a second getting back to Zoe. I slipped my arms around her and pulled her against me. “Miss me, Darlin’?”
She immediately relaxed. “I did, actually.”
“Good.”
“I’m hungry.”
I jumped right into action. “Let’s get you some food then.” The appetizers were all laid out on the porch against the wall. Guacamole, queso dip, chips and salsa on the left, jalapeño poppers and stuffed peppers on the right.
Zoe shoved a jalapeño popper in her mouth while she piled guacamole and salsa on a plate with a handful of chips. When she was done she grabbed a stuffed pepper and devoured that too.
“Don’t choke please. I’m not up to date on my first aid certifications.” She sure could put food away when she wanted to.
“I was so nervous about tonight that I couldn’t eat lunch.”
And now that the nerves had settled she was starving. “Sit.” I was so excited it didn’t occur to me she might be too nervous to eat. “Do you need water? I’ll refill your plate when you’re ready.”
“I’m fine, Erik.” She took my hand and it immediately calmed my nerves.
“I’m worried about you.”
She peeked up at me all soft and sweet. “Thank you for worrying about me. I promise I’ll be fine in a minute. I just needed some food.”
I noticed she hadn’t taken more than a sip of her wine. “You’re sure you don’t want some water? It would probably be good for you.”
“Sure.”
I moved like lighting. Like this water might save her life. I’m really not sure why I felt this level of panic other than she was my woman and it was my job to make sure she was well taken care of, and as of this moment, I was falling down on the damn job.
“Careful Romeo,” Marie cautioned as I flew through the kitchen to the refrigerator. “You don’t do anyone any good with a broken limb.”
“Just getting water.”
“Oh I can see that.”
I shot her a look. “Don’t judge.”
“I’m not judging. I’m happy for you, but I also don’t want you to trip over your own two feet.”
I kept hearing a noise. It was steady and consistent, but also coming and going without any pattern. Like an annoying mosquito. “What’s that noise?”
Zoe blushed. “I have a feeling it’s my phone. I’m sorry. It’s on vibrate but that only helps so much.”
We were sitting on the new patio of Rusty’s Bistro eating brunch. “That’s a lot of vibrating. Are you getting phone calls?”
She shook her head. “No. It’s probably my writing group. We use an app to send messages and sometimes when all of us get going . . . ” her voice trailed off as she looked away and bit her lip. She was nervous about this. Interesting. “Anyway,” she continued, “if you don’t mind I’ll put the app on snooze. It will only take a second.”
Oh. She was cute. Nervous about pulling her phone out on our date. So polite and sweet. It made me want her a little more than I already did. “No problem.” I watched the way she fidgeted and fumbled, grabbing her purse and digging out her phone.
She blushed again when she found it. “Fifty-two notifications. Sheesh.”
“Fifty-two? Since I picked you up?”
She nodded, swiping her finger across the screen and tapping.
“What are the girls talking about?”
She blinked seve
ral times but didn’t look at me. “All kinds of stuff.” She turned the phone so I could see the screen. It looked a lot like a menu with different categories. Writing. Marketing. Retreat. I liked getting this look into Zoe’s world so I leaned closer and pointed at the top one. “What’s Publishing?”
I swear she breathed a little sigh of relief. Her shoulders definitely relaxed a little. “Oh, Mary found a book cover she thought was beautiful and shared it.” She clicked on it and the book cover appeared, along with what appeared to be a lot of other stuff.
“What else do you guys talk about in Publishing?”
“Anything and everything related to the industry. Book covers, trends, software, issues or tricks for dealing with vendors. Agents. Stuff like that.”
Interesting. “And Social Media?”
Without hesitation she clicked on that one. A link to a Tweet about “Things Writers Say” appeared with three comments underneath. Alexandra posted a laughing emoji, Julia posted “Scarily accurate,” and Alexis posted five gold stars.
I was starting to understand. There were three more highlighted sections. One in particular caught my eye.
“And Gossip?”
She blushed again, fidgeting in her seat. Bingo. That was why her phone was blowing up. “Just silliness. It’s kind of our free space to vent.”
I didn’t buy it. “Would today’s silliness have something to do with me, Zo?”
She nodded real slowly. “That would be my guess. I haven’t opened it yet.”
Her hand almost shook. She wasn’t just a little nervous or thrown off by this. She was very nervous and I needed to put an end to whatever silliness was bringing that on.
She always responded well to my touch so I started there, cupping her cheek and running my thumb along the skin. “Darlin’?” I finally got her eyes. “Why does this make you uncomfortable? I like your friends. I think it’s cute they’re talking about us.”
“You do?” she asked like I’d just said I love to eat beets for breakfast.
“Let’s send them a picture. That’ll really make them lose their minds.”
When all she did was stare at me I nodded toward her phone. “Selfie. You and me. Friends. Fun.”