by Rita Hestand
It was a fun time, Jane Ann loved to play in the water.
Come dinnertime, she had cleaned herself up and one of the officer's wives gave her a dress she could wear.
It was a beautiful silk dress of red and it fit her perfectly. She tried to doll Jane Ann up too, borrowing from another woman that had a girl child that had out-grown her clothes. The women were very helpful and understanding of her plight. She made Matthew wash up in the bowl, slicked his hair down and cleaned his shoes, as they were almost threadbare from the journey here. Another woman came in with some clothes for him. "I have a son about his age; here are some clothes he might be able to wear."
"Thank you ever so much…"
As they joined everyone for the meal, a woman came and took the children to the kitchen, "They'll eat in here." She told her.
Hawk was on the other side of the table. He was heavily engaged in conversation with the Colonel when she came in, but the sight of her had his head turning in appreciation.
The red dress brought all eyes on her, and she blushed, her eyes meeting Hawk's for a moment.
His glance said more than his words. She was a white woman again and he was distancing himself from her. She wished he wouldn't. However, the clothes seemed to throw him off guard. And she was still pondering what had happened between them. Now that she was with white people again, she felt as though she wore a sign, "I slept with an Indian" around her neck.
Her guilt was showing again.
All the men smiled at her and noticed her.
One of the women that was seated to her left started talking to her. She was the Colonel's sister-in-law. Mrs. Merriweather. She was a good ten years older than she was and overly endowed in a dress that showed more than it hid.
"We heard you were captured by the Comanche?" She said with such a frown.
"Yes, for a short while. Hawk rescued me and my daughter and saved my son."
"Really, how interesting that one Indian would save you from another. It must have been horrible for you."
"Well, not exactly." Eve couldn't lie about it. She hadn't been mistreated except when they first captured her; once she was in the Comanche village, everyone treated her well.
"You were lucky you were not accosted." The woman was saying. "I've heard such tales from some of the women that Colonel Mackenzie has rescued. Some had been with the Indians for ages, and had Indian children. Can you imagine?"
"One has little choice when captured." She tried to smile. "I guess that is hard to imagine…for some. Unless you've been through it." She added.
Hawk's gaze caught hers for a second, his approval of her reflected in that gaze.
"You don't have to worry about that here. Colonel Mackenzie takes care of the Indians here. He's made several raids on the Indians that refuse to live in the reservations. It has been very successful. Why we have a garrison full of Indian women and children outside now. They are deplorable. They stink so, they never wash."
"Really," Eve glanced at the Colonel. "Have they been given the chance to bath?"
The woman seemed taken aback by the question.
The Colonel nodded. "We've been able to keep them under control."
Eve smiled and nodded.
"Tell us more about the savages, Mrs. Dawson." The woman persisted.
"Well, they were much like we are. They spent their time, weaving baskets, making blankets and mocassins. The men were busy hunting, and I guess planning things."
"Like wars?"
"I don't know. I didn't ask. When you are captive you don't get to ask questions much." She smiled sweetly at the lady.
"And your daughter, did they treat her well?"
"Yes, they didn't bother her at all. I was able to keep her at my side all the time."
"Mrs. Haley watches the children here for us, so they don't sit at our table. They have their own, in the kitchen. Matthew and Jane Ann are there now. You see in the military talk of wars and such are common and as adults that's fine, but not for little ears."
Eve nodded. She'd have to get used to the rules around the place.
"I've heard there are many scandalous things they do with captives…"
"I wasn't there that long…"Eve smiled tightly.
"Oh I didn't mean you my dear."
"So…where is your husband?" the woman next to her asked.
Eve glanced at Hawk, but he was still talking to the Colonel. "He's dead; he died of a fever two years ago."
"Oh dear. That's so sad."
"Yes," Eve nodded. Then something occurred to her that scared her witless. Her face went totally pale. Hawk had relations with her and she could be caring his child right this minute. It almost made her ill with fear. These people would eat her alive if they knew that. And if she was pregnant, what would she do? She needed to talk to Hawk about it before he left.
Strange that it just now occurred to her of the consequences of her actions. Faced with life and death situations, she'd given no thought to other problems.
The chatter went on half the night even though they had music and danced. Hawk did not dance with her.
However, some of the young soldiers asked her to dance. She was whirled about the floor many times and every man seemed to take a turn at it. She tried to be gracious to all of them, but her heart wasn't in it. She was worried now.
She caught Hawk staring at her a time or two, but he said nothing more to her.
As one of the young men accompanied her to her quarters, she sighed. She missed Hawk. She was so tired of answering questions about her capture. It would seem that having relations with an Indian changed many things. Things she hadn't expected.
She wasn't the same woman as she was two months ago. She had changed and that change had surprising consequences to face.
Matthew had met a couple of kids and they had played after supper, but it was late now and she put them both to bed.
Restless she went outside.
She leaned against the railing and stared out at the moonlight. What was she going to do? What if she were pregnant?
A voice came from behind her. "Don't turn around. Your talking to me now would not be a good thing. I came only to say goodbye…"
She wanted to see him, but he refused her even that. At least he hadn't totally forgotten about her.
She took a deep breath. "You're leaving now?"
"In the morning, probably before you wake up. I am glad you are safe now. You and your family."
"All thanks to you." She said almost turning.
"I'm glad. Try to forgive the people here. Some of them are very much removed from life on the prairie."
"I noticed."
"Well, good luck to you Mrs. Dawson."
Somehow, that reference made her almost angry. She'd had relations with this man, and now he was calling her Mrs. Dawson. Talk about removed!
"And to you…Hawk." She said a tear in her eye. Nevertheless, she couldn't just let him walk off. She had to tell him her worse fears, for she might not see him again. "Hawk," she called to him and went into the shadows with him. "If I am pregnant what do I do?"
He looked puzzled and concerned. "I don't understand?"
She blinked hard, trying to control her emotions.
"They know my husband has been dead two years. I’m afraid I blurted that out before thinking. In fact, until I did tell them, it never occurred to me. If somehow…you…I mean. I told them he died two years ago; they would know it wasn't his. What shall I do? How can I explain myself?"
Hawk seemed taken aback, as though it never occurred to him either. "I hadn't given it a thought, Eve." He called her by her name now. "I'm sorry."
When she didn't say anything, he went on.
"Are you afraid you are?" He asked.
"I don't know. But you must realize it only takes once. And if I am, it will be such a scandal. I'll have to leave here and never come back."
"Yes, you are right. I did not think of that, before I brought you here. I am a fool. I will come b
ack to check on you in a month or so."
"Thank you!" She said and turned to go inside.
"I should not have brought you here, but I will come back. I would never leave you, if I thought…."
She nodded, a tear slipping down her cheek.
"I'll be back, I promise with all my heart." He said and walked away silently as a young soldier happened to walk by.
She didn't know if he'd keep that promise. The fear of it being a reality hit her hard. She hadn't once considered the possibility until she came here and they questioned her about everything. If they only knew, she'd be kicked out of here so fast.
She'd prayed that she wasn't pregnant.
Although a small part of her almost hoped…she was! Dear God, what did that mean? What was so tragic was that she came to realize she no longer fit into this society. Especially if anyone knew the truth. She didn't fit anywhere now.
She wasn't a stranger to the stories some women told of being captured, nor of how others shunned those women. Now she might be one of them.
Chapter Eight
Hawk worried over his decision to leave Eve and the children here at the fort. He could hardly sleep. Why hadn't he thought of it? He remembered thinking of it when he touched her. How he'd like to impregnate her then. It was a grim possibility he realized. He knew that now. He too had lost himself in the lovemaking. In some ways, he wished he could talk to her about it, but it wasn't wise. This mixing thing was getting in the way of things.
The whole concept of making love to a white woman was new to him. Although, he had wanted her for so long. And he hadn't been disappointed either. She was everything a man could want in a woman. Somehow, he had to turn those feeling away. Forget the way her lips responded to his, or how her body came to him willingly.
The next morning he headed out early. He was going to scout out the camps he knew were closer to the fort than they should be, and warn them that Mackenzie could attack them at any time.
His warnings wouldn't be welcome, but he had to do it. It could save a few lives, he thought.
The first camp he came to was full of Comanche and Arapaho. Although they kept separate, they were close.
"I am Red Hawk, and I have come to warn you that Colonel Mackenzie might raid your camps at any time. You must move further north."
"How do you know this?" the chief asked looking at Hawk with disdain and suspicion.
"I just came from the fort. He's got men all along this area. They will massacre you if you don't move. They take women and children captives. At least hide them. The fort is full of Indian women and children."
"Why do you warn us? Are you not one of their scout soldiers?"
"I was, I'm not now."
"You think we cannot defend ourselves?" The old chief Little Horse asked his tone bitter as he stared him down.
"I am only warning you…"
"Then you have said your peace…go…now." The chief frowned at him.
Hawk frowned. He'd done all he could. If they stayed they'd be killed.
It was useless; they did not want to hear his words. He should have known by now, he could no longer help his own people. He was a stranger among his own. The whites didn't respect him, the Indians didn't believe him. Where was his place now?
That first night he camped and worried about Eve all night. His dreams were restless and he knew he would have to return to the fort soon. For he too, had heard how the women scorned other white women who slept with Indians.
However, there were other dreams that made his heart lighter, his burdens less. If Eve were pregnant, he would never let her go again. He would make a home for them and they would be his family. Deep down, he wanted that all along, and he knew it. The admission bothered him, for he prided himself for so long for not letting his emotions rule him. When he had first saw Eve, everything changed. He could no longer hold himself away.
He should never have taken them to the fort. If anyone found out what happened, she'd be in a world of trouble.
The thought of her having his child, made him smile. It would be a strong child, and he would claim it, if she would let him. He would claim her and her children, if she would let him! He wanted her, despite how dangerous it would be. Whether she could admit it yet or not, she wasn't immune to him either.
Somehow, he would make a home for her and the children.
That night as he tried to sleep though he heard the screams from the Indian camp and knew that Mackenzie had found them. The fire and smoke that billowed told him Mackenzie had probably killed all of the Cheyenne and Arapaho in that village.
He hung his head. He had failed them. He had failed Eve too.
~*~
Eve adjusted to the life at the fort fairly well, but deep down inside, she missed Hawk. She had little in common with the women here at the fort and the men all acted as though she were a raving beauty the way they tried to pay court to her. Women were scarce in the west and that was probably why they made such a fuss over her.
Matthew watched her closely one day.
"Are you gonna marry one of those soldiers, Ma?"
"No darling…Whatever gave you that idea?"
"Why not?" He looked puzzled. "They sure enough like you."
"I don't love them. I will never marry again unless I am in love." Eve told him.
"Are you in love with Hawk?" He asked quietly.
"Matthew! That isn't a nice question to ask a lady."
"Why not? You're not a lady, you're my Ma."
"If anyone heard you ask that here, I'd have a lot to answer to. Don't ever ask such a thing in front of these people, they wouldn’t understand. The things that have happened to us since we were captured have changed our lives to some extent. Nothing will ever be quite the same again."
"I wouldn't say anything. But…are you?"
"I-I don't know…"
"Do you miss him?"
She smiled bashfully at her son. "Yes…"
"Me too!" He said with a big grin. "I like him. He taught me a lot of things."
"I know darling, but I doubt we'll see him again."
"Oh no, we will…" Matthew confirmed it.
"How do you know?" She laughed.
"He told me."
"When?" She stopped combing her hair and looked at him seriously.
"The morning he left. I got up early to say goodbye. He told me he would be back in a month or so, not to worry. He asked me to take good care of you. I think he likes you a lot Ma."
Eve blushed. "We're…friends."
"I think he likes you because you are a girl. I think he is lonely."
"Now what on earth gave you that idea?"
"The way he looks at you. I mean…he really looks." Matthew said with a smile. "It's okay with me, Ma. I just wanted you to know."
"It is?"
"Yes, and I won't tell nobody. Nobody here seems to like the Indians. They don't know them. Do they?"
"No darling, they don't." She smiled and picked up one of Jane Ann's balls and threw it at him. He caught it and tossed it to Jane Ann. She clapped and they played for several minutes.
"At least here you can go to school." Eve said aloud.
"Yeah, it's hard right now. I forgot a lot of stuff since I went."
"Well, I'll help you all I can."
"Thanks. Can I go play now? Freddie is going to show me a new game."
"Sure go ahead." She smiled. She enjoyed the fact that Matthew had friends here to play with and that he seemed to learn a lot now. Jane Ann was mostly with her.
Jane Ann and her had a tea-party and it almost seemed like normal. Almost. She missed Hawk though. However, she still worried that she might be pregnant.
Every time she bathed in the creek, she checked herself closely to see if her breasts were getting bigger or her stomach. Neither was but it was too soon to tell.
Every Saturday night that there was no drilling going on, they had a dance and Eve attended. Several of the soldiers escorted her and she danced every dance.
The women invited her to their sewing circle and continued to quiz her on her capture. However, as time went on she was more vague than ever about it. She hoped she had put their curiosity to rest.
Colonel Mackenzie continued to bring in women and children from his raids. They had built a huge stockade outside for them. When he didn't bring any in, she worried that he might have killed them all. Nevertheless, she was careful not to quiz anyone of his raids. It wasn't her concern, she told herself, but still her heart went out to them. She saw how lean they all looked, how dirty and she wished she could do something to help them. However, that would make her a traitor in the eyes of the whites here.
She needed to be very careful how she acted while she was here.
It was nearly two months since she'd seen Hawk, and she hadn't had her monthly. She was worried he wouldn't come back and she would be pregnant. Her worry alone could have caused her to be late though, she admitted.
Finally, one day, she saw him; he was coming through the gates. She started to rush up to him, but she realized she couldn't do that. She stared at him.
A young soldier spotted her and came up to talk to her. She tried to keep an eye out for Hawk, but he had disappeared.
He'd barely glanced at her as he came through.
Was he concerned at all?
Fretting she snapped at Matthew when he told her he'd seen Hawk. "Yes, I know!"
Matthew watched her carefully. "He'll come see you Ma."
She sighed, trying to calm herself. She was beside herself with worry, and he couldn't even come over and speak with her.
She went back inside and closed the door.
But a half hour later, he knocked on her door. When she opened it, he stared at her for a long moment before speaking, as though just seeing her was enough.
"Hello…" she finally managed.
"Hello," he smiled.
"What….why…why are you here?"
"We're leaving in the morning."
"We are?" She tried not to smile. "How did you explain that?'
"I told them that relatives of yours showed up and wanted you to come back. So I'm taking you to them."