My heart breaks for women who settle. We all live and learn at our own pace, and if you take nothing else out of this book, I hope you’ll remember these things:
It’s never too late.
You deserve joy and love.
You aren’t alone.
There’s always hope.
I WROTE THIS book, but there’s a lot more that goes into making the words into the finished product of a book. Lucky for me, I have an amazing team around me to put the polish on what I do. These five women are professionals I admire, so I wanted to include their wisdom in this book.
Lisa Hollett of Silently Correcting Your Grammar is my line editor extraordinaire. I just lurve her and the work she does. Here’s Lisa’s advice to her younger self and her take on dating:
“I would tell teenage me to sleep with that boy I was in love with. We were dating, but I was such a romantic and so hung up on whether or not he loved me that I didn’t want to sleep with him until I was sure he did. And since I wasn’t sure, I didn’t sleep with him. Then we broke up. Maybe if we had slept together, now I’d look back on it and be disgruntled that he was my first and our relationship didn’t last. But it would be better than the time I spent regretting that I didn’t get it out of the way with someone I at least cared about. I gave it too much importance, like my virginity was some sort of Holy Grail prize to be won by only the most valiant. Yes, your first time is important. But as a positive rite of passage, not as some huge fireworks-and-sparklers event that will alter the course of your life and affect all your future relationships forever and ever.
I know there can be a social stigma with teen girls who sleep around, which I didn’t do and wish I had, in retrospect, but I think getting a depth and breadth of sexual experience when I was younger would have made the expectations and confidence when it came to future encounters/relationships/hookups/etc. more manageable as I aged. I would tell younger me that not every boy (or girl, if that’s your jam) you love or even kinda sorta like is gonna be your HEA. But give it a shot. Take the risk (with protection!) So what if you regret him/her/them later? You won’t regret what you learned about yourself as a result.
As for dating, I loathe it. So I skip it. That said, I did go on an internet date once when I was maybe 35. He was 46 (which was the upper limit of my dating age-range at the time because I was still thinking I wanted to have kids at that age and didn’t want their father to be too old to enjoy them) and when we met for coffee (which I don’t drink, so I had hot apple cider. It was June. Starbucks should sell Diet Coke for those of us forced to meet prospective suitors there for a casual, neutral first encounter) he started talking about his hobby—which I knew from his profile—of visiting all the US state capitols. I tried not to yawn. He then began to discuss his retirement plans with me and seemed aghast that I had yet to start planning what I wanted to do with mine. Now listen, I have an IRA and at the time had a 401K, but I hadn’t even begun to consider where I may want to retire or what I would want to do with my days. And it all just felt so ELDERLY. He already knew I was a little reluctant to have the date because I thought he was a little old, and for him to then jump into what he wanted to do when he was even older—which he reminded me, ill-advisedly, was coming up way sooner for him than for me—was such a turnoff.”
Jessica Estep is a publicist at Inkslinger PR. She does ALL THE THINGS for me, including graphics, setting up promotions, and getting my books out to bloggers. She was one of the first people I told about this book and has been such a tremendous supporter of it. Here’s her advice to her younger self and her (utterly awesome) mind-set on finding love again:
“As a divorced, single mom of two girls, I often wonder where things veered off-course with my previous relationship. I wonder what it would be like to go back in time and make different decisions. I’d never want to take back having my two daughters, of course, but I’d love to be able to give some advice to my college-self and shake some sense into her. In college, I enjoyed going out but found myself jumping into serious relationships pretty quickly. I had this idea of a fairy-tale ending where I’d meet Prince Charming, have a picture-perfect life, wonderful kids, and drive off into the sunset. In my mind, you find someone you love, you get married, and everything else basically falls into place. I knew there would be struggles, but never realized the true consequences of being in a bad relationship. I’d love to go back and tell myself to slow down. That anything good is worth waiting for, and to not look beyond the red flags you are already seeing in someone. I wish I would have taken the time to get to know myself better and focus on my goals before having to put my wishes on hold because of all the responsibilities that arise with having a family. I wish I would have worried more about financial stability and the future of, not only myself, but of my future children. Youth only lasts a short while, and once it’s gone, it’s gone. Know yourself and what you want in a partner, before you invite someone else to share a life with you.
I feel like many young adults put on blinders when they are in relationships. We don’t see any of the negatives someone else may be noticing. We disregard advice from our family, friends, and focus only on the positives, even when the negatives keep piling up. We keep this idea that a person will change, or that you can overlook some of the flaws they have. In reality, people rarely change, and those flaws will start to chip away at your sanity piece by piece. That relationship that you wanted so badly when you were younger, can begin to hold you back, change your outlook on life, and hinder your growth. You may realize, too late, that the person you married isn’t the person you pictured raising children with. And getting out of that relationship will be more complicated and emotionally draining than you may have ever imagined.
Now, as I look to my future and the idea of dating again, I know what I want. I feel more secure in who I am as a person, and instead of seeking someone out, I look forward to meeting a person who just ‘fits’ with me in this stage of my life. Someone who can not only be a great partner, but a wonderful influence on my daughters. I guess I still believe that my Prince Charming will come, but now I understand that it is more important to make my own fairy tale in life instead of depending on a partner to do it for me.”
Brenda’s book recommendations on dating and relationships:
The Five Love Languages
He’s Just Not That Into You
Love Warrior
BRENDA ROTHERT LIVES in Central Illinois. She was a daily print journalist for nine years, during which time she enjoyed writing a wide range of stories.
These days Brenda writes New Adult Romance in the Contemporary and Dystopian genres. She loves to hear from readers.
Visit Brenda Rothert at www.brendarothert.com.
If you’re on Facebook, I’d love to have you in my group Rothert’s Readers, where I share the latest on my work and do special giveaways.
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Standalone books
Unspoken
Barely Breathing
Blown Away
Dirty Work
Dirty Secret
His
Hooked
Come Closer
Protecting Sarina (Kindle Worlds Novella)
Alpha Mail
Lockhart Brothers Series
Deep Down
In Deep
Drawn Deeper
Hidden Depth
On the Line Series
Killian
Bennett
Fire on Ice Series
Bound
Captive
Edge
Drive
Release
Now Series
Now and Then
Now and Again
Now and Forever
Do You Like My Wiener? Page 7