by Elise Jae
He hesitates and I meet his eyes. “The only other option is the couch out in the main house.”
He grimaces, and a moment later, he moves to take off jacket, and then his boots.
HAZARD
I would hold Hannah close to me until the world burned to ash if I could. It’s not a request I have any trouble complying with.
Letting her go is going to be the problem.
Her bed isn’t big enough for anything that would get us in trouble—not that we couldn’t make it work, and haven’t done so with far less space.
But once she climbed onto it with me, it doesn’t matter. I hold her tight, and this space could be its own slice of heaven.
It takes a moment, but with a heavy sigh, she relaxes into me.
“He was disappointed in me.”
I hate the conviction in her voice, because no one could be disappointed in her. “That can’t be true.”
“It is.” Her fingers tighten, her fists gripping the front of my shirt tighter. “I didn’t understand until I found out he was sick. I think… I think he thought I would make him feel alive again, maybe he thought the bond would heal him. It was why he didn’t care that I worked at Margots. Why… we had sex all of three times. Each time, he just got angrier and angrier. He wanted me for something I couldn’t give him.”
If the man wasn’t dead, I’d probably march through this house and do the honors myself.
“That was his problem. Not yours. He never should have been given a bondmate.” He should never have even had the privilege of looking at her.
I tip her face up to mine. “You deserved better, and I am not ashamed to say I’m glad he’s dead.”
This time, I’m the one who kisses her. This time, I devour her mouth and turn her so she’s half under me. I want to remind her that she’s the most desirable woman on the planet. That even though this one man was too flawed to know it, every inch of her enflames me.
She arches against me and my body reacts.
This is Hannah, it knows where to send my blood. Because I am never not going to want her.
She freezes, her eyes darting up to meet mine. “I can take care of that for you.”
But I shake my head. “It will go away on its own. I didn’t come here for that.”
“Still.”
I take her hand before it wanders lower. Kissing her knuckles, I shake my head. “Not this time.”
A shadow passes across her eyes and I want, so badly to tell her that I’ve put in my request. But if it’s not approved by the Agency… or if she refuses me now.
I can’t imagine that.
So I’ll offer what help I can… and I’ll leave offering myself to the people who are supposed to handle that.
“I don’t like you staying here alone.” It’s a tomb. That’s what soaked into my bones when I came in. “I don’t know the rules, but, if you want, you can come stay with me, or I will help you move anywhere you need to go.”
She nods against my chest. “I’m selling it. The house, everything in it. I don’t want any reminders of him.”
I hate the warmth that courses through me at the anger in her tone. I want her to be angry. I want her to be so mad at the asshole who should have loved her…
“Hazard?”
I look down and hear it a moment before she says. “You’re chirping.”
It’s a familiar sound. One I should have heard right away, but I’m too easily distracted by her. Not that it’s something I’ll ever complain about.
I pull the communicator from my pocket, not wanting anyone to intrude on this tiny peace we’re clinging to.
“What do you want?”
There’s a heavy pause before Drift says. “I want to know why the fuck you’re not at your post.”
He has a habit of matching tone, so I don’t imagine he’s actually as pissed as he sounds.
“Fault has it covered.”
“You didn’t clear that with me.”
“We both know you’ve got better things to worry about right now.” I hate the bitterness that creeps into my tone as I say it. “Go care for your wife and kid. The Zone isn’t going to collapse because I’m gone for an hour or two.”
I hang up on him. He’s got a habit of dragging out a call, and I don’t want him in this room with us.
“You should go. I don’t want to get you in trouble.”
“I’ll leave if you really want me to. But if you’re worried about my job. Don’t. Drift has been really weird since Fault bonded. That’s about him. Not me.” I manage to not say ‘us’ and that, in and of itself, is a miracle.
She winces. “I met Fault’s bondmate. She seems nice.”
“She is. And she isn’t afraid to put Drift in his place, wish is great to watch.” I almost tell her she’s going to enjoy watching Wren hand Drift his ass. But I’m getting ahead of myself.
It’s too easy to do when I’m here with her.
I pull her closer to me, burying my face in her hair and wanting, more than anything, to stay like this forever.
But forever can’t last more than two hours and when the clock on her wall clicks over to the last minute before I know I have to leave….
“Are you going to be okay here on your own? Do you want me to call someone else?” I brush my lips over hers. “I can take you to see Kimba?”
“No, she’s got her new baby. I’ll just be in the way.”
She looks away. “I’m used to being alone when I’m here.”
But now, she doesn’t have the option of going to Margot’s to not be alone.
Leaving her has always hurt. Now, it tears my heart out.
Eleven
HANNAH
It’s “girls’ night.”
I’ve apologized to Wren and everything was…. Easier than I expected. Though I know some of them would rather I not be there. Some of the women here tonight witnessed my reaction to Noa’s death.
But no one asks me to leave. And I have a feeling Margot would have thrown them out before she asked me to go.
These nights will be the only time I’m allowed back in Margot’s now that I’m unbonded.
It’s the strangest thing… but Noa dying took this away from me too. And I hate him for that as well.
“What are you going to do now?” Margot has pulled me away from the others after Wren, the Ardem sisters and Kimba leave.
“I don’t know. He left me enough money I don’t have to do anything….” He left me enough money I could probably buy my own continent if I wanted to.
“Well, if you decide to bond again, you’ll always have a place here.”
“Thank you.”
Margot reaches out and places her hand atop mine. “You’ll know what to do when the right opportunity comes along. I trust that.”
I don’t like the way she looks at me. Don’t like how it feels like she can see straight through me.
“It’s about time for me to go home too.”
Margot lets me leave without comment, though I know she has hundreds, and I drive the familiar route to Noa’s house almost on autopilot.
At least it feels like it’s taken no time at all.
But nothing is ever easy.
As soon as I open the door, it hits me in the face. The sweet syrupy smell Noa made me memorize the day I’d gotten here. The last time he’d seemed to care about... anything.
I only pause a moment, blinking twice before I close it again.
I walk calmly back to my car, get in and back out of the driveway. But I don’t go anywhere.
Parked on the street, I pull out my comm and dial a number that’s not as easy to remember as 9-1-1.
The man on the other end is gruff when he answers, and even though he asks, “what is the nature of your emergency,” it sounds like “What do you want?”
But I ignore it. “Hi, I think I have a gas leak.”
His whole tenor changes as he directs me to another man, someone in the right department. I calmly give him the addres
s and wait.
I’m in the car for a few hours before anyone shows up and I’m glad I got the upgraded car while trying to push Noa to some sort of emotion. There’s a difference between levels of comfort, and this is the highest.
If I have to wait, at least I can do so without an aching spine
Even when they show up, I don’t have anything to do beyond confirming they're about to go into the right address.
They don’t even need my keys. They have their own, special one, and when they disappear inside, respirators on, I lean against the car and watch the sunrise.
Neighbors stop to ask questions as they head for work and, even as tired as I am, I manage to feign cheeriness.
I give them all the same line. It’s a gas leak, probably just a line in need of repair. No reason to worry.
Some of them will, of course. Some will rush to check their own pipes.
And I hope they don’t find anything… but at the same time I do.
Because I’ve had too much time to sit in that car and wonder…
Wonder about a gas leak, and eggs that shouldn’t have gone bad, and a man whose hands had tightened around my neck…
A car pulls up behind mine and I turn, expecting to spin the same story to yet another neighbor.
But the woman who gets out of the car is a familiar and welcome sight. “Mary?”
“Good morning. What are you doing out here?”
I nod toward the house. “Gas leak. They’ve been in there for hours and I have no idea how much longer they’re going to be.”
“When it rains it pours I guess.”
I smile but it’s forced. “If you’re not here to see to my safety, what brings you by?”
“We’ve had a bonding request for you—well, I mean, we’ve had dozens of requests, but before this one none have been acceptable.”
“A request?”
“The man has been on our list for a while, but he hasn’t accepted anyone we’ve matched to him yet. I ran you through the computer. You are a match.”
“My last match wasn’t as foolproof as the Agency thought it would be.” It’s not fair to say, Mary had nothing to do with it. Shaking my head, I close my eyes scrub at them with my fingers. “I’m sorry.”
“Take a look at the packet. If you say no, I’ll deny him and he’ll never have to know you even saw it.” She holds the tablet out to me, and then hesitates. “I think, that if you had been matched to this one from the beginning…. Your time here would have been completely different.”
I take the tablet, but I don’t look at it until she’s gone.
When I do, my heart seizes.
Hazard.
HAZARD
I’ve been waiting two days for an answer. And despite the waiting I’ve done for a bondmate, it’s never been quite like this. Hannah is everything I’ve ever wanted. The idea that I might be able to have her is….
There is no word in Sianese or English to describe it.
I have my messaging icon open on the wall screen, waiting.
It’s why I’ve been obsessively cleaning.
When the screen pings, I straighten, pulling a hand over my head and hoping I look presentable.
I sit to keep my legs from shaking and blow out a long breath, leaning forward, elbows on my knees as I accept the call.
But it’s not Hannah who’s face greets me with a small smile.
It’s Cindy. She’s bouncing her baby on her hip and Core is in the background doing his weird “I can stop breathing” bullshit.
“Good morning!” She says, cheerily.
“What can I help you with?”
“I found something weird in your last check up.”
I’d forgotten that she does periodic checks of our medical units. “Do I have a cold?”
“No… I didn’t trust what I was seeing at first, so I sent the information to Jessica. Don’t worry, I didn’t have your name attached to it. But, and I don’t know how this happened, you’re partially bonded.”
“That’s impossible.”
“It’s also impossible that three men could bond to a single woman….” She raises her brows and shoots me that look. “We both know you guys are often the exception to the rules. I’ve scrolled back through the data, but I haven’t been able to pinpoint when yet.”
“So what does that mean?”
“Honestly, I don’t know. But… I thought you would want to know. Any idea who to?”
Yes. But I’m not about to tell her that.
“If I figure it out, I’ll let you know.” I hit the disconnect and turn away. Because this is just another layer of the problem.
No wonder I feel… everything I do for Hannah. No wonder being with her is like having a part of myself wake up.
I cross to the window and scan the vast white, hoping for movement. Wanting a reason to go out in the Zone and get my hands dirty. To get my mind off that unanswered request.
Uncertainty and frustration aren’t feelings I enjoy.
The door chime echoes above me and I close my eyes, take a deep breath.
It’s probably Drift.
I’ve been waiting for him to come over and chew me out for what I said the other day when I was with Hannah.
Steeling myself against the inevitable argument that’s about to ensue, I go to pull it open but the preemptive words I have for drift dies in my throat, and I stare at Hannah as she looks up at me with a sheepish smile.
“Hi.”
“Hey.”
Her gaze darts to the floor and then she licks her lips. “We should talk.”
I realize I’ve been staring at her this whole time and quickly move out of the way.
She smiles at me, but it’s sheepish and when she steps inside, her gait stutters.
I swear I hear a small curse a moment before she sets her bag down and goes straight to that wide window.
As I shut the door behind me, I don’t see anything beyond that pane of glass. Just her, wreathed in light like an angel here to take me to heaven, or cast me down into hell.
“I don’t think I realized how enormous it was.”
“There’s a reason there are as many brothers standing watch as there are.”
Something strikes me then, as she turns back to me. Everything with her is more potent… and now I know why.
Because part of the apprehension I feel is hers.
Taking a deep breath, I try to relax. Try to force myself to filter some calm through this partial bond to her.
“They told me you requested me… specifically?”
“I did.” I swallow at the uncertain feeling not sure who it belongs to. “Why don’t you have a seat?”
Looking at the couch, she nods and walks to it as though marching—as though she has to force herself to do it.
I want to go to her, to sit next to her and bundle her into my arms, but that lingering apprehension makes me think she needs space. And I will give her anything she wants.
Anything she needs.
So I sit across from her and focus on how happy I am to see her. How much I want her. She seems to relax a little and I can only hope I’ve helped.
“They’ve left it up to me.” Her hands are wrapped tightly around each other and she’s staring at her knees. “But I need to ask you a few questions before I can make that decision.”
Questions.
“Okay.”
I can answer those… though my body immediately questions if I shouldn’t get up and pace.
She adjusts and I have to remember… even if it’s only a tiny bit, some of my anxiety flows over to her.
“You didn’t request me because you feel bad, did you? I don’t need your pity.”
Pity was the last thing that factored into the change I put in with the Agency.
“I requested you, because you’re the only woman I can imagine bonding to. I thought you were unattainable, and then I thought maybe a bondmate of my own would change that, but… I’ve never been pulled toward anyone the
way I’m pulled toward you.
“You’re the only woman I’ve been with. The only woman I’ve ever wanted to be with.”
“Even though you want to share me?”
I know the look I give her isn’t polite, but I can’t help it..
“I like to watch because I know you love being fucked. And I only have two loads to give you when I’m at Margots. I can’t walk in there and monopolize you for a whole night. If I find others….” He shrugs. “The sexiest thing about sliding my cock into your come-drenched pussy, has always been knowing that you were watching me the whole time.”
Her breath hitches. “You knew?”
“Of course I knew. After that first time—a time I almost came in my pants, by the way—there was no chance I was going to let you leave a room I was in without filling you to bursting.”
“Does that mean you’d want me to keep working at Margot’s?”
“Maybe not quite as much as you were, but yes. After all, I might want to fuck you three times a day, but I know you crave more than that. And the Agency will no doubt want their best saleswoman back on the floor.”
She laughs and I feel a little better. Good enough to tell her the real reason.
“I’ve been in love with you for a very long time, Hannah. And if you don’t want to bond with me. I hope that you’ll still let me come see you at Margot’s.”
She doesn’t say a word. I see her take a long breath and blow it out again.
Crossing the shallow space to me, she sits on my lap and buries her face against my shoulder. “Your bondmate will eventually have a problem with that.”
I probably shouldn’t tell her. But even if it might sway her answer… that is something she needs to know. “I’ve pulled my general request.”
“What?” She jerks back.
“Please don’t let this make your decision for you, but, if I don’t bond to you… I don’t want anyone else.” I trace my thumb over her pulse point. “I can settle for visiting you at Margot’s.”
I hope that’s not a lie.
“Hazard.” She looks up at me and the longing that courses through me is so strong… if I was standing, it would have dropped me to my knees.
I kiss her and she melts into me.