Levi argued, “But I want to prevent anyone from getting hurt.”
“Then put up a sign that says Please Drive Slowly. But don’t ruin a relationship with a customer, as well as risk your reputation as a business owner, by holding everyone to your safety standards, especially since no one was in danger.” The customer waved to Walker, who waved back, indicating he’d be right over to answer his question.
As much as Levi tried to justify his anger at the customer—and at Otto and Sadie—he realized Walker was right. Levi was perilously close to ruining relationships. Losing customers. Maybe even losing employees. Sadie, to be precise. He resolved to take her aside at lunch and apologize. But between carting trees, directing his staff and assisting an Englisch teenage driver who lost traction after backing into a snowbank and needed a push forward, Levi lost track of time. He wouldn’t have even known it was time to eat if Otto hadn’t told him what fantastic chili Sadie had made—usually they took their breaks at the same time.
“You ate already?” Levi suspected Otto had headed to the house early to be alone with Sadie.
“Jah, over an hour ago.” Otto patted his stomach. “I would have polished everything off if Sadie hadn’t stopped me. She put some aside for you and told me to tell you to heat it up if she wasn’t there. She planned to take Elizabeth and David outside for a while.”
Levi hiked toward the porch. Halfway between the workshop and the house, he spotted tracks where Sadie must have played Cut the Pie with David and Elizabeth. He shaded his eyes to see an object on the snow and assumed one of the children had dropped a mitten. Then he realized it was crimson, a little pool of blood. Beyond that, a trail of droplets led to his home. Levi’s stomach lurched. Was it David’s or Elizabeth’s? Sadie’s?
He ran like a stallion and bolted through the mudroom into the kitchen just as Sadie came through from the living room. “What’s wrong?” she asked.
At the same time he questioned, “Are the kinner okay?” Levi leaped toward the hall, but Sadie blocked his way.
“Shh. They’re napping. They’re fine.”
Levi was nearly panting. “I saw blood in the snow.”
“Oh, that,” Sadie picked up a dish towel. “David had a nosebleed. It stopped before we even got inside.”
“A nosebleed? How did it happen? Did he fall? Or run into someone?” Levi couldn’t stop himself from accusing, “It was because of that game you taught them, wasn’t it?”
“Absatz,” Sadie yawped, tossing the dish towel onto the counter. “You need to calm down, Levi.”
“Don’t tell me to calm down. My kind was hurt under your care and you owe me an explanation!”
* * *
Sadie jammed her hands onto her hips and leaned forward. She drew no small measure of satisfaction from telling Levi exactly what happened. “Neh, he didn’t run into anything and he didn’t fall, nor was he hit. His nose just started to bleed. Probably because the air in the house is so dry because you turn the gas heat way up and always have a bonfire raging in the woodstove. If it’s anyone’s fault he got a nosebleed, it’s yours.”
Levi slumped into the couch. He looked more dazed than embarrassed, and when he finally spoke, his voice quavered. “You’re right. I’m sorry for blaming you.” He shielded his face with his arm, appearing so woebegone Sadie’s anger melted faster than butter in a skillet. Levi moaned, “It was my fault. It was all my fault.”
Perching on the cushion beside him, Sadie consoled, “It only bled a little. It probably looked worse than it was because of the contrast with the snow. It’s not really your fault. I only said that because you blamed me.” When Levi didn’t respond, she gently elbowed his side. “If it’s anyone’s fault, it’s David’s. I’ve seen him stick his fingers in his nose. Between that and the dry air, his nasal membranes probably got irritated. My youngest bruder gets nosebleeds so often from picking his nose that my stepmother threatens to sew mittens onto his hands if he doesn’t stop poking around in there.”
Sadie wasn’t sure whether the noise Levi made was a laugh or a gulp. “You don’t understand. It was my fault.”
Realizing he wasn’t talking about David’s nosebleed, Sadie urged, “What was your fault, Levi? You can tell me.”
“Leora,” he said, and for a moment Sadie thought he was confused, addressing her by his departed wife’s name. Then she recognized he was referring to Leora’s fall.
“Leora’s accident was your fault?” He nodded when she said it for him. “How was that your fault? You weren’t even home.”
Levi dropped his arm but didn’t face Sadie as he told her about neglecting to return Leora’s stepladder to the house, which meant she had to use a kitchen chair to wash the windows. Sadie was aware Levi’s guilt was as real to him as the floor beneath his feet, but to her it was completely unjustified. She waited until he quieted before saying, “That still doesn’t make it your fault, Levi. Gott is sovereign. He ordained the number of days for each of our lives.”
“I know that,” Levi agreed, nodding. Yet in the next breath he contradicted himself, “But don’t you see? I was part of the reason Leora’s life was cut short. I made a mistake. A thoughtless, careless, self-centered mistake.” His chin dropped to his chest again. It occurred to Sadie he’d likely never told anyone this secret. Levi’s guilt was false guilt, but that didn’t mean it didn’t have a very real effect on him. In her own experience, Sadie always felt better once she confessed her guilt or wrongdoings to God.
After a quiet spell, she said, “Since you already know about Gott’s will and sovereignty, I won’t say anything else about that. But I wonder if you’ve ever considered maybe Leora’s death had nothing to do with standing on a chair. Maybe she had a dizzy spell. In that case, it wouldn’t have mattered whether she was standing on the stepladder, she still would have fallen.”
Levi shook his head. “Not likely. She was in perfect health.”
It was going to be harder to get through to him than Sadie first thought. His guilt must have taken deep root from years of living with it. Sadie was hesitant to suggest, “She might have gotten dizzy from being too hungerich.”
“She’d just eaten. There were leftovers from her lunch in the fridge.”
“Could it... Could it be possible Leora should have exercised more discretion?”
Glowering at Sadie, Levi defended his wife. “Leora didn’t want to die. How can you even suggest such a thing?”
“Neh, of course she didn’t want to die. But I’ve cleaned lots of windows before. I’ve taken shortcuts, stood on my tiptoes to reach a pane because I was too lazy or rushed to get a stepladder. Surely you’ve done the same thing when you’ve repaired your roof or helped with a barn raising. Maybe that’s what happened with Leora. She made an error in judgment, that’s all.”
“You’re saying it’s her fault!” Levi jumped up, his forehead slashed with angry lines. “How dare you say it’s her fault? That’s lecherich!”
Sadie remained calm, evenly replying, “That’s my point. I think if Leora were here, she’d ask how dare you say it’s your fault. She’d say you’re being lecherich. And whether you claim you already know it or not, I think she’d remind you what Scripture says about Gott determining the number of our days.”
“What do you know about what my wife would think?” Levi’s vehemence was loud enough to wake the children, but Sadie persisted.
“I know if I had a husband and I died, it would crush me to think he was bearing such a tremendous and unnecessary burden. I’d want him to let go.”
“I have let go of my wife,” Levi barked. “I know she’s in Heaven with the Lord.”
“I mean let go of your guilt.”
Levi shook his head and stared out the window, his eyes brimming, his nostrils red.
“It’s not gut for you. Or for your kinner. The Lord doesn’t want you to carry a burden that’s not yo
urs to carry.”
Levi was momentarily stupefied. “I don’t know how to let go,” he finally rasped.
Sadie stood. “Give it to Gott,” she whispered. She could hear the creak of Elizabeth’s bed upstairs. Footsteps would soon follow.
Levi chewed his bottom lip, nodding. “I’m sorry for the way I spoke to you last night. And then just now, about David’s nosebleed. I was... I was scared something awful had happened.”
“I forgive you,” she murmured. “And I understand why...”
“Why I’m such a control freak?”
Sadie chuckled. “Those are your words, not mine,” she said as the patter of stocking feet on hardwood floors grew louder and the children appeared.
David sounded proud to announce, “Daed, I got a bloody nose!”
“That’s because he picks it,” Elizabeth said with disgust.
“You pick your nose, too,” David countered.
“No pie for kinner who quarrel,” Sadie told them.
“We get pie? Now?” Elizabeth asked.
“Sure. You may each have a slice while your daed eats his chili. Then he has to get back to work.”
“Can we play Cut the Pie again when we’re done eating our real pie, Daed?”
“If Sadie says so, then you may. She’s in charge and she knows best,” Levi said, looking right into Sadie’s eyes. In that instant she felt as if a thousand icicles melted between them.
* * *
When Levi left the house, his stomach was full but his step was light. He would have been mortified to have broken down like that in front of anyone else, but Sadie was so sympathetic her response was healing. Levi had prayed for forgiveness for his part in his wife’s accident, but he’d never thought to pray for relief from his guilt. False guilt, to hear Sadie tell it. He wasn’t convinced she was right, but as he surveyed the pristine landscape, he desired for his conscience to be as white as snow, too. Lord, he prayed, I know You forgive me. If it’s really not my fault Leora died, please cleanse me of my guilt. And please help me to release my fears and trust You more.
Beyond that, he didn’t know what else to do, but Levi hoped the Lord would work out the details once Levi surrendered his burden to Him. He couldn’t guess how long it would take or how challenging it would be to forgive himself and let go of the worries that bound him, but he was willing to try and that was a start.
The first real test of that willingness came a week later, on the first Saturday in December. After a snowfall blanketed the yard with eight more inches of powdery whiteness and the children asked if they could make an igloo, Levi hesitated, envisioning it collapsing on them, but he prayed a swift, silent prayer and then said, “Jah.”
Sadie sweetly whispered an assurance into his ear. “We’ll be careful. Don’t worry.”
“I won’t,” he said and he meant it.
Levi was grateful he and Sadie had come to a new understanding. In hindsight, he realized that until that point, it was Sadie who had been making most of the compromises in regard to his preferences for the children’s activities, likely because she was his employee. Now that Levi was trying to release his fears and allowing Sadie to voice her opinions about the twins’ safety, his relationship with her was more of an equal partnership and the tension between them dissipated entirely.
Adjusting to Otto’s boisterous and constant presence—as well as to his voracious appetite—took a little more time. As productive and good-natured as Otto was at work, he had a tendency to monopolize conversations—and hog the food—during their family meal times. Levi would have thought anyone who talked so much wouldn’t have been able to simultaneously eat so much, but somehow Otto managed. His behavior grated on Levi’s nerves, and from the way Sadie sometimes pinched her lips together, he knew it was getting to her, too. But she was too gracious to say anything, so Levi tried to follow her example.
Then one morning he was struck with a realization: he and Otto should take their lunch breaks separately. That way, Levi could at least have a little peace for one meal of the day. Before heading out the door, he presented the idea to Sadie in private, using the legitimate excuse that it was too busy on the farm for two men to be gone at the same time. However, he wanted to make sure she didn’t mind serving lunch twice.
“That’s fine but I’m trying to stick to a schedule with the twins’ naptime since they’re outgrowing the need to sleep during the day. I like to put them down by one o’clock. They’re always eager to spend time with you, so if you take your break first, you can eat with them. I’ll have lunch with Otto afterward so he doesn’t have to eat alone.”
“Neh,” Levi protested. It wouldn’t be fair to subject Sadie to enduring Otto’s vociferousness by herself. But Levi knew if he told her that she’d claim she didn’t mind, so instead he explained, “Things are so narrish on the farm I’d appreciate a little quiet time in the middle of the day to get my thoughts together. How about if you serve Otto and the kinner first, and then you and I can eat together after that?”
Sadie cocked her head as if trying to comprehend the punch line of a joke. Did she feel uncomfortable eating alone with him? Levi didn’t want her to suspect he had an ulterior motive.
“Unless you’d rather eat with my son, who puts his fingers in his nose,” he quipped, making Sadie giggle. “And my daughter, who bosses everyone around.”
“Don’t forget your brother-in-law, who eats everything in sight. I’ve started hiding food from him!” She laughed again. “Hmm. It’s a difficult decision, but I guess I’ll eat with you.”
Levi grinned. He supposed he should have felt guilty for scheming to avoid his brother-in-law, but he was too relieved he’d get to enjoy one nice, calm meal a day. As for his previous intention to limit the time he spent with Sadie, well, in this instance, it couldn’t be helped. At least, that was what Levi told himself.
* * *
Sadie drew a line down the center of the page in her diary dated December 12. Ever since Levi confided in her after David’s nosebleed, she felt the connection between them had deepened. However, it might have been a false sense of intimacy simply because he’d shared a personal secret with her—she couldn’t be sure. So, on one side of the page she listed the reasons she thought Levi might be interested in her romantically.
He laughs at my jokes even when they aren’t that funny.
He frequently says how glad he is I’m here.
He asked me to eat lunch alone with him—EVERY day of the workweek!
The way he looks at me.
Then on the other side of the page, she wrote the reasons she didn’t know if he liked her. Actually, it was only one reason:
He hasn’t said it in plain language.
But, she thought, just because he hasn’t said it yet doesn’t mean he won’t. Considering how hesitant Levi was to take physical risks, Sadie rationalized he’d be reluctant to make himself emotionally vulnerable, too.
We don’t have much time left before we part ways. Maybe he doesn’t think I’d be interested in a long-distance courtship, she further reasoned. Or he has qualms about a long-distance courtship working out. Both excuses seemed weak. Of course she’d be interested in a long-distance relationship and she was confident that with a little effort the two of them could develop their relationship through letters and visits. But how could she convince Levi of that if he never brought up the topic?
Sadie sighed and set down her pen. I’m doing it again. If there was one thing she should have learned by now, it was that if a man didn’t overtly express a romantic interest in her, it was because he wasn’t romantically interested. As difficult as it was going to be, she was just going to have to try harder to quell her longing to have Levi as her suitor. Soon enough, I’ll be back in Pennsylvania. It’ll get easier once I don’t have to see him every day, she consoled herself.
A few days later, she dropped by the worksho
p so the twins could replenish the tree stump ornament supply and she could help assemble wreaths and visit with her friend. As she and Maria worked, they chatted about everything from Maria’s mother’s health to what Sadie was planning to purchase for her brothers and other family members for Christmas.
“You must miss them a lot,” Maria said.
“Jah, but I’ll see them soon.” Sadie did miss her family, but she was going to miss Levi and his children when she returned home, too.
“It’s a shame you have to leave. I like having you here.”
“I like having her here, too.” Elizabeth’s comment served as a reminder that little children had big ears.
“It’s too bad you can’t stay,” Maria repeated, her voice low.
“Jah, but what would I do here?” whispered Sadie. “I came to be a nanny and Levi and the kinner are moving to Indiana in January.”
“He’s only moving because he doesn’t have anyone to watch the kinner. If you stayed permanently, he wouldn’t have to move.”
Sadie was so flustered by the suggestion she snipped the loop of a bow instead of the trail of ribbon. The same idea had crossed her mind once or twice before, but given how eager Otto said his parents were to care for the twins, as well as how much preparation Levi had put into their move, Sadie considered it a foregone conclusion they’d relocate to Indiana. “He hasn’t asked me to stay.”
“But if he did?” Maria pressed.
She shrugged. “I suppose I’d say jah.”
“I knew it! What did I tell you about love creeping up on you?”
“Shush,” Sadie warned, pointing toward the children. “Who said anything about love? I’d stay because of the kinner.”
And because if I stayed, it would give Levi more time to ask to be my suitor. It would also mean we wouldn’t have to have a long-distance courtship. Sadie tried to banish the thoughts even as they occurred to her, but it was futile: some dreams weren’t so easily dismissed.
Courting the Amish Nanny Page 11