Go home early? Normally she would appreciate the extra time to catch up on chores at home. But the empty house gave her mind free rein and it always trotted right back to Connor and how much she missed him. At least here at the ranch people were coming and going, kids were playing, and work never ended.
“But, Maureen, there’s still plenty more things I could be doing. The pantry needs to be cleaned and I’ve been planning to polish the floor in the den. It’s starting to look dull. Might be a good time to do it with most everyone gone. Especially with you and Holt planning to entertain those horse breeders from California next week.”
Maureen suddenly stepped back and swept an observant gaze over Jazelle’s face. “If you ask me, you’re the one who’s looking dull around here. I’ve asked Reeva if you were sick and she insisted you weren’t. But I’m not convinced. These past few days, I’ve noticed there’s something off with you. What’s happened? Trouble with your mother?”
Jazelle blew out a long breath. Thankfully, Della knew nothing about her daughter’s short-lived affair with Connor. Otherwise she’d never quit lecturing Jazelle about foolishly trusting the wrong man, which, in Della’s case, meant any man that was breathing.
“Nothing is going on with Mom,” she told Maureen. “She’s been her usual self.”
“Okay, so you have a different problem.” Her eyes narrowed like a shrewd mother who knew when her child was being evasive. “How are things going with you and Connor?”
Jazelle gasped. “How did you know about him and me?”
Maureen laughed lightly. “Honey, you know nothing around here stays a secret.”
“Well, I wasn’t exactly trying to keep it a secret,” Jazelle mumbled. “But no matter. It’s already done and over between us.”
Maureen’s lips pressed together. “So that’s why you have such a sad look on your face. Your heart is breaking.”
Feeling like a silly fool, Jazelle walked over to a window and stared down at a portion of yard behind the ranch house. “I hate to admit it, Maureen, but I’ve never felt this awful. Not even when Spence deserted me while I was pregnant. I guess that was because I didn’t really love him. But now...”
“You really love Connor.”
She sighed. “I didn’t intend to. It just happened.”
Maureen said gently, “That’s the way real love is. It can’t be forced or contrived. It just happens.”
“You sound like you know.”
Maureen walked over and sat in one of the wooden rockers that flanked a small table.
“I should. I loved Joel with all my heart and bore him six children. I didn’t plan to fall in love with him. It was just there in my heart before I realized what was happening. And now that Gil is here at Three Rivers...well, I’m feeling like I’m falling all over again.”
Jazelle sank into the spare rocker.
“That’s good, Maureen. You deserve to be happy and loved. And Gil adores you.” Tears sprung to her eyes before she could stop them. “I wish it was that way for me and Connor. But he doesn’t want a wife or children. He’s been footloose for all these years and wants to stay that way. I knew it and he knew it, so I told him we needed to call it quits before one or both of us got hurt.”
“Hmm. What did he say to that?”
“He agreed. To tell you the truth, I think he was getting ready to tell me the same thing. I just beat him to the punch.”
Her expression rueful, Maureen shook her head. “Connor grew up hard, with no mother, and his father—Monroe—died at a time his young son needed him the most. All Connor has ever known is scrapping for himself. He’s never learned how to include anyone in his life. The only person who comes close to being family to him is my Joe.”
Jazelle’s heart felt so weak and broken she marveled that it continued to beat. “Yes, he told me about the troubled woman who’d given birth to him. And about his dad dying. We, uh, had that in common, you know. Our parents split up—our home life far from idyllic. All that drew us together, I think.” Tears leaked from her eyes and she dashed them away with the back of her hand. “But I believe I was right in ending things.”
“Well, I certainly don’t!” Maureen muttered emphatically.
Jazelle stared at her. “Why? I don’t want to make another painful mistake.”
“Looks to me like you’ve already made a mistake. Seems to me your heart is already broken.” She looked over at Jazelle. “You need to remember that all this family stuff is new for Connor. He needs time to adjust to it. Time to get used to the idea of being a husband and father. Maybe you ought to go to him and tell him that you’re willing to give him whatever time he needs. Because you love him.”
Love. Jazelle hadn’t spoken that word to Connor. Not even once. Mostly because she’d felt quite certain he hadn’t wanted to hear it. Telling him that she loved him would’ve been the same as circling him with a barbed-wire fence. He would’ve been desperate to break free. Even if it meant wounding himself in the process.
“Connor doesn’t want to hear that kind of thing, Maureen. Not from me.”
“But you wish he did,” Maureen said shrewdly. “Because you love him very much. I can see that, even if you can’t.”
More tears spilled from Jazelle eyes. “I feel like an idiot, Maureen. After the ordeal I went through with Spence, I was determined to never look at another man. Not because I was bitter like my mother, but because I was afraid of being hurt all over again. Then I met Connor and I didn’t want to be scared anymore. Now I’m in love with a man who doesn’t love me back. But that’s only a part of my misery. I feel awful for Raine. He adores Connor.”
Maureen’s expression turned regretful. “Have you told Raine anything about this split?”
“Not yet. Connor promised to speak to him about it. But we’ve not seen or heard from him. Actually, I hope Connor doesn’t show. Raine’s birthday is coming up and I don’t want that time for my son to be ruined. You’ve probably already heard that Katherine and Roslyn are insisting on giving him a party.”
“Reeva let me in on the party plans. And if my daughters-in-law hadn’t volunteered to do a party for Raine I would have. Birthday cake is my favorite desert,” she added jokingly. “Especially when it’s not my birthday.”
Rising to her feet, Maureen reached down and tugged Jazelle from the rocker. “Come with me. I want you to help me pick out a blouse to go with the blue leather skirt. You always have good taste.”
As Maureen led her down the second-floor landing to her bedroom, Raine sniffed back her tears and tried to smile. “I was already thinking you should wear that navy blouse with the ruffle at the neckline.”
Maureen laughed. “Jazelle! I rarely wear that blouse. It shows a bit of cleavage!”
“I know.” Jazelle attempted to tease. “That’s why I say keep Gil away from the blackjack tables.”
Laughing, Maureen paused long enough to give Jazelle a tight hug. “Oh, honey, I just want you to be happy. You will think about what I said about talking with Connor?”
“Yes. I’ll think about it,” she promised.
But whether she’d ever find the courage to actually confess her love to Connor was a whole other matter.
Chapter Thirteen
The following morning, daylight was still a couple of hours away when Connor and Joseph responded to a call involving two men in a fistfight on the side of the highway outside of Yarnell. Since the deputies had already been patrolling that desolate section of the county, it took them less than five minutes to reach the scene but more than an hour and a half to deal with the aftermath of the drunken brawl.
By the time both injured men were hauled off in an ambulance, their vehicles towed away, and statements taken from a pair of witnesses who’d happened to drive upon the incident, the morning sun was trying to peep over the bare mountains.
“Let’s stop at Ma
rie’s and get some tacos,” Joseph suggested as he steered the truck toward the little town of Yarnell. “We’ve not eaten since midnight.”
Connor didn’t hear Joseph or the intermittent voices of the dispatcher and a deputy going back and forth on the radio. He was already lost in thought as he stared out the window at the passing landscape.
“Connor! Wake up over there!”
A blank frown on his face, he looked over at Joseph. “Did you say something?”
“Hell yes! And in case you’re interested, I’m going to stop at Marie’s for tacos. If you don’t want any, you can watch me eat.”
Connor scowled at him. “What are you all riled up about?”
“I’m not riled. I just prefer to have a partner that’s actually with me—not off somewhere on a different planet.”
Dust billowed as Joseph steered the truck off the highway and braked to a stop in front of a little adobe building with a flat roof and a faded turquoise door flanked by two small windows.
Owned and operated by Marie herself, the woman made the best tacos in the whole county and beyond. Normally, Connor would’ve run a mile for one of the greasy delicacies, but these past few days, his appetite had done a vanishing act.
Blowing out a heavy breath, Connor dug his wallet out of the back pocket of his jeans and pulled out several bills.
“Here!” he said flatly, tossing the money onto the console between them. “Get the damned tacos and let’s go.”
Joseph started to say something then apparently changed his mind. Ignoring the money, he climbed out of the truck.
Once his partner had entered the old adobe, Connor wiped a hand over his face and wondered how much longer he could exist with this heavy emptiness weighing down every thought in his head, every cell in his body. He’d known that ending things with Jazelle would be hard, but he hadn’t counted on the crushing pain that plagued him around-the-clock.
You’re a stupid man, Connor. You were handed a gift of a lifetime and you threw it all away. You thought you were being some kind of heroic martyr for letting Jazelle go. But you’re actually a fool. A jerk. And a coward.
The condemning voice going off in Connor’s ear was suddenly interrupted as Joseph climbed back into the truck and tossed a brown paper bag toward him.
“See if those will put you in a better mood,” Joseph told him.
Connor opened the sack and, after handing one of tacos to Joseph, pulled one out for himself. Normally, the delicious aroma of eggs and chorizo sausage would have his mouth watering. Instead, his stomach revolted and clenched into a hard knot.
“Sorry, Joe,” he apologized. “Go ahead and tell me that I’m being a jerk. I know I am. But I...don’t know what to do.”
In the middle of unwrapping the waxed paper from the taco, Joseph paused long enough to level a tired look at him. “You don’t? Well, I sure as hell know! The way I see it, Connor, you have two choices. You pull out your phone and you call one of those girlfriends of yours and make a date. You go out with the woman and forget about Jazelle.
“If that idea doesn’t appeal to you, then you call Jazelle, beg her to forgive you, and confess that you can’t live without her. And if you’re lucky, she’ll give you another chance.”
“You think it’s that simple, huh? Well, it isn’t,” Connor told him then forced himself to bite into the taco.
“Nothing is simple about making a commitment, Connor. Before you ever asked Jazelle for a date, I tried to warn you that she was different. That you ought to stay away from her.”
“Yeah. I remember. I should’ve listened.”
Rolling his eyes, Joseph continued. “When you didn’t heed my warning, I tried to be hopeful. I honestly wanted to think that Jazelle was the woman who could turn your life around. I was wrong. You don’t want to be turned around. And it looks like you don’t want her, either.”
Don’t want her? If I live to be a hundred, I’ll still want her, Connor thought miserably.
“I’m no good, Joe. I don’t have to tell you that.”
Joseph dug another taco out of the paper bag. “You are good, Connor. Once you realize that, you won’t have any problem telling Jazelle you love her.”
Love her? All of Connor’s life, he’d shunned the word, the very thought of caring that much for someone, or having someone care that much for him. Even as a child, he’d never heard the word spoken to him. His father had expressed his love for Connor by comforting him, guiding and sheltering him, but he’d never actually heard the man say I love you, son. Up until he’d met Jazelle, Connor hadn’t really believed he could feel that much emotion. But he did. And trying to deny it wasn’t making it go away.
“I do want her, Joe. I want her and Raine more than you can imagine. But when I get to thinking about the three of us as a family, I get sick with fear. I think about all the mistakes I might make.”
Joe snorted. “You think Tessa and I are perfect? There is no perfect, Connor. Don’t be worrying about the mistakes you might make. You need to concentrate on the one you’re making right now.”
* * *
Later that day, Connor and Joseph were back in their office at Prescott, writing up reports before they finished their shift, when Connor’s cell phone rang.
He started to ignore the call then, deciding it could be important, pulled the phone from his shirt pocket.
Seeing Jazelle’s number on the ID stunned him. Why would she be calling? Was something wrong with her? Or Raine? No, he’d be the last person she’d contact, he decided.
He cleared his throat and punched the accept button. “Hello?”
“Hi, Connor! Do you know who this is?”
All sorts of questions suddenly darted through Connor’s head. “Yes, I do. It’s Raine.”
A mischievous giggle came back at him.
“I got Mommy’s phone when she wasn’t looking. She lets me call Little Joe sometimes, so I know how. I found your number and punched it.”
The sound of Raine’s precious voice brought a lump to Connor’s throat. He’d missed the boy. Very nearly as much as he’d missed Jazelle. “So I see. Uh, does your mommy know you have the phone now?”
“No. She’s doing something with a mop—in the big den. Grandma Reeva said we could go home, but Mommy didn’t want to go home. She says she has to get things ready for visitors.”
“Oh. So you and your mommy are at Three Rivers,” he said then glanced over to Joseph’s desk to see his partner was staring curiously at him. No doubt he was just as surprised as Connor was that Raine had called him.
“Yeah. We’ll probably be here a long time, but that’s okay. Nick is going to let me look at his arrowhead collection. He has bunches of good ones. Him and Hannah find them on the res. Maybe me and you could go there sometime. Hannah’s grandma has chickens. They’re funny, too. They flap their wings and cluck.”
Connor asked, “You’ve been to the res before?”
“Uh-huh. Sometimes when Mommy is in a happy mood, she lets me go there with Nick. But she hasn’t been too happy here lately.”
Connor felt like a hand had shoved its way into his chest and was squeezing every drop of blood from his heart. With everything inside him, he wished he could reach through the phone and hug the child to his breast.
Before Connor could assemble some sort of suitable reply, Raine suddenly announced, “My birthday is gonna be in two days. I’ll be six years old then. Do you know what that means?”
Clueless, Connor answered, “That you’re going to be six.”
More giggles sounded in his ear. “I’m gonna be in first grade! That’s what it means.”
“Oh. First grade. Wow! You’ll be going to big school then.”
“Yeah. Kindergarten was fun, but first grade will be funner. I’ll learn how to read more words and then I can read a book to Mommy. She’ll like that.”
Connor was forced to clear his throat again. “Yes, she’ll like that very much.”
“I’m gonna have a birthday party at the ranch, too,” he said proudly. “Grandma Reeva is making me a giant cake so everyone can have lots to eat. And some orange punch, ’cause orange is my favorite. And guess what? Holt is gonna let me ride a real ranch horse—not just a pony, either. A big horse! Mommy’s worried, but Holt laughed at her. He says the kid is six. He should’ve been riding a big horse three years ago.”
Connor couldn’t help but smile at that. “I’m sure Holt is right. Sounds like you’re going to have lots of fun at your party.”
“Yeah. But it won’t be any fun if you don’t come, too, Connor. Will you?”
Go to Three Rivers and face Jazelle? As soon as he laid eyes on her, he’d want to pull her into his arms. He’d want to pour out his heart and pray that she would understand.
“Uh, you’re inviting me to your party?”
“Yeah! I want you to come! Really bad.”
And Connor wanted to go “really bad,” he suddenly realized. He didn’t want to disappoint this child. Not for any reason. “Then I’ll be there. I promise.”
“Yippee! This is gonna be the best birthday ever!” he practically shouted but suddenly lowered his voice to a hushed tone. “Uh-oh! I think I hear Mommy coming. I gotta put her phone back on the cabinet or I’m gonna be in big trouble. ’Bye, Connor!”
The connection went dead and Connor thoughtfully slipped the phone back into his shirt pocket. Across the room, Joseph poured himself a cup of coffee.
“What was that about?” he asked.
“Raine apparently got his mother’s phone without her knowing and called me. To invite me to his birthday party out at Three Rivers.”
Joseph nodded. “I knew about the party. Little Joe is already talking about going. He loves to play with Raine and the idea of gifts and cake makes the whole event even more exciting.”
Before Jazelle and Raine had come into his life, the subject of kids and birthday parties would’ve bored Connor to tears. Now he felt excluded because Joseph hadn’t shared the information with him. How had this change in him happened?
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