by Shawn Lane
Nick licked his lips and looked away, his stomach twisting. “Sorry. I don’t really know anything about it now that I’m off the case.” He hoped like hell Ray would drop the subject. He’d been having a good time.
“Goddamn fucking cops,” Ray snarled, approaching the railing. “They’re all the same.”
He could not let that pass. He just could not. “Uh, Ray, I’m a cop.”
“Not you.” Ray shook his head dismissively.
“The thing is, Ray, when you say things like ‘all cops are the same,’ you are talking about me.”
Ray eyed him. “This isn’t about you, Nick.”
“Yeah, yeah, it is. I am a police officer. When you say bullshit stuff like all cops are corrupt and the same,” Nick paused, shrugging, “well, it hurts a little.”
“You’re the exception,” Ray insisted. “You’re good, Nick. I know you aren’t corrupt. You aren’t the problem.”
Nick knew he should let it go. Let it stop bothering him. Not let it make him angry. But it did. He couldn’t just dismiss it. And the more he ignored it the more troublesome it would become. “How do you know?”
Ray stared at him, his face still angry. “How do I know what?”
Nick crossed his arms and faced him. “How do you know I’m not corrupt? How do you know I’m not on the take? If you think all police officers are tainted, then why in the world would you trust me?”
Ray frowned. “I just know.”
“Why? Because we’re sleeping together?” Nick demanded. “What if we weren’t, Ray? Would you still believe I wasn’t on the take?”
“Nick.”
He needed to stop. The anger was getting to him. The injustice and the unfairness. But goddamn it, he’d had enough. He plunged ahead, “Really, you’re just like you’re brother, Ray. You think exactly like Devon.”
“No, I don’t.”
“Oh, yeah, you do.” Nick nodded. “You judge all cops the same. You don’t know every fucking police officer out there, but we’re all the same. We can’t be trusted. We always stick together. We cover for each other.” He jabbed a finger at Ray. “You thought I was covering for those assholes that beat the shit out of your brother until you started screwing me.”
“Don’t be crude.”
Nick laughed. It sounded harsh to his own ears. “I don’t cover for anyone, Ray. I respect and protect our citizens. I go out of my way to see that everything is done by the book. I always have. I have integrity and ethics and I want to do right.”
“I know, Nick. I believe that.” Ray pushed Nick’s finger away from his face. “I already said you are exceptional.”
“But I’m not!”
“Stop yelling.”
“This isn’t going to work,” Nick said, his chest suddenly hurting with the intense pounding of his heart. “Prejudice is wrong, Ray. Don’t you see that?”
“Of course.”
“Judging someone by the color of their skin is wrong, but so is judging someone by their uniform.”
Ray backed up a step. “Don’t you dare lecture me about prejudice, Nick. You have no idea. No clue what it’s really like.”
His stomach lurched, twisted. He shook his head. “You think a good police officer is an exception. I think cops like the ones that beat Devon are the exception. Can’t you see how that’s not going to work?”
“What? What isn’t going to work?”
“Us. Do you know who my friends are?” Nick asked. “Police officers. We can never have a barbecue with my friends because I’d always think you’d hate them. And your family…I’d always be worried they hated me or were going to say something to me.”
“No, they wouldn’t. I’d make sure of it, Nick.”
“You shouldn’t have to make sure. Don’t you see? We can’t do this. There are just too many differences.”
“No.” Ray stepped forward again and took a closer step toward him. “Look, you’re just upset. I came out here all grouchy and I’m sorry.”
Nick turned away. “It shouldn’t be this hard. Trying to have a relationship shouldn’t be this hard.”
Ray touched his arm and turned him to face him. “What are you saying, Nick? Sometimes things get tough. You have to work through them.”
“No.” Nick shook his head. “I know normal couples have problems. But not like this. We have nothing in common, Ray. The sex is awesome. But hot sex isn’t worth this crap. Love shouldn’t be this damn hard. And if it is, it’s because it’s not meant to be. It’s just like that boyfriend you had in college. We’re forcing it.”
Ray stiffened, looking almost like Nick had slapped him.
“I like being a cop. I like it. I like my cop friends. I like doing things with them, being with them. The camaraderie. I’d do anything for most of them and they’d do anything for me. And I won’t be ashamed of my service as a police officer, Ray. And I’m through feeling like I have to apologize for it.”
Ray grew very quiet and just stared at him for the longest time. His dark eyes were shuttered, displaying no hint to what he was feeling or thinking. Finally, when Nick almost spoke again, he nodded and said very softly, “All right. If that’s the way you really feel about things, I guess I can’t argue with you. I was hoping we had maybe more than hot sex, but apparently I deluded myself.”
Nick opened his mouth to say something, but the words lodged in his throat. Ray turned toward the house.
“I’m sure you’ll want to leave now. I’ll get my car keys and drive you to a rental car place, seeing how your car is in the shop.”
“I…I could call a cab,” Nick said, his voice stripped raw.
“No, I can drive you. Meet me out front. I’ll be there in a few minutes.”
* * * *
“Do you want me to drive him to the rental car place?” Harold asked him as Ray approached the front door clutching his car keys. He wasn’t surprised Harold knew what was going on. The man and his wife had always been efficient.
Ray nearly said yes. It would be easier not to have to face Nick again. Just have Harold take care of it. Cowardly, too. Ray was no coward. He shook his head. “No. Thanks, Harold. It’s best I do this myself.”
He opened the front door and stepped outside. Nick stood by Ray’s car, looking out at the street. He was so damn beautiful it hurt to look at him. Ray rubbed his chest. He could get through this. He’d taken a chance and it didn’t work out. He just wished he’d stop choosing guys who didn’t feel the same way as he did. Maybe it was him. Was he so horrible? Too impossible to love?
Ray made his legs carry him to the car. He clicked the button for the automatic locks. Without looking at him, Nick opened the passenger door and sat down. Ray got in and started the car.
They drove the few blocks to the rental place in silence. Ray didn’t feel the need to make small talk with the man who was crushing him under his feet. And what else was there to say about their relationship? Nick felt like he was being forced to make it work with Ray. Enough said.
He pulled into the parking lot and stopped near the entrance. Nick’s hand hesitated on the door handle. Out of the corner of his eye, Ray saw Nick bite his lip and glance in Ray’s direction. Ray kept his gaze straight ahead.
“Listen, Ray, I…thanks for everything,” Nick said softly.
“Sure.”
Nick turned the handle. “I-I’m sorry.”
Ray swallowed. He couldn’t turn to look at him. If Ray did, he would resort to begging. He couldn’t disrespect himself like that. “Yeah. See you.”
Nick stepped out of the car and closed the door. Ray drove away without looking to see if Nick went inside the building. He had to get away. It would be impossible to hold himself together much longer.
A block away his cell chirped. His brother, Devon. He grabbed up his headset and connected. “Hello?”
“Where are you?”
“I’m in my car. Driving home from the rental car place.”
“Rental? You have problems with your car
?”
“No. Nick’s car broke down.” Ray grimaced. It hurt to say his name.
“Listen, I’m sorry about last night. I guess I had a little too much to drink,” Devon said.
“Yeah, you did.”
“I was a real asshole. I’m sorry. I know your boyfriend didn’t have anything to do with what happened to me.”
“He’s not.” Ray’s throat clogged with emotion.
“He’s not what?”
“My boyfriend. It’s over. We aren’t seeing each other anymore.”
“Whoa, is that my fault?”
Ray wished he could blame it on his brother. But the truth was it went way deeper than Devon’s performance last night at his parents’ home. Nick didn’t care about Ray the way Ray cared about him. If he did, he would have wanted to find a way to get past their differences. Even celebrate them. Nick had touched on it a bit with the wine and beer and that had given Ray hope. They didn’t have to like the same things, think the same way. It was okay to be different. Now, he knew he’d had it all wrong.
“No, it’s mostly mine. I thought we really had something going, you know. But Nick didn’t.”
“Sorry, man.”
“Yeah. I’ll call you later in the week. I’ll call Mom and Dad, too. Tell them I’m sorry about last night. I guess I should have stayed at the party.” He’d thought he was doing the right thing, sticking by his man. “Bye, Devon.”
* * * *
Nick walked into the station the next morning ten minutes late. He had barely slept the night before, the fight he’d had with Ray playing over and over in his head. The look on Ray’s face as he walked away at the rental place. He went directly to the small kitchen where the coffee pot was kept.
“Sorenson, in my office now,” Captain Kent yelled, sticking his head out of his office.
Nick frowned and set his coffee mug down. He glanced at a few of the other detectives seated at their desks, but they weren’t looking at him. In fact, it appeared to Nick they avoided his gaze on purpose. Something was up. His stomach twisted in knots.
He knocked.
“Come in.”
He opened the door, walked in, and closed it again. “You wanted to see me, sir?”
“Sit down, Sorenson.”
Nick sat in the uncomfortable metal chair in front of his desk.
Kent sighed. “I’m a man of few words, Nick. I don’t believe in beating around the bush. Turn over your badge and gun.”
“What?” Nick felt his face drain of color.
“As of now you are on paid suspension. Headquarters knows about your…relationship with Ray Carmichael. It doesn’t look good for the force, Nick. It’s compromising the investigation into the alleged beating of Devon Carmichael.”
“But, I’m not on the case.”
Kent shrugged. “You’re still IA. If you’d come to me and told me what you were doing, I might have been able to help. But now others have reported your behavior. You were seen going to the Carmichael family home. And you’ve spent a lot of time with Dr. Carmichael.”
A sense of dread filled him. Were those assholes who’d hassled them at the bar behind this? “Seen? Has Internal Affairs been following me?”
Captain Kent shifted. “Look, Nick, even if you weren’t on my team, they would have sought your suspension. It doesn’t look good for us. The Carmichael case is all over the press and they’re eating this up. Dr. Carmichael is running on a platform of doing away with police corruption and you’re suddenly his boyfriend? It looks like he’s got an insider on the force. Frankly, a lot of the guys aren’t going to be too friendly with you right now. It’s probably best you take some time off.” He paused. “Be grateful it’s paid. I had to fight for that. Your badge and gun, please.”
Nick reached for his gun, removed it from the holster, and set it down carefully on the desk. He tossed his badge next to it. He fought the queasiness threatening. He thought about mentioning that he and Ray were through, but the words…the thought…stuck in his throat.
“You should be hearing from the union rep about next steps.”
“How long will it be?”
“Not sure. They’ll have to do a full investigation. Your union rep can help. Sorry, I wish it could be different.”
Nick nodded and stood. His gun and badge blurred before his eyes. He nodded again, realized he probably looked like a fool, and turned and left the captain’s office.
This time the other detectives sitting around the squad room didn’t look away. They gave him undisguised hostile looks. He knew the score. He was a traitor to the force now as far as they were concerned. He was sleeping with the enemy.
No, not anymore.
His life was majorly fucked up.
Chapter 8
Nick sat on his beat up old couch in front of his normal-sized television watching daytime television. He’d gotten so used to being at Ray’s house his apartment seemed even shabbier and lonelier than ever. Ever since losing his job…okay, being on suspension…he seemed to have done nothing but watch television for two weeks straight. He had little enthusiasm for anything else. A couple of days he’d gone over to help at the mission, but he’d stayed away from the Big Brother program. Too many of his fellow police officers were involved. It was too painful. Of course, guilt ate at him for weaseling out of it.
He was pathetic. No job, no boyfriend.
Coming up next was a soap opera he’d been watching. He had gotten real acquainted with game shows, talk shows, judge shows, and soaps. He closed his eyes and tried to push away the wave of misery creeping in.
He’d talked to his union representative and the news didn’t sound promising. His rep said he could lose his job. The idea of no longer being a police officer had never before occurred to him. Now, he thought about little else.
Well, that wasn’t true. He thought about Ray. Constantly. He hated the way it had ended. Hated that it had ended at all, actually. And it was all his fault. Yeah, he was smarting over the way Ray viewed the police, but he’d overreacted and lashed out. So many times he wanted to pick up the phone and call Ray or even go see him. But what could he say? Sorry didn’t seem enough.
Nick jumped when a loud knock sounded on his front door. Fuck, now he was jumpy. He got up and opened the door.
“Hello, Nick,” Devon Carmichael greeted him.
Nick stared, his tired brain unable to figure out why this man would be here.
Devon frowned. “Man, you reek. When was the last time you showered?”
“I-I don’t know,” Nick admitted. He realized he hadn’t bothered in several days. He probably looked like hell. “Do you want to come in?”
“Yes, I want to talk to you about Ray.”
“Ray?” He stood aside and let Devon in. “Is he all right?”
Devon looked around with undisguised horror. “Was this place ransacked?”
“Um, no.” Nick felt his face grow hot. He reached over and switched on a lamp. “Is Ray okay?”
“No, but looks like he’s doing better than you.” Devon frowned. “I tried contacting you at the police station. They said you’d been suspended.”
Nick swallowed. “Yes. Over my involvement with Ray and your family.”
“I heard. I’m sorry. I never meant that to happen.”
“Thanks. I guess I should have considered how it would look, but the truth is, I really liked Ray, so I just didn’t think about it.” Stupid.
Devon nodded. “Listen, that’s why I’m here.” He looked around and his gaze landed on the dining room table and chairs. “Is it safe to sit down?”
“Yeah, sorry. I’m never much of a housekeeper, but the last two weeks have been hell.” Nick went to the dining room and cleaned papers, mail and other clutter off chairs. They both sat.
“I wanted to apologize for the way I treated you,” Devon said. “I was angry at how things didn’t seem to be moving forward. I knew you weren’t involved.” He sighed. “Honestly, Nick, I know that not all cops are b
ad. Even though I didn’t do anything to deserve the beating I got, I know it’s not all cops and I know you probably weren’t trying to stall anything or cover anything up.”
“Really?”
“Yeah. I’m not saying changes in the police don’t have to be made, but I do know you aren’t part of the problem. Ray knows it, too. And about Ray, if what I said on that night caused you to end things with him, well, I’m more sorry than you can know. I love my brother. He’s the best older brother anyone could have. It took me a long time to accept it when he told us he was gay, but I did accept it and I want him to be happy.”
“Me, too,” Nick whispered. “I miss him.”
Devon smiled. “Yeah? That’s good to know. He really likes you, Nick. I’ve never seen him this hung up on a guy before. Your breakup has hurt him badly. That’s why I’m here. I don’t know what your issues are, what the problem is, but if it was my fault, I want you to know I’d be happy for the two of you to be together. I’ll really try to accept things. If that isn’t the problem, well, I don’t know what it is, but maybe you can try to work it out?”
Nick looked away from his piercing gaze. “I don’t know. I said some pretty brutal things.” His stomach flipped. He was feeling queasy again.
Devon stood. “I’ve taken up enough of your time. But think about it, will you?”
* * * *
Nick stood in front of Ray’s front door and wondered if he should turn and get back into the car and drive away. This was turning out to be harder than he even thought. What if Ray told him to get lost? He might have decided they had too many differences after all. The only way to know, he guessed, was to knock.
At least he felt better for having showered and shaved. He’d even cleaned up his apartment. It was more than past time he got his act together. He rapped on the door.
Harold opened the door a few moments later. He looked surprised. “Nick?”
“Yeah. Is Ray home, Harold?”
“He is.” Harold let him in. “Should I go get him? He’s in the living room.”
“No.” Nick licked his lips. “I’ll go. Thanks.”
He walked down the hall toward Ray’s living room. He reached the doorway and peered in. Ray was at his desk on the phone, writing something down.