Nat gasped.
“I’ve never seen that look on his face before. They had a huge fight, broke up, and we didn’t hear from her again until we found out she was pregnant. By then we also found out she was hooked on everything under the sun, made easy by yours truly, considering I paid her off to keep her mouth shut.”
We sent her into rehab. Our little boy, whom I never met, went to his grandma’s. The next we heard from her, she was released from rehab and sounded really happy. I apologized again and told her how sorry I was. She and Demetri talked on the phone and got in a fight. She, um… She went to pick up Benjamin and was hit in a head on collision. She went the wrong way on the freeway.”
Nat closed her eyes. Her voice shook as she spoke, “So the canceled concert tour this year? The time off?”
“Grief counseling and addiction.”
“Addiction?”
“Not me, Nat.” I bit my lip. “I don’t touch the stuff. I don’t touch anything. It ruined a part of me that I don’t think I’ll ever get back. The addiction? That would be my brother’s. Also my fault.”
“He makes his own choices. It’s not your fault.” Why the hell was she defending me?
I laughed bitterly, “Yeah, I think it is, Nat. It was all me. I was the partier, the wild one. I never got in trouble. I never had any consequences. Somehow, I got lucky, and for some reason I never felt addicted. I just liked the feeling drugs gave me. That was not the case with Demetri.”
“Is he on drugs now?”
“I don’t know. He’s drinking heavily again, that much is clear. Nat…” I licked my lips. “You don’t have to stay. You can go.” I was trying like hell to hold back tears. “I kill everything I touch. It’s like I’m poison.”
“No!” She reached for me but I jerked back. I didn’t want to taint her, to bring black to what was so white. She reached for me again and pulled my body into her arms, the console kept us from being closer. Which was probably a good thing considering I would have sobbed in her lap like a baby had I had the opportunity to actually make it to her side of the car.
“Alec, look at me.” I choked tears back, fought with every shred of dignity I had to keep from losing my shit, “What you did was messed up. I’m not going to deny it. Nor am I going to say that I’m not seriously tempted to jump out of this car and run away from you, but I love you. I love who you are now. The man you are now. If those things wouldn’t have happened to you, who knows where you would be?”
My entire body trembled. “Nat, you have to know. I’m not that guy anymore. I don’t even know who that guy was, I just—”
Her kiss was forceful and pleading. Nat wrapped her hands around my shoulders, jerking me closer to her. My tongue reached out, licking her lower lip then dove slowly into her mouth. Her taste was an addiction in and of itself — if I was being completely honest, just being with her made everything fade into the darkness. I was able to store the pain, because she made me feel like it didn’t exist. I was desperate for her.
“Nat—” I groaned against her mouth, my hands gripping her shoulders as I pushed her tenderly away. “I love you so much, you know that right? I would never do anything to hurt you.”
“I know.”
Rain began to fall, sounding like a loud applause. Good timing. Nat smirked. “Race you to the house?”
That was it. After everything, she was going to forgive me? Love me? It was too good to be true. I instantly relaxed. “Yeah, Nat, race you to the house.”
She beat me. Then again I let her. It wasn’t about winning; hell I’d already won.
When I reached her, I started laughing; she looked like a drowned rat. Drenched from head to toe, she leaned towards me. I traced her face with my fingers. “You’re so beautiful, Nat.”
She winked then rose to her tiptoes expectantly. Mine. She was finally mine. I chuckled and lifted her off the ground for a kiss and crushed my lips against her mouth.
“Get a room or something,” Demetri grumbled pushing past us, he wasn’t even walking in a straight line.
Shit! I set Nat on her feet and reached for my brother. He wasn’t well. Not at all. “Where the hell do you think you’re going?”
“Out!” Demetri stumbled to his car and threw open the door. The wind picked up, whipping it across my face.
“The hell you are!” I ran toward the car and tried to jerk the door open, but Demetri locked the doors and slammed the car into drive. “Demetri! Don’t!” I yelled so much my voice was hoarse.
The Mercedes peeled out of the driveway and took off, almost hitting a few mailboxes on the way.
“Damn it!” Panicked, I kicked the ground then ran to my side of the SUV and quickly jumped in. “Get in, Nat.”
She didn’t need to be told twice.
I only had an idea of the direction he went. I didn’t want to call him, lest he be idiot enough to answer it and actually get himself killed.
“Stupid! Why is he so stupid?” I slammed the steering wheel. “I want to hate him! Damn it!” Sirens blared in the distance.
I didn’t make the connection.
Minutes later, we pulled around the corner.
“Alec, pull over!”
“I can’t, Nat! I have to find Demetri, I have to—” The words died on my lips as my eyes fell on the accident ahead of us.
My world tilted, fell off its little pedestal, and shattered.
I’d just killed someone.
But not just anyone.
My brother.
“No.” I shook my head and pulled into a spot across the street. “No.” I slammed the car door and ran at top speed towards the paramedics as they carried the stretcher to the ambulance. Blood was everywhere. Demetri moaned. I started cussing and pushing at the cops as they pulled me away from a paramedic. Holy shit I was going to punch the guy if he didn’t let me see Demetri.
I fought against the cops for what felt like hours as someone pushed against Demetri’s chest.
More blood.
My knees gave way. I kept shouting but it was like I was watching myself react, not actually experiencing it.
Nat wrapped her arms around my waist, and then I saw Mrs. Murray. She hugged me too and I burst into tears.
“Are you his brother?” one of the paramedics asked.
“Yes,” Nat answered for me.
“If you’re riding with us, we need to go now.” He jumped into the ambulance. I looked to Nat as if waiting for her permission.
“Go!” She pushed me towards the doors. “We’ll follow.”
I was relieved she was able to make the decision for me. I tossed her my keys and prayed Demetri would be okay as I watched the paramedics work on him — doing things I didn’t understand, keeping him alive.
The one thing I’d failed to do.
Keep him alive.
When we got to the hospital they had already been notified, they moved Demetri into a surgical room. I tried to follow but was again restrained.
A man I’d seen once in my life — Mrs. Murray’s husband, took one look at me then one look at Demetri and yelled. “I’m scrubbing in.”
“You’ve been up for twenty-four hours,” a man shouted.
“I’m scrubbing in. Don’t make me repeat myself.”
“Yes Doctor,” the same man yelled back.
Mr. Murray gripped my shoulders. “It’s going to be fine. Alright? It’s fine. You need to be strong, can you do that?”
I nodded, feeling a bit sick.
“Water.” He pointed to the waiting room. “Go get some water and sit down.”
Legs shaking, I walked over to the waiting room, just in time to see Nat fly by me and fall into her dad’s arms sobbing.
“Don’t let him die, just don’t let him…” She fell to the ground. Her dad nodded and ran off in the direction of the room.
“Nat?” Her mom helped her to her feet and then my arms were around her. She rubbed my back, my neck, and just held me. It was what I needed. It was my sanity during tho
se moments.
After we held each other for a few minutes, I whispered in a shaky voice. “We should go sit down.”
Nat nodded.
Shit. Just another reason for her to hate me, for me to hate me.
I trained my eyes on the door. On the other side of that door my brother was fighting for his life, so I tried to give him strength in the only way I knew how. By not crying, but not freaking out, and by waiting… patiently like Dr. Murray had said to do.
“He’s going to be okay.” Nat squeezed my hand; I barely felt it.
“Alec,” Nat asked, “Is there anyone I need to call?”
Slowly, I shook my head, “I don’t know, I can’t think right now…”
“Your manager? Agent? Someone to handle the media?”
“Crap.” I looked away from the doors. “Nat, I don’t think I can do it, I can’t—” My voice cracked.
“Give me your phone.” She held out her hand.
I dug into my pocket and handed her the phone. I told her my agent’s name, my publicist’s name, everything. She called and I listened to her tell them the story, repeating it three times before finally pressing end.
When she was finished, some of the anxiety lifted. Nat hugged me and gripped my hand tighter. “Is there anything else I can do?”
I relaxed a bit and offered a pathetic smile. “Honestly Nat, you’ve gone above and beyond the call of duty. Just sit by me. That helps.” It was the only thing that helped. The only thing that was keeping me from falling to the ground and weeping.
“I love you.”
I couldn’t find my voice for a few seconds and when I did, I used the last strength I possessed to whisper, “I love you too, Nat.”
CHAPTER THIRTY-THREE
Alec
THE NEXT TWO hours passed in a blur. Finally, Dr. Murray came out of the operating room and gave us good news.
But it fell on deaf ears.
I was relieved.
But the guilt still remained.
“It’s my fault.” Nat whispered when her dad walked away.
“No.” I jerked away from her and glared. “Don’t even think about blaming yourself for this! We all go through crap, Nat. That’s life. It’s how you react to it that defines the person you grow into.”
“Wise words from a nineteen year old. I wonder if you listen to your own advice?”
Ah, well played. I was completely caught.
“My situation is different, believe me. What I did, it was unforgiveable. I’m lucky my brother still talks to me.”
“It’s not different,” she argued.
“The hell it isn’t!” I yelled, finally losing complete control of my emotions.
“Fine,” Nat snapped. “How is it different? How is what you did any different?”
“I caused this!” I bolted from my seat and began pacing in front of her. “Do you even know the type of guy Demetri was before all this? Innocent little virgin who wouldn’t even touch alcohol if someone paid him to! I protected him from everything and—”
I stopped talking, I couldn’t… I just couldn’t.
“You sheltered him so much that he never learned how to deal with stuff on his own,” Nat spoke softly though her voice held an air of authority I hadn’t heard from her before. “Alec—” She got up and walked towards me. “You were the older brother. Yes, it was your job to protect him. But…” She shrugged. “Sometimes you gotta let people take the hit. How do you think a quarterback learns how to deal with the fear of getting hit?”
I snorted and looked away. Damn smart metaphor. “He gets the crap beat out of him at practice.”
“Exactly.” She reached up and lightly brushed my forehead. “Alec, you tried to protect Demetri from everything, and the minute things took a turn for the worse, how did he cope with it?”
“He didn’t.” Hell, did he even KNOW the meaning of the word. Oh right. Coping to him was another word for weed.
“So, then you tried harder, you changed your whole life, you coddled him even more, removed him from your old lifestyle, put him in counseling, tried to fix him, and then something else happened, and what was his reaction?”
I sighed in defeat. “The same as before, only this time he nearly killed himself.”
“Alright then.” Nat wrapped her hands around my neck, pulling my head closer to hers. “I know I’m not perfect and we both know you aren’t.”
I laughed out loud. Scaring the shit out of myself. How could I go from being ready to fall to pieces to laughing? Oh, right because I had Nat and she was a freaking angel. Never. Letting. Her. Go. Ever. Never. Ever.
“But, Demetri needs to grow up. He needs to learn, and hopefully this will be the start of that.”
Alec sighed. “You’re right.”
“I’m what?” She sounded genuinely shocked.
Glaring, I pushed her away and laughed again. “Don’t push it, Nat.”
“Alec?” A small nurse approached. “You can see your brother now. He’s in ICU, but he’s stable. I’m sure the doctor has informed you that he’s in a medically induced coma, but you can still talk to him.”
I clenched Nat’s hand.
“Sorry.” The nurse looked between us. “Family only.”
“She is family.” My teeth ground together.
The nurse didn’t look convinced. I cleared my throat. “She’s my fiancé.” And again with probably freaking Nat out.
Nat leaned into me, totally selling it.
The nurse nodded though her eyes narrowed in on Nat’s hand. I hid it under mine. “Okay, this way.”
CHAPTER THIRTY-FOUR
Demetri
I WAS DYING. No seriously. Dying. I knew I was dying because I could have sworn I saw a swirly light. Hey at least it wasn’t a swirly devil, things could be way worse right?
Right?
My chest hurt.
My back hurt.
My lungs hurt. Why the hell did everything hurt so bad? Wasn’t death supposed to feel good? Wasn’t it supposed to fix everything?
I couldn’t move my hands or legs. I felt, paralyzed, like someone had drugged my body but left my mind on full alert. Something pinched me on the arm. Shit! I tried to open my mouth but when I told my mouth to open, nothing happened.
I couldn’t even scream.
And for the first time — since I was a little kid, I wanted very badly to scream. I also wanted to cry but I didn’t know why I wanted to cry. I just knew that I was sad and that if Alec were here I would tell him I was sorry.
If Nat were here. I would tell her I still loved her. But I wouldn’t interfere anymore.
But I existed nowhere. Was I alive? Dead? Floating?
Something else flashed in front of my eyes like a light.
And then I heard voices.
“Clear!”
Clear? Isn’t that what they did to people when they were on the operating table?
“He’s flat lining.”
“Clear!”
More pain.
Flat lining? I willed my body to live. I used every ounce of strength I had and told my heart to keep beating. Not because I deserved life but because Alec didn’t deserve my death. It would ruin him, it would destroy him, it would kill Nat.
NO!
More pain in my chest.
Beat damn it!
Then total darkness.
I knew I was alive because I floated in and out of consciousness. I saw colors fade in front of me and then my eyes got really heavy. They were moving me somewhere. Something was stuck down my throat.
I got sleepy again.
More voices interrupted a really good dream about surfing. I tried to open my eyes but they were too heavy.
“Talk to him,” a voice said, “It will help.”
“O-okay.” It was Nat.
Her voice was so pretty.
I could listen to it all day.
“Hamlet.” Nat cleared her throat.
WHAT? Was she going to read me my homework? For r
eal? Holy shit! I WAS IN HELL!
My body rebelled. I tried to move.
Nat just kept talking, in that weird Shakespearean language that made me seriously doubt the man’s sanity when he was writing.
Nat kept speaking. Oh hell she was using voices.
Huh, I wondered, in that moment, if this was my penance. If God really was the type of God that would punish a person in such a cruel way.
She read for hours.
She came back every day.
She read. The. Whole. Damn. Story.
When I woke up, not if, but when, I was going to burn all things Hamlet. I was going on Shakespeare strike. I would write a song about it. Swear.
I heard hushed voices again, and then Nat touched my arm. I tried to wiggle my fingers, but they wouldn’t listen to me.
“Your brother told everyone I was his fiancé.” Nat was tickling my arm something fierce. Must. Stop. The. Tickling. “It was the only way they would let me see you.” That was nice of him, to do that, so she could see me. Alec knew me too well. I wanted Nat here. Yeah I’d screwed things over with her. But honestly, I’d take her friendship any day. She was probably the only person who would put up with me at this point. You know you have a good friend when you treat them like crap and they still hold your hand, or in Nat’s case, tickle the crap out of you — which of course is just made worse when you can’t laugh!
“Trust me, I could have taken that tiny nurse. We all know how strong I am.” Nat boasted. “Alec also told me that you used to pee the bed when you were little and that you were scared of birds until you reached the age of twelve.”
Holy shit! And the worst nurse EVER award goes to Nat! Um, hello, deathbed? And every little kid is afraid of something. Alec swore he’d take that to his grave. Epic fail.
Nat laughed.
I liked hearing her laugh. I was tired of hearing her cry, seeing her tears, okay so maybe if it was at my expense that was okay.
“Naturally, I thought the best way to get you out of your drug-induced state was to threaten you. So, I rented the movie The Birds, and if you don’t come out of your coma I’m just going to keep playing it over and over again until you wake up.”
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