by Anthology
I walked home in a haze of confusion. Forget Alec confusing me. Demetri took the cake in that arena. My heart felt sick, the kind of sick you get when you don't know whether you want to throw up or go lie down and have a good cry. I stumbled up the stairs to my room and lay down on my bed. After a few minutes my eyes felt heavy. I allowed myself to succumb to the darkness, which was really the problem in the first place, wasn't it? I allowed myself to succumb — to everything.
Chapter Twenty
Sunday came and went with nothing exciting to report other than the fact that my heart felt like lead, and every time I texted Demetri he refused to answer me. Odd, because he had always been really good about getting back to me when I chatted. But he was teaching, so it was possible he was super busy.
Later that night I was so viciously bored, considering my ultra-expensive phone wasn't buzzing at me, that I turned on TV.
Rumor has it that the D in band AD2 has been seen sneaking around town with someone other than his girlfriend. Our sources tell us that Anjelica Greene was spotted leaving the star's hotel room in the wee hours of the morning this morning with a very satisfied grin on that picture perfect face. Has the rock star dumped the local hottie? Stay tuned to find out!
What. The. Hell.
I threw the remote onto the couch and ran over to the guys' house. I lifted my hand to bang on the door when it suddenly flew open, revealing a very shirtless Alec. Well, no one ever said life was fair, or easy, or awesome.
"What the heck is his problem!" I roared, stomping into the house like a woman on the edge.
"Good evening to you too," Alec muttered behind me.
I ignored him. "First he's all trying to take advantage of me at your house, then spouting nonsense about you and me, and then…" I began to feel hysterical. "He said that he wanted to be first. Of course, that was after his second attempt at getting me out of my dress and into his bed, and then he wouldn't let me go, and then he got all weird and I saw pills and freaked. It was like he was saying goodbye. More like, Sorry Nat, but I'm gonna go screw some movie star instead!" I felt tears coming on but fought them back, allowing my anger to take over. "I've been heart-broken for almost forty-eight hours thinking I've done something tragic to him and he's, he's—"
"Nat," Alec interrupted, his voice severe. "Stop."
"No!" I whipped around and charged toward him, finally poking him in the chest. "You don't get to tell me what to do! You rejected me! Twice — wait, three times!"
Alec rolled his eyes. "Listen, Nat. As much as I'd love to sit here and listen to you complain about my brother's shitty decisions and lack of love for you, I'd rather not. Everything he's done has been for you, and you repay him by coming over here and talking shit? Really?"
"How is him cheating on me doing me a favor? Because I'm dying to know. This ought to be good." I crossed my arms and waited, finally allowing a tear to run down my cheek. I quickly wiped it away and broke eye contact, choosing to look at my Converse rather than Alec's shirtless perfection.
"It's complicated."
My head snapped up. "Of course it is. It's always complicated with you two, and you never tell me why! I don't know why you're here, I don't know why you chose my mom out of all people to see, and I don't know why you have the same stupid tattoo!"
"Get out," Alec snapped, pulling my arm.
"I didn't mean it was stupid, just that—"
"Out." Alec gently pushed me out his door and leaned against the frame. "Nat, go home. We should never have involved you in the first place."
"What are you saying?" I felt my lower lip quiver.
"I'm saying goodbye."
"You're shutting me out," I said numbly, not allowing my heart to believe that I had successfully lost the two boys I loved in the course of a weekend.
He closed his eyes while he whispered, "Family comes first."
"And I'm not family."
Silence.
"Right." I choked back a sob and ran back to my house.
I didn't know that I had been crying so loud. My mom pounded on my door and finally I opened it, probably looking like some crazy person with mascara-stained cheeks.
"Oh, Baby!" She embraced me and I cried even harder.
"What's wrong, Sweetie?"
Sweetie? Baby? She never said those things to me. I wanted to tense up, to recoil and pull back, this wasn't familiar for me, but I needed her comfort so much that I didn't care. I just wanted to be loved, by someone.
"Boys are so stupid." I shivered and wiped my nose with the sleeve of my sweatshirt.
Mom sighed. "Any boys in particular giving you grief?"
I nodded.
"Would these boys be my clients?"
I nodded again.
"Natalee." Mom's grip tightened on my arm as she held me cradled next to her body. "Those boys aren't normal."
"No crap, Mom."
Mom tensed next to me. "No, Nat, not like that. I mean they're so much more than they seem. Life has dealt them some pretty screwed up situations. They stick together because they're all they have. Does that make sense?"
"No." Well, kind of, but I was angry so I said no anyways.
Mom pushed back my hair and kissed me on the forehead. Seriously, someone beam me back to the planet, this was so foreign. "A year ago, they were dealt a very hard blow. The fact that they were able to even pull out of it is astonishing both to me and to everyone else who knows."
"Knows? As in, you know?"
"Confidentiality, Natalee," she reminded me.
I sighed.
"Anyway, I imagine if any of this involves you, then a grand dose of fear is also involved, and when you allow fear to rule your emotions and your choices, well, you end up pushing away those you love most."
I knew it well. Oh, how I knew it. I pushed my mom away, afraid that if I allowed myself to be attached that she would constantly reject me, because it seemed like she always did. But did she? Or did she just assume I was really happy and leave me alone to figure my own stuff out?
"I'm confused, my head hurts," I complained.
Mom laughed. "Why don't we go make some dinner?"
"We?" I repeated, my voice absolutely deadpan with sarcasm.
"I canceled the rest of the night."
I pulled away from her and looked into her tired eyes. "May I ask why?"
"One of your confused boys asked me to."
"Oh."
"Yeah, oh." She lifted an eyebrow. "Natalee, Sweetie, I didn't know."
I got up and tried to ignore the feeling of guilt and anger that washed over me. "What are you talking about?"
"I thought you were happy. If I would have known you wanted more, Honey, I would have given it to you. You're just always so closed off I thought you didn't need me, or anyone for that matter."
A sob erupted from my throat before I could stop it. I fell to my knees on the floor, my body violently shook from years of grief kept inside.
"Oh, Honey!" Mom swept down next to me and pulled me into her lap, rocking me back and forth like she did when I was little. "I'm so sorry! Can you forgive me? Oh sweetie, I'm so sorry!"
I nodded, but the tears wouldn't stop. Geez, you'd think someone really was dying.
By the time I stopped crying it was near midnight. We made a late night pizza and put on a movie. Just my mom and me. She promised she would try harder as long as I didn't push her away and put on the I'm fine and independent face. My dad wasn't due home tonight because of a late surgery, but mom promised she would talk to him when she could.
I went to sleep for the first time in years feeling like my parents cared, that they actually saw me. No longer was I invisible, and even though the rejection from both Alec and Demetri hurt, I felt confident. For the first time I was confident.
Apparently having a parent show affection did something to a person, because when I closed my eyes after crying all those tears and severely dehydrating myself, I fell asleep with a smile on my face.
****
I forced myself to expel their images from my mind, which of course meant that when I drove to school every radio station in the known universe was playing their songs. I flipped off the radio then passed a store that just happened to have their faces splashed across the windows.
Basically, I was ready to scream by the time I arrived at the school. I slammed my truck door and marched through the front doors, only to be met by mocking stares and smirks from the student body. Does nobody read anymore?
Alesha was by my locker. "Oh, my gosh, Nat! I'm so sorry about Demetri, do you need anything?" She touched my arm. I flinched.
"Nope, I'm fine. We're fine," I said through clenched teeth even though he still hadn't texted me back or answered my frantic calls. "It's just celebrity gossip, you know how that goes."
She nodded her head. "Yeah, of course. Well okay, I'm gonna go to class."
Did I mention that I can't lie to save my life?
I opened my locker and briefly contemplated attempting to climb into it, but it was twenty sizes too small, meaning I would have to become a contortionist in order to pull it off, and even then it would be uncomfortable. The bell rang. With a moan I put my head inside the locker, cursing all men for their inability to keep it in their pants and communicate like normal humans.
"Rough night?" Alec said behind me.
I flipped around so fast that my face came into contact with the metal door. It caught my lip, don't ask me how. "Ouch!"
"Damn it, Nat! Could you try not to trip or hurt yourself at least once?"
I glared as I patted my lip, blood trickling down my finger, "Yeah, because I like being hurt and making a complete fool out of myself."
Whoa, double meaning.
We both stood there glaring at one another. Finally, Alec rolled his eyes and grabbed my hand, pulling me toward the women's restroom.
"Alec, what are you—"
He pushed through the doors dragging me behind him. "Everyone decent?"
No answer.
He kicked open all the stall doors then went to the sink and wet a paper towel.
"Alec, you can't just—"
"Stop. Talking." He held up the paper towel to my cut. I flinched from the sting of the water hitting the open wound and tried to pull back, but his grip on my chin kept me firmly in place. "What am I going to do with you, Nat?"
"Is that a rhetorical question," I mumbled as he wiped away the blood.
"Not anymore." He shook his head, a small smile playing at the corner of his lips.
"I don't know." I sighed. "But I'm going to be late for class."
"I got it."
"You got it?" I lifted an eyebrow. "As in, you got the teacher in your pocket, or you're going to tell them I got in a fight with the locker and lost?"
"Just don't worry about it."
"Good to know you're still as confusing as ever."
"Why, Nat, was that a compliment?"
My teeth clenched.
He chuckled and threw the paper towel away. "All better. Come on."
And again I was getting dragged through the hallways like a little kid on her first day of school. We reached my class and Alec literally pushed me through the door.
Every head in the classroom turned in our direction.
"I'll be sitting in on this one, Mr. Smith," Alec said, guiding me to the back of the room toward two empty seats.
"I don't need a babysitter," I snapped once we took our seats.
"Obviously." His eyes flickered to my cut lip.
I looked away and closed my eyes in annoyance. He was still acting like he was extremely offended by my presence, so why did he help me when I was hurt? I looked at him from the corner of my eye. He appeared to be genuinely interested in what the teacher was saying, his concentration was intense.
I kept my gaze on him, not hearing a word the teacher said. His chin was set in a firm line as if he was clenching his teeth but didn't even realize he was doing it. The muscles flexed in his jaw. I was captivated as I watched his skin ripple down his neck. Black hair fell over his face, his long eyelashes blinking against his high cheekbones. He was so different than Demetri. So dark, and yes, still brooding. My eyes fell to his muscled arms now tucked beneath one another making him look more cut than usual. His feet were crossed at the ankles and his legs stretched out in front of him.
I wasn't sure how long I stared at him, but it felt like minutes when the bell rang, ushering us out of the room and into second period.
"Nat, you should probably be less obvious next time."
"Next time?" I repeated breathlessly. Yes, it's possible I was still thinking about his arms and the way they bulged under his too perfect T-shirt.
"Next time you check me out for an entire class period."
I felt myself blush. "I wasn't…"
"You were."
I gave him a stern look.
He shrugged and grabbed my messenger bag from my arm.
"I can carry that."
He shrugged and kept walking. "I know."
Aggravating did not even begin to describe the guy. By the time the lunch bell rang he had successfully followed me to every class, in his defense — not that I felt like defending his behavior — he had at least two out of the three classes with me, but still. It was bordering on ridiculous.
I ignored him as I walked through the lunch line. My stomach was in knots so nothing looked appetizing. By the time I reached the end of the line my tray was still empty.
"Eat," Alec said behind me.
I rolled my eyes so he couldn't see me and turned around ready to do battle. "I'm not hungry."
"You still need food."
"Are we really going to sit here and argue?"
Alec grabbed my empty tray. "Of course not."
I exhaled in relief, but it was short-lived as I watched him go back through the line and pile my tray high with every single option on the hot lunch list. He paid for the food and brought me the tray. I swear it was bending from the weight of food.
"Please tell me we're sharing," I grumbled.
Alec smirked and took a seat at a far off table, a table that my friends and I normally didn't sit at. "Eat," he commanded once I plopped down next to him.
I looked at my choices. Meat surprise, an apple, some sort of salad that looked more like macaroni than leafy greens and an alarming amount of French fries.
"Thanks." I took the apple from the tray and nibbled on a fry.
"About what I said…" His voice was low, almost impossible to hear. I scooted closer, not sure I wanted to hear him defend his behavior or pity me for the rumors flying around school about Demetri's cheating scandal.
"I was upset."
"I know." The fry in my finger felt soggy, I threw it onto the napkin and wiped my hands. "I was too."
Alec grabbed my hand and held it in his lap, rubbing his thumb delicately over the tender flesh on my wrist. "Will you forgive me?"
Not what I expected. I looked back at the soggy fries and bit my lip. "Alec, there wasn't ever anything to forgive. I was the one being insensitive."
His grip lessened on my hand.
"But…" I turned toward him and then shied away, I hadn't realized how close we were sitting until right then. Close enough to kiss him, for crying out loud! "You can't keep shutting me out and keeping me in the dark like this! I mean, some days I really like you, I lo—" I stopped myself as I felt my cheeks stain crimson. "I love hanging out with you. You're one of my best friends, and some days I feel like, I don't know… Like you are trying to push me away. And then all this stuff with Demetri trying to strip me naked and then in the same breath, talking cryptically about being the first. I don't know. I'm just really confused."
Alec's eyes flickered to my lips then
back up to my eyes. "I know. It's just that…" His voice cracked. He pulled his hand away and shook his head as he looked out the windows of the cafeteria. "The minute I tell you, is the minute I say goodbye to you forever."
"You don't know that!" I grabbed his hand pleading with him to trust me, just once.
"Give me time to believe that, Nat." Alec smiled sadly and squeezed my hand. The lunch bell rang.
"Are you gonna follow me to my next class?"
Alec laughed. "Do you want me to?"
I blushed. "Kind of."
"Then yes, I'll follow you to class."
"Will you stay?"
"Do you want me to?"
"Are we really doing this right now?" I glared.
Alec picked up the trays and my messenger bag. "I'll take you, but I need to go to class too. I have a lot of learning to do."
"Clearly." I smirked.
As promised, he took me to Geology and went on his merry way toward his class, but not before turning around and giving me the most seductive wink in high school history. My knees went weak and suddenly I wasn't so sad about Demetri. My heart still clenched, but part of it was because I sensed he was hurting and I didn't know what I did to cause it or what I could do to fix it. Even though I wasn't completely certain of our relationship status, I still loved him. He was more than just a boyfriend. Demetri was a friend, someone I wouldn't wish to hurt in any way, though I knew I was probably doing exactly that every time I fell asleep dreaming of his brother, rather than of him.
I reached into my pocket and pulled out my phone and texted him again.
HOPE U R HVING A GD DAY. U SHD B PLEASED. ALEC MADE ME EAT. THE FRIES WR SOGGY. —NAT
Satisfied, I tucked my phone back into my front pocket and pretended to listen to my teacher.
Chapter Twenty-one
I had more homework than I thought possible. Weren't they supposed to lighten up after finals? It had been a week since Demetri and I'd had our fight or whatever that was. He still hadn't texted me back, and the media had been ruthless about Anjelica and their outings.