***
Ten: The Three Musketeers
Hugo was a tall, muscly blonde Aryan type with a great physique, on looks alone he would have gone down well in the Hitler Youth. Theodore was one of those nondescript males who are about middle height, middle weight and have a middling hair colour, not auburn, not blonde, not red, not black. Young Stan was a different proposition altogether he was short and rotund with watery eyes and clammy palms. The different physical characteristics of the three musketeers stood out quite starkly as they, on this occasion, were all wearing the same garb. They looked like they had stepped out of Guys and Dolls, all they needed were violin cases with sub machine guns hidden inside.
They spoke the way they looked.
'We'll pay you any amount to put a stop to this garbage that's being spread about,' said Hugo. 'They make me so mad, if I could get hold of them I'd kick their bloody teeth in.'
'Somebody's bad mouthing us,' said Theodore, 'and we need to find out who it is, get the goods on them and give it to Lincoln so he can get a court order to put a stop to this good and proper.'
'I hate it,' said Young Stan, 'it puts me off my food.' His mouth was full of salami as he uttered these words.
'What exactly is being said?' I asked.
'That we're people smugglers.'
'That we have a lab making ecstasy.'
'That we live the high life and get fat on the proceeds of prostitution, drugs and blackmail.'
'And is any of it true?' I said.
'No bloody way mate,' said Hugo.
'Would we be here?' said Theodore.
'So I'm a little overweight, I have a thyroid problem,' said Young Stan.
'Well it's come to my attention…' I said.
'What has?' said Hugo, he had been sitting in a wonky chair but he jumped up and walked over to my desk. The chair went flying.
'…on your Riverland property...'
'What about it?'
'…there's a greenhouse where you grow marijuana.'
'That's a bloody lie,' said Hugo.
'Is it?' I said.
'It's a lie I tell you, a bloody lie.'
'Well I sent one of my operatives up to your property on the river,' now that was a lie but I hoped it would be a good guesstimation and the response proved my suppositions right.
'You had no bloody right to do that!'
'I was just checking things out, so that I can get a file together for Lincoln.'
'That doesn't mean you can snoop on us, it's us who will be paying the bills.'
'My man found a hothouse full of marijuana.'
'You had no bloody right.'
'Okay look,' said Theodore, 'yes we grow a little marijuana, but it's for our own use.'
'There's an awful lot there for the own use classification.'
'We have parties, we like to party, girls, grog, marijuana, we're not saints but we're not villains either.'
'There just seems to be quite a lot.'
'That's a small hot house,' said Hugo, 'you should go into one of our organic tomato houses, then you'll see what a big hot house is. But why are we bothering to answer your bloody accusations? We are hiring you. You'll do as we say or get the boot quick bloody smart.'
'In that case I think that brings this interview to a close,' I said.
'What?'
'If you don't like my style employ someone else,' I said.
'Look,' said Theodore, 'Hugo gets a bit carried away, he's used to giving orders.'
'Well I'm not going to take them, since I left the army I'm my own man. No one tells me what to do.'
'Okay, alright already, we can compromise, Hugo tends to be a bit of a hothead.'
'I tend to be a what?'
'Shut up Hugo.'
'Don't bloody talk to me like that Theo.'
'Ah fuck it Hugo,' said Young Stan. 'We want to get this guy on side, give him the basic facts and then we can go to lunch, I'm fucking starving.'
'Come on Hugo, don't get all high and mighty,' said Theodore. 'We did used to sell a little marijuana in the old days, it was handy if the tomato crop didn't perform, or we got bugs in the cucumbers, but we just grow it for parties nowadays, the bikies control the marijuana trade, it's too dangerous for honest business men like us. Look Hamma, mind if I call you Hamma?'
'Not at all.'
'Funny name, where's it from?'
'My Dad was Egyptian.'
'Bloody silly name if you ask me,' said Hugo.
'A rose by any other name would smell as sweet,' I said.
'What?'
'Romeo and Juliet.'
'Oh yeah I saw the film,' said Young Stan. 'What was the name of that girl and it had what's his name in it?'
'Money's no object,' said Theodore. 'Find out who's spreading these rumours.'
'We want a full bloody report,' said Hugo.
'Then we'll shoot the fucker dead,' said Young Stan.
'No Stan, we are not going to do that, we'll use the courts, all above board.'
'He'll fucking regret it. He'll learn not to mess with us.'
'What if it's a woman?' I said.
'Nah, don't bloody believe it,' said Hugo, 'it's gotta be a bloke. Old Stan is threatening to cut us off. He says we won't get a bloody penny.'
'I'll speak to Lincoln and organise a full report.'
'We want a copy.'
'Get one from Lincoln.'
'Look,' said Theodore, 'the guys got a bit angry but this will be all above board, we're going to use the full force of the law.'
'I'll shake on that, but only if there's no rough stuff,' I said.
'You have my word on it Hamma,' said Theodore. 'We might look tough and talk tough but underneath we're softies.'
'Yeah, we wouldn't hurt a bloody fly,' said Hugo. 'We're new age guys.'
'Too right. We donate to fucking charity,' said Young Stan. 'And kiss babies.'
I could see why Kashmere had joined the army.
Shakespeare on the Roof Page 10