I sucked in a breath, alarmed at the parallels. And I was devastated that I felt every bit as helpless today as I did then.
This was all my fault. It was true. Be a man and love me, and you’ll end up dead. I really was cursed.
A sob escaped my lips. “I can’t handle this.” My voice was tight, strangled.
Alex’s arm slid tentatively around my shoulders. “Dios mio, you are shaking like it’s twenty below.”
“Please, Alex…I want to go home.”
She was silent as we walked to my tent, then she stood nearby watching as I shoved all my stuff into my bag and cinched up the top, occasionally wiping my face with the back of my hand or my sleeve to dry the tears. But the moment I did it, more trickled down to replace them.
The moment the bag was full, I was ready to go. I tried to suck in another breath, but it wouldn’t come. My chest wouldn’t cooperate…it wouldn’t expand to inhale again.
I doubled over, falling to my knees.
“Jenna!” Alex shrieked, crouching down with me. “Okay, you are really freaking me out, girl.”
I shook my head, sobbing so hard I couldn’t catch my next breath.
“William will be fine!” She rubbed my back. “I’m sure of it. We’ll go to the hospital. You’ll see. Head wounds naturally bleed a lot.”
But I wasn’t listening. I just kept shaking my head, and then I curled in on myself, pressing my cold, wet face to my bag.
“Take me home, please,” I finally managed.
Alex’s eyes widened. No doubt she thought I was insane. Or heartless. Or both. Maybe I was. Maybe I didn’t deserve to be happy. I’d already blown my chance.
I couldn’t do this again. Not for the third time. Fate had spoken.
On shaky legs, I followed her out to her car. I shoved my things in her trunk, and then we wordlessly drove the hour and a half home to Orange County.
My phone chimed repeatedly the entire way.
Mia: Hey, where are you? You okay?
A few minutes later…
Mia: W is asking for you. Are you coming? What do I tell him?
I swallowed hard before turning off the phone. The tears began pooling again and the terror came back with a vengeance. I remembered reaching out and touching Brock’s face at the viewing. His skin felt like ice. Like how I felt inside.
Maybe that was it? Maybe I was dead inside.
Chapter 34
William
“Call her again,” I say to Mia. I can tell there’s something she wants to say but doesn’t.
“I will. I’m just going to give it a few minutes. Lie back, William. They aren’t done.”
I stare up at the holes in the acoustic ceiling. We’ve been in this stupid little room in the ER for hours, and there’s no cell reception in here. Whenever Mia needs to make a phone call, she has to walk outside the hospital in order to do it. We may as well be back in the Middle Ages with our lack of ability to communicate. Worse, actually, because we have no carrier pigeons, either.
I’m starving and my head hurts, but other than that, I’m fine. They’ve already sewed me up and glued me shut. And now all I want is to see Jenna.
“Maybe Alex’s car broke down and Jenna’s phone is out of charge,” I say. “They could be in danger.”
Mia looks across the room at Adam, who rubs his jaw and turns to me. “I’m sure she’s okay.” Then he turns back to Mia. “Maybe you should try texting Alex.”
Mia’s eyes widen, and then she looks at me and jerks her head back at Adam. I have neither the energy nor the desire to figure out what all that means. My head is really hurting.
“Uh, good idea,” she mumbles.
She’s staring at Adam and then looking at the door, then back at Adam again. I close my eyelids and rub my eyeballs through them. Everything hurts, and this stupid hospital gown I’m wearing is itchy and leaves my back completely exposed. I hate hospitals. Hate them.
I open my eyes when both Adam and Mia stand up. “I’ve gotta hit the bathroom,” Adam says.
“I’ll show you where it is. It’s kind of hard to find.” Mia takes his arm and they head to the door.
I frown, recalling that we walked right by a bathroom on the way to this examination room.
“It’s just down the—”
“Be back in a minute, guy,” Adam says, holding the door open for Mia. They’re gone for about five minutes, and then the door opens up again and it’s just Mia.
“Adam’s going to go check in with your Dad and my Mom in the waiting room as soon as he’s done in the bathroom.”
“You could have just texted to tell them I’m all right. I wish I had my phone. I have nothing with me.”
“Well, some of your friends from your clan were here while you were getting sewn up. They offered to pack up your tent and belongings then load them up in your truck. Your dad is going to go to the campsite so he can drive it back to your house. I think they were hoping you’d have gotten the MRI by now.”
I scowl. “I don’t want the MRI.”
“It’s not about what you want. The doctors are not going to release you ‘til they know you’re okay. You were knocked out, William. It’s a given that they’re going to do an MRI. I’m sure it will be soon…okay?”
I stare at her, folding my arms over my chest. “Has Alex replied to your text yet? I’m very worried about Jenna.”
Mia hesitates and looks toward the door, but she doesn’t answer me.
“Are you waiting for Adam to come back so he can give you permission to tell me whatever it is?”
She gives me her mad look. “I don’t need Adam’s permission. Yes, Alex texted me. They’re okay. They, are, uh, back in Orange County.”
I sit up, more questions pouring into my mind. Why hasn’t Jenna checked to see that I’m all right? Why hasn’t she even answered her damn phone?
I open my mouth to start asking when suddenly Adam returns holding various objects he didn’t have before. Mia, however, is watching me closely. “You okay?”
“No,” I reply.
Adam steps closer to the bed. “Your dad and Kim just left to go get your truck, but they gave me some stuff your friends brought from the campground. Your phone…” He brandishes it, and I reach up and snatch it out of his hand. I check the text messages.
Nothing. Nothing from her at all.
He sets a weird-looking lacquered box on the meal tray in front of me. “That isn’t mine,” I say.
Adam gestured to it. “Sure it is. It’s your prize, Sir William. They got Doug to cough it up.”
I picture Doug coughing and things coming up—and gross as that image is in my mind, I can’t see him coughing a box out of his mouth.
I give Adam a look and he laughs. “It’s the tiara. The council required Doug to produce it, according to the terms previously agreed upon. Once he did, they voted to exile him on the grounds of his cowardly attack on you. You can also choose to press assault charges on him.”
I look at my phone again. “The only thing I want to do right now is talk to Jenna.” I start to get up from the gurney, but Mia stands in front of me, placing a hand on my shoulder.
“No, you don’t, buster. You can’t get up right now. The doctor hasn’t cleared you. In fact, I’m guessing that they’re going to admit you for the night.”
I push her hand off my shoulder and stand. “No, they fucking are not,” I say.
But Adam’s there and he pushes me back down on the gurney. “Down, boy,” he says. “And be nice to Mia, please. She took good care of you while you were knocked out.”
I mumble my thanks and move to stand up again. “I’ll just step out to call—”
At that exact moment, the doctor walks in to check for a head injury. I have to do lame things like squeeze his finger, then follow his finger with my eyes as he waves it in front of me. After that, he looks into my eyes with a small flashlight, which I loathe.
“I am not staying here,” I say before he can speak. He’s inp
utting things into a tablet—my chart.
“We need to run an MRI and ideally keep you for observation. We’ll have this discussion after I have that MRI in my hand. How’s that?”
“I need to make a very important phone call!” I say, attempting to get up.
“Mr. Drake, you can’t get up and walk around. You’re a patient here until you’re released.”
“Then I’m releasing myself. I’ll just—”
Adam’s at my side again, resting a heavy hand on my shoulder. “You’re not releasing yourself. You’re staying right here ‘til you have your test.”
I shove his hands off me. “Stop touching me, damn it! I want to know where Jenna is and why she’s not here.”
The doctor is looking from Adam to me and back again. Mia steps forward. “I think the sooner we can get his MRI, the better.”
The doctor nods. “I’ll see what I can do to bump him up in the queue.” He steps out shortly after that, and I try one more time to stand up. Adam prevents it and I take a swing at him.
“Jesus, Liam, calm the fuck down!” He bats my fist away before it can connect.
“No, stop this bullshit. I need to talk to Jenna. I need to know why she’s not here. She’s probably very worried about me.”
“She’s okay.” Mia steps forward. “She’s, um…well, she’s with Alex, who told me that Jenna was really shaken up by your injury. She may be blaming herself. I’m not sure exactly what’s going on, but she insisted that Alex take her straight home instead of coming here.”
Silence.
None of us say anything for a long time. “But why wouldn’t she come? Why wouldn’t she want to be here for me? I’ve been there for her…through all of this.”
Mia shakes her head, and I know her well enough to know that the look on her face is her sad look. “I’m sorry, William. I just don’t know what’s going through her mind right now. But she’s safe and she’s not in any danger. I’m sure that she cares about what’s going on with you and would want you to get this test.”
“Fuck the test,” I mutter.
“I promise we’ll take you straight over to her house when we get you out of here, all right?” Adam says. I glare at him, a ball of rage starting to burn in the pit of my stomach. “You can take her the tiara…”
“Right now, I want to shove that tiara up your—”
“Boys!” Mia holds up a hand. “Adam, why don’t you go grab us some food? I think William’s feeling a bit hangry right now. I’ll keep him company, and maybe he’ll calm down.”
Adam leaves, but I don’t calm down. All I can think of is that Jenna is at home, going about her day, not even considering that I’d want her to be with me.
I put my face in my hands, aware that the headache is still there but dulling gradually.
“I’m sure she’d be here if she could.”
That sounded familiar. I’d heard that from Dad and Britt a lot when I was growing up. Almost word for word.
And I’m reminded…reminded of those times when Mother had arranged to come get me and something would come up—sometimes days in advance, sometimes at the last minute. Our plans for dinner, or the park, or the museum…
She never came through for me. Those shifts in plans, which already made me uneasy to begin with, created a wall of frustration and anger, solid as a brick barrier. It took weeks and months and years before I got over the anger and the resentment. To this day, I’m not sure I ever really have.
Disappointment sits in my stomach like a blacksmith’s anvil, weighing everything down. It makes me feel like I am the problem. I am the reason.
I am not worthy.
It’s the same thing. It’s always the same.
I’d foolishly hoped that this one moment in time, this victory, would make me deserving of admiration, of respect…
Of love.
Jenna told me she loved me, but she’s not here by my side showing me that love when I need her most. I close my eyes, trying to imagine her standing here next to me in this cold, horrible hospital instead of Mia.
But I can’t. Instead, I only burn with hurt and rage. I try to breathe through it so I can make it through these next few hours before I’m out of here.
Mia sits down and is talking, but I’m not listening. And once Adam returns, the only thing I can do is sit here and wish that Adam and Mia were Jenna instead, and that she’s sitting beside me and holding my hand. But reality is a cold harsh distance from that fantasy—as cold and harsh as this hospital room, where the only thing I have to warm me is my burning anger.
Chapter 35
Jenna
It was just past lunchtime when we got home, but instead of grabbing a bite to eat, I poured a shot of tequila left over from our drinking night escapade and chased it with some juice.
“Jenna—”
I jerked my hand up to stop Alex from whatever she was about to say.
“No, Alejandra. I don’t want to hear it.”
I grabbed the bottle of Cuervo and took it into my bedroom. Then, divorced from all emotion—and all logical thought—I calmly started packing up my stuff.
Everything went into boxes. The two suitcases would go with me, and I’d ask Alex to store a couple of boxes at her mom’s house. The rest I’d give away…to friends, to charity, whoever. As long as I could get rid of it all.
Old things just brought back old memories—and I didn’t want any of those. They hurt too much. My heartbeat raced with fear and misery with each box I packed up, so I’d take another drink and continue, my hands working as if independent of my feelings.
Fate was calling. It was time to move on. But every time I had that thought, my heart hurt like it had been scraped by a piece of glass.
I heard Papa’s voice in my head…“Budi hraba, kci.” You must be brave…
It had been chilly that April morning as he loaded me up on the refugee truck in the outskirts of Sarajevo, along with my sister and my aunt. We’d finally had the opportunity to pass safely through the warzone to Zagreb. That day he’d pressed the tiara in my hand, assuring me it would be safe inside the beautifully lacquered case. Explaining how my grandmother had worn it on her wedding day, as her mother had before her. “You’re a princess and you need to be kept safe. I’ll see you soon. Obecavam.” I promise.
He’d broken that promise. Mama told me he’d died in minutes, bleeding out in the gutters on a street we’d walked down nearly every day of my young life there.
Papa...I can’t do this anymore. It hurts too much. Please take this pain away.
Even in my tequila stupor, everything was too tight—my clothes, my chest, my fists. The doorbell rang and I glanced out my bedroom window, astonished to see that it was dark. The entire day had passed me by in my heartache-induced daze.
“Hello?” I heard a familiar voice call into the apartment. Helena.
I’d used all the tissues in my room, so I bolted out the door and toward the bathroom, but she was standing in the hallway, blocking my progress.
“Oh Janjica!” she said, taking my face in her elegant, long-fingered hands. “What are we going to do with you?”
Instead of answering, I sniffed and hiccupped, my lip quivering. I thought about the tragedy that linked the two of us, and how fitting it was that she was here right now. Helena pushed the hair from my face back behind my ear. Over her shoulder, I could see Alex watching us, and I knew then that it was Alex who had called her.
“Don’t be mad at Alex,” Helena said, reading my mind—as usual. “She’s worried about you. And so am I.”
I shivered and the tears came in a rush again. Helena pulled me into a hug, and I pressed my face to her shoulder and sobbed. “I can’t forget that night, Helena. I can’t.”
She knew what I was talking about without even having to ask. “You never will…and neither will I,” she said, switching to Bosnian. “That night changed us all forever.”
She gave me a little nudge toward my bedroom. As soon as we’d entered, A
lex handed me a fresh box of tissues and then shut the door behind us.
Helena sank down on the bed beside me as I rocked back and forth, fisting my hands. She gave the bare room a onceover, her eyes landing on the boxes lining the wall. In mere hours, my life had been condensed into those boxes and I was ready to move on.
“Tell me what happened…”
I inhaled a shuddery breath and let it go. “There’s a boy…and…” My voice trembled, and I glanced up at her before quickly looking away. “He’s a man, actually, but…”
Helena placed an arm around my shoulders, watching my face carefully. “Go on, Janja. Tell me about him.”
My cheeks heated and I glanced at her out of the corner of my eye, feeling oddly guilty. Like I was cheating on her…and Brock.
“Last night I, uh…I told him I loved him.”
She nodded. “And it’s the truth? Do you love him?”
That shard of glass scraped over my heart again and the air hissed from my lungs. I doubled over. “Yes. I love him. I love him so much. So much it hurts. Oh God, Helena. I’m sorry.”
Her arm tightened, pulling me back to a sitting position. “Love is nothing to apologize for. And we are not meant to love only one person in our lives. You loved Braco. And now you love this man, too. That’s not a betrayal.”
My pitiful sobs started up again, drowning out her noble speech. “He’ll die, Helena. He’ll die, just like the others. Like Papa. Like Brock.”
She inhaled sharply and reached to push my hair back from my face. “Stop this. Right now. You have the right to love a man, and you have the right to be loved. Stop hurting yourself because you lived and Braco didn’t.”
“How can you be so nice to me? I didn’t drive him home that night—”
“We’re not going through this again, Jenna,” she said, switching to English with a stern tone. “You spent two years utterly depressed, crippled by your guilt. I don’t blame you, because it was not your fault. It happened. You went home early. He got another ride…”
Her voice faded out in a sob. That sob stabbed me to the core. I squeezed my eyes shut and buried my face in my hands, but Helena pulled them away just as quickly.
For The One (Gaming The System Book 5) Page 33