‘What a pair we are,’ Cathy finally choked self-derisively, her own cheeks wet as she stepped back slightly. ‘Oh, Jade—’ she shook her head ‘—what are we going to do with you?’
‘Is this a private cry-in, or can anyone join in?’ an all-too-familiar voice murmured.
Both women spun around, Cathy in surprise, Jade guiltily. She couldn’t really claim to be surprised to see David again, hadn’t for a moment believed he would accept her departure and telephone call to Penny and Simon as final to their relationship. She just hadn’t expected to see him again as soon as this, that was all!
That he didn’t look well was her first thought as she drank in the sight of him. That sparkle of the pure enjoyment of life that had been in his eyes since the moment they met had gone, and in its place was an aching pain, his face haggard and drawn. Of course his strained appearance could just have been due to the fact that he had been driving for several hours in bad conditions—and yet Jade knew that it wasn’t. She was the one that had done this to him, had given love back into his life only to rip it away again.
‘I did knock, but no one answered,’ he explained gruffly, a defeated hunch to his shoulders in the thick sheepskin jacket.
Cathy looked awkwardly between the two of them. ‘I think I’ll go and make us all a nice cup of tea,’ she hastily excused herself.
The silence crackled with tension once Cathy had made her hurried exit to the kitchen.
Jade felt herself shrinking back at the pained recrimination in David’s eyes, swallowing with difficulty, moistening her lips nervously, waiting for his words of reproach, bracing herself for them.
‘Do you mind if I take my coat off?’
She gave a visible start; it had been the last thing she expected him to say, despite the heat in the flat.
His mouth twisted. ‘It’s only my jacket, Jade,’ he taunted softly.
Colour warmed her cheeks. ‘Please,’ she invited abruptly, inwardly wondering if he was going to be here long enough to merit removing the jacket.
He shrugged out of the thick garment, laying it across the back of one of the armchairs with measured movements.
Jade’s tension grew. Why didn’t he just come right out with it and demand to know what she thought she was doing leaving Devon so abruptly? Why was he standing there so calmly, looking for all the world as if he had just casually dropped in for a visit?
It was certainly obvious to Jade, from the lack of noise coming from the kitchen, that Cathy had no intention of making them some tea, that she intended leaving them to it, would stay out of the way in the kitchen for as long as it took them to have their conversation.
‘Nice flat.’ David nodded appreciatively.
It was an awful flat, just four walls that had no character to them. ‘David—’
‘Have you lived here long?’ he continued politely, just as if she hadn’t spoken in that aching voice.
‘About a year,’ she dismissed impatiently. ‘David, please—’
‘You kept it on even after your move to Devon?’ He sounded surprised.
‘The job at the school was only a temporary one.’ Which was the only reason she had allowed Cathy to persuade her to do it in the first place! ‘And flats in London aren’t that easy to come by.’ She shrugged, frowning deeply. ‘David, I’m sure you didn’t come here to discuss the merits of my flat.’
‘Why not?’ he shrugged. ‘It’s strange really, on the drive up here my mind was whirling with the things I was going to say to you, but now that I’m here none of those things seem to apply.’ He gave a deep sigh. ‘Why did you leave? What difference does it really make, when you did leave,’ he answered his own question. ‘You had your reasons for going, and from the wary expression in your eyes—eyes I obviously forgot to “watch”,’ he added self-derisively, ‘you don’t feel any more disposed to discussing those reasons with me now than you did this morning!’
‘No,’ she admitted dully, blinking back the fresh tears that clouded her vision.
He gave a regretful grimace. ‘Sure?’
Of course she wasn’t sure. She would give anything to be able to tell him the truth and have him tell her everything was going to be all right. But it wasn’t, and it wouldn’t be, and she wasn’t about to hurt him any more than she already had by involving him any further.
‘Very,’ she told him firmly.
David sighed. ‘There doesn’t seem a lot more to say, does there?’
Not when your heart was breaking. And hers was shattered, fragmented. ‘I wish you hadn’t come here, David,’ she said huskily.
He gave a harsh laugh, moving an agitated hand through his already tousled dark hair. ‘It would be so easy to say I wish I hadn’t, too—but it wouldn’t be true. You may have decided you don’t want me after all, but I’m glad I had this chance to see you again. I’m just sorry I hounded you so much that you felt you had to leave.’ He shook his head. ‘As soon as Cathy told us where she was going, and why, I realised I had forced you into leaving. I know now that it wouldn’t have mattered how much time I had given you, that time alone doesn’t produce love. You tried to tell me, but I didn’t want to listen,’ he said sadly. ‘I came here to tell you that you have no reason not to return to Devon. I don’t intend going back myself.’
‘Oh, but that’s ridiculous,’ she protested heatedly. ‘You have no reason to leave, and Penny and Simon were so thrilled to see you again.’ She frowned. ‘I—what if I were to tell you that—you didn’t really have anything to do with my leaving?’ For the main part that was true; it was Peter’s escape that had meant she had to move on. And if it weren’t for Peter she could have allowed the beauty of David’s love into her life.
David drew in a shuddering breath. ‘I would say that if you were hoping to make me feel better you didn’t succeed; I feel as if someone just punched me in the stomach while I was standing under a cold shower!’
‘I’m sorry,’ Jade choked.
He made a rueful face. ‘You can’t force love.’
‘No woman in her right mind could help but love you!’ she said intensely.
His mouth twisted. ‘You happen to be talking about the woman I want to marry.’
‘I wish I could—oh, David,’ she quivered emotionally, ‘what are we going to do?’ Her hands twisted together in her deep agitation.
‘We aren’t going to do anything,’ he told her gently, lightly clasping the tops of her arms before tilting her chin up so that she had to look at him.
‘You’re going to return to Devon, to your work at the school, and forget you ever met a delinquent Father Christmas!’
Forget she had met him, when he was the most wonderful thing that had ever happened to her? She would never forget him; it was impossible to forget the man she loved.
Just as she must never forget the man she had thought she loved, the man who had fooled her into believing he loved her in return when all he wanted to do was use her for his own ends. It was that misplaced love in her past that had forged her future; a long, lonely existence.
‘I never stood a chance of making you forget him, did I, Jade?’ David sighed defeatedly.
‘Him?’ she repeated sharply, her expression one of alarm.
He nodded abruptly. ‘The man in your past, the one you can’t forget.’
She swallowed hard, her stomach churning. ‘What do you know about him?’ Her voice was a pained squeak, her throat suddenly dry.
‘That he existed,’ David said self-derisively. ‘It seems to be enough that he did.’
Jade frowned. ‘I’m not sure I understand… ?’
He shrugged, sighing heavily. ‘I loved Sara, I’ll never forget her or the love we shared because it meant too much to me to ever do that, but I’ve learnt to let go. You haven’t let go,’ he explained simply.
‘Because I can’t. I can’t!’ She shook her head in desperate denial. ‘You’re the one who doesn’t understand,’ she groaned, tears glistening in her eyes.
&nb
sp; ‘Because I can’t,’ he said dully. ‘I—hello, boy,’ he greeted Wellington lightly as he came into the room, going down on his haunches as the snowy white head rubbed against him. ‘Not what you’re used to, is it, boy?’ he sympathised with the cat’s obvious distaste for his new surroundings.
‘We won’t be staying here,’ Jade told him defensively, standing tensely across the room from him and the purring cat now.
David looked up at her piercingly. ‘No, I don’t suppose you will,’ he accepted heavily, straightening to shrug his shoulders back into his coat. ‘Be happy, wherever you go. I’d better go now.’ He sighed his reluctance with that idea.
‘I—will you go back to Devon?’ she asked unhappily.
He shrugged. ‘There’s no reason for me not to now, is there?’
She knew he meant her own decision not to go back. ‘No,’ she answered flatly.
Dark blue eyes roamed hungrily over her face. ‘I do want you to be happy, Jade,’ he said finally. ‘And if you ever do think of that delinquent Father Christmas who wanted more than anything else to be the gift in your bed on Christmas morning—Forget it,’ he dismissed wearily. ‘Why should you think of me?’ he said wryly. ‘Take care, my darling,’ he told her softly.
‘David—’
‘I’ll just go and say goodbye to Cathy.’ He turned away abruptly.
Jade ached, ached with needing him, with resisting that need.
The closing of the apartment door behind him a few seconds later was like a shot being fired—into her heart!
But she had no time to reflect on her pain as Cathy rushed out of the kitchen, her anger obvious from the fury on her face, her hands clenched fiercely at her sides.
‘How could you?’ her friend accused heatedly. ‘How could you?’
Jade was completely taken aback by the attack. ‘I don’t—’
‘You let David go away from here with the impression that you’re still in love with Peter,’ Cathy stormed.
‘I did no such thing,’ she gasped.
‘Of course you did,’ Cathy disputed disgustedly. ‘What else do you think he was talking about when he said you can’t forget Peter? And don’t tell me I shouldn’t have been listening to your conversation,’ she warned fiercely. ‘The walls are made of papier-mâché, and I was only in the kitchen!’
She hadn’t been about to rebuke the other woman, was too disturbed by the other things she had said. Had she let David think she was still in love with Peter, the man in her past? Perhaps, but she couldn’t tell him the truth about that time, so it was better that he think she was in love with someone else. ‘What difference does it make if he did think that?’ she said dismissively. ‘Whatever he thinks, there’s no future for us.’
‘Because you’ve decided there isn’t,’ Cathy told her impatiently. ‘You’re my best friend, Jade, but I have to tell you now that this self-pity can’t go on—’
‘It isn’t self-pity—’
‘Of course it is,’ her friend dismissed scathingly. ‘OK, so Peter played a dirty trick on you, and a lot of people suffered because of it, but no one expects you to keep on suffering for ever. David loves you, and I’m more convinced than ever that you love him; the two of you should be together.’
‘It isn’t as simple as that—’
‘Nothing in life ever is,’ Cathy scorned. ‘A fact I intend pointing out to Dominic when I give him my resignation.’
‘Cathy?’ she gasped. ‘What—’
‘Let’s not get sidetracked,’ she was told fiercely. ‘David loves you, and you love him; you should be able to work out the rest of it. Even Peter,’ she put in firmly as Jade would have protested again. ‘Tell David the truth and let him decide for himself what was or wasn’t true, but for God’s sake don’t give in without even giving him that chance,’ she said disgustedly.
‘I’m afraid…’ Jade trembled at the thought of being so totally vulnerable.
‘Do you think I don’t know that?’ Cathy groaned sympathetically. ‘Of course you’re afraid, but that’s part of being alive. You’ve merely been existing this last year, Jade. Do you really want to live in the shadows all your life, or are you willing to take the risk of loving and being loved? It’s either that or returning to what it’s been like the last year; is that what you want?’
To go back to the emptiness. The loneliness. The nothingness.
Was that really what she wanted?
CHAPTER TEN
THANK God the snow had stopped falling now, although even without that the going was tough.
To Devon.
To David…
Cathy was right, she knew that, knew that however much she feared David’s rejection when he knew the truth about her, she had to at least try to come out of the shadows. Just those few hours at her apartment had shown her how lonely her life was going to be again, and even though she had only known David a few days, with him she was alive, truly alive. And those shadows would still be there waiting for her if David didn’t want her.
And so she was going back to Devon. Wellington was totally confused at again being bundled into the travelling basket she had so hastily purchased this morning, and the hire company she had got the vehicle from found it a little strange that she wanted to return it to their local office in Devon, after all.
But none of that mattered when David would be waiting at the other end of her journey. Even if it was only briefly, he had to know she loved him in return, probably had since the first moment his dark blue eyes had looked at her so mischievously.
Nevertheless, her body ached with the tension of the drive, and her eyes felt sore from the intense concentration when she at last drove back into the village later that evening. It had been dark for several hours, making driving doubly difficult on the icy, unfamiliar roads, and she just wanted to find David, say her piece, and then know either the ecstasy of his love or the return to those grey shadows that had been her life for the last year.
Penny opened the door to her ring on the doorbell, a Penny whose eyes widened incredulously at the sight of her, her black cocktail dress indicating that she had been expecting quite another sort of guest. ‘What—? We thought you were in London,’ she gasped, her statement so obviously incorrect as Jade now stood before her.
Jade’s mouth twisted. ‘I needed to talk to David rather urgently.’ She gave a rueful shrug.
The other woman looked puzzled. ‘Oh, but—come inside,’ she instructed distractedly, opening the door wider to usher Jade into the hallway, opening the door to the dining-room. ‘I’m just taking Jade into the sitting-room,’ she informed Simon. ‘Yes, I said Jade,’ she answered his surprised exclamation. ‘If anyone arrives for the party just bring them in here and tell them I’ve been delayed. Or something,’ she dismissed impatiently.
‘Penny, there’s really no need,’ Jade protested as the other woman turned in the direction of the sitting-room; in truth she had forgotten all about the party Penny and Simon were having this evening. ‘If I could just quickly talk to David—’
‘He isn’t here,’ Penny told her quietly.
Jade’s face fell. ‘Oh,’ she sighed heavily. ‘But he said he was coming back here,’ she frowned, a sudden pain behind her eyes.
‘Perhaps he is,’ the other woman shrugged, closing the door behind them. ‘But we haven’t heard from him since he telephoned to let us know he had arrived safely in London.’
Jade sat down defeatedly in an armchair. ‘He said he was coming back here,’ she repeated dully, hardly able to believe she had made that horrendous journey only to learn David wasn’t here after all.
‘Then he probably will,’ Penny assured her gently, bending down in front of her. ‘Is it going to be all right between you two?’ she probed softly.
Jade drew in a shuddering breath, her disappointment extreme at not finding David here when she had so desperately needed to talk to him. If she wasn’t able to talk to him now she might never have the nerve or courage to try again.
/> ‘Jade?’ Penny prompted.
She shook her head. ‘I don’t know. I thought—I hoped that if I could just talk to him, tell him about—’ She broke off, swallowing hard.
‘Peter,’ the other woman finished with feeling. ‘He’s been recaptured, you know,’ she added softly.
She had heard the announcement on the radio news, but it had meant little to her when his escape had totally disrupted her life a second time! The fact that he was now back behind lock and key where he belonged left her cold, his recapture making little difference to her life, except the relief of knowing he was once again being punished for his crime.
Jade frowned as the doorbell rang. ‘I really mustn’t keep you from your guests…’
Penny straightened. ‘Maybe it’s David.’ But they both knew it wasn’t as Simon could be heard talking jovially before closing the dining-room door behind himself and the new arrival. ‘Join the party as originally planned,’ Penny invited softly. ‘Then if David—then stay the night, at least,’ she insisted as Jade fiercely shook her head at her other suggestion. ‘It’s too late at night to go back to your cold cottage.’
She had to admit the prospect didn’t seem very inviting. ‘There’s Wellington, too,’ she grimaced.
The other woman smiled. ‘I don’t mind, if he doesn’t!’
On the few occasions Penny had called at the cottage in the past Wellington had lost no time in letting her know it was his home, and he was to be treated with respect! Jade had no doubt in her mind that Wellington wouldn’t distinguish between the two establishments; he had lost no time earlier in letting her know who was boss at her apartment.
‘If you’re sure you wouldn’t mind… ?’ She frowned. ‘I’m really not in the mood for a party.’
‘Of course you aren’t,’ Penny dismissed briskly. ‘I’ll take you upstairs and see you settled into a room, and then when David returns—’
‘If he returns,’ she corrected heavily; his not being here when she arrived was something she hadn’t even considered.
The Loving Gift Page 13