She relaxed against him, her body going pliant in his hold, her arms holding him just as tightly as he held her. Why keep on denying something that was true: she wanted him just as much as he seemed to want her, wanted him with a desire that went beyond the bounds of right or wrong or reason.
‘Beth.’ Her name was soft on his lips, almost as soft as the kiss he gave her, and she felt her heart go still. He kissed her now not with that wild, hot passion which had set her on fire, but with an aching tenderness which made her tremble. How could one sweet kiss wipe away all the doubts and pain? She couldn’t understand it, but it was so. David kissed her now and suddenly she knew without a shadow of a doubt that this was right.
The soft sound of someone knocking on the door was a cruel intrusion. Beth drew in a shuddering breath, her arms tightening around him for one desperate moment before they fell to her sides. He stared down at her, his eyes still clouded with desire, then slowly bent to rest his forehead against hers for a moment in a gesture of defeat. ‘I don’t believe it! Talk about bad timing.’
Beth smiled faintly, resisting the urge to draw him closer and ignore the intrusion. ‘Are you going to answer or shall I?’
He shook his head, mockery on his face now as he straightened, but there was no denying the warmth lingering in his eyes as he ran a glance over her as she lay against the pillows, her hair a tangle of red-gold silk, her bare breasts rosy-tipped. ‘No, you stay there. I don’t want to spoil the delightful picture you make.’
Beth blushed, pulling the covers up to shield herself, warmed by the gentle teasing.
‘I hope I didn’t wake you up. I’ve brought you some tea. How is Beth this morning?’
David took the tray Maggie was carrying, pushing the door back with one bare foot as he glanced back over his shoulder at Beth. ‘She’s fine. All she needed was a good night’s sleep...and a little tender, loving care!’
Maggie smiled. ‘Stop that, David! You’re embarrassing her. Right, breakfast is any time you want it. Don’t rush. I was planning a nice lazy day. It will be hectic enough tonight.’ She looked at Beth, her eyes warm with understanding as she met Beth’s embarrassed ones. ‘I hope you don’t mind, but we decided to throw a party tonight. It will be mainly friends and very informal.’
‘It sounds lovely, Maggie. Thank you. If you need any help then just tell me. I’ll be only too glad to help you get things ready.’
‘I might just take you up on that. See you later.’ With a wave, Maggie hurried away, and David closed the door then carried the tray to the bedside table and set it down. He studied Beth’s flushed face for a moment then moved away to open the wardrobe and take out trousers and a sweater. Dropping them on to the bed, he took clean underwear from the chest of drawers then unfastened the towel from around his waist and let it drop to the floor.
Beth felt her breath catch as she stared at him, magnificent in his nakedness. She closed her eyes, heat rippling in a tidal wave along her veins, but it was impossible to blank the image of him from her mind.
‘All right, you can look now. You won’t see anything you obviously feel you shouldn’t.’ There was open amusement in his tone and Beth opened her eyes and glared hotly at him. ‘I can’t help it if I’m not used to having naked men parading in front of me!’
‘Indeed you can’t. Frankly, I’m rather glad that you’re not. Your innocence is delightfully refreshing, Beth.’
‘Innocence?’ She went ashen. ‘Is that some sort of a joke? I lost my claim to innocence a while back as well you know!’
His face hardened. ‘That’s not true. Innocence is as much a state of mind as a physical condition.’
‘Then you must be the only person who thinks so!’ She pulled the slip back over her breasts then tossed back the bedcovers and climbed out to face him across the room with eyes filled with pain. ‘You tell anyone what happened to me, David, and then ask their opinion as to whether I can be called an innocent ... Matthew ... Maggie ... anyone. They’ll soon tell you how wrong you are!’
‘It has nothing to do with anyone else. Not Matthew nor Maggie...no one!’
‘Why? Why don’t you want anyone to know? Why are you so determined to keep it all such a secret? You were talking about making this marriage of ours real yesterday, but what does that mean? That you keep on hiding the truth? Keep up this pretence that you were the father of my baby? Why? To spare my feelings, or for your own reasons?’
‘What I decide to tell people is my business, Beth. Understand? Don’t interfere in things you know nothing about!’
There was such anger on his face that she almost faltered, but pain and a deep, bitter disappointment drove her on. ‘Oh, I understand all right. Only too well. As long as our relationship keeps within the limits you set for it then that’s fine, but let me go beyond that and... Well, I’m sorry, David, but that isn’t how I want to live the rest of my life. I don’t want to accept hospitality from your family in exchange for a pack of lies.’
‘So what do you suggest? That you tell Matthew the truth, all of it, every unsavoury little detail?’ He came and caught her by the arms, his fingers biting into her flesh. ‘I don’t think so, Beth. I don’t think so at all. Why rock the boat? We could have a pleasant future together. I can provide for your every need and we’ve already proved this morning that we find one another attractive enough to guarantee an excellent physical relationship. Why ruin that by going against my wishes? Be sensible, Beth, and ask yourself what more you want from a relationship than what I’m offering.’
What more could she want? Beth went cold with despair. There was so much she wanted from David now, more than she had ever wanted from anyone before: truth, honesty, the right to share his life, plus the one thing she knew he could never give her...love.
She pulled her arms away, walking swiftly towards the bathroom. ‘I’d better get dressed. Maggie will wonder what’s happened to us.’
‘I don’t want you to tell either Maggie or Matthew anything about the terms of our marriage. Understand?’
She looked round, her face bleak, all the brightness faded. ‘Oh, I understand, David. Don’t worry. I shall stick to our agreement this weekend. You’ve set the guidelines and I shall follow them to the letter.’
She walked into the bathroom and closed the door, leaning against it as a wave of sick despair washed over her. In the space of one short hour she’d gone from the dizzy heights of happiness back into black despair, but this time she knew that it would be even harder to struggle out now that she’d had that magical taste of what life could be like.
* * *
There was no sign of David when she left the bathroom. Slipping on black trousers and a white cotton shirt, Beth went downstairs, aware of the silence in the house. She paused at the bottom of the staircase then made her way along the dark hall to the kitchen, smiling with a determined brightness when she found Maggie in there sitting at the table, a cup of coffee in one hand and a plump red-haired baby cradled on her lap. She looked up when she heard the door opening, smiling warmly when she saw Beth.
‘I hope you didn’t think you had to get up, Beth. You could have stayed in bed as long as you wanted to.’
Beth sat down at the table, reaching out to touch the baby’s hand with a wistful smile. ‘I didn’t want to lie there any longer. I had more sleep last night than I’ve had in weeks. You must think me awfully rude for missing dinner last night.’
‘Not at all. You obviously needed the rest.’ Maggie skimmed an assessing look over her face, her green eyes darkening in faint concern. ‘You still look a bit pale. Are you sure you aren’t trying to overdo things, Beth?’
Beth shrugged, wishing she could confide in Maggie and tell her the truth of what ailed her, but, remembering David’s warnings, she knew she couldn’t do that. Once she’d recovered her strength she would have to start thinking about her future, working out if she could carry on with this strange marriage under the terms David had laid down. If she couldn’t then she would
have to make a decision to end it there and then, but it wasn’t going to be a simple decision to make. David had come to mean so much to her; leaving him would be agonisingly painful.
‘Beth?’
She jumped when Maggie spoke, realising that the other woman was still waiting for an answer. ‘Sorry. I was miles away. I expect I am being a bit impatient, but I hate sitting around as though I’m an invalid. I feel fine most of the time.’ She glanced at the baby, pain flashing briefly in her eyes. ‘It hurts, of course. It’s bound to. But physically I shall be right as rain in a week or so. It’s just a question of learning to pace myself.’
‘And that’s the hardest thing to learn!’ Maggie stood up and placed the baby on Beth’s knee with a gentle smile before turning to pick up the coffee-pot and pour her a cup. She carried it back to the table, setting it down in front of her, her face filled with understanding. ‘I know it must be hard for you, Beth, trying to come to terms with your loss. I keep trying to imagine what it must be like.’ She shuddered, running a loving hand over the baby’s downy head. ‘Thank God you’ve got David to lean on. We’re both lucky in that respect, having such strong men behind us. If it had happened to me the first time, when I had Janey when Matthew wasn’t around, I don’t know how I would have coped.’
Beth smiled sadly, snuggling the warm little body close, aching inside for what she’d lost. ‘You would have, Maggie. The strength to go on comes from deep inside. It’s there waiting to be tapped even though we’re not aware of it most of the time. But when you said Matthew wasn’t around, what did you mean? Was he away somewhere?’
She asked the question unthinkingly, her thoughts turned inwards, trying to imagine what it would have been like to be holding her child like this in her arms. It was almost more than she could bear, to imagine that and then be forced to face the fact that it would never be. So lost in her own bitter thoughts was she that it startled her when she looked up and saw the pain on Maggie’s face. ‘What is it, Maggie? Have I said something to upset you?’
‘No. Of course not. I...I was just remembering, that’s all.’ Maggie sat down at the table, reaching out to take Elizabeth abruptly from Beth’s arms and hold her close as though she too needed comfort. ‘I tend to forget that you know so little about our family history, Beth.’ Her smile took any sting out of the words. ‘You see, Matthew and I were divorced a few years ago. He knew nothing about the child I was expecting. In fact, he knew nothing about Janey’s existence until she was almost three years old, and that is something I shall always regret and blame myself for. I should never have kept it a secret from him. He was her father and he had a right to know, no matter what our differences were!’
What could she say? Maggie obviously felt deeply about what had gone on in the past and it struck a chord in Beth’s own conscience too. Should she have told Andrew about the baby? The thought lingered for the briefest moment before common sense reasserted itself. Andrew wouldn’t have wanted to know; his actions had made that very plain. He was no longer a part of her life and, if she was honest, she no longer missed him.
She touched Maggie’s hand, offering comfort as best she could. ‘You did what you felt was best at the time, Maggie. Don’t keep blaming yourself.’
‘I did.’ Maggie’s eyes shimmered with unshed tears, but she smiled bravely, running a finger down the baby’s cheek. ‘I couldn’t have done anything else, but I still feel guilty at times...as though I stole something precious from Matthew.’
‘I can understand that, but how does he feel about it?’
Maggie’s face softened. ‘He’s been marvellous. Oh, he was furious when he first found out, but he came to terms with it better than I could have hoped he would. We got married again and when I found out I was pregnant a second time he was over the moon. He never stopped fussing me the whole time I was carrying Elizabeth, in fact.’
‘He must have been delighted.’
‘Oh, he was, and of course it made it all far easier for me, having him there to lean on when I felt low. Of course when I was having Janey, David was marvellous. He saw me through all the bad times when I felt like giving up. He’s a good man, Beth, a strong man whom you can lean on in a time of crisis.’ She gave a soft little laugh. ‘But I don’t need to tell you of all people that.’
‘No.’ Beth glanced down at the cup of coffee, staring blankly at its shiny surface. David was a good man, a kind man, a man she could turn to. She’d found that out almost as soon as they’d met. Relying on him had been so easy and natural that it made her wonder what she would do in the future if she didn’t have his strength to lean on.
‘Well, enough of all this doom and gloom, Beth. What do you fancy to eat? You must be starving after missing dinner last night.’
Beth followed her lead, dragging her mind away from such disturbing thoughts. ‘I am rather hungry.’
‘Then how about scrambled eggs and toast? I’ll join you in fact, although I’ll forgo the toast.’ She ran a hand over one hip, a wry tilt to her mouth. ‘I still have a few pounds to lose.’
‘There is nothing wrong with you. You look fine to me the way you are, so never mind starving yourself.’ The deep voice made them both jump, Maggie smiling as she saw her husband standing in the doorway.
‘You, my love, are biased. You would think I was perfect if I was still a stone overweight.’
‘Probably. And I make no apologies for it.’ Matthew went and kissed her cheek, his eyes filled with tenderness, before he turned to Beth and smiled politely. ‘Good morning. How are you feeling today?’
Beth shifted uneasily, once more ill at ease under the dark scrutiny. She had the feeling that Matthew saw a lot that other people failed to see and it put her on edge. ‘Fine, thank you. I’m sorry about last night. I hope I didn’t spoil your dinner arrangements.’
His expression softened, became less distant. ‘Don’t give it a second thought. You need to take things easy at the moment until you’re back on your feet, but if you’re anything like Maggie then I expect that’s the last thing you’ve been doing!’
Maggie grinned. ‘What did I say? Isn’t he the original fuss-pot? I expect David is just the same.’
Matthew’s face darkened at the mention of his brother’s name. Abruptly he turned away to pour himself a cup of coffee. ‘Where’s Janey? Is she playing outside?’
Maggie seemed to hesitate, then spoke with a strange touch of defiance in her voice. ‘David has taken her to the park.’
Matthew stiffened, his hand holding the cup tightening so that Beth expected to see the china shatter with the force of it. Just for a moment bitter jealousy flashed across his face before he took a swallow of the coffee.
Beth stared at him in confusion, feeling chilled at what she’d witnessed. Why should it upset Matthew so much that David had taken his daughter out? It made no sense, especially in view of what Maggie had told her about how she’d relied on David while she’d been carrying the child.
Obviously deeply disturbed by the tense atmosphere that filled the kitchen, Maggie got up and carried the baby over to strap her into a bouncing chair set by the table. ‘I’d better make a start on breakfast. What would you like, darling? Beth and I are—’ She broke off as a small whirlwind erupted into the kitchen through the back door.
‘Mummy, Uncle David took me to the swings and the slide and came on the roundabout with me! It was great!’
‘It sounds like it.’ Maggie smiled at her excited daughter. ‘Now how about saying hello to Beth? She’s been waiting to meet you.’
The little girl turned to look at Beth, smiling shyly. Her hair was dark and curly, dancing around her glowing little face in a tangle of silky curls. Beth returned the smile then glanced at Matthew. ‘She is the absolute image of you, isn’t she?’
‘Do you think so?’ The grim expression faded slightly as he held his arms out and Janey launched herself into them, clinging hold like a monkey as he lifted her high into the air.
‘I do indeed. Hel
lo, Janey. It’s nice to meet you.’
Janey smiled back, her dark eyes, so like Matthew’s, studying Beth with the same kind of intensity. ‘Are you my aunty? Uncle David said that you are.’
‘I...yes. Yes, I am.’ Beth was surprised at the warm feeling it gave her to hear that David had said that.
‘Mummy said that you were going to have a baby, but that it had gone to heaven now. Are you going to have another one?’
Would she? A child that was hers...and David’s. He’d told her that it would be her choice if they decided to make their marriage real and now she knew that was something she wanted more than anything. A child of David’s...their child. Not to replace the one she’d lost, but a living, breathing, precious link between them.
She barely heard Maggie’s hurried admonishment to her daughter as she glanced across at David, wanting only to see some reflection of how she felt, but his face was totally blank, his eyes shuttered. Beth took a slow, painful breath, letting the precious little dream fade in the face of reality. ‘I expect we shall just have to wait and see what happens, Janey.’
Janey nodded wisely. ‘Perhaps it will be a surprise for you, like I was for Daddy. He said that I was the best surprise he ever had.’
‘That’s quite enough, Janey.’ Maggie’s voice was sharp, but David interrupted her, speaking for the first time since he’d come into the house.
‘It’s all right, Maggie. She’s probably doing us all a favour by speaking about it.’ He smiled at the little girl. ‘I’m sure that if Beth and I have another baby it will be just as good a surprise for us too, poppet.’
Beth’s heart lurched at the warmth in his voice. Had she misread him before? David was adept at hiding his feelings behind that calm mask, but who was to say if he had made that offer because he too really wanted a child to cement their marriage? Joy shone on Beth’s face as she looked at him across the room, but he wasn’t looking at her. He was looking at his brother, his eyes cold and calculating, and in a flash she realised what a stupid, blind fool she’d been. All he’d been doing was keeping up this pretence that their marriage was a real one because he hadn’t wanted Matthew to realise what a pack of lies it all was!
Promise Me Love (Harlequin Treasury 1990's) Page 10