Beth laughed as she lifted the smiling child from her high chair. She cuddled her close, feeling the tiny pain she always felt when she held Elizabeth and remembered her own baby. It made her wonder if she was right to keep on accepting Maggie’s invitations to her house, but it was always so hard to refuse, not only because she valued Maggie’s friendship, but because she was her one last link with David. It might be foolish to cling to such a link even now, but somehow she couldn’t quite sever it.
‘Right, give me the little monster and I’ll wash her face and put her down for a sleep. Then maybe we can have half an hour to ourselves, seeing as you’ve managed to get a day off from work.’ Maggie lifted the happily squirming child high in the air then cuddled her close, muttering loving threats as to what she’d do next time she threw her dish on to the floor. Beth watched them leave the room, then stood up to fill the kettle, trying to ignore the hollow ache at what she’d lost.
‘Are you OK? You look...well, sad.’ There was genuine concern in Maggie’s voice as she came back into the room, and Beth tried to smile. ‘Of course. I was just going to make some coffee. Is that all right?’
‘Yes. Fine.’ Maggie put her hand on her arm. ‘Were you thinking about your baby just now?’
‘Yes. It’s just sometimes that it hurts so much, like when I see you holding Elizabeth and realise what I’ve lost.’
Maggie gave her a fierce hug. ‘I wish there was something I could say or do to help, but there isn’t, is there? I’m sure that David feels it too.’ She saw Beth’s expression and continued determinedly. ‘Look, I haven’t mentioned this before, but I know about David not being the baby’s father. Oh, I probably don’t know it all, just what David told Matthew the night of the party.’ She closed her eyes for a moment. ‘What a night that was! I was downstairs, trying to be the life and soul to keep everyone happy, worried sick about you, and David and Matthew were upstairs going at it hammer and tongs. I never want to go through anything like that again, but in a way it was worth it. It finally cleared the air, Beth, and that was something I’d been praying would happen for a very long time. I’m just so desperately sorry that it broke you and David up. Are you sure there is no way that you two will get back together again? He worries about you, you know. Every time he phones, he asks if I’ve seen you and how you are.’
Warmth flooded through her, but deliberately Beth hardened her heart. There was no point in deluding herself, as Maggie was so obviously doing. ‘I can’t imagine why he should even mention me, frankly. I fail to see why David is the least bit interested in what I do.’
‘The same as you aren’t interested in him?’ Maggie laughed lightly. ‘I suppose I could try and tell myself that it’s just my friendship that brings you here, Beth, but we both know that’s not so! It’s just a pity that the pair of you are so pig-headed. For heaven’s sake, Beth, why don’t you just admit that you’re in love with the man? At least that would be a step in the right direction!’
Beth stiffened. ‘And which direction would that be? Along the road to more heartache. No, thanks! I’ve had my share of that.’
‘Because of the baby’s father?’
Colour flamed in Beth’s face, but she held her head up proudly. ‘That is well in the past. I never think about him now, if you want the truth. I had a lucky escape and my only excuse is that I was both gullible and lonely when I met him.’
‘Then if it isn’t him you must mean David. You are in love with him, aren’t you, Beth? I can tell the signs, how you cling to every word when I speak about him although you try your hardest to hide the fact. Love can be a stinker when it goes wrong, but sometimes all it takes is a bit of courage. Why don’t you tell David how you feel? You might be surprised at his reaction.’
‘I doubt that very much! Oh, David did come round to see me and asked me to go back to him, but do you want to know why? Because he felt we could have a good life together. That was it, nothing more. I suppose I should be grateful he didn’t try to lie about how he felt, but it isn’t enough, Maggie. I want more than that!’
‘Maybe he would like to offer more but is frightened to make the first move. Do you know he phoned the other night, long-distance from Dallas, and guess what was the first thing he said: had I seen you?’
‘That...that means nothing. You’re just looking for a happy ending, but there isn’t going to be one. David doesn’t love me. If he loves anyone at all then it’s you!’ She expected Maggie to be annoyed at the accusation. What she hadn’t expected was that she would throw back her head and laugh.
‘Me? No way! Maybe he did imagine something of the sort a while back, but that’s not how he feels now. I think you should ask yourself a few little questions and the first one should be why it is that neither of you has started divorce proceedings. Seems strange to me!’
Maggie threw her ace flat on the proverbial table then promptly changed the subject, but it was impossible for Beth to brush the challenge aside as she would have liked to. When she left Maggie’s house, she started walking, letting her feet carry her where they would, yet when she found herself outside the front door to the flats where David lived she wasn’t surprised. This was where it had all started that day when he had first helped her; would this be where she would find the answers?
She let herself into his flat, feeling safe in the knowledge that he was still thousands of miles away in Dallas. It had been months since she’d been there, but, as she stood in the quiet hall, all those days faded as the familiarity of the place welcomed her back. She closed her eyes, letting the memories seep into her mind, but they weren’t enough to live on in the future. She wanted David, the real man, the man who had helped her, held her, kissed her, made her fall in love with him. She wanted David back in her lonely life under any terms. She had been a fool to refuse to come back to him. She could have lived with him and maybe some day have taught him to love her in return.
She walked through the flat, recalling snatches of conversation they’d had, moments which had seemed insignificant then, but seemed so important now they were all she had. But it was when she stopped in the doorway to the room she’d used that everything crystallised into bitter-sharp focus when she saw the work-box lying on the bed.
She went over to it, trailing her fingers over the silky smoothness of the polished wood, tracing the pattern of roses wound round her initial. David had made this for her; surely it must mean something?
‘Beth.’ His voice was from the past and the present, linking them both. It didn’t startle her, just fitted in with her thoughts. Beth turned slowly, aware that if he looked close enough he would see everything she felt for him, but it didn’t matter. Now wasn’t the time to hide.
‘What are you doing here?’ There was ice in his deep voice and some of the memories started to disintegrate and re-form into far more bitter ones. She drew herself up against the ensuing pain, facing him across the room, but it might as well have been across a huge chasm. There was such hostility in his eyes that it would be impossible to bridge such a huge gap with memories and wishes.
‘I didn’t think that you would be here,’ she said quietly.
‘I only got back this morning.’ He raked his hair back from his brow, his eyes flat. ‘What did you want, Beth? Why did you come here?’
Beth drew in a shuddery breath as the last of the warmth faded. What if Maggie had been wrong in her advice? How could she just stand there and tell him that she loved him and hope that it would all turn out right? That was the stuff of fairy-tales, not real life.
Fear tied her tongue so that she could only stand and stare at him, and she heard him mutter something harsh under his breath. He swung round and left the room, his footsteps echoing as he moved along the hall. Beth stood still, listening to her heart pounding in the silence. What should she do? Leave, or stay and face this out? Was she really such a coward that she wouldn’t fight for what she wanted from life?
Her heart was thumping hard and fast, but she made herself wal
k steadily into the sitting-room. David was standing by the window, his arm raised against the frame as he stared out. He didn’t look round when she entered the room, but she could tell that he had heard her by the way his body tensed.
‘Well, ready to tell me what this is all about?’ His voice cracked like a whip and Beth jumped. She glanced round, then went and sat down on a chair, forcing herself to remain calm.
‘It was just an impulse that brought me here,’ she said softly. ‘I never expected you to be home, but, seeing as you are, I think we should talk.’
‘Oh, do you, indeed? That makes a change. The last time we met you stated quite clearly that you couldn’t see any reason for us to talk as everything had already been said! What makes you think that things have changed, Beth?’
His cold sarcasm hurt, but Beth steeled herself to ignore it. ‘I remember what I said, David. I was wrong. We need to talk.’
‘About what? The weather, the balance of payments? Name the topic, Beth, then we can have this “talk” before you leave!’
The pain she felt was intense as she heard the diamond hardness of his voice mocking her, but she blocked the pain from her mind. ‘Us.’
He turned then, his eyes skimming over her in a swift, all-encompassing glance that seemed to strip her to her soul. ‘Us? I didn’t think there was an “us” any longer. I asked you to come back to me and you refused. End of subject.’
‘It isn’t the end! What’s the matter, David? Did I wound that stiff pride of yours by refusing your magnanimous offer that day?’ Her eyes flashed defiance at him although she could see the growing anger on his face.
‘What you did, Beth, was give me an answer. I don’t see that there is anything left to discuss.’
‘Oh, don’t you? Don’t you think it would be fairer to both of us if you stopped being so pig-headed before it ruins both our lives?’
‘And what makes you an expert? You don’t seem to have made that much of a success of running your life, so what makes you imagine that you can help run mine?’
‘Maybe I can’t. But I mean to try to sort this out once and for all!’ She stood up, unable to sit a moment longer when her whole life was hanging in the balance. ‘Maggie told me that you always ask about me when you phone her.’
‘Did she?’ He moved from the window and poured himself a drink, then set it down on the tray untouched.
‘Yes, she did. In fact, she said that for someone who is supposedly not interested you show a great tendency to keep on asking questions.’
‘Sounds as if Maggie told you a whole lot more than she should have.’ He picked up the glass and downed the whisky in one go. ‘What are you trying to say, Beth? That I have some sort of feelings left for you and that’s why I keep asking about your welfare?’ He shook his head, his eyes glittering with amusement. ‘I hate to disillusion you, but that isn’t so.’
‘No?’ She smiled faintly, moving across the room to stand just inches from him. ‘And what if I said that I think that is a pack of lies?’
‘More lies? I lied to you about why I married you, and now I’m lying about how I feel? That doesn’t add up, Beth. One or the other must be the truth, yet you accuse me of both.’
‘I was wrong. I’m not afraid to admit it now.’
‘And what if I tell you that you weren’t, that I did plan to use you as a cover to get Maggie back?’
‘Then I wouldn’t believe you. I still don’t really know why you helped me in the first place, David, but I do know that you never intended to use me or the baby or our marriage that way!’ She said the words and knew suddenly that they were the truth. David would never have used her like that, never have stooped to such subterfuge. Everything she knew about him as a person told her that and it was just a shame that she’d been too blind to see it before.
‘Pretty sure of yourself, aren’t you?’ Colour rimmed his lean cheekbones, making her aware for the first time of how pale he was beneath the tan. There were lines of strain etched deeply on either side of his mouth and furrowed between his brows. Beth’s fingers itched to smooth them away, but she knew she didn’t have that right just yet, not until she had finally convinced him that she now understood the truth.
‘Very sure. I was upset and hurt that night at what I overheard. It knocked me for six.’ Pain flashed in her eyes, but determinedly she carried on. ‘All along I knew there was something behind your reasons for marrying me. You’d admitted to me that it would help ease the situation between you and Matthew, but if you had only explained how then maybe I wouldn’t have taken what I overheard to heart the way I did. All I could think of was that you had used me, that I’d been purely a cover.’ She smiled sadly. ‘It all added up, you see. Your determination to marry me, even your determination to keep on with our marriage when I lost the baby!’
‘What did you expect me to do? Ask you to leave? It was my fault you lost your baby, Beth. The least I could do was make sure that you had the chance to get well before you made any decision about your future. I owed you that!’
‘It was an accident, a tragic accident. It wasn’t your fault or mine. Don’t blame yourself.’ His words cut deep into her heart. Had he asked her to stay with him out of some misplaced sense of duty because he had felt responsible for the loss of her child? Had that been the reason why he had suggested that they should make their marriage real, as a kind of compensation for her loss, a way that he could make amends?
Beth searched his face, desperately seeking something that would tell her that wasn’t so, that her recent, precious hopes were justified, but there was nothing there to ease her tortured mind. She had to face the truth that Maggie had been wrong, so very wrong in her assessment of the situation. David had asked about her out of a sense of responsibility, nothing more, and nothing remotely like she wanted him to feel.
‘I’m sorry, David,’ she said quietly. ‘I was a fool to come.’
‘What do you want me to say, Beth? That I’m sorry?’ His eyes were dark and troubled, strangely veiled so that they revealed little. ‘You know how I feel and how I regret what happened.’
Regretted what? That he had married her, suggested that they should try to make a life together? Pride forbade that she should ask. She nodded, avoiding looking at him. ‘I know that. At least we’ve managed to clear the air between us. I hated the thought that we were enemies, David.’ She looked away, feeling her control slipping bit by bit. This was the last time she would ever come here, the last time she would stand in this room where once she had been offered hope and a chance for the future. She owed David a lot. The best way to repay him would be to leave now without embarrassing him any more.
She held her hand out, smiling bravely as she met his eyes. ‘Thank you, David. For all you’ve done and all you tried to do. I...I shall never forget you or your kindness.’
He took her hand, his fingers cool against hers, filling her mind with memories. ‘How will you manage, Beth? That room you’re living in is no place for you.’
She drew her hand back. ‘There is nothing wrong with it. It will do me for now until I can afford something better.’
‘There is no need for you to just manage. I can find you somewhere. Leave it to me.’ He slid back into the role of cool arrogance with such ease, taking over her life once more, but she couldn’t allow that to happen now.
‘No. Thank you. You don’t need to worry about me. I am no longer your responsibility. I have a job and somewhere to live, so your commitment is at an end. Eventually I should be able to repay most of that money you paid me too.’
He swore roughly. ‘You earned that money, Beth. It wasn’t charity!’
‘Maybe not, but I would prefer to repay you anyway.’
‘So that you can wipe the slate clean? Fair enough, Beth. Whatever you decide I’ll be happy to go along with.’ He glanced pointedly at his watch and Beth took the hint and hurried towards the door. Just for a moment she paused in the doorway, her eyes lingering on his face, then turned and ra
n down the stairs, ran and ran until her lungs felt as though they would burst, but she couldn’t run from the bitter-sweet pain of all those memories inside her head.
CHAPTER ELEVEN
THERE was a party going on in the flat upstairs.
Beth sat on the bed, hearing the thumping sound of the music pounding through the ceiling, but it felt as though it were coming from a million miles away. Nothing felt quite real any more, not even her.
With a ragged sigh, she got up and started to undress for bed, pulling a robe on over her long cotton nightgown. She had to go to work the following day and if she didn’t get some rest she would be fit for nothing, although she couldn’t imagine how she would sleep after what had happened.
Pain flashed through her as she remembered that confrontation with David and she bit her lip to hold it at bay. She couldn’t break down now; she had to find the strength from somewhere to go on and rebuild a life that would never have David as its central point. She’d thought she had accepted the breakup of their relationship that night after Maggie’s party but now she knew that somewhere deep in her mind she’d harboured a tiny, foolish, fragile dream that they could work it all out some way. Now there was no longer even that hope to cling to, only the cold realisation that this was the end. David had had his chance to tell her if he cared for her at all tonight and had not taken it. There was nothing left to add.
She didn’t hear the knock at the door at first for the noisy throb of the music. When it came again, long and angry, she started nervously. Who could it be at this time of the night? Cautiously she eased the door open a crack, then gasped when she saw David standing outside.
‘Well, are you going to let me in, or do I have to stand here all damned night?’
It was obvious from the harsh note in his voice that he was annoyed, and Beth hesitated, considering the wisdom of letting him into the room. ‘What do you want?’ she asked shortly.
‘To come in there and sort this miserable mess out once and for all!’ He pushed against the door, using his superior strength to open it wide enough so that he could walk into the room. He looked round, disgust crossing his face as he studied the peeling paintwork. ‘My God, what a dump. Looks even worse now than it did the other day.’
Promise Me Love (Harlequin Treasury 1990's) Page 14