“I couldn’t sleep until you came back,” I say and find I can’t look at him.
“Me neither and I was exhausted when I got back on the jet. But I kept jolting awake, confused and wondering where you were. I didn’t like it at all. Then I got here and curled myself around you and fell asleep in an instant.” He gets up and looks out the window.
“Exactly the same for me. I fell asleep easily once you were next to me,” I say and though it hurts, at least we’re on the same page.
“It’s as if I love you way too much,” he says without looking back at me.
I laugh and say, “I know what you mean. I find it hard to breathe when you aren’t with me. Like I take in air, but feel it’s not enough, then you come in and boom, I can get oxygen again. It’s all consuming and has to be bad.”
“You need to be here for you brother and your family and I need to fulfill my prior obligations to my band.” He shifts his weight and I can tell this is hard for him so I help him out.
“I’ll stay home and you go do what you have to. I have an interview in a couple of weeks with a literary agent and it’d be nice not to have to fly in for that. I’d like to be well rested and on my A-game for that.” I get up and go get a bottle of water. Suddenly my mouth feels dry and tears keep threatening me.
“I think this is best for us both. If this is meant to be then we will learn to give each other the space we need to do our own things.” He holds his hand out and I walk over and give him the bottle of water. He takes a drink and hands it back. “I’m not saying break up, but I am saying I won’t hold you accountable if you decide this isn’t what you want.”
My heart stops. “Kip, do you want to be with other women?”
He shudders and takes me by the shoulders. “No! That’s not what this is about. This is about the fact we’re getting our lives all wrapped up in each other's and it’s hurting us when we have to be apart. This is about learning to exist when we have to be apart.”
My heart beats again. “Okay, for a second there I thought that’s what you wanted and I can tell you now that would really be painful. A hell of a lot more painful than being without you for most of the night was.”
Kip lets me go and turns away. “The thought of you with another man makes me insane. The thought of another night without you makes me that way too, and that thing I know is bad.”
“It’s normal not to want your special person not to be with another, but not normal to have to have them with you all the time. I get what you’re saying and I agree. Life will not always lead us in the exact same direction, and we need to be able to live without each other too.” I place the water on the table and go back to sit on the bed.
“I think it best if I stay the next couple of days with you, then jet over to Cheyenne and finish out the tour. In December, you can come to L.A. if you want to of course.” Kip turns back to stare out the window.
“That’s only six months away,” I say. “Not such a long time, I suppose.”
“Only a half a year. Any couple should be able to be away from each other for that small amount of time without dying, right?” he turns and asks.
“Right,” I agree and find my mouth is saying one thing and my body is saying quite another.
“Wanna go take a swim or something?” I ask.
His eyes run over me and he looks away. “Nah, not really. I’d actually like to stay here and rest. I’m still beat and have jetlag. Would it be awful of me to hang out here and you go do whatever it is you want or feel you should do?”
I want to be with him, but I guess that really is an unhealthy choice. “No, I’ll leave you to rest. We can go eat dinner later, how about that?”
“Yeah, dinner sounds great. See you around then.” He plops onto the bed and kicks off his shoes.
I nod and wave then walk out of the room. I lean back against the door and hold my hand to my heart. If this is so damn healthy then why does my heart hurt like someone is poking it with a sharp stick?
Kip
It seems my addiction to Peyton is so much worse than I imagined. I’ve fallen asleep three times and every time I’ve dreamt of her. I wake up with a jolt and in a sweat for the love of God. It’s the most ridiculous thing!
I get up and pace around the room and go to look out the window. Levi’s truck pulls into the hotel and up to the valet. He and Tanya get out and their two little girls they each get out of the backseat. One is three and one is a mere six months old. Levi carries the baby and Tanya holds the other’s hand.
The perfect little family they look like as they walk into the hotel lobby. Normal people with normal lives. Why does this thing with Peyton have to be all consuming? Why do I need her so damn much?
I go and wash my face and look at my reflection in the mirror. I hear the door open and realize she’s back. I have to stop myself from running out to her and grabbing her up, telling her I’m an idiot and can she please come with me and forget all I’ve said.
She’s making a silly sound and I walk out to find her niece in her arms. “Look who I found in the hallway, Kip.”
The baby looks at me and holds out her little arms. I don’t know why kids love me but they do. I take her and she hugs me. My heart melts as a thought runs through my head. From the corner of my eye, I can see Peyton smile then turn away.
“So what is this little beauty’s name?” I ask the baby as if she’s going to answer me.
“Her name is Kyla. Their oldest is Kylie. Abby had a brother named Kyle who died in a motorcycle crash five years ago. I dare say if they have any more kids they’ll be named some form of Kyle as well.” She sits on the bed and takes her heels off. She rubs her feet and I have to look away so I don’t run over and do that for her.
I sit on the opposite side of the bed and play with the baby. “You look like your aunt Peyton, don’t you?” I ask the baby and make a silly face at her.
She laughs like I’m the funniest person on the planet and Peyton has to look back to see what I’m doing to crack her niece up so bad. “Damn it, she’s never laughed like that with me. Traitor!”
I lie back on the pillows and hold her up over my head as she giggles and squirms. “Who’s the pretty girl?”
Peyton lies back too next to me and watches the baby’s funny reactions to me. “She’s in love with you already, you can see it in her eyes. Look how they twinkle and shine,” Peyton says.
It’s her eyes that remind me of Peyton and I find I can’t look away from them. Just like Peyton, this little wench has sucked me in and now I’m lost. She coos and reaches out, touching my face and squeezing it and Peyton laughs.
I look over at her and nearly feel like crying at how fucking much I love her. I shake my head and hand the baby to her. “Here, take her. I have to use the bathroom.”
She takes the baby and gives me a strange look. “Isn’t that where you were when I walked in, Kip?”
I haul ass to the bathroom without answering her. Cold water I splash over my face as I fight to regain some composure. I should leave now. I can’t take this.
When I go back out ready to pack up and leave I find Peyton is gone. And now I feel alone and sad and find myself falling onto the bed. Never have I felt so torn.
The door opens and in walks Peyton and she’s looking pissed and maybe this is for the best. A fight will help me to go. This is just what I need. I hope she’s mean and makes this real easy.
Peyton
Kip is acting so odd and I find myself growing angry. This is more than just finding our need for each other unhealthy, so much more. He can’t even play with my niece with me. It seems almost as if he hates me. If that’s the case then he can just take his ring and car and leave.
Will my heart be broken? Fuck yes it will, but it’ll mend. The sooner the better if that’s his intentions.
I stomp over to him as he lies face down on the bed. I open my mouth, prepared to tell him to leave if he hates me. My hands land on my hips and he sits up, seemingly prepar
ing to do battle.
His eyes narrow and his lips form a thin line. I glare into them and see the hint of a tear and promptly fall apart. My knees hit the floor as my tears flow like rivers down my cheeks. I lay my head on his knees and sob like a child.
“What’s happening to us?” I ask in ragged breaths.
“The truth?” he asks.
I pull my head up and look at him to find tears running down his cheeks. “No, lie to me.”
He smiles a crooked smile. “I’m afraid of this. What we have.”
I laugh. “Me too.”
I climb up on the bed and sit next to him, taking his hand in mine. He kisses my hand. “It’s overwhelming, Peyton. It’s much too soon to feel this much I think. I looked at that baby and the first thing I thought was I wonder if ours will be as cute as she is.”
I rest my head on his shoulder. “Ours will be even more adorable. She’ll have your eyes and my hair. And before you say a word, I know this is too fast. This whole thing has moved too fast and our hold on one another is too tight.”
“So you’ll understand that I have to go,” he says and my heart breaks into a million pieces.
I pull the ring off and hand it to him. I get up and take the keys from my purse and place them in his hands. “Here you go then. Thanks for the fun times, Kip. I had a blast, and you taught me more than I could’ve ever imagined. Now go on out there and be the rock star you are. Forget about me, forget about this whole thing.”
I walk towards the door and his voice stops me. “Peyton, I’m sorry.”
Without looking back, I flash him the peace sign and walk out of the hotel room and keep walking without looking back.
Kip
It’s Thanksgiving and I’m doing the second to last show before our December break. Sometime in the first week of January I have to decide if I want to sign back up with Silas. He’s kept us busy and I have to admit he helped me through the break up with Peyton.
The first week I couldn’t sleep and cried a lot. So he brought in a doctor and got me some sleeping pills and anti-anxiety pills. After a mere three months I was able to stop taking them.
Does the woman still cross my mind? Only every day and two or three times every night, but I handle it a lot better than I did at first. I sold the car I bought her. It held too many memories and I have thirteen cars at home anyway.
I’m getting geared up to spend the Christmas holiday with Max and his family. I’m getting the twins little ponies. Zoey should lose her little mind. I’ve been shopping online as we’ve traveled and have had presents sent to my place in L.A. for all of them.
I hate to admit it, but I even bought some for Peyton. I don’t know why. I suppose I’m a huge idiot. She’d never take me back.
The gig is in Seattle and it is raining. The rain always brings me down. It’s the type of weather when one thinks about staying in bed all day and I can’t do that anymore. I can barely stay in a bed at all. I sleep on the sofa a lot. It’s small and there’s no empty space where another body should be.
With the hood up on my black jacket I walk along the sidewalk. No one recognizes me, not that anyone can even see me as I walk along. It’s dark, but lights shine from the different stores.
I slow down and look inside the window of a book store. There are several books sitting upright on a table inside. One of the covers has a man looking up into a night sky, full of stars. The title is, ‘Star Struck’ and the name of the author is K. Reed.
A little sign on the table says there’s a book signing by the authors of all the books on that table tomorrow. It says they’re all new authors and everyone should come and welcome them to the literary world.
I walk on and think about how Peyton said she wanted to write romance novels and wonder how that’s going for her. She was going to find an agent, I wonder how that went.
Her brother, Tyler, I did check on and he made a full recovery and has a little boy now. Silas has his ways of finding out tidbits of information for me. It’s hard because I want to forget about them all so bad, but can’t.
Why is it that some people come and go out of your life without you thinking about them all the time and sometimes never again?
Peyton lingers, her family lingers and there are times when I think I can smell her. I know I’m crazy and that’s exactly why it had to end. It was all too crazy. No one should have that much hold over another person, ever.
My cell rings and I look to find Max calling. “Hey there, bloke,” I say as I answer.
“Hi, Hunky Kip,” Zoey’s sweet little voice greets me.
My voice goes all high as I hear it’s her. “Hey, baby girl. How’s my best girl?”
She giggles and melts my heart. “I’m good and being good too.”
Her brother’s voice I can hear in the background, shouting, “Nu uh, she ain’t being good! She hit me in the face.”
“You better be quiet, Zane or I’ll do it again!” she shouts straight into the phone.
“Zoey,” I say. “That’s not nice to hit your brother.”
“Well, he ‘served it. He told me you ain’t gettin’ me no pony,” she says sulkily.
I’m not sure if I can hold onto my secret if she keeps up this torture. “Santa has to bring it, but he only will if you’re good. Hitting your brother is not good.”
“Oh! I’m sorry! I’ll never do it no more and I’ll give ‘em my ‘sert for the rest of my life,” she says and I believe she will.
“Maybe that’ll help. We’ll have to wait and see if that works, won’t we?”
“Dad wants to talk to you. Bye, I love you,” she says.
“Thanks man, she decked Zane good, the little monster,” Max says.
“Girls,” I say. “Can’t live with ‘em.”
Max adds, “Can’t live without ‘em.”
I laugh but it kind of hits at that empty spot in my soul Peyton used to fill. “So, still on for Christmas then?” I ask.
“Sure, buddy. That girl would kill me in my sleep if she doesn’t get to see her hunky Kip.” He laughs and I hear Lexi ask him something.
“Tell, Lexi hi for me,” I say as I find I miss her and how she talks so freely. Peyton was free like her. Peyton was a lot like her.
“Oh, this may be a touchy subject,” Max says. “So tell me if you don’t want to hear it, it’s about Peyton.”
I stop walking and think on it a second. “Yeah, I want to hear it.”
“Lexi went to the mall a few weeks ago and Peyton was there,” he says.
“In Houston?” I ask.
“Yeah, she was at a book signing with a group of young authors. They’re on a tour around the states. She had no idea of who Lexi was, but you sent us those pictures of you two and Lexi recognized her. Lex bought her book and noticed the name and how she signed her copy was K. Reed. I guess she’s using a pen name.”
I move forward slowly. “The name of the book?”
“Star Struck, Lexi and I read it. It sounds a hell of a lot like your story.”
“Oh, yeah. Did my character come off as a jerk?” I ask with a laugh, but my stomach hurts like I was just punched.
“Nope, a real confused young rock star who didn’t realize he wanted to be anything but one. Chip and Hayden got married and lived happily ever after with three kids and a dog named Petey.” Max’s words come out jokingly, but they make me want to cry.
“Well, what do you know about that? I told the girl that hanging out with me would help her be a better writer. Turns out I was right. Good for her,” I say and feel like I may fall apart. “Hey, I’ll look that book up. And talk to you soon, Max. Bye.”
I hang up and find myself in a daze. Seems she was able to get closure with the writing of that book. I bet she’s done with any feelings she had for me. Odd, she’ll be right here in this very town tomorrow.
I turn back around and go back to the bookstore and purchase the book. I’d like to see just how our pretend lives turned out. I hope she made my character good
looking.
Peyton
My back is aching as the tour bus pulls into the motel parking lot in Seattle, Washington. The new author book tour doesn’t have us staying in the type of accommodations big wigs stay in. The little motels offer subpar mattresses, and my back is not happy. Thank the Lord this is the second to the last stop. The next one is in Los Angeles.
After that, back home we all go from LAX. My first plane ride and I’m already nervous. I’m nervous about L.A. period.
That’s where Kip lives. Not sure if he’ll be home, but it is his town and though extremely unlikely, we may run into each other and if he sees me I don’t know how that will go.
Do I miss him? Like the desert misses the rain. But he and I have a crazy dependency on each other. Not only is it unhealthy, but it’s not a thing he wants.
It is a little hard for me to take that he hasn’t called or texted even once. But he must have his reasons. Whatever the hell they are. I have mine for not trying to get in touch with him as well.
The first month was the hardest. I didn’t sleep much. Then one night I did. After that it got easier and easier to be alone. Not that I’m ever really alone.
I found it therapeutic to write a fictitious story about Kip and I and what we had. It was brilliant and brief, much like a shooting star. But the effects will last a lifetime.
I wonder if he ever even thinks about me.
As I go into my small motel room, I flip on the television. The local evening news is on and I sit on the edge of the bed and watch it. I’m curious as to what type of weather we’ll have for tomorrow’s book signing.
This is Seattle after all, so I suppose rain is in the forecast. Like always. A commercial comes on and I turn to unpack my bag and pull the dress I’ll be wearing tomorrow out and hang it up.
Music fills the air as the commercial comes on and I look over my shoulder to see the words, ‘Kip Dixon’ on the screen. The music is from one of his songs and it seems he’s playing a concert right here tonight.
Hacked For Love & The Dom's Songbird Page 34