“I’ll go and grab us a few slices,” Kelli says. “Be right back.”
“Oi,” I hiss at Ruby when Kelli is out of earshot. “Stop being rude.”
“I can’t help it,” she snaps. “Owen clearly has history with her.”
Owen has wandered off to look for vodka, but as if he hears his name, he looks over and waves at us.
“Owen has probably shagged half the people in this building,” I tell her. “Stop being snooty about it. It’s not like you thought he was a virgin. And anyway, you’ve literally been on one date.”
She huffs because she knows I’m right. “I like him,” she says.
I try not to remind her that she said he was alright for a shag but nothing more. “Kelli seems nice,” I tell her. “You could do with a friend.”
“I have you,” she says, frowning.
“This isn’t uni,” I remind her. “Our shifts are crazy so we probably won’t get to spend that much time together.”
“I know,” she sighs.
“So?” I push. “Are you going to play nice?”
“Yes,” she snaps. “Now stop being the sensible grown-up one out of the two of us. That’s my job.”
“Of course,” I say. I look around and see Kelli waving at me from the other side of the terrace. I wave back and then notice that Noah isn’t where he was before.
“I still don’t want to be friends with smelly Kelli,” Ruby says, folding her arms across her chest.
“Seriously,” I hiss, looking around for his light brown head, “stop acting like a bloody four-year-old.”
“What are you two whispering about?” asks Ben as he and Owen return with glasses of real wine for us.
Never mind that. “Have you seen Noah?” I ask.
Ben and Owen look at each other. So they’ve seen him but don’t want to tell me. “Well?” I ask.
“He’s in his apartment,” Ben informs me.
“Okay,” I say with a nod. “Is Tara here?”
They both frown at me. “Who’s Tara?” Ben asks.
“His wife,” I tell them.
Ben frowns, then turns to Owen and starts to laugh.
“What’s so funny?” I ask.
“I thought that’s what you said the other night,” Ben says, laughing. “And I thought Noah was the one who was pissed off his face.”
What? “He was married,” I say confidently.
They both shake their heads. “He’s never been married, Ariel.” Owen nudges Ben and nods at me. “Tell her.”
Ben shrugs. “He’s never had a girlfriend since he’s lived here.”
“And how long has he lived here?” Ruby asks, butting into the conversation.
Owen holds up his hand. “Five years.”
Ruby scoffs. “You’re telling me that he hasn’t had sex in five years?”
“Erm, no,” Owen says, glancing at me. “He’s had sex, he just hasn’t had a girlfriend.”
Ruby turns to me. “Did you two start a club or something?”
I smile at her. “No.”
“How do I get to his apartment?” I ask.
Ben shakes his head. “You can’t go to him.”
“Why not?”
“He’s not alone,” he tells me, and it feels like he’s slapped me at the same time.
I can’t believe he’d take a girl back to his apartment right in front of my face. What a bloody hypocrite! “Just tell me how to get to it,” I say.
“You’ll have to go back to the foyer and knock on his front door,” Owen says. “But I wouldn’t if I were you.”
I smirk at him. “Oh, you’re definitely not me,” I say, walking away from them.
“She’s crazy,” I hear Owen say.
“You don’t know the half of it,” Ruby replies.
I exit the terrace and stand on the marble floor of the foyer. His double doors stare at me, daring me to disturb him.
I take that dare.
I stride across the floor and knock on his door three times. Noah answers the door within four seconds and he’s fully dressed. He blanches when he sees me standing in front of him. “Ariel,” he says. “What do you want?”
“Hiya,” I say brightly, stepping into his apartment. My eyes quickly take in the chrome gadgets and cream leather sofa. He has dark wooden floors and lots of beige things scattered around. It feels kind of cold and not at all welcoming. “Wow, nice place you have here.”
He sighs and shuts the door behind me. Where is she? I start to walk towards the kitchen, where I’m greeted by black, glossy units, sparkling grey worktops, and bright white walls and flooring. “This kitchen doesn’t look like it gets used,” I say.
“It doesn’t,” he replies, sounding bored. “Now what do you want?”
I turn to face him and sigh. He looks old. Well, not old, but older. When he smiles or frowns, he has lines at the side of his eyes. “To talk,” I finally say. I know he’s just watched me looking at him.
“I’m ready,” a voice calls out from somewhere behind me.
I don’t turn around, but I raise both of my eyebrows at Noah.
“It’s not what you think,” he says quickly.
“It’s none of my business,” I say, surprising myself at how calm my voice sounds when really I want to crumple to the floor.
“I’ve been trying to talk all week. Why now?”
I shrug. “It feels right.”
“I’ll bet,” he says, striding past me towards what I assume is his bedroom. He shuts the door and I hear him talking to someone. A few seconds later, Candy emerges with a smug grin on her face. She has a short playsuit on and stupidly high black heels.
She tucks her dyed brown hair behind her ear and smiles at me. “He’s all yours, sweetie.”
Who does she think she is? “The last thing I am is sweet,” I tell her. “Shut the door behind you when you leave.” I march past her and into his room. “What the fuck?” I seethe at him. Just as I say it, I realise that I have no right to be annoyed with him or angry that he chose to do it right under my nose. He’s not mine anymore. He’s free to do what he wants.
He stands slowly from the bed and glares at me. “One, I told you it wasn’t what it looked like. Two, it’s none of your fucking business, and three, I was just helping to put her zip back up.”
“Zip?” I repeat. “Really?”
He huffs and rubs both temples with each hand. “I was talking to her about her father. I operated on him last week and we were talking about his progress. She needed to use the loo, but she has some stupid playsuit thing on and she couldn’t unfasten the zip. It was stuck at the top.”
“She doesn’t look like your type,” I say, and I know I’m being childish.
“She isn’t,” he says. “It appears my type is fucked up eighteen-year-old girls.”
My mouth twitches. “I’m not eighteen anymore.”
“Exactly,” he says. “Your age can’t be used as an excuse anymore, Ariel.”
I resent that. But I came I here to talk so this is what I’m going to do. “I’m sorry for asking you to be that way with me.”
He sighs and sits on the black cotton sheets of his king-sized bed. The walls are grey. It’s such a manly room that I find myself smiling. “We’re actually doing this?” he asks, sounding sceptical.
“We’re doing some of it,” I whisper. I sit down beside him and take a deep breath, realising that my whole thigh is touching his. Tiny little impulses zoom up and down my leg. “Everything I’ve ever done since the day I met you has a trail back to something.”
“The same something?” he asks quickly.
“Well,” I say, “there are two things, but they sort of tie in together.”
“Ariel,” he warns. “You’re not actually giving me anything here.”
“I’m trying,” I whisper. “It’s just really hard. I’m having to trust you with both my past and my future.”
He frowns. “Okay, what if I ask some questions?”
I nod. �
�That might work.”
He pushes his hand around the back of his neck. “This thing that you’re saying is connected to everything, is it the reason you asked me to do what I did? Is it the reason you’re the way you are? Is it why you don’t let anyone in?”
Wow. He’s clearly had these questions on the tip of his tongue. “Yes,” I say. “To all of your questions.”
“Why?” he asks. “Why don’t you let anyone in?”
“Because I can’t,” I reply.
“You can’t?” he repeats.
“No. It wouldn’t be fair on the other person.”
He leans forward and rests his elbows on his knees. “Because?”
“Because I’m not going to be around forever. What’s the point of falling in love with someone if I’m not going to be around after it?” I huff out a big breath and fall backwards on the bed. The sheets have the faintest smell of strawberries on them. I place my hands over my stomach and feel my heart thumping in my chest.
He turns to look at me over his shoulder. “Are you dying?”
“Can you die from a broken heart?” I ask.
He blinks at me. “No, you can’t.”
“Then no,” I sigh. “I’m not dying.”
“You loved me?”
Did he think I didn’t? “Oh, Noah. Of course I loved you. You saved me. You gave me the most selfless Christmas anyone could ever imagine and you were perfect in every way. I loved everything about you.”
His eyes narrow. “Then why did you leave me?”
“Because I had to,” I fire back. “I did it for you.”
“Don’t give me that bullshit,” he spits.
“I’m not,” I say. “I really loved you. You were, and still are, my first and only love. I haven’t loved anyone else since you, and I don’t want to.”
“Because you can’t,” he mocks.
I look up at the ceiling. “Yes. Because there’s a chance I’ll just disappear.”
He sighs and falls back onto the bed so he’s lying beside me. “And what about the stuff you asked me to do to you? Was all of that because you thought you might disappear too?”
My heart starts to hammer in my chest. “My counsellor would tell me to say no,” I tell him honestly. “There was a different reason why I behaved that way.”
“Can you tell me that one?”
“Not yet,” I say, feeling the panic begin to subside. “I will, but just not yet. I’m really sorry for that bit, Noah. I’m sorry for leaving you without a proper explanation, but I thought I was doing the right thing. I thought it would be the best thing for you.”
“But you’re not sorry about the other stuff?”
I stiffen and feel my hands clenching into fists. “No. It wasn’t my fault.”
“Does your counsellor tell you that too?”
Is he being sarcastic? “Yes, he does.”
He nods. “Okay. And how long have you being seeing him?”
“I’ve stopped since moving back here, but it was about four years,” I say.
“I think you should ask for a refund and go find yourself a better one,” he says, standing up.
“Excuse me?” I stammer.
“You’re still acting the same way that you were six years ago. You’re still sleeping around with every Tom, Dick and Harry, and you’re still holding onto some crap from your past. It’s not working. Whatever it is that he does with you, it isn’t working, Ariel. He’s clearly gotten more out of you than I have, but he isn’t helping you to get over it.”
“How would you know?” I snap. “I’m a lot better than I was. And sometimes, Noah, there are just some things in life that people don’t get over.”
“Yeah,” he sighs. “Ariel Miller being one of them.”
I open my mouth to say something back, but words fail me. He’s saying he never got over me. Is that what he’s saying? I lean up on my elbows and stare at him. “What?”
“You,” he says, glaring at me. “You wormed your little way into my heart and got stuck there. And I hate you for it.”
Is he saying he still loves me after all this time? Is he? He’s clearly angry with me and I know there’s still stuff I need to tell him, but I could be honest about one thing at least. “I’m still in love with you,” I tell him in a whisper. “And I think I always will be.”
“I can’t let you do it to me again, Ariel.”
I shake my head. “I don’t want to,” I say quickly. “I was just being open and honest. There’s still the possibility that I might just go. I couldn’t do it to you even if you begged me.”
“Just tell me what it is that you’re running from,” he pleads. “It can’t be anything worse than some of the things I’ve imagined over the last six years.”
“It might be,” I tell him. “And I don’t want to risk losing you.”
“You can’t lose me when you don’t have me.”
I shrug even though his words feel like they’ve pierced my heart. “I could still lose.”
He starts to pace up and down the room. “Do you kiss them?” he suddenly asks.
I stare at him while I consider my response. He’s going to think I’m even more messed up than he already does. “No. You’re the only person I’ve ever kissed properly, Noah. Just you.”
His hand shoots out and grabs onto my wrist. He pulls me really hard, forcing me up off the bed and into his arms. He slams us into the wall, and before my brain has a chance to catch up to protest, he cups my face with both hands and kisses me.
And it’s like coming home.
I haven’t forgotten the feel of his plump lips or the way his mouth moves, even after all this time. Our lips mash together in perfect symmetry as his tongue dips in to explore. I’ve missed this. I’ve missed him. His breathing starts to quicken at the same time that his fingers push into my hair, digging into my skull. I place my hand on his chest where I know his scar is, and it’s like I’ve pressed a button. He freezes and steals his mouth away from mine, but his fingers stay buried in my hair.
“I can’t do this,” he breathes, leaning his forehead against mine. “I want to have you, but I want the truth more. I need it,” he tells me, and I think I understand. He doesn’t trust me either. “I apologise for what just happened.”
Why is he talking to me like I’m a colleague? “Okay,” I say. What else am I supposed to say?
“I think we should stay away from each other,” he suggests. “Properly this time.”
I nod. “Don’t leave though,” I tell him. “You were here first. Let me find something else.”
He doesn’t answer. He pulls his fingers out of my hair and rubs his thumb against my cheek. “I’ve never loved anyone like I loved you,” he says. “We were a mess, but we were a fucking beautiful mess.”
I close my eyes and lean my face into his palm. “I know.”
Chapter 21
THEN
The Beginning Of The End
“What are these marks on your body?” Noah asks, kissing them before flicking his tongue over my nipple
“Nothing,” I say, arching my back to press my breasts further into his mouth.
“Ariel,” he says, “I’ve only known you for seven weeks, but I already know when you’re lying.” He puts his mouth around my nipple and sucks, making my breasts throb and ache. “Is it me,” he says, “or do these bad boys feel bigger?”
“It’s you,” I huff. “And you won’t like my answer.”
“How many times have you said that to me but told me anyway, yet here I am?” He crawls up my body, letting his erection trail a line across my skin until it gets stuck in the divot between my legs. “Tell me.”
“Can I ask you to do something instead of answering?”
He smiles against my neck as he kisses me. “How is that answering my question?”
“You’re a smart guy,” I tell him. “I think you’ll figure it out.”
“Go on,” he urges.
“I think I like pain,” I whisper. �
�I’d like you to hurt me a little bit. Be rough.”
He pulls away from me. “Are you being serious? You did this to yourself?”
I nod. “Candlewax. It turned me on a little bit.”
He starts to shake his head.
“Just this once,” I say, “then I can say we tried it and I won’t ask you again.”
“Do you know how crazy this is?”
“It isn’t though, really, is it? I’m not saying I want you to dominate me or that I want to join some weird S&M club, I just want you to be a bit rough.” I shrug. “That’s all.”
He takes a deep breath and narrows his eyes at me. “Define rough.”
I curl my fingers over the top of his and press in on the skin of my arm. Hard. I gasp, feeling the tingling of pain as it starts to merge with pleasure. “Lose control,” I tell him. “Throw me around a little bit. Dig your fingers in. Use me,” I say. “Take me however you want.”
“Ariel,” he sighs, “you’re fairly new to this whole sex thing. How do you even know you like stuff like that?”
“I just do,” I say.
“Answer me properly and I’ll do it.”
I turn my face away from him. He’s a crafty bastard at times. “The first time we had sex,” I say, “you accidentally left a mark on me. I didn’t feel it at the time, but afterwards I kept looking at it. Each time I went to the bathroom, I would stare at it for minutes, just looking at it while I recalled the memory of how I got it. I liked having that mark there. I liked the constant reminder on my body of what we’d done.”
“What if I don’t enjoy doing it to you?” he asks, looking nervous. It’s the first time I’ve ever seen him act like this and it makes me smile.
“We’re experimenting,” I say. “Isn’t that what people do when they’re in a sexual relationship? Don’t they test boundaries and explore fantasies?”
He laughs. “Only if you happen to stumble across a really open-minded girl.”
“That’s me,” I say, smiling at him. “Next time we can try something you’ve always wanted to try.”
“Anal,” he deadpans.
I don’t know if he’s joking around, but I’ll call his bluff anyway. “Okay. Get some lube then.”
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