He nodded, his jaw hard. I felt a part of him understanding, including the parts I hadn’t said out loud. Even so, his anger remained cold.
He said, “So you just… what? Let it happen?”
I shrugged, glancing at the walls.
I felt Revik notice. I saw his eyes follow mine around the sharp contours of the small apartment. I felt him understand, but rather than lessening his anger, I felt that anger in him grow even more intense.
“More or less,” I said, giving another shrug.
“More or less.”
“Yeah.”
A coil of fury left his light, enough to make me wince.
“Well, I guess it’s good you’re so well-trained as a whore,” he said, his German accent thick. “It must make all of this so much easier for you, wife.”
I stared at him.
I fought with what to say to that, then realized there was nothing to say to that.
I considered leaving. I didn’t though, and not only because I knew that might have been why he’d said it. I just stood there, staring out the window. I wanted to say more. I wanted to, but I didn’t do that, either. Maybe he could even feel that, because his expression only hardened.
As per usual with us, his ability to remain silent outlasted mine.
“Revik,” I sighed. “Can we just cut the shit? For one night? Please?”
“Allie, we can’t. You know we can’t.”
I shook my head. “I don’t mean about that. I mean about us. Can we cut the shit about us and just talk for once? Can we be married tonight?”
I felt his anger worsen, even as his shields seemed to thicken around his physical body. Trying to make my presence less confrontational, I softened my light and moved back, walking over to stand by the kitchen table. I rested my weight on the edge of it and planted my palms, wrapping my fingers around the metal edge.
Looking up, I tried to meet his gaze, but he wouldn’t let me.
Eventually I gave that up, too.
“Do you really think Shadow’s going to try that now?” I made my voice more subdued. “…Here? We’re hundreds of miles away from them, Revik. You don’t even know that he can get to you long distance.”
Revik gave me a hard look. I saw the warning there.
I saw the disbelief, too.
I felt my jaw tighten at his expression, but I plowed on, shrugging with one hand.
“You don’t know if he can get to you at all when you’re outside of his immediate visual range,” I continued, my voice neutral. “‘Dori’s pretty sure you need to be inside one of his constructs at the very least. In fact, all of the evidence from our senior infiltrators suggests that. He would’ve used you to kill me months ago if he could have. He wouldn’t keep trying to lure us closer to him, like he did in New York and Dubai.”
Seeing the immovable look on Revik’s face, I fought not to react.
Shrugging with a hand, I added, “He probably hasn’t even re-grown or re-implanted into a new body yet. Balidor seems to think that’s not a simple thing for him, either. Chan killing his last body caused a noticeable crash in their construct in Dubai, right? Even if it didn’t affect the overall network? So it couldn’t have been nothing to him, to lose a body like that. He’s probably distracted with other stuff right now, or else––”
“Allie, all of that… every bit of it… is just bullshit speculation.”
I bit my lip, then forced another shrug. I used my shoulders that time, my hands gripping the edge of the desk. At least he was talking to me, I told myself.
At least he was talking to me about something other than Chandre.
“It’s evidence-based bullshit, at least,” I said, feeling my jaw harden. “Which is more than your… I don’t know… rampant paranoia based ‘caution’ or whatever you want to call it.”
He gave me a harder stare. “Sorry if I’m not about to risk you and Lily’s lives on your fucking guesses, Alyson.”
I felt my anger worsen. More than that, my defensiveness.
No one could make me defensive like my own damned husband, especially when he was in one of these moods. I knew the mood was my fault. I knew that––and I knew I’d be fucking livid if I’d seen him kissing someone else, whatever the reason, especially now.
But I also needed him to trust me, damn it.
After everything we’d been through, I deserved that much.
I also knew this was a tactic of his––meaning to piss me off to the point that the conversation was over. Even now, he might be waiting until he had a semi-valid excuse to leave. He’d been doing the exact same thing to me for weeks now, so I knew that wasn’t all about Chandre, whatever he might be telling himself.
And yeah, he was better at avoiding me than I was at not letting him.
Fighting to pull my reactions back, I bit my lip. Exhaling, I clicked under my breath, maybe just to keep from saying anything before I’d calmed down.
I looked at him, focusing on his clothes that time.
He wore a threadbare T-shirt that did nothing to calm me down in other respects, or to get my mind off what I’d been hoping might happen tonight. Given that I was now feeling pretty damned sure it wouldn’t happen, looking at him didn’t really help my mood. I knew I wasn’t being rational about it, but I couldn’t really help that, either.
The truth was, I was hurting. I had been for awhile.
Chan had zero to do with that, and he knew it. Or he should know it.
I’d been hurting since before Dubai.
He’d barely let me be alone with him since he’d regained consciousness. We hadn’t kissed. He didn’t touch me at all if he could help it, nor would he let me touch him. He rarely even looked at me these days I was realizing. When he did, it wasn’t for very long.
So yeah, maybe my eyes lingered on him longer than they should have.
I could tell he’d been fighting at some point that day.
He’d been working out obsessively again, pretty much since he’d been cleared by the medical techs following that mess in Dubai. Even before we got to Bangkok he’d been running on the ship’s deck. Fighting a few hours a day. He’d been lifting, even swimming.
Wreg told me Revik approached him the day he got cleared by the techs and asked for his help in designing routines that would push him more than he might push himself. The combination had him lean but hard, which was apparent even through the loose clothes he wore. His work pants hung on him, a dusty black, also probably from fighting in the ring earlier.
Or maybe running, if he really had been running fully clothed.
Exhaling, I forced my eyes off his body.
Then I held up my hands, palms up, a seer’s gesture of defeat.
“So?” I said. “That’s it, then? We’re not going to talk?” I bit my lip, then said it anyway. “And clearly… you’re not going to touch me. Right?”
He exhaled, clicking more angrily than I had.
“Alyson, for fuck’s sake. If you think I want to touch you after what you just did––”
“Don’t pretend this is about Chandre,” I cut in. Looking away from his glare, I fought to control my voice and failed. “You’ve been avoiding touching me for weeks, Revik. This isn’t about Chandre. So let’s just have the conversation, okay? The quick and dirty version. Just tell me. Tell me to shut up about it, Revik. I’ll shut up. Hell, I’ll move to a different room if that’s what you want––”
“Fine,” Revik said, his eyes glass. “Get the fuck out.”
I stared at him.
I felt my face harden as his words sank in, as his expression refused to waver. Then I was fighting not to react for real.
“Do you mean that?” I said finally.
He exhaled nothing but anger. “I honestly don’t know.”
I bit my lip, shaking my head as I stared out the window.
Now I really didn’t know if I should leave. I knew if I did, I might really be sleeping somewhere else that night. Maybe for a lot longer than just o
ne night.
When I looked back at him that time, my mind fell silent.
His expression shocked me.
But it was more than that.
I knew a part of it was my human upbringing, which in some ways remained pretty danged ingrained, in some areas of my psyche at least. I knew male seers were different than male humans. I knew one of those differences had to do with cultural norms around demonstrating emotions. I knew that, and I’d known it for a long time now. Even so, I never really expected him to cry, no matter what I said.
Part of it was him. His whole soldier, fighter thing made the contrast even more dramatic. I expected him to yell at me, to get angry, but not to fall apart.
So when he did cry, yeah… it always floored me.
It also rendered me pretty much speechless.
Like now, I just stood there, unsure if I should try to approach him or not. I waited until he’d pulled it back, watching as he wiped his face with the heel of his hand, avoiding my eyes. He was leaning against the edge of the thick glass window. He looked out it periodically even as he cried, probably to continue avoiding looking at me.
I watched him fold then refold his arms.
I watched as he continued to fight with his own light. And yeah, damn it… I wanted to touch him. I wanted to touch him so badly I felt a swell of frustrated anger that made me want to yell at him. I wanted to immerse myself in his light, badly enough that I was on the verge of begging him to let me.
But I already knew he wouldn’t.
Worse, it might just shut him down more.
“Allie,” he said, his voice rough. “I don’t understand why you don’t see this…”
I deflated even more.
“I do see it,” I said, softer.
“I don’t mean about Chan.”
“I know what you mean. Revik, I get it. I swear I do.”
“I don’t think you do.”
I shook my head, clicking, but he wasn’t finished.
“…I don’t want to hurt you.” He looked at me, his eyes still overly bright, despite the hardness of his mouth. “I tried to kill you, Allie.” At my silence, he looked away. “No one will even tell me what I did. I can guess. Of course I can fucking guess. But I can’t see it. You block me whenever I try.”
I winced. Thinking about his words, I shook my head slowly.
“It’s not going to help you to see that, Revik. Anyway, you can guess, like you said. Whatever that trigger is, you thought I was the enemy. Imagine what you’d do if you thought that of anyone.” I shrugged at his incredulous look. “It wasn’t you, Revik. Do you think anyone here is confused about that? Anyone at all? Besides you, that is?”
“What difference does it make, whether it was ‘really’ me or not?” he said, his voice still holding that incredulous note. “Allie… why would you want to risk that?”
I sighed, combing the hair out of my face, fighting not to react.
I gestured around the small room, sighing again.
“Revik. We’re in the same room now. What’s the difference? If you’re right and Menlim can jerk your puppet strings whenever he wants, why doesn’t he just kill me now?”
“We have gas hooked to this room,” Revik reminded me.
“The gas’ll be on if we fuck, too,” I said, exasperated.
He winced. Probably at my word choice.
Seeing his closed expression, I sighed in frustration.
“Revik. What’s the difference? Seriously? We’ve been in the same room off and on for weeks. We’ve been alone together. We’ve been alone when there wasn’t gas. Or ‘Dori and Tarsi watching. We’ve been alone with Lily.”
“Maybe we shouldn’t be,” he said, jaw hard. “I told you I should wear a fucking collar, Allie. I’ve been saying that since day one––”
“No,” I said, shaking my head. “No. Don’t play dense about this. I’m saying why is sex the thing you’re fixating on? Why touching me? Why is that where you’re drawing the line?”
“Because I can’t fucking control my light when we have sex!” he snarled.
His words and light silenced me.
It felt like getting hit. Close to, anyway.
It was intense enough to bring me up short––and cause me to retract my light, which I hadn’t realized until then was all over his.
I felt his anger around Chan in that. I felt his frustration, the pain on him that he’d been blocking from me––for weeks, I realized.
I felt the two things mix.
I felt him wanting to beat the fuck out of Chandre.
I felt the utter lack of rationality around that.
His face darkened in that silence, but I didn’t feel any kind of apology in his light. He took his weight off the wall by the window, but he didn’t move any closer.
“Gods.” He wiped his face with a hand and turned, staring at me like he couldn’t fathom where I was coming from. His German accent grew prominent, making it harder to understand him. “I’ve never been able to control my light with you. I can’t change that now, no matter what you and ‘Dori and whoever else teach me. It’s fucking impossible for me. It will be worse now, because we’re separate. I can barely keep my light under control around you as it is.”
His voice grew colder, even as his eyes brightened.
“You pulling these passive-aggressive seduction games doesn’t help… wife.”
I swallowed. Even so, a near relief washed over my light. I couldn’t help it. I felt like I was seeing him for the first time in weeks.
“…And you’re right,” he growled, staring at me. “I don’t want to be here right now. I didn’t want to come here even before I saw you stick your tongue down Chandre’s goddamned throat. I don’t want to be in this fucking room and have to watch you try to seduce me. I can’t fucking stand it, Allie. If I didn’t know better, I’d think you were trying to get me to go to a prostitute for real. Your utter lack of empathy on this with me is unbelievable.”
I felt the hurt in his light. So much so it closed my throat.
I forced myself to take in his words. Not only the ones about me being an insensitive ass. The ones about why he’d been avoiding me.
Maybe he was right. We’d both practically been in a fugue state before the Dubai thing, even after we found out Terian had been screwing with our light. Knowing the cause of the problem hadn’t done jack shit in terms of helping us control the symptoms.
We wouldn’t be any different now.
In fact, he was right. We’d probably be worse.
Revik knew it. Why was I pretending I didn’t?
He struggled briefly, as if trying to stop himself, but his voice only grew harsher.
“How can you be so fucking cavalier about this?” he said. “It’s our daughter’s life, Alyson. Not just yours. I know you don’t give a shit about your own life, but did you forget about Lily? Do you really want to get off that bad that you’d risk Lily?”
At the last thing he said, something in my light stuttered.
It stuttered––then it closed.
Like, really closed.
Maybe for the first time since all of this crap started after Dubai. All the fights. All the endless discussions. For the first time, all of my sympathy and good intentions dropped from my light.
Like a fucking stone.
I knew he was upset. I knew he was jealous about Chan. I knew he was hurting, a lot more than he’d been letting me see or feel. I knew this was one of those things he’d feel bad about saying later. I didn’t care. Right then, I really didn’t care.
I had to be the one to walk away.
I had to get away from him. Now.
I made it most of the way to the door when suddenly he was between it and me.
“Alyson… stop.”
I started to push past him, but he caught hold of my arms.
“Allie, gods. Stop. Stop, wife. Please…”
He shocked me, yanking me towards him. His arms were around me before I’d even lo
oked up. He crushed me to his chest before I could take a breath.
“Allie,” he murmured. “Allie. I’m sorry I said that. I didn’t mean it.”
He held me tighter. He held me until I bit my lip, fighting to remain silent, to try and control my light. Mostly I just wanted to cry against his chest, tell him everything I’d been thinking and trying to do that day, tell him how fucking done I was with playacting these roles, no matter what the reason. It took me another few seconds to pull all of that back, and then mostly because I couldn’t help but feel him again, with his body and light so close.
His light coiled around and through mine, like he couldn’t help himself.
I felt pain on him, enough to take my breath, but more than that, I felt grief, a kind of crushing, dense grief I didn’t know what to do with.
It made it almost impossible to hold on to my anger, especially when I felt the love woven into that grief, and the fear that nearly choked that pain in my light.
I understood. I really did.
He was coping with it by staying away from me.
I was coping with it by obsessing on being with him while I still could.
All the things we’d been talking about for the past few weeks washed over me, forcing me to remember even as my resentment of the whole mess worsened. Then my throat closed for real, bringing tears to my eyes so quickly I could barely keep from choking them out. I closed my eyes, maybe to block it out––or at least push it back, so it wouldn’t be in the forefront of my light. I couldn’t lose control of my light, either.
Even now, in the midst of everything else, I didn’t forget that.
I couldn’t lose control. Not even for this.
For a long moment, we only stood there.
Revik held me tighter the longer the silence stretched, but I could feel him struggling over what to say. I could feel him hating that he couldn’t trust his own light, that he couldn’t even talk to me about any of it without us risking we’d be overheard. I felt his fury about Chan, the fact that he could taste remnants of her light in mine.
I understood. I understood all of it––but I hated it.
I really fucking hated it.
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