I grunted, not dignifying that with an answer.
He let out a low laugh as he disappeared the rest of the way through the doorway.
Before he’d gone, he sent a last, dense pulse of heat at me, hitting me again in the lower belly and groin. It held enough pain that I sucked in a sharper breath.
Flushing and clicking under my breath, I watched him wink at me, that predatory look rising in his eyes.
Once he was gone, I rubbed my face with a hand, blinking to get my head back on straight.
Five months. It had been five months.
It felt like a lifetime had gone by.
Shoving that out of my mind, I focused back on the virtual console.
I studied the configuration of lights there, most of them coming from the cluster of infiltrators we had hunting Eddard and Dragon. A lot more of them managed to track some aspect or thread of Eddard’s light than Dragon’s.
I keyed in an instruction to Maygar, who was closest to the flavor of light most of the others had ID’d as Revik’s ex-manservant.
I was looking at the rest of the board when a voice rose in my headset.
“He’s getting possessive,” it said.
I tensed. Realizing I’d left the line open while Dalejem and I had been talking, I felt my face heat. How the hell had I done that? Seriously?
But I knew the answer to that.
Stress. Exhaustion. Too much time hanging over this damned console. Not enough sleep––or food. ‘Dori and I often shared passive channels for this kind of thing, particularly when coordinating multiple infiltration units at the same time. In this case, neither of us had spoken aloud in such a long stretch of minutes, I just forgot.
And yeah. I was really damned tired.
“Allie,” Balidor said, clicking. “I am not judging. I am trying to talk to you. As a friend.”
I let out a humorless laugh. “Yeah.”
“I mean it.” Pausing, Balidor’s voice shifted into a harder warning. “You weren’t raised seer. You still… miss things. Particularly in this area for some reason. I am telling you, you need to be careful with Jem. He’s getting possessive.”
Clicking softly, I shook my head, even though I knew he wouldn’t see it without the visuals.
“He’s not interested in me,” I reminded him. “Trust me, you have nothing to worry about. Not when it comes to Jem of all people.”
I felt Balidor’s skepticism through the line.
“I disagree,” he said only.
Rolling my eyes, I exhaled, then decided fuck it, I would have the conversation.
It was the first time anyone bothered to ask me about it directly, so I should honor the fact that Balidor had the decency to do that much at least. Maybe it would stop some of the stares and murmurs I’d been forced to endure for the past however-many weeks.
Or maybe not. But at least it would be out in the open.
“Look,” I said, exhaling. “‘Dori, I get how this all must seem. And I get how that probably sounded just now. But Jem’s not interested in me. He’s openly admitted to me that he’s in love with Revik. He’s admitted it. More than once––”
“That may be,” Balidor cut in. “But I am telling you, I know Jem. I’ve known him for years, Alyson. I trained with him in the Pamir. I’ve seen him in other relationships.”
“So?” I said, flipping a hand sideways over the console.
“So,” Balidor said, his voice harder. “I know what he is like when he’s taking something lightly. I’ve seen him in those types of relationships. Many, if you want the truth. Jem was more or less known for those types of relationships when I knew him. I have seen it when a particular liaison went on for weeks… months, even… like this thing has with the two of you. I have seen it when the sexual component was intense––”
“So?” I cut in, unimpressed. “He likes to fuck around. So do a lot of seers. What does it matter, ‘Dori?”
“I’m saying, that is not how this looks,” Balidor said, exasperated. “Not to me. Not from here. Not at all. And incidentally,” he added, his voice holding more of an edge. “He was not like this with your husband.”
I felt my jaw harden. “What’s that supposed to mean?”
“It means exactly what I said,” Balidor said, clicking in annoyance. “I am not speaking code, Alyson. I am telling you, he was not like this with Nenzi. He was completely different with him. Like a different person entirely.”
“Well… of course.” Making an annoyed sound, I bit my lip. “Did you miss the part about how he’s in love with Revik, ‘Dor? That tends to make people behave a little differently than when they’re just––”
“That’s not what I mean.” Exhaling, Balidor seemed to be thinking as he next spoke. “How he was with Nenzi is more how I think of Jem in general, I guess. He’s always had a lot of casual sex. But Jem is also soft-hearted. He is one who has been teased for bringing home strays. There was some of this with Jem and your husband, too. Nenzi was a different man at the time, and not a very happy one. I think Jem knew that, and––”
“‘Dor, stop.” For the first time, I was genuinely angry. “That is none of my business. Do you get that? Neither one of them has shared anything about their relationship with me. And frankly, I don’t think I should be hearing it from you.”
“Allie,” Balidor said, his voice harder. “I am not trying to disclose private moments between your husband and Jem. I am saying Jem is different with you. With Nenzi, he was not so territorial. Or aggressive. Or fucking sexual, Allie. It might sound strange, but he was softer with Nenz. He was possessive, yes, but not at all like this. His reactions to you strike me as more…” He hesitated, and I could almost see him scanning through words, trying to find the one he wanted. “…Volatile.”
“Volatile?” I said.
My voice held disbelief, but honestly I was more annoyed.
I knew exactly what he was driving at.
I knew it came from a place of concern. I didn’t sense any ulterior motives, but somehow that only irritated me more.
“Are you saying he’s fixated?” I said, exhaling my annoyance. “Because, honestly? I’m a little sick of how often that accusation gets thrown around in relation to the men in my life––”
“And I think you vastly underestimate the effect your light has on other seers,” Balidor cut in, his voice verging on angry. “Despite how often I and your husband and whoever else try to caution you about that very thing.”
Pausing, he made his voice blunt.
“Are you sharing light with him? Jem?”
I felt my jaw harden more. “Getting kind of personal there, aren’t you, brother?”
“I’m trying to look out for you!” Balidor snapped. “Are you sharing light with him, or not? Are you really not going to tell me that?”
Clicking under my breath, I gave in, throwing up a hand.
“No. I’m not, ‘Dor. Not like it would matter if I was. It’s just sex. Jem likes playing games, but that doesn’t mean––”
“I’m telling you, you are wrong about that, Allie,” Balidor said, his voice angrier. “And about him. Has he asked you for an agreement of any kind?”
“No.” I exhaled again.
Glancing at the door in reflex, I switched to sub-vocals when I added,
“‘Dori, I’m married.” Pain returned to my chest as I said it, even as I forced my light back, clenching my jaw. Shrugging, I added flatly, “Maybe not in Revik’s mind anymore, but in my mind, I am. So I appreciate your concern. I do. But no matter how things look to you, there isn’t going to be any ‘agreement.’ Not between me and Jem. Not between me and anyone. And Jem would never ask me for that, anyway…”
Feeling the argument building in the Adhipan seer’s light, I cut him off.
“…I don’t want to talk about this anymore,” I said, still using the sub-vocals. “Jem’s a big boy. I’ve been crystal clear about where my loyalties lie. He has, too. I think you’re worrying for nothing, h
onestly.”
“You know Revik will kill him,” Balidor said, his voice cutting. “He’ll fucking kill him, Allie. Whatever you tell yourself. Or hadn’t that occurred to you?”
I felt his words in my chest.
For an instant, pain overwhelmed my light.
Then I shook my head, frowning.
“No,” I said. “He won’t.”
“Allie,” Balidor said, clicking in frustration. “I am afraid he will kill you if he finds out about this! He’s going to lose his fucking mind. He’s going to lose his fucking mind about this, Allie! You cannot tell me you know your husband so little that you do not realize this. Gaos, Jon thinks so… he is afraid for you. So is sister Kali.”
I felt that pain shift into a harder anger.
My biological mother was weighing in on my sex life now.
Great. That was just… fantastic.
I knew they wouldn’t understand this. Whether it had been a month or two years, they would never understand this.
I’d told Revik as much. He hadn’t cared.
But thinking about Revik right then wasn’t exactly helping.
Remembering what I’d felt off him just that morning, I stood there, hanging over the console as the anger in my light turned into something a lot colder.
I spoke before I could stop myself.
“Revik’s too busy fucking half of Asia to give much thought to what I’m doing right now, ‘Dor.” Swallowing my own words, I fought my light before I added, “I highly doubt he gives a shit.”
My pain worsened as I spoke. Feeling Balidor’s light react on the other end of the line, I forced myself to dial it down, to shrug.
“…And unlike me, he’s sharing light,” I said. “So maybe you and Jon and my mother should worry less about me. Maybe you should worry more about him. Assuming we ever even see one another again in the flesh.”
I felt ‘Dori shaking his head almost before I’d finished speaking.
“It is not the same, Alyson,” he said, clicking at me in open annoyance. “You know it is not the same. Do not play stupid on this.”
“Why?” I said. “Why is it not the same? Because I’m female?”
“Because he’s not dating anyone, Alyson!” Balidor snapped, his voice openly angry. “Gaos! Do you think I am so oblivious? We have people watching him… as well as we can, anyway. We also have people watching you, and we can see him through your light. Your husband is sleeping with prostitutes. More or less a different one every few nights, from what we can tell. The fact that he is opening his light comes across more as a self-control problem from alcohol and depression and missing his wife––not some attempt to be intimate with any of the females he’s been with. Which would be obvious to you, if you weren’t willfully misunderstanding it.”
I felt my jaw harden more, even as I shook my head.
But Balidor wasn’t finished.
“Alyson, Jem was acting territorial with you before you’d even slept with him. In that meeting we had, he spoke to you like you were already involved. I actually looked at his light, thinking you were already having an affair with him, that something had happened. I am not the only one who wondered, believe me––”
“Bullshit,” I said, flushing.
He clicked at me louder. “Alyson, gaos. Do not play stupid on this! I know you understand seers better than this. I know you do. Whatever you are pretending.”
I only shook my head.
I didn’t want to talk about this. I didn’t want to be lectured about how my infidelity was somehow “worse” than what I’d been forced to feel every morning for however-many weeks from Revik.
Or maybe I just didn’t want to hear about Revik being depressed, no matter what coping strategies he was employing. I didn’t want to hear it because it felt true. It felt true and there wasn’t a damned thing I could do about it.
When the silence stretched, Balidor let out a sigh.
His voice grew low, a near murmur in my ear.
“I don’t know what the hell you and your husband are up to right now,” he said softly. “But you are playing with fire, Alyson. In more ways than one.”
I felt my jaw harden more.
Without answering him, I pulled the plug, cutting the transmission.
Using a thought-command, I turned the transmitter off altogether.
Staring down at the console without seeing it for a few seconds, I felt my jaw harden the longer I looked at those morphing and flashing lights.
That feeling growing in those higher reaches of my aleimi didn’t diminish.
“This isn’t going to work,” I muttered, still staring down at the board.
Pushing my weight off the console, I felt pain coil back through my light, hard enough to catch my breath.
Balidor suspected something. Five months in, and Balidor still suspected something.
If Balidor did, those on Menlim’s side would too.
“This isn’t going to fucking work,” I said, feeling that pain in my chest worsen.
Re-igniting my headset, I keyed in a different code.
He picked up at once, barely letting it pulse before he clicked over––then not waiting before he sent me a tugging tendril of heat, undiminished by the distance between us. Pain rose in my aleimi in response, even as his light coiled aggressively into mine, pulling at it insistently.
“It’s about goddamned time,” he said, exhaling. “I was about to go drag you out of there. Or maybe just strip you naked and fuck you face down on that console.”
When I didn’t respond, I felt his light turn probing, skirting the edges of mine.
His voice sounded almost businesslike when he next spoke.
“Well?” he said. “Are you going to tell me? Did brother Balidor manage to get in the last word? Or did you hang up on him? Serves him right if you did.”
I fought to think, still turning over the data points crowding my mind.
“I hope you defended me, love,” he added, sending another thick pulse of heat. “I’ll reward you if you did. A few times, maybe.” His pain worsened, pulling on me achingly as his breath caught. “Maybe more than a few times…”
Shaking off my reaction to his light, I didn’t bother to respond to his words.
Nor did I ask how he knew I’d been talking to Balidor about him.
“Jem?” I said. “Where are you?”
“Masturbating,” he said at once. “Fantasizing about you opening your light… about you letting me fuck you with your light open. I was just about to come, actually.”
Feeling another heated pulse off him, I found myself believing him.
“Yeah,” I said patiently. “But where? I need to talk to you.” Rolling my eyes, I exhaled, puffing my cheeks. “Well. I need to talk to you whenever you’re… finished.”
“I’m not going to come now,” he assured me. “I’d rather wait and do it on you. Or preferably, in you.” Feeling me flinch, he smiled. “What do you want to talk about, love? Sex, I hope. And opening your light. I really, really want you to open your light, Allie… gods.”
“No,” I said, clicking at him. “…And no. This is business.”
“Business?” There was a silence. Then his voice changed, turning harder, more infiltrator-like. I heard and felt him shifting on whatever he lay on, probably sitting up. “What kind of business? Did something happen?”
I shook my head. “No. Not yet. But I think it’s going to. Can I come up there? This really can’t wait.”
“Yes.” His voice sounded wary now. “Allie? What’s this about?”
I considered brushing him off, waiting until I’d walked up there. Then I realized it might be better to let him react while I wasn’t yet in the room.
Making up my mind, I made a flowing gesture with one hand, a near apology in seer sign language, even though he wouldn’t see it. I was already walking down the corridor towards the small service elevator that was the only way out of this part of the building.
“It’s ab
out Dragon,” I said, sighing. “It’s about you and me going after Dragon, Jem. Alone.”
There was a much heavier silence.
Then his voice came out harsh, for the first time holding more anger than sex.
“I’m in 408,” he said. “I’m not going to discuss this over a headset. Get your fucking ass up here, Alyson. Now.”
In a strange way, his anger was a relief.
Smiling a little, I nodded, once.
“On my way,” I murmured.
40
FOUND OUT
I FOUND HIM pacing when I walked into the room he’d set up as sleeping quarters.
I think the room itself had been a lounge of some kind, or maybe a large executive office.
A few pieces of bland corporate art hung on white walls next to graffiti art from squatters and a burn hole in one wall. A cherry wood bookshelf that probably once held books on team building and how to steal cheese from other people, tchotchkes and whatever else now stood mostly empty, its shelves covered in scratches and wax from old candles.
They also housed Jem’s clothes and a number of personal items.
He didn’t have much. None of us carried much out here, but he had a book of commentaries he carried with him, bound in leather so probably an original. I’d seen a few pieces of jewelry, hair clips, a couple of headsets and a hand-held that must have been his from before, so probably housed more personal items versus work-type stuff.
And guns, of course. He usually carried at least four, along with a half-dozen magazines and a satchel of bullets, both organic and dead metal. He had a cleaning kit up there, too.
Most of that decorated the shelves now in uneven lines.
His duffle was on the floor next to the same bookshelf.
He’d either found or dragged a beat up couch in there. When we’d christened the room the previous night, it hadn’t been on that faux leather monstrosity that smelled vaguely of cat hair, however.
He’d fucked me on a pile of blankets on the carpeted floor, instead.
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