by Trent Jordan
Fucking pathetic coward.
“Why didn’t you just say something in the meeting then?” Lane said.
“Because…”
This part was true, the thought that came to mind. It just wasn’t the reason I’d stayed silent.
“Because, Lane, I’m tired of feeling like the shittier President between the two of us.”
Lane’s expression softened. But still. Lies. At best, truths in the wrong direction.
So, lies.
“You have been the one to inflict more damage on the Fallen Saints than I have. You’ve been the one leading the charge against these assholes. And I don’t begrudge you that, but I feel like I have to live up to you. So I had a chance with Lilly to try to get info out of her, and all I got was the Fallen Saints coming to my town at a time when we have managed to keep them away.”
“You had to know them coming to you was inevitable, though,” he said. “Especially once they knew you were there.”
I knew that.
“But still,” I said. “We managed to keep them at bay. We understood it was never going to be forever. But now we’ve got a chance. I’ve got to put my ego aside, and you... I guess just keep doing what you’re doing.”
“Hey, don’t sweat it,” he said, although there was something about the way he said it that made me wonder if he was leaving words unspoken. “Important thing is that we take out Lucius. I don’t care which shade of Reaper kills him, so long as he’s killed.”
“Agreed,” I said, mustering a weary smile.
“By the way, something I’ve been wondering, now that you mentioned it,” Lane said. “How the fuck did you stay hidden for so long, anyway?”
I laughed, not because there was some magical answer, but because I was really fucking happy to change the subject. I was going to be in enough deep shit when Lane found out Lilly was around for more than just an encounter that night; I didn’t need to throw more shit onto the pile before I was found in it.
“You’d be surprised how well you can stay hidden when you only use cash and you stay in a small town,” I said.
“Angela said she found you because you just popped up?”
I shrugged.
“You can only run away for so long before you realize that you can’t keep running from, you have to run to, at some point,” I said.
“And what were you running to?”
This was as deep a conversation as my brother and I had had in ages. And it was making me feel so uncomfortable, knowing that a dark lie was between us.
“Justice,” I said.
For Shannon? Partially.
But also for everyone else who had died.
And maybe, on some level, justice for myself. Justice to know that not everyone who got near me died. Justice to know that my mother, my father, my brother’s dream woman, and my peers had not died because I was worthless.
It was too bad I hadn’t found that justice yet. I wasn’t entirely sure I ever would.
“Well, I’m happy to have you back in the fold, even if it involved some serious fuckups along the way on my part,” Lane said.
The ownership part rang a bit hollow. It was my fault too. But I let it go.
“Thanks, Lane,” I said.
As soon as a momentary silence came, I took full advantage of it. I rose, patted him again on the shoulder, and walked out before another word could be said. I had to find a way out of the web of lies.
But how?
I walked past Phoenix, who called my name. I paused, looked back, and kept walking to the bike. I leaned against it when he caught up to me.
“I’m sorry, man, I didn’t... Butch and I share reports, I didn’t think anything of it—”
“You’re fine,” I said. “You didn’t tell him about Lilly?”
Phoenix shook his head.
“Is there anything to that?” he asked.
I shook my head.
“Nothing of importance,” I said, which was, at best, the vaguest answer I could give and at worst, another lie. “Just don’t tell Butch, OK? I’m trying to get information from her and trying to get her out of here. The more people know, the worse things get.”
“Understood,” Phoenix said.
He would not betray me. But that didn’t mean I couldn’t see the doubt and suspicion in his eyes.
I hopped on my bike and revved the engine. Just before I left, I saw Patriot stealing a glance of me. He was the only current member of the Black Reapers who knew the truth. And perhaps out of a code of silence, he wasn’t going to say anything.
But, again, silence did not mean free of judgment. In fact, if anything, it made it easier for the judgment in my head to get louder and louder.
I headed home, my head an absolute mess, uncertain of what I was going to do. Why was I acting this way? I just needed to be a little more like Lane—a little more asshole, a little more “do it my way,” and a little more certain. I needed to get all of the information I could out of Lilly, send her on her way, and forget that this stupid little dance had ever become anything.
But as soon as I got home and saw her on the couch, I felt the same surge of feelings that I had felt all week. I felt compelled to care for her. She was not the daughter of Lucius, a fugitive; she was a complex, interesting, and deep person trying to figure out herself, just as I was.
“Hey,” she said. “How were things at the meeting?”
“Good, good,” I said. “How were things here?”
“Good, good.”
God, we were the epitome of small talk. And God, it was so awkward.
I sat in silence on the other end of the couch, “watching” whatever was on the TV before I finally cracked.
“Lilly, what’s the plan?”
She looked at me perplexed, but I knew it was a façade.
“The plan?”
“The long-term plan? You know? You’d said that you were going to get a plane or train ticket out of this part of the country. But…”
“But what?”
“But…”
Fuck it, man, just say it.
“But I like having you here. You’re... I like you.”
Lilly bit her lip, reached for the remote, and muted the TV.
“I like you too,” she said. “I don’t know what the plan is. I definitely planned on escaping here as soon as I could. But after what happened a week ago... well, I don’t know.”
“What do you think you know?”
We were both trying to pull the other in without pulling ourselves in. We were trying to see what the other’s “secrets” were without revealing our own. It was exhausting, but given our pasts, it felt necessary.
“I think I want to be with you, Cole,” she said. “I’ve... had thoughts about you. I’ve wanted to be with you. But I’m nervous, I guess. I don’t know. I really don’t.”
I bit my lip. What the hell had I lied to my brother for if I’d come here to avoid the hard conversation? What had I done that all for if I wasn’t going to take advantage of the moment?
“Well, Lilly…” I said.
Just do it. Just take her.
I leaned forward, grabbed her, and pulled her in for a kiss.
Lilly
It was so fucking hot how he just seized me.
That was really the best way to describe it. It wasn’t slow. It wasn’t sensual. It was primal, like a week’s worth of waiting had aroused Cole to the point that he just took me. Cole hadn’t reached over and grabbed me so much as he had lifted me up and placed me on my back.
And when I laid on my back, I felt his body press between my legs. Obviously, we had clothes on, so nothing was happening yet, but this was by far the closest I’d ever come to sex. I felt the surge of excitement and nervousness coursing through my body, but this time, I wasn’t going to stop. I was going to let Cole do whatever he wanted to me.
I wanted him. I needed him. I wanted his naked body, his hard cock inside of me... I wanted to be naked before a man, the freedom to have th
e wildest, greatest sex ever. I wanted to feel my legs spread, to be taken, dominated, controlled by Cole. God, I’d never felt this way before.
Everything that he did was just so... so fucking hot. The way he kissed me like a savage man in need of a woman. The way his hands squeezed in and pressed against my body. The way his hips ground against mine. I thought I could feel the outline of his cock against his jeans. I wanted to reach down and feel it for myself... and then I also wanted to wait, to see it in the flesh, to see what would happen when it came free and I was able to touch it and feel it.
His hand slid under my shirt, and even just the touch of his calloused palm against my belly was invigorating and stimulating. It felt coarse, but it felt powerful. The novel touches in novel places was more than enough.
His hands went under my bra and squeezed my breasts, and a rush of pleasure went through and in them. I arched my hips against his, tossed my head back, and moaned his name.
“Cole... ohhh.”
He lifted up my shirt, his facial stubble riding up my stomach, tickling and sensually pleasuring, before he got to my chest. His hands worked their way under my back, unclasped my bra, and then tossed it to the side. He had me sit up as he removed my shirt, and for the first time in my life, I was topless before a man.
Oh, it was so enthralling! I felt so exposed, so naked, so... wanted. So lusted after.
It was both terrifying and erotic, knowing that Cole could see everything, from the freckles just above my chest to how pale my skin was, and yet still want to kiss me, touch me, hold me, squeeze me, make love to me.
I reached for his shirt in turn, partially just because I felt that was how things went. First shirts came off, then pants, and then…
Cole was happy to assist. And when he removed his shirt, I stared in awe at what I saw, even though I had seen it just a week before. Though he was on the stockier side, that just meant it was easier for his muscles to stand out; his shoulders looked like actual boulders, his chest was like that of a marble sculpture, and his abs popped.
“Holy shit,” I said.
Every second I spent staring at Cole’s muscles felt like the first time.
But Cole was too far into it to say much of anything. He came up and attacked my neck, biting and sucking on it. Oh my God! I couldn’t believe I’d had to wait all this time for this—but damn!
“Cole... yes, Cole, oh, baby.”
He again left a trail of kisses down my chest, pausing at each breast, and then worked down my stomach. I realized here that this could be it. This could be the spot where the foreplay ended and the actual sex began. This was the last chance to turn back if there was any reason I wanted to.
And actually, even though this was so damn erotic and so damn pleasing, I had plenty of reasons to. Was this man the one I wanted to lose my virginity to? He was nice, but I had only known him for a short period of time. I was leaving soon right after... would I feel like a whore if I just gave it up and then was in a new state within a week?
And even ignoring all of that... this was sex! This was not something I could take lightly.
But if I had all the inhibitions in the world, all the nerves of a first time, all the anxiety that a girl ten years younger than me might have, Cole appeared to have none of that. Cole moved with such ease over my body that it was like he’d done this many times before.
Which, like much of the rest of this, was giving me both pleasant thoughts and anxiety. Pleasant, because it meant there would be little stumbling around, little confusion, few moments of awkwardness. Anxiety, because just how many women had Cole been with before? And did that even matter? Was it my right to judge him on that question?
These questions were starting to get a little louder as Cole reached down and unbuttoned my jeans. It was easy to enjoy something when it was just clothes on, or when there was a point of turning back. It was easy to relish the rush of energy when he was kissing my neck and not, say, my clit.
But now, time was running out.
And I was starting to doubt if this was right.
He took only my jeans off, leaving me in my underwear. Never before had I been like this; hell, never before had I been topless. So many never before moments…
But this was much different; breasts were a fascination of men, but it wasn’t like... I didn’t know, I didn’t have a good rational explanation for it. It just felt a step beyond.
He kissed my feet, then worked his way down my right leg. As the kisses trailed from the ankle to the calf to the knee and to the inner thigh, I started to shake, my body not my own any longer, but Cole’s to pleasure and please. He hovered right over my pussy—still guarded by my panties, but with that being the only barrier between complete nakedness and now—looked up at me, smiled seductively, and pressed his lips against my panties. Oh, God, even just that pressure…
He went up and started down the other leg. I knew this was my last chance. I knew if I didn’t say no now, I was committed. It wasn’t like I didn’t want this. I did.
But…
He made his way to the crevice between my hips and my thigh. He kissed it. All the way or stop here, Lilly.
His fingers curled around my panties…
“Stop.”
I put my hands over his.
I wasn’t ready for this.
Fuck, I was not ready.
It wasn’t Cole’s fault. Really, there was no one whom I’d rather have in this position than Cole. Up to this point, Cole had been the quintessential image of a hot, lustful man who also kept control.
But call me a prude, call me stuffy, call me uptight, call me whatever… this did not feel right, not yet.
“You OK?” Cole asked.
Yeah. Yeah.
But no, not really.
Now that the heat of the moment had faded, I felt embarrassed. I’d let us get this far, only to stop? What kind of a nun was I? How badly must I have been fucked in the head to stop at this point and not, say, when he tried to grab my breasts? What must Cole be thinking of me?
What do I think of myself right now?
“I’m sorry,” I said, scooting away from Cole. “I just... I…”
“It’s OK, Lilly, it’s—”
“No, it’s not,” I said, scooting away, not just from Cole, but from the part of myself that had wanted to spread my legs and take him into me. “I... I should be wanting this. I’m a grown woman. I have no religious values holding me back. But…”
“If you’re not ready, you’re not ready. It’s not a big deal.”
I hated myself. I hated Cole for being so at ease with the situation, almost too much so. I hated us for allowing ourselves to keep hanging out in the privacy of his apartment, thinking something like this would never come.
“I’m happy to go at your pace, I just thought—”
“I’m a virgin, Cole.”
There it was.
The most shameful, embarrassing secret of all.
The secret that showed just how strongly my father had controlled me, with just how tight of an iron grip he had kept watch over my life.
I waited to see how Cole reacted. He gave no visible expression either way. He simply sat, looked at me, and listened. Like he always does.
And you didn’t want to lose your virginity to him? If not him, then who?
“I’m not ready, Cole,” I said. “And I don’t know... I don’t know that I’ll ever be ready.”
I was too embarrassed to feel sad or start crying. I didn’t feel empathy or grief for myself. I just felt red-hot humiliation. I hadn’t said no because Cole was trying to assault or rape me. Quite the opposite, given how he’d immediately stopped when I said I wasn’t into it.
I was destined to never experience the joys of sex, the pleasure of romping through an apartment naked, the intimacy and closeness that came with expressing myself with my body. That part of me had been stomped on and destroyed by my father, and it was never coming back.
“I am grateful for you shelter
ing me, and I am attracted to you. This has nothing to do with you. But I’m too fucked in the head. You took in the craziest person in all of Southern California.”
I had to laugh at myself. It was the only thing I could have done to avoid cursing myself out so badly I’d never be able to look at myself in the mirror.
“Fuck me,” I said.
“I’m still willing,” Cole said with a smirk. I laughed. “But seriously, Lilly. I only want to go at your pace. You’re not fucked in the head. We all got issues, and we all gotta work on them at our own pace.”
“But with sex?”
He shrugged.
“I got issues with being honest with my brother,” he said. “Wouldn’t you rather have the capacity for being honest than the capacity for getting laid a lot?”
He may have meant it as a rhetorical question, but it didn’t seem that way to me.
“I just want to make sure that what’s best for you is what happens,” he said. “I like you too. Do I wish that I was getting to have sex with you? Of course.”
How can you say that with such ease? It was remarkable—he said it with the same neutral tone someone would have when saying they wished they’d gotten pizza instead of burgers.
“But if I like you, I have to accept your boundaries. I have to do what’s best for you. So... here we are.”
“Here we are,” I said in a resigned tone. “I’m sorry, Cole. I wish I could make you feel good. But anything... even just touching you, as thrilling as it was, created a lot of anxiety. I guess I have to be super comfortable with the person before anything happens.”
“Hey, no worries,” Cole said.
The ironic thing was the very way in which he handled himself made it so much easier to consider him being the one I lost my virginity to. He had such aplomb, such grace, such ease... the other Reapers were almost certainly bigger brutes and assholes just by comparison, but my father had been wrong. Not all Reapers were rapists, murderers, and criminals.
In fact, whatever the complete opposite of rapist was, Cole was. Respectful.
“Well, I don’t want to be in your hair any longer than I have to be,” I said. “I can get a train ticket for this evening and be on my way.”