by A. D. Ellis
Passionate, sensitive, Sawyer would give a friend or family member the shirt off his back with no questions asked; leery, pained, jaded Sawyer wouldn’t even give a second glance to someone who had hurt him or didn’t deserve his kindness.
“Hell no, man. Don’t give that dick anything.” Decker, the protector, the serious one, clapped him on the back, and they headed toward home.
***********
“Sawyer, why don’t you invite a friend over for Taco Night? We haven’t seen many of your friends around lately.” His mother, Libby, kissed his cheek and hugged him.
His heart hurt; his head ached from holding back the tears he wanted to cry. “Sure Momma, I think I’ll ask Katie to come over if you’re okay with that.” Libby’s eyes stared sadly into his, as if she wanted to say more; he felt pulled to blurt out what had him so down and hurt, to tell her he was gay. Instead, he swallowed his pain again and called Katie.
She arrived long before Taco Night started at Grandma Cindy’s, so they holed up in Sawyer’s room. He knew Decker wouldn’t be home; he was working on a business plan mock-up and would be at the library until late.
“Sawyer, what’s wrong?” Katie pulled him into a warm embrace, and the tears he’d tried so valiantly to fight off began to fall. She let him cry on her shoulder for several moments, the dampness from the tears and his breath seeped through her shirt; she didn’t mind, her friend was hurting, and she wanted to take away his pain.
“Remember Josh? We’ve hooked up a couple times.” Sawyer’s traitorous body recalled the intimate moments he’d shared with Josh as recently as last week.
“Sawyer, I know I’ve said this enough times to fill an entire book, but please be careful. By careful, I mean protection first and always. I want you to be happy and satisfied and fulfilled, but I can’t stand the thought of you getting hurt if you aren’t protected; that means making him be protected too. This is a conversation I never thought I’d be having, but if you’re going to be intimate with guys, or girls for that matter, please protect yourself. I’ve read way too much about anal sex and oral anal sex; the diseases that can be spread are downright terrifying. Second, by be careful, I mean with your heart.” When Sawyer closed his eyes and sighed, Katie felt she’d hit a sore spot.
Rubbing her hands up and down his arms, she spoke softly. “Sawyer, I know you want love and acceptance and to find the same happiness your whole family seems to have, but you’ve got to be careful who you give your heart to. First, you’re young; very few people find their happily ever after in high school. Maybe you’ll find your happy-for-now, but don’t get so down on yourself if you’ve not found the one yet; you’ve got so much time ahead of you for that. Second, I know you like Josh, but I feel like you just like him because he’s willing to get physical with you. It’s no secret I don’t trust the guy. Neither of you are ready to go public yet, but I worry he’s the type who would out you to save his own reputation or string you along, like a friend with benefits, while he fucks the popular girls to cover the fact that he likes dick.”
Sawyer had to smile at how worked up Katie got when she talked about the topic. It wasn’t the first time she’d voiced her concern about Josh; she really didn’t trust him.
“Well, Katie-girl, I guess you can say ‘I told you so’ because Josh screwed me over today. The last time we were together, we talked about maybe making things a little more official between us; not coming out as a couple, but exclusively, albeit secretly, seeing each other.” Sawyer laughed bitterly, “Well, I guess I talked about that.” He got a faraway look in his eyes as he recalled their most recent night together.
“Bend over the arm of the couch.” Josh smacked Sawyer’s ass, and walked to get the lube from the drawer. Josh’s parents were out as usual, so they had the house to themselves. Josh wasn’t a sensitive or caring lover; were any 17-year-old boys all that attuned to their partner’s pleasure? Sawyer longed to be the top occasionally, and had voiced his desire often.
“Fuck that shit, man. I’m not gay, I’m not taking it up the ass.” Josh answered the same way every time the subject was broached. Sawyer enjoyed the physical act, the intimacy; he wanted so badly for a real relationship to develop, so he let it go. He gave his body to Josh and wished for more.
“Spread your legs, Morgan.” Dribbling the lube along his ass, Josh rubbed a finger around Sawyer’s hole. Josh wasn’t into foreplay, a few stretching movements with his finger was all Sawyer knew he’d get.
The first time they’d been together, Sawyer had convinced him to use a toy to prepare him. After a moment, Josh had ripped the toy out of Sawyer’s ass, covered and lubed up, lined himself up and entered him with as much finesse as a rhino walking the runway. Sawyer had seen stars from the pain, but he was able to relax and enjoy the act eventually. Josh was too busy ramming into his ass, so Sawyer had jacked himself off, coming at the same time as Josh. It had been hot and sweaty and satisfying, but it hadn’t been love. Maybe that would come?
Snapping out of his memory, Sawyer spread his legs and leaned farther over the arm of the couch. Reaching down, taking himself into his own hand, knowing he’d need to do his own work if he was going to get off, he groaned as the cool, wet liquid ran down his ass. Josh’s hands spread his cheeks; using both thumbs, he massaged the hole and entered briefly.
Sawyer rocked his hips backwards, hoping to prolong the foreplay; he longed for the kisses and caresses they’d shared when they had first discovered their mutual attraction. He felt himself stiffen as he recalled the afternoons they’d jacked off together, both of their hands grasping their cocks as they rubbed together.
But now that Josh had consummated their relationship, they seldom made out or did anything else. Josh would call him, tell him he wanted to fuck him, and Sawyer would go running. In his mind, he convinced himself that Josh wanted him, they would eventually fall in love.
Releasing the breath he found he was holding, Sawyer bore down against Josh’s advancing invasion. His body reacted; quickly tightening against the width of Josh’s erection, then relaxing to allow him more entrance. Sawyer loved the moments when Josh entered him; he would grasp his hips and whisper in Sawyer’s ear.
“God, yeah…Morgan, you’re so fucking tight. Ahh, the way your ass grips my cock. Mmm, I love fucking your ass.” Those moments were few and far between; Josh didn’t whisper sweet nothings, he didn’t compliment Sawyer, he never made mention of what they did together. Sawyer reveled in hearing his words during the few short moments it took him to reach his orgasm.
As they cleaned up, Sawyer brought up a subject he’d been contemplating for a while. “Listen, I know neither of us is ready to go public with our relationship, but I wondered how you’d feel about making this exclusive, just us, no dating others.”
In later moments, Sawyer would recognize the look of disgust and panic on Josh’s face for what it was, but in that moment of vulnerability, he took it as nervousness on Josh’s part. “I don’t want to date anyone else, and I’d like it if you were only doing this with me.”
Josh nodded, “Sure, sure man. That sounds good. Listen, I’ll call you; my parents said they might come home early tonight, so you better split.”
Sawyer paused in his deep recollections; rubbing his fingers roughly along his temples, he let his hands dig into his short, dark hair and grip fistfuls; the pulling pain helped to quiet the hurt in his heart.
“I was so stupid, Katie. I got to school today and found him kissing Amber, the head cheerleader. He didn’t even look my way; I heard through the grapevine that they are an official couple now.” Sawyer hung his head, trying to ward off the frustration, anger, and pain.
“He finally texted me this afternoon. Sawyer, I’m not gay, please don’t hit on me anymore. You’re making me uncomfortable.” Sawyer laughed bitterly. “I guess that’s his way of threatening me not to mention what we were doing together to anyone. I wonder if he’ll keep booty calling me and expect me to just come running?”
&nb
sp; Katie hugged him close. “Sawyer, I’m so sorry. I’d never say, ‘I told you so.’ I’m just glad you’re away from that jerk. He wasn’t good for you; he used you for his own selfish needs. I don’t mean to be harsh, but he was never going to come out or accept the fact that he liked fucking you. The only thing that would have been worse than what he did today is if he’d told others you were hitting on him and trying to get him to fuck you. If you don’t want this secret out, you definitely need to be leery of being with guys who aren’t ready to come out or aren’t willing to keep your secret if you keep theirs.” She rubbed her hands up and down his strong, muscular back and felt him shudder under her touch.
He brought his tear-stained face up to gaze into her beautiful eyes. Rubbing a soft finger along her bottom lip, he leaned in. His eyes clouded as his lips grazed hers, “I could do this, we could make this work. I love you, Katie, it wouldn’t be a hardship to be with you.” She allowed him to capture her lips in his, sighing into his touch. Gently pushing him away, she smiled sadly at him.
“Yes, we could make it work. We love each other dearly, and we’d have a nice life. But, I’d always know what you long for, and you’d always know I was missing the passion, the spark, the heat. We’re too good for that, Sawyer. I won’t let you hide; one day, you’re going to find a man who challenges you, makes your heart beat faster, and wants you for you. Until then, I’ll stand by you as you work your way through the ass hats.” She kissed him gently and held him quietly for a long time. “And, I want it noted, your parents and brother would stand by your side as well.” She felt him take a deep breath and knew it was a subject he wasn’t ready to tackle.
When her belly growled, they both laughed.
“Come on, Katie-girl, I think it’s time to get you some tacos.” Sawyer held her hand as they made their way to Grandma Cindy’s infamous Taco Night.
Chapter 4
Sawyer, college
College was good. Sawyer loved being out on his own, living with his brother and cousins. Classes were mostly fun and interesting; school had never been difficult for him. He and the guys were getting closer to their goal of graduating and returning to Torey Hope to expand The Center where many of his family worked or gave of their time, efforts, talents.
Sawyer never lacked for friends; he always had Decker, Zach, and Kendrick. He and Katie kept in touch, but he missed seeing her on a daily basis; he was sad to know that she wasn’t planning to return to Torey Hope. He had male friends and female friends; he “dated” some women, but it never went further than recreational sex. Usually, Sawyer and the woman would hook up, and then she’d figure out he was gay. Some of the women stormed off, some of them stayed in the friend zone. Sawyer felt shame that he used women as substitutes; he wanted men, but having sex with women was expected and more accepted. He had slept with a few men since coming to college; none of those men were ones Sawyer was all that attracted to, but they provided him the connection and release he was longing for, even if just for a night.
Surrounded by his brother, cousins, friends, and lovers, Sawyer had never felt more alone.
Meeting Adam in his summer dance class opened Sawyer up to a completely new world. Adam was as obviously gay as a man could get; he was the epitome of the stereotype. He wasn’t Sawyer’s type and Sawyer wasn’t his type, but they clicked as friends.
Kendrick had dubbed them “the odd couple.” Adam was short and thin in stature, dark skinned, dark haired, and an absolute trope, which Sawyer had learned was slang for a stereotypical gay. He wore bright nail polish, tied most of his shirts at his waist, and walked around in shorter shorts than many women on campus wore. He was the exact opposite of Sawyer’s tall, fit build. Sawyer was mostly comfortable in jeans, sweats, basketball shorts. But, Adam was a lifeline for him; through Adam he found a world of gay men he’d known had to exist, but he had no clue how to go about discovering it.
“So let me get this straight.” Adam put a hand to his lips to suppress a smile about his little joke. “You’ve just been searching with no guidance? Sawyer, sugar, finding a gay in the wild is tricky. Sometimes I wish we had a hand sign or signal to alert gay men to other gay men, but until that happens, you’ve got to be careful. Oh, honey, I’m so glad you’ve found Adam. Adam is going to show you the way.”
The first thing Adam did was set Sawyer up with gay dating apps on his phone. He used these to find anything from a random hook-up to dates to more serious relationships.
Adam introduced him to the best gay nightclubs. Sawyer didn’t spend all of his time in these establishments, but it gave him somewhere to escape to when needed and a place to find people like him. Adam gave Sawyer the tools to find the freedom to be himself.
He didn’t change who he was with his family and friends, but being able to act on the other side of himself was liberating.
“Sawyer, sugar, when are you going to let the gay side of yourself meet up and mingle with the other side of yourself?”
“I don’t know, Adam; I’m not sure the two sides would like each other very much.”
***********
He battled daily with being true to himself and protecting his secret and his family. But, with Adam guiding him, Sawyer enjoyed the last year of school more than he had the first three. He had random hook ups, dates, and some more serious relationships which lasted weeks into a couple months.
Sawyer spoke to Adam after a weekend hook up gone awry. Again.
“Dude, do you ever feel like a complete whore? Because sometimes I feel like a total whore.”
“Sugar, I am a whore and proud of it. But, Sawyer, you are not a whore. You average one to two hook ups a month; Kendrick averages one or two a weekend. Sweetie, I want you to continue with your random guys, being careful of course, and dating because you need the experience. But, if there’s one thing Adam knows, it’s that you are not a whore. You enjoy the sex because, well, you’re human and we all enjoy the sex. But, your heart is looking for love. Right now it may be looking in all the wrong places, but these experiences are preparing you for what comes next. You don’t have it in you to be a lifetime player; I see it in your eyes every time you get ready for a new fling or a new date. You’re always hoping this next guy will be the love of your life. I’ve met your cousins. I’ve heard all about your family. I know you come from a very happy and loving group of people; I understand what you’re looking for and why. But sugar, sometimes we have to pick through a lot of garbage before we find that one special treasure.” Adam paused in putting on his eyeliner.
“You’re right, man, I am looking for love, but I’m definitely not having much luck with the guys I’ve been seeing. Some of those I blame on you; some were just pure bad luck.” Sawyer had to laugh when he thought of the long list of failed matches. It’s not that he hadn’t enjoyed some hot sex with several of them, most of them just weren’t guys he’d be interested in introducing to his family.
“What? Who could you blame me for?” Adam feigned shock as a grin played on his lips.
“You know exactly the ones I’m talking about. First, there was Gregg, with 2 g’s on the end. It’s a good thing he had 2 g’s on the end of his name because he was missing one testicle. I don’t judge things like that, but the dude never stopped talking about it; he brought up his ‘one nut’ in every conversation with every person he talked to.” Sawyer shook his head at the memory. Gregg had given a decent blow job, but they’d never made it to anything more because the man never stopped talking about his missing testicle.
“Okay, in my defense, I had heard rumors about it him being half nuts, but I didn’t realize it was meant in the literal sense.” Adam’s laughter filled the room as he skillfully applied a bright turquoise hue along each finger nail.
“Man, that was so bad.” Sawyer tried not to laugh, but couldn’t help the snort that escaped his throat.
“Okay, so Half Nuts was my fault. But who else can you pin on me?” Adam challenged.
“How about William?” Sawy
er raised his eyebrows in question. “Don’t act like you don’t remember him. William? He wanted me to call him Bubby and kept calling me Daddy?” When Adam busted out laughing, wiping away his mascara, Sawyer had to chuckle as well. “Damn, man, I couldn’t even get it up around him. ‘Oh, does Daddy like what Bubby has in his pants?’ I seriously wanted to puke. That was the longest two-hour date of my life. I’d owe you one for saving me from it if it wasn’t your fault I was with him in the first place.” Shaking his head and rolling his eyes at the memory, Sawyer stood from his perch on Adam’s bed to stretch.
“Okay, so two were my fault. Surely you can’t blame me for any more of them.” Adam stood with his hands on his hips, waiting.
“How about the guy who wanted to collar me? What was his name? Dom N. Atrix? Where the hell did you even find that guy? You introduced him to me as Dom; leave it to you to conveniently forget the rest of his moniker. A freakin’ collar, Ad! He wanted to walk me around like a damn dog.”
“Now, wait just a darn minute, sweet cheeks. That one wasn’t totally my fault. I hadn’t known you long at that point; I’d heard Kendrick call you and your brother BDSM so I thought it meant you were into that kinky stuff.” Adam had the decency to blush over setting him up with that catastrophe.
“Maybe next time you should ask first. BDSM is Kendrick’s little joke with our names; Brothers Decker and Sawyer Morgan; neither Decker nor I are in to that type of stuff. Seriously, man, can you see me with a dog collar on?” Sawyer pretended to growl and bark, making Adam laugh out loud.
“Okay, so asking about the nickname would have helped in that situation. And, actually, I can picture your sexy-as-sin ass with a dog collar on, but it’s more in a grungy, black eyeliner, rock star type of way. Mmmmm, yeah, the image in my head is niiiice.” Adam batted his lashes at Sawyer, making him smile and strike out with a teasing fist.