by A. D. Ellis
“I had about a month left to go in my schooling, and I could see the early graduation date looming ahead of me. It was my carrot, my prize, the only thing that had kept me going during the months of abuse. I knew as soon as I graduated, I could leave there and never look back.”
Sawyer sensed the worst was about to be told.
“What they did next almost killed my spirit, my will to live, and I sometimes wished they had just killed me.” Swallowing deeply, Luke gripped Sawyer’s shirt in his fist. “They started using things on me when they’d beat me. A hair brush handle was first, but they quickly moved to the dirty, dry, rough handle of a rake. The searing pain would take my breath away. I was usually already so exhausted from the beating, I thankfully would pass out from the pain most times. The pain never got better, but waking up in the shed after that first time with the rake, I seriously thought I’d died. The pain radiated throughout my body, and I felt the blood pour down the back of my legs as I attempted to walk. I used to laugh bitterly to myself as I tried to sooth the injuries and block the pain that at least they waited to unleash this horror on me until the very end of my stay there. The last week of school before I graduated, they took me to the shed one last time. They chained me up, assaulted me with the rake handle while laughing and calling me a fag and asking if I liked it that way. My oldest brother laughed wickedly as he made my other brother orally assault my mouth. I fought, but it just egged them on. I ended up gagging so hard I puked and passed out. I woke up on the dirt floor, the taste of puke and filth in my mouth, the pain and shame screaming through my body.”
Sawyer had stopped breathing as Luke’s story continued to pour out.
“I left that night. I couldn’t take it any longer. I lived on goodies the neighbor lady gave me and snuck into the library to use the computers so I could finish school and graduate. The day I was officially awarded my graduation certificate, I went to the lawyer’s office and claimed the money. He helped me set up a bank account; we put the money in it, and I never looked back.”
“It took several months to heal from their physical and sexual assaults, and even more for my mind to heal from the abuse. The martial arts, yoga, and Pilates all helped me to center myself and work through the physical and mental anguish. And being here with you has helped to calm the demons too.” Luke kissed Sawyer again.
They were silent for several moments, each reacting to the story they’d just told or heard.
Sawyer fought anger and sadness like he’d never felt before. He wanted to lash out, to hurt, to cry; he wanted to hold, to protect, to comfort. Taking Luke’s hands in his, Sawyer fought back the tears. “Luke, thank you so very much for sharing your story with me. I hate what they did. I hurt for you, but I feel like I understand you so much better now.” Kissing him gently, lingering softly, Sawyer feared his next question, but he knew it had to be asked.
“Like I said, I appreciate you sharing with me, but I have to be honest and say that I don’t understand what happened to change your mind about accepting your feelings and wanting to be with me.” Sawyer’s brow crinkled.
“Ah, that’s where my trip out of town comes into play. Now we’re getting to the good stuff.” Luke smiled and stretched slightly before continuing.
“I went to my father’s house. I wanted to confront him and my brothers. Turns out my father died of a heart attack not long after I came to Torey Hope. My oldest brother is in jail for domestic battery. The other is dead of a drug overdose. My dad’s house was just left abandoned when he died. He was already in foreclosure and it was such a junked out mess by that point, the bank took valuables and personal items out and bulldozed the house. I learned all this from talking to people around town. So, I headed to the bank and asked if I could see any of the personal items. They required the lawyer who had handled my mother’s will to identify me, but once that was done they opened a safe deposit box. There wasn’t a lot in the box of monetary value or even sentimental value. I had no need for my father’s watch or his wedding ring.” Luke paused and let his words hang in the air.
“Okay, so what else did you find? You’re killing me here.” Sawyer smirked at him and Luke laughed at him.
“The anticipation is the greatest part.” Luke smiled.
“No, the greatest part is seeing you happy and home in my arms.” Sawyer tipped Luke’s chin and kissed him firmly. “Right where you belong.”
“Nowhere else I’d rather be.” Luke kissed him back.
“Now, stop dragging out the anticipation and tell me what you found.”
“Okay, okay, so as I was digging through the box I came across this letter. It was addressed to me and dated about a week before my mom died. Inside the envelope was a small note to my mom’s lawyer asking that he see to it I got the letter along with the money. I’m not sure what happened, but the letter obviously never got to the lawyer. I have a feeling that my father had something to do with that.” Luke’s anger and hurt towards his father was still evident.
“So, they allowed me to take the letter out. I walked to the library and sat in one of the areas Mom and I used to sit in. I swear I had to read the darn thing at least ten times and by that time tears were pouring down my face so hard that people kept looking at me and asking if I was alright.” Luke gingerly pulled a letter from this back pocket. “Would you like to read it?”
“Hmmm, I don’t know, I’m not sure I’m all that interested.” Sawyer feigned indifference before rolling his eyes and kissing him. “Of course I want to read it!”
“Come over by the window, the light is better.” Luke walked to the window and held the letter out for Sawyer.
Taking it gently from him, Sawyer leaned against the window sill to read it.
My dearest Luke,
If my lawyer has given you this letter it means I’m no longer with you, but you now have money to escape and live your life freely.
I owe you an apology, baby boy. So many apologies actually.
First, I’m so sorry for keeping you in that home with those mean spirited, hateful men. You did not deserve that, and I should never have stayed.
Second, I’m sorry for keeping the truth from you for so long. I should have run away with you and told you the entire story from the time you were born. I regret so much, but this especially.
The man you grew up calling your father was not your father. The man who was truly your father was a man I fell in love with one summer while working as a waitress at the local café. He was a wanderer, much like my spirit wanted to wander, and much like I assume you will want to wander and live life to its fullest. I regret that I was not faithful to my husband, but sadly, by that point, he’d had so many mistresses I’d lost count. Your real father, Lucas, was the spitting image of you. He was kind, gentle, soft-hearted, and just a good man. He was only to be in town a week, but we struck up a friendship and neither of us could bear to think of him leaving. We gave in to the love between us, and you were the result. I’ve never once regretted that. You were born from the love of two people, and I know Lucas would have worshipped the ground you walked on.
He came back through town about a year after you were born. My husband had obviously put two and two together and realized you were not his biological son. I wanted so badly to leave town with Lucas, saving myself from a life absent of love, and saving you from a life of blatant hatred. Lucas gave me his address and told me to pack what I could and come to him. He watched you with such abject adoration, it killed him to leave his baby boy for even the short time it would take him to return home. We had such plans. We were to be a family. I packed a small bag and your baby essentials and waited until your father took his ‘real sons’ to a baseball game. Throwing our bag in the car and strapping you into your car seat, I left a brief note telling my husband that I couldn’t live like this any longer, and telling my older sons how much I loved them. You and I drove off towards Lucas’ home with the promise of love beckoning.
Upon arriving at the quaint cottage-like
house Lucas had told me about, I excitedly stepped from the car and gathered my sleeping baby into my arms. I wanted nothing more than to walk into my love’s arms and stay there forever. But his house was dark, no car in the drive, and several days’ worth of mail overflowing his mailbox. As I debated what I should do, the older gentleman who lived next door came out. “Isn’t it a shame? Nice man like that mugged and shot for a measly few dollars? He would have given anyone the shirt off his back, no reason for him to lose his life like that. Truly is a damn shame.”
Not knowing what to do or what to say, I just blinked back my tears and loaded you back into the car. I had only one place to go so I headed back to the loveless house, gathered up the note from the kitchen counter, pretended the day had never happened, and promised to make your life the best it could be in the surrounding circumstances.
Luke, I’m so sorry you never got to know your father, your daddy. He loved me, and he loved you. You two would have been inseparable, best friends.
I never learned of more details about his murder. It was easier to close off my heart and focus on you than to dwell on the hurt of losing him.
Luke, I’m so very tired. Tired of being unloved, tired of fighting this monster inside of my body, tired of being tired. I hold on only for you. You are my reason for fighting, my reason for breathing. I won’t give up until I no longer have a breath in me.
Baby boy, I know you struggle with who you are. But know this, you are a truly beautiful person inside and out. My wish for you is to be happy, to find love. Don’t give in to the hatred your father and brothers spew. Don’t let them win in making you scared and miserable and lonely. When it comes time, don’t fight love. No matter who the person is, don’t deny yourself love, sweet boy. Let love in, let love win. Only then will you defeat the hatred that tried so hard to keep you down.
You, my precious boy, are a beautiful miracle, a true gift to this world. I love you so very much.
Love,
Mom
Sawyer was crying by the time he finished the letter, and had to reread the last paragraph several times. “My God, Luke. This is heartbreaking and beautiful at the same time.”
Turning to him, Sawyer gathered him in his arms. “I’m so sorry for what you lived through and that you lost your real dad without ever having the privilege of knowing him. I’m sure if he’s half the person you are, he was a wonderful man.”
He held him close for a while, just breathing him in.
“So, all this time…” Sawyer started.
“Yeah, all these years, I took a broken sentence from my mom and made it my motto, Don’t give in, don’t let them win, when in reality that was the furthest thing from what she was wanting to tell me. And, thanks to that jackass who I called a father, I went on living with that misguided promise leading me for several years too long.” Luke gently placed his forehead against Sawyer’s. “But, do you know why I can’t be too upset? Why I’m not angry? Why I’m totally okay with the way my entire life has played out?”
Sawyer looked at him in confusion and barely croaked out, “Why?”
Cupping his hands around Sawyer’s cheeks, and lifting gently so their eyes met, Luke spoke solemnly and sincerely, “Because every moment of my life, both the good and the bad, brought me here to Torey Hope, here to you. And I don’t regret a single thing that had a hand in leading me to you, to us.”
Lowering his mouth, Luke let his lips hover mere millimeters from Sawyer’s. “Will you help me work through the fear? Help me move on?” When Sawyer could only nod, Luke closed the distance and placed a gentle, loving kiss on his lips.
The kiss quickly morphed from gentle and loving to rough and desperate. Over an hour later, still warm and sated from their joining, Sawyer held Luke in his arms.
Taking a deep breath, Sawyer’s gruff voice echoed in Luke’s ear, “I guess I was wrong. That story completely changed the way I feel about you.”
Luke stiffened and began to pull away.
“Stop, that’s not how I mean it.” The warmth of Sawyer’s arms engulfed Luke once more. “What I meant was I was crazy about you before, but now I’m in awe of you. You are one of the most resilient, strong men I’ve ever met. What you went through, it was enough to end many people, but you pulled yourself through it. And now you’ve faced your past, and are working to move on from it completely, not letting it hang over your head, looking over your shoulder any longer.” Sawyer kissed Luke’s cheek. A finger gently tipped his chin up and turned his face so Sawyer could place a long, lingering kiss on his mouth.
Chapter 18
Sawyer awoke to his body on fire. Reaching down to relieve the sweet ache, his hand found Luke’s head. In complete shock, he lifted up on his elbows to stare down at the most beautiful sight he’d ever seen. With his head thrown back he groaned, “I could get used to waking up like this.”
As Luke hummed his agreement, Sawyer knew the end was imminent and he worried about it being too much for Luke to handle too soon. “Babe, I’m not going to last much longer with you doing that, so you better stop.”
When Luke’s head shook in disagreement, Sawyer closed his eyes and savored his release. Never had it meant more to him than to share it with Luke.
When Luke crawled up his body and kissed him roughly, Sawyer could only smile. Chuckling through kisses, he teased, “Well, you certainly got over that fear pretty quickly.”
Luke nuzzled their noses together, while two other appendages took a moment to say good morning as well. “I would gladly do that every single morning.” He kissed him. “You taste good. You smell delicious. And I know you’d never do that to hurt me.”
“You know what else I’d never do to hurt you?” Sawyer smirked.
“Yeah, I know, just give me a little more time on that one.” Luke spoke as he eased himself between Sawyer’s legs. “Until then, I can never get enough of this.” Thrusting slowly, he allowed time for Sawyer’s body to stretch against him.
Looking down to where they met, Luke’s voice cracked, “Look at us, we are beautiful together.”
Pulling him into a hot, toe-curling kiss, Sawyer couldn’t have agreed more.
***********
After an extremely sensual shower and breakfast, Sawyer walked up slowly behind a bent over Luke as he put the cereal in the bottom cabinet. “Nothing to be afraid of, it’s just me,” he said softly as he rocked himself against Luke’s ass.
Tensing momentarily, but forcing himself to relax, Luke stood up enough to rest his arms on the kitchen counter. Sawyer wrapped his arms around Luke’s chest and nuzzled his ear, “Just feel me. Even through clothes you can feel how much I want you, how hot you make me. I won’t force it or rush you, but I will take every single chance I can get to make you more comfortable with this.” He continued to rock into him, pressing the evidence of his desire firmly against Luke’s jean-clad backside.
“Mmmm, well, now that you’ve got me all worked up so that I want to spend all day in bed, would you like to hear about my plans for us today?” Luke pressed himself back against Sawyer’s steely heat.
“If the plans involve spending all day in bed, I’m totally for it. Let’s go!” Sawyer grabbed his hand in jest and pretended to run back to the bedroom.
“So, that’s how it is now, huh? Just sex?” Luke laughed as they paused outside the bedroom door.
“No, you know I’m kidding.” Kissing his nose, Sawyer got serious. “Tell me all about your plans for today. Leave nothing out.”
Luke laughed at Sawyer’s silliness.
“Well, I thought I’d cash in my raincheck on the aquarium. Then when we get home, I’ll make dinner for you and try my hand at making your favorite dessert.” Luke was obviously proud of his well-laid plans.
Wrapping his arms around Luke’s waist so that their bodies connected from abdomens down, Sawyer leaned back a bit to get a good look at Luke’s face. “Wow, you’ve been all kinds of busy, huh? A date to the aquarium, dinner, and dessert? I’m impressed. B
ut, I’ve got to know, just how do you know my favorite dessert is peach pie?”
When Luke’s face fell, Sawyer couldn’t help but laughing.
“I’m kidding, it’s chocolate pie. But, seriously, how did you know that?”
Luke rolled his eyes and breathed a sigh of relief. “Don’t do that, asshole. I’m already anxious enough about cooking and baking for you, I don’t need you throwing me into a panic by introducing a different dessert to the menu. And, I may have talked to your brother. Well, actually, I talked to Kendrick first, but he kept saying things like, ‘Sawyer loves balls, melon balls. And anything with nuts, Sawyer’s crazy about nuts. Hmmm, I seem to remember him saying he really loves cream filled long john donuts.’ So, I finally gave up getting a serious answer from him and asked Decker. Luckily he’d heard Kendrick’s answers and took pity on me.” Luke chuckled and Sawyer couldn’t help but laugh at Kendrick’s answers.
“Yeah, that’s Kendrick for you.”
***********
“So, I’ve told you what happened in my past. You planning on telling me what happened while I was gone?” Luke glanced at Sawyer while they drove through the early morning sunshine.
“Honestly, I’d rather not, but I’m sure you’ll hear about it around town.” Sawyer rubbed the new scar on his forehead.
Luke sat patiently and waited for the story to be told.
“Some local men interrupted a meeting at The Center+ and basically outed both of us to the town. They didn’t use our names, but they threw around some derogatory words and caused a stir among the members and townsfolk. Caused some issues with The Center+, that’s why we were having the meeting the night you came back.”