Jessica's Wish

by Marci Bolden

  That didn’t ease her anxiety. “How did things go with the attorney?”

  “Fine. He asked questions about my parents’ marriage and things like that. Just made sure they could provide Mira with a good home. Nothing major.”

  “Does he anticipate any issues?”

  Phil shook his head and stepped around Mallory. “As long as Lynn signs the papers, everything should be fine. He suggested that they have an open adoption since they are already planning on telling Mira about her birth mother. He said that could help smooth over any reservations Lynn may have.” He picked up the drawing Jessica was working on. “This is…um…”

  He turned the notebook to Mallory.

  Mal thought the drawing was pretty good for an eleven-year-old. Though the proportions were off and her lines were shaky, the picture was clearly meant to be the three of them—Phil, Jessica, and Mallory—holding hands while Lucky sat next to them.

  “She’s a pretty good artist,” Mallory said.

  “Mom has been teaching her from the time she could hold a pencil. She wanted to help Jess work on her fine motor skills. Since Jess liked to draw and paint, it kept her interested and gave her motivation to keep trying.” As he looked at the picture again, the sadness in his eyes grew.

  Mallory had that sense of dread again. “What’s wrong, Phil?”

  He dropped the book onto the table. “I didn’t eat lunch. Want to order pizza?”

  “Sure,” she said as he moved away from her again.

  He didn’t have to ask what she wanted. They’d ordered enough pizza over the three months that she’d been back for him to know she liked everything but onions. Instead of listening to him call in the order, she walked down the hall to Jessica’s room. She’d added Mallory’s drawing to several others on the corkboard that covered the bottom part of one wall. She was standing back admiring the placement when Mallory gingerly knocked on the door.

  Jessica gestured for her to come in. “I made it look like a gallery.”

  “I see that.”

  “Grandma had a gallery showing once. She didn’t like it. She said it meant she’d confirmed.”

  Mallory chuckled. “Conformed.”

  “Yeah. That. Anyway. I think she’s a little bit crazy because when I grow up, I can’t wait to have a gallery showing.”

  Mal sat on her bed. “You’re going to be an artist when you grow up?”

  “Just like you and Grandma. I don’t want to be a confirmist like Dad and Grandpa.”

  “Conformist. And I don’t think your dad and grandpa conformed. They just enjoy what they do.”

  Jessica turned from her wall. “Are you a conformist? Since you work for your mom now?”

  The shadow that had formed over Mallory grew a bit denser. She hadn’t considered that, but in a way she had conformed. “I guess. I could find a job doing graphic design again, but I want to help Mom’s business. It’s important to her, so that makes it important to me.”

  Sitting on the bed next to Mallory, Jessica seemed to ponder her answer. “Do you think Annie wants you to conform? Because I know Annie, and I don’t think she’d want you to do that.”

  Mallory smiled a bit. “It’s not that simple, Jess.”

  “Why?”

  “Because Marcus needs help with the real estate agency. He took on a big responsibility when Mom got hurt and couldn’t help as much anymore. I know the family business, too. I can help. It shouldn’t all be on Marcus when I can help.”

  “So you are giving up what you want to do to help someone else?”

  “I’m not really giving up what I want to do.” She gestured toward the drawing on the wall. “That’s what I really want to be doing. I wasn’t doing that in California, either.”

  “Why?”

  Yeah. Why? “I don’t know. I guess I was scared people wouldn’t like my work.”

  “I like your work,” Jessica said with all the conviction she seemed to be able to muster.

  Mallory ran her hand down Jessica’s back. “Thanks, Jess. I think that’s probably the best compliment I could ask for.” She meant that, too. Sure, she’d love to get paid to draw comic books, but the reality of that was out of her reach right now. What wasn’t out of her reach was making this kid happy, and she’d done that with her drawing. That was enough for now. The rest… Well, that would happen someday if she wanted it to. She’d find a way to balance O’Connell Realty, helping her mom, and drawing comics. Everything would fall into place. Someday.

  Jessica blinked and grew serious. “You can call me Punk now.”

  A lump filled Mallory’s throat. She might as well have been handed everything she’d ever wanted, because that was the feeling that swallowed her. She hadn’t even realized she’d been waiting for permission to use Jessica’s nickname until she’d been given it like the key to some majestic city. “Thanks, Punk,” she whispered, because she couldn’t seem to speak louder than that through her emotions.

  “You’re welcome, Mal,” Jessica said casually, as if she had no idea how much she’d just touched Mallory’s heart.

  The sound of a clearing throat made them both turn toward the door. Phil looked about as distressed as he had when he’d first appeared in his living room. “Pizza’s on the way. How about you pick out a movie to watch, Punk?”

  “Yes,” she hissed, jumping off the bed.

  Mallory’s sense of dread grew. Phil was clearly dismissing Jessica from the room. He didn’t let her pick the movie they’d watch very often. He wasn’t nearly as keen on ponies and unicorns as his daughter. Even though her tastes were turning more toward Marvel and DC Comics, he was hesitant to let her have the final say in their evening entertainment. The only reason he did now, it seemed, was to get her out of the room.

  Standing, Mallory wiped her hands on her denim-clad thighs, feeling uneasy at the stress on his face. “You know we’re probably going to end up watching something with Barbie dolls spontaneously singing, right?”

  “I don’t know. Batman has started to become a staple around here.”

  “Good,” she said with an enthusiasm she didn’t really feel. “Glad to see her world is expanding.”

  “Trust me. It’s definitely a step in the right direction.”

  She started around him, but he put his hand lightly to her arm and she stopped. She looked at him curiously, but her gut was still twisting with anxiety at his increasingly dark mood.

  “Thank you, Mallory.”

  “For what?”

  He gestured toward the just-added drawing on Jessica’s wall. “The way you’ve connected with Jess is amazing. Not everyone is as receptive to her. So many people treat her like she’s going to break. Or like her disability is contagious. You’ve always been so relaxed around her. She really needs that kind of acceptance. Having you around has had a great impact on her. She talks about you all the time.”

  Even though his words sounded more like a scientific observation than praise, she couldn’t help but smile. There was nothing she wanted more, it seemed, than to be accepted by that quirky preteen she’d grown so fond of. “She’s had a pretty good impact on me as well. I adore her, Phil. I really do.”

  “Good. I’m glad you feel that way. But…” He blew his breath out. “It’s a bit…”

  Stuttering. Incomplete sentences. This wasn’t going to end well.

  Mallory tried to keep the smile on her face. Maybe if she didn’t accept whatever he was trying to say to her, he wouldn’t say it. “What?”

  “Disconcerting.”

  Disconcerting?

  There it was. The tip of the iceberg of his unease.

  “Care to expand on that?” she asked, though she was internally begging him not to. She didn’t want to know, didn’t want to hear what was coming next. Rejection. She could see it so clearly now. He was rejecting her. Probably had been for a long time and she was just too blind and dumb to see it.

  “She’s really starting to care for you, Mallory. More than she should this soon.�
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  “I care for her, too.”

  “You’re just getting settled into this new life.”

  “New life?” She scoffed. “I grew up here, Phil. Mom started teaching me real estate as soon as I could do basic math. Nothing here is new.”

  “You know what I mean,” he said, and his words sounded…shameful, as if he hated what he was saying but was saying it anyway.

  Her heart, which had been filled with so much happiness the last few weeks, seemed to mock her. This had all been too good to be real. She’d known this was coming. “I’m not going to disappear on her if that’s what you’re thinking,” she said. “I’m not going anywhere. My family is here.”

  “I know. I believe you. It’s just…”

  “What?” she pressed. He didn’t respond, so she demanded again, “What?”

  The sadness in his eyes grew and the creases between his eyes deepened. “I’m just concerned that she’s starting to get the wrong idea about us.”

  That was like being stabbed in the heart. “Us?”

  “Us. You and me and her. The three of us.”

  A knot formed in Mallory’s chest. Had she gotten the wrong idea about them, too? Because the way he had been acting certainly seemed like an invitation for her to enter his life. They’d made love just a few days ago, and the night before he’d kissed her with more passion than she had ever felt before.

  But then that splash of cold had ended their evening. She seemed to be getting an explanation as to why. She’d wondered about his mood swing all day. Now she was beginning to realize it wasn’t his mood that had changed; it was his heart. She swallowed hard as tears formed a ball in her throat.

  “I just think that maybe we should take a step back,” he said.

  “A step back? To what? We’ve barely taken a step forward.”

  He drew a breath. “I shouldn’t have asked you to babysit while I went to the attorney. She has a babysitter.”

  Ouch. “Well, you said the babysitter doesn’t like picking her up from school because it’s a madhouse. I didn’t mind. Besides, it wasn’t babysitting as much as it was two friends hanging out drawing a bunch of pictures.”

  Her attempt to sway him from the notion that she somehow didn’t deserve to be there backfired. His frown deepened.

  “You drew superheroes,” he said. “Jessica drew pictures of us as a family.”

  “Did she say it was us as a family? Because it looked like the three of us just hanging out as we always do.”

  He sighed. “I’m not trying to be a jerk here, Mallory.”

  “I didn’t say you were.”

  “Your tone is getting a bit defensive.”

  She took a breath, hoping to lose the edge she hadn’t realized she’d had. Her frustration was mounting quickly and had been since the night before. Ever since he started this back-and-forth, hot-to-cold route. “I don’t get where this is coming from, Phil,” she said honestly and more gently. “I’m not trying to make Jessica think we’re a family.”

  “I know that. You haven’t done anything wrong.”

  “Really?”

  “Listen, you don’t have to try, Mallory. She’s had it in her mind from the start. I shouldn’t have let things get this far.”

  “Get this far? You mean you shouldn’t have”—she glanced down the hall before whispering—“fucked me and made me think we were a couple? That I was important to you? Isn’t that what you said before crawling into my bed?”

  “It’s not about that.” Phil raked his hand through his hair, again looking like he was dreading his words. But if he were, he’d stop staying them. Instead, he explained, “You’re here almost every night, and if you’re not here, we’re at your house. It’s given Jessica the wrong idea.”

  She opened her mouth to protest, but he continued.

  “Today my parents said she was telling them all about how she wants us to buy a different house when we get married. One that has a bigger yard for Lucky and an art studio for you two to share.”

  That gave Mallory pause.

  “She’s making plans that she has no business making,” Phil continued. “She’s dreaming of things that are never going to happen. When she realizes that, it’s going to crush her. I can’t let her get her hopes up.”

  Never going to happen. Not might never happen. But never going to happen. Marriage hadn’t crossed her mind, hadn’t even been on the radar. However, for him to say that it would never happen was fairly definitive and cut at her heart like a serrated knife. If he felt that strongly about it, why the hell had he been in her bed?

  Oh. Right.

  Her mother’s voice from years ago rang through her mind. Men only want one thing, Mallory Jane.

  Shaking her head, dismissing the latest sting to her ego, Mallory said, “You need to talk to her. Explain to her that we’re all still getting to know each other and we aren’t there yet.”

  “I’ve done that. I’ve explained that we’re just friends,” he said, and his statement of friendship cut her again. The words had felt like a lie to her, but clearly they were his truth. He didn’t seem to notice how they’d hurt her. He simply continued explaining why Mallory no longer fit. “She’s getting too invested in this. In you.”

  Okay. That was the last button, the final straw, the nail in the coffin. He’d just burned her one too many times. She narrowed her eyes at him, her confusion consumed by the anger his implication raised. “What in the hell makes you think I’m not worth Jessica getting invested in?”

  “That’s not what I’m saying.”

  “That’s exactly what you’re saying. You wanted me to be someone she could turn to. Now you’re saying she’s too invested in me. I can’t be someone she turns to if she doesn’t trust me, Phil. If she doesn’t invest in me and if I don’t invest in her.”

  He seemed surprised, genuinely surprised, that she was angry. “I just need you to back off a little bit, Mallory. That’s all.”

  “Why? What did I do? What brought this on?”

  “You didn’t do anything.”

  “Bullshit,” she spat under her breath so Jess didn’t hear. She wanted to scream and yell and maybe even punch him in the stomach for being such a jerk all of a sudden. “You were all over me last night, and then you couldn’t get rid of me fast enough. Now you want me to back off? What the hell did I do?”

  He raked his hand through his hair and exhaled loudly. “I just don’t want her to get hurt.”

  Tears pricked at her eyes. She didn’t know if she was upset by his words, the insinuation that she’d ever hurt Jessica, or because he was very clearly putting an end to whatever they’d started. “I’m not going to hurt her,” she practically begged. “I care about her.”

  “I know that. I know you wouldn’t intentionally hurt her, but she’s starting to count on things that aren’t going to happen. We’re not going to get married and have a big house and all the things she told my parents she wants.”

  There was that conviction again, that certainty that friendship was all he ever wanted from her. “So tell her that. Tell her the truth. But don’t tell me to back off when I haven’t done anything but be here for her, like you asked me to.”

  “Just some time, Mal. Just some time and space. Please.”

  “Fine. Whatever you want, Phil.” Throwing her hands up, she slid by him and headed for the living room. “Hey, Jess,” she said as cheerfully as she could. “I totally forgot I have to have dinner with my mom tonight.”

  “No,” Jessica said dramatically. “I picked out an Avengers’ movie just for you.”

  “Sweet. Tell you what,” she said, putting her hand on Jess’s. “We’ll watch it next time I’m over.”

  “Tomorrow?”

  Mallory glanced at Phil, who had emerged from the hallway. “Probably not tomorrow. I’ve got things to do. But soon. Okay?”

  A loud sigh was followed by Jessica dropping back on the sofa. “Fine.”

  “Hey,” Mal whispered. When Jess look
ed at her, pouting ever so slightly, she smiled. “I love you, Punk.”

  “Love you, Mal. Tell Annie hi for me, okay?”

  “I will.”

  Grabbing her coat and her purse, Mallory didn’t bother saying goodbye to Phil. The stupid jerk didn’t deserve the nicety.

  Phil sank back on the couch, certain that Jessica was finally asleep and Lucky had made his final potty-break request. This was definitely one of those days when being a single parent wore him down to the bone. He was exhausted from her constant chattering and questions and making plans for the following weekend. Did he think Mallory would want to go to the children’s museum? Did he think Mallory would bring the projector over again? Did he think they could make tacos instead of ordering pizza because Mallory told her that she really liked tacos? Did he think they could take Lucky for a walk at the lake with Mallory?

  Everything was about Mallory. And not just in Jessica’s mind, either. He couldn’t stop seeing the hurt in her eyes as he stood there telling her that she needed to back off. Even though everything in him was screaming at him to shut his big fat mouth, he continued until she finally heard him and walked away.

  Looking at his phone, he felt an unrealistic amount of disappointment that she hadn’t texted him. Of course she hadn’t. He’d done everything he could to pull the rug out from under her.

  She wasn’t stupid. He’d taken her to bed, and yeah, he’d implied they were a couple with more than just his actions. He’d held her in her bed, kissed her and stroked her soft skin over and over, telling her how he couldn’t remember ever feeling the way he felt about her. They hadn’t been cheap words, but they certainly seemed to be now. Their attraction was on a level he’d never delved to. His feelings for her were strong and real, and he suspected hers were as well. But then he’d told her right to her face there wasn’t more to it than friendship.

  She’d flinched. She’d actually flinched when he told they’d never have a future together. He wanted to kick himself in the ass for that. Instead, he opened his phone and looked at her social media pages. She was more active than he’d ever been, so all the evidence of their recent adventures had played out on her pages. The comic book convention, trying new restaurants, Lucky’s first night at home, teaching Jessica new drawing techniques. Her page was filled with their short life together.