by Wendy Smith
“Oh, he wants you. I’ll babysit.”
I glare at her. “Traitor.”
“You need to sort this shit out once and for all. I’ll prepare to stay the night on Friday.”
I narrow my eyes even further. “So you’re assuming I’m going to sleep with him?”
“Damn right.” She laughs. “He’s hot and he wants you..”
“I don’t know what to do.”
She shrugs. “Follow your heart, Delaney.”
“That’s what Josh said. Have you two been talking?”
Pania smiles. “No. But if it was me, we’d be doing more than talking.”
I gape at her. “That’s my …”
“Your what?” She crosses her arms, one eyebrow popping up.
“My Facebook relationship status it’s complicated. That’s what he is.”
She drops her arms to her sides. “Just go to dinner and see what happens. What harm can it do?”
The truth is, I’m not exactly sure what harm it can do.
I look at my phone.
Me: I’ve got a babysitter. What time do you want me there?
Josh: Around seven?
Me: It’s a da…
I pause. Delete.
Me: See you then.
Twenty-One
Delaney
It’s the longest half-week ever.
Why am I so nervous?
We’ve had a first date before. How will things go tonight?
I change four times before I settle on a simple black dress Pania made me a while ago, and I’ve never worn. It’s not too revealing, but I like the way it sits on my hips, and my cleavage looks amazing in it.
“Hello?” Pania’s voice comes from the front door.
I step out into the living room.
“Pania.” Melly runs to Pania.
“You just saw her a few hours ago.” I laugh.
“I’m staying with you tonight, my sweet little girl.”
Melly’s eyes widen. “Really?”
“No. Like I told you, I’ll be home later.” I shake my head and shoot a glare at Pania.
Pania looks me over. “I don’t think I’ve seen you wear a dress in forever. Is that the dress I made you?”
I grin. “It is. Fits like a glove because you’re so clever. This is a special occasion. He didn’t tell me how I should dress, so I took a punt.”
“Well, you look beautiful. He won’t be able to resist.”
“Mummy’s going to see Josh,” Melly announces.
Pania nods. “I know, sweetheart.”
“He loves Mummy.”
I stare at her. “What?”
“He held her hand so he loves her.”
I bite my bottom lip and try not to laugh. “I’m not sure about that, Melly. But I do like him.”
“So do I. He watched the All Blacks with us.” She turns to Pania for that last bit, and Pania smiles, running her fingers through Melly’s hair.
“That sounds like fun. What are we going to do tonight?”
“She’s had dinner. I wouldn’t worry about a bath, but bedtime is …”
“She’ll be fine with me. I know the rules. Go and have fun with your man.”
I open my mouth to correct her, but I smile instead. He is my man. If I want him to be. It’s just such a fantastical thought when I think about who he is. Back when we first met, we were equals. Now, it feels like he’s unobtainable. But that’s not true. He wants me.
“Get out of here, girl.”
I give Pania a hug before bending to kiss my little girl on the forehead. “Be good for Pania.”
And when I’m out the door and on the other side, I take a deep breath of the cool night air and steel myself before seeing Josh again. Because his intensity scares the crap out of me.
I pat my bag, having retrieved the letter I sent him all those years ago. The letter that told him he was going to be a father.
It’s time he read it.
It’s a beautiful night to drive up the mountain.
The air is crisp, and the sky is cloudless. I’ve never been up here at night before, and the view must be incredible.
I’m still relieved to pull up outside the house, and a little afraid of what’s inside.
Despite saying I’m not staying the night, I still wore my best underwear. Just in case. I’m prepared for anything. At least, that’s what I tell myself.
Josh answers the door dressed in jeans and a T-shirt. I look down at myself. “Am I overdressed?”
He shakes his head. “You look beautiful. Come in before dinner burns.”
I take a sniff as I walk in the door. “It’s a bit late by the smell of it.”
“Shit.” He runs, but I follow behind him into a large kitchen. A large shiny kitchen. Forget the man—the appliances in here are new and look virtually untouched, and I could seriously orgasm just at the amount of bench space.
This. This is the way to my heart.
“It’s okay. It’s just a little brown in the centre.”
I walk over to where Josh is standing by the cooktop, frypan in hand. In the centre are four slices of bread, and if I’m not mistaken, cheese between them.
“You made me a toasted sandwich for dinner?” I clamp my lips together.
His brows knit. “I know it’s not much, but you know how bad I am at cooking.”
I laugh. “Nothing’s changed.”
“There’s plenty of food. I’m sure I can make something else.”
He turns, and I grab hold of his hand. “Josh. It’s okay. I’m happy to eat whatever you make.”
“Are you sure?”
“You cooked for me, and it’s the sweetest thing ever. I love it.”
His eyebrows quiver. Uncertainty crosses his face. “Are you sure?”
“Completely. Let’s eat before it gets cold.” I link my fingers in his. “Everything’s perfect, Josh. I don’t want to change a thing.”
I take a deep breath before leaning over to kiss him. He opens up, his tongue sliding over mine, but I pull back before it goes too far.
“Are you okay?” he asks.
“I’m fine. I just need something to eat.”
He grins. “Give me one second.”
He tips the frypan. The sandwiches slide onto a plate sitting beside another plate with an identical meal on it.
Picking up the two plates, he leads me through the dining room and into a soft-lit room with a big couch and an even bigger television.
“What are we doing?”
“I thought we could watch The Fellowship of the Ring. It’s been a while since I’ve seen it, and it’s the extended cut so it’s the longer version.” His lips curl. “And the longer I get with you, the better.”
I nod slowly. “That’s a great idea. But if you’ve got it, why don’t we watch your movie?”
“Which movie?”
“The movie.”
Josh smiles. “You might be in luck. I think it’s on Netflix.” He licks his lips. “You know, if things had been different, you would have been on my arm at the premiere, and we would have celebrated its success together.”
I let out a sigh. “I know. I wish things had panned out that way.”
“Me too.” He places the plates on the coffee table in front of the couch. “Did you want a drink? There’s literally everything here.”
“Juice or something fizzy would be nice.”
Josh nods. “Coming right up.”
I take a deep breath as he leaves the room. He’s being so sweet. I’m not sure what I expected, but him cooking cheese on bread in a frypan wasn’t at the top of the list.
It takes me back to when we first met. It’s the kind of meal we shared when we were dating.
“Here we go. Two orange juices.” He places the glasses on the table and sits beside me. “This takes me back. Grilled cheese used to be the only meal I could afford on the menu of the coffee shop.”
I laugh. “Is that why you ordered it so often?”
&nb
sp; “That, and I got to spend time with you. I borrowed off Reece to pay for it most of the time.”
“Really?”
He shrugs. “I needed an excuse to spend time with you, and at that stage you hadn’t said yes to going out with me.”
All I do is smile. I liked him so much too. He came in daily, always with the same order, and spent every minute until he got his food chatting to me. I knew he was interested, and I was too.
I pick up my plate. “Let me critique this meal.”
“Please don’t.” He laughs.
“It’ll be fine. When the weather’s cold like this, Melly and I snuggle down on the couch with a blanket and some cheese toasties and watch movies.”
His lips twitch. “Does that mean we get to snuggle? I’ve got plenty of blankets.”
“Maybe. Depends on how good this is.” I pick up a sandwich.
“That’s harsh, Delaney.”
I laugh. “That’s me.”
When we’ve finished eating, he takes my plate and disappears, returning with a wool blanket and a hopeful look on his face.
How can I say no?
Spreading it across us, he slips one arm around my shoulders, and starts the movie.
I steal glimpses of him, only to find him looking at me.
“What?” I ask after the third time I catch his eye.
“I like looking.” He cocks his head. “I’d like to be kissing you, but this will have to do.”
I shrug. “I wouldn’t say no.”
His eyes search mine for a second before he leans in. I cover the gap and our lips meet. Kissing him takes me back, and I don’t want to stop. Ever.
He pulls back. “You’re supposed to be watching my movie.”
Laughing, I turn back to the screen, leaning my head against his. “I was, but someone distracted me.”
“Good distraction, I hope.”
“Always.”
Josh is amazing in the movie. He’s a good man undercover, and pretending to be bad is hard on his character. I find myself in tears when we reach that point of the movie.
He holds me in his arms, kisses my tears away, and his care of me during that tiny little scene is what finally makes me believe this is real. All of it.
Everything I’ve felt for so long—the hurt, the sadness over Melly not having her dad in her life, the loss I felt for the man I’d come to love—that will never change. But it’s in the past because I finally start to see a future.
A future with Josh.
I’m sorry when the movie ends, but still resolved to not spend the night. I hate being away from Melly. And there’s still a lot of ground for Josh and I to cover.
“What did you think?” he asks.
I smile. “You were amazing. I should have seen that movie a long time ago.”
“I understand why you didn’t.”
“It would have left me feeling foolish, but I would have guessed at the truth.”
He’s back to searching my eyes, and my vulnerability is probably written all over my face. I want what we had, and so does he.
“We can’t recreate the past. It’s too late for that,” I say.
“I don’t want to do that. I want to start over.”
His lips twitch, like he’s fighting a smile. “I was so nervous about our first night together. All I cared about was making sure you wanted more. I even googled to make sure I knew where the clitoris was. I know now.”
My heart leaps. “I was nervous back then, too. But that was a long time ago.” Wait. “What? You did what?” I clamp my lips together to stop myself from laughing, but it’s too late and despite my best efforts, I let out a choked laugh.
“Don’t. I mean, I was sure I knew where it was, and you weren’t the first girl I’d slept with, but …”
I hold up my palm, letting out a snort-laugh. “Stop it. I’m not sure whether you’re digging yourself a bigger hole or telling me the most adorable thing I think I’ve ever heard.”
“Can we go for the latter?” Those dimples light up and my heart flutters at the sight.
“Damn it, Josh. You need to stop being so cute.”
He grins. “That’s a good sign, right?”
“I don’t know what it is.”
“You keep letting me kiss you. I want more than just your friendship, Delaney. You know that.”
I shrug. “I know what you think you want, but I wonder if it’s just after finding out you had a daughter you have some misguided feelings for me.”
He grasps my arms. “Nothing about how I feel is misguided. I mourned losing you for so long after you left. It feels right to have you back.”
“One step at a time. Okay?”
His loving smile makes me want to take back those words. I want to jump his bones and ride him like a rocking horse.
Get yourself together, Delaney.
“I should go,” I say.
He nods. “You’re worth the wait. I know that.”
I swallow hard.
Together, we get up and walk to the front door.
“I’ve got something for you.” Reaching into my bag, I pull out the letter. I never opened it when I got it back—there was some finality in the writing on the envelope that said gone, no forwarding address.
“What is it?”
“I’d always thought I’d give this to Melly if she ever asked about us. I had this plan to explain to her that her daddy was very famous, and that I’d tried to tell him about her, and that it wasn’t his fault that he didn’t know.” Tears well in my eyes, and I bite my bottom lip to try and stop them. “So, take this because it’s yours, and when we’re both ready, we can tell her our story.”
His Adam’s apple bobs as he swallows, but he takes the envelope. “Thank you.”
"I should have tried harder to get hold of you. You just seemed so out of reach.”
His eyes turn so sad. “I probably was. My assistant helps me handle my social media, and any queries go to her and my agent first. There were barriers between us, Delaney, and I know that.”
I take a step closer. “I don’t know what this is between us. Not yet. But I wanted you to know how sorry I am for everything. I’m not sure I’ll ever be able to make it up to you.”
He smiles, and takes me by the hand. “All we can do is move forward. I hope you know how much this letter means to me.”
“I never wanted you to not know. And I know that’s a double negative, but you know what I mean.”
He laughs. “I know what you mean.”
“Goodnight, Josh.”
Squeezing my hand, he raises it to his lips. He closes his eyes and kisses it softly. “Goodnight, Delaney.”
“Thank you for a lovely evening.”
And then he lets me go, and I walk to the car without looking back because I know if I do, I’ll stay.
Maybe that wouldn’t be a bad thing, but I need some fresh air after that reminder of the past.
I need to be home with my girl.
Twenty-Two
Delaney
Josh
My hands tremble as I look at the envelope.
What would my life have been like if I’d received this? What would I have done back then if I’d found out about Delaney’s pregnancy?
There’s a good chance I would have thrown away my film career just to be with her. I’m not sure if I ever would have had another opportunity like the one I got.
Regardless of my success, it’s a high price to pay for the family I should have had. Delaney and I could have worked everything out years ago.
I walk back into the house and sit on the couch.
Taking a deep breath, I break the seal on the envelope and pull out the piece of paper from within.
Dear Josh,
I’m sure you’re surprised to hear from me. Well, surprise!
I was a coward that morning, and ran before confronting you, but I heard you on the phone. At least you didn’t have to worry about dumping me, or letting me come home and breaking my
heart then. And I am heartbroken. Why? I fell in love with you, but why did you do it?
As much as I want to know the answer, this letter isn’t about me.
There’s no easy way to tell you this, but I’m pregnant. It’s okay. I don’t expect you to take responsibility for the baby. I’m not sure what I’m having yet, but I wanted you to know, and I’ll contact you again when the baby arrives just in case you do want to know.
I’m not living with my mother anymore. She gave me an ultimatum that I get rid of the baby or leave, so I left. My friend Pania, who I told you all about, and her mum have taken me in. She’s got a huge family, and our baby will be a part of that family now, so he or she won’t want for love.
I wish things were different. I tried to call you, but your phone isn’t in service. Then I saw the casting news and realised things are on the rise for you. Maybe it doesn’t mean much, but I’m so proud of you, and one day our son or daughter will be just as proud.
I’ll tell them all about you when they’re older, and let them make up their mind if they want to find you.
I’ve dialled back my studies and am doing a shorter course to become a cook rather than the chef studies I had planned. My focus is going to be on this baby and making sure they have the best life I can give them, whether you’re a part of that or not.
I also wanted to let you know how much you hurt me. I didn’t want to fall in love, but I couldn’t help it because you are perfect. I’m not sure I’ll ever not love you because even though my heart is broken, I still want us.
And I just realised that I said this letter wasn’t about me, but I’ve made it about me. That wasn’t intentional. You know how much I talk.
Anyway, I don’t want to make this letter too long. I’m happy that you’re going to get to live your dream, and I hope your film does crazy well. I’m not sure if I’ll be able to watch you on screen, but I’m sure you’ll soon be the star you were always meant to be.