by Lynda Aicher
“Did something happen?”
She could tell him about Jimmy and his mother, except that was only the trigger not the reason for her sudden flight. “Not really. I’m just tired.” That wasn’t the full truth either, but how could she tell him how hard it was to be with the group, be near him and not be with him?
“Do you believe I love you, Liv?”
Her head flew up, eyes going wide. His expression was gentled with the emotion he was professing, yet she was still afraid to trust it.
“I believe it.” God, she did, which was what made this so hard. “But that still doesn’t mean you’re ready to love me.”
He got up without a word and went to his bag, returning with a flat rectangular wrapped box in his hand. A gift. “You left before I could give this to you last night.”
Her pulse took off and her hands would’ve trembled if they weren’t clamped around her mug. He did get her a present. It was silly that it meant so much. She didn’t even know what it was and already it was enough to choke her up.
He traced a finger over the edge of the box, his focus on the movement. “I want you to understand that I’m ready for you.” He looked up, holding her gaze, and she swallowed hard against the rush of fear-mixed-anticipation that stole her breath. “You said you’d wait for me, and I can’t tell you how grateful I am that you gave me the time to deal with my past. But I’m hoping you understand this.” He held the box out to her, the object shaking a touch before she set her coffee down and took the gift in her own trembling hands.
The present was about the size of a postcard, less than an inch thick and light as a feather. A necklace maybe? A gift card? No. He made it seem more important than that.
She glanced up, suddenly afraid to open it. “What is it?”
He sat next to her and traced a line along her jaw that sent goose bumps down her neck. “Open it and find out.”
“Is it bad to say I’m scared to?” Her stomach twisted around the anxiety that had been nestled there for weeks.
He frowned. “Why?”
She scanned his face and gave in to the urge to brush the curl off his forehead. It was soft around her fingers, and she smiled when it fell back down the second she drew her hand back. “What if it’s not what I want?” she asked softly. Right behind that was the flip side of what if this was?
“Tell me what you want.” His voice was low, deep with the emotion that showed in his eyes.
Did she dare to let her hope free? She blinked a few times and stared at the box until it wasn’t blurred anymore. The tape broke under her finger, and she slowly peeled the wrapping off to find a plain white box beneath. She took a breath, afraid to look at him before lifting the cover off. Her hand shook and she quickly set down the lid, hoping he didn’t notice.
Basic white cotton sat on top, and she pulled it back to find a picture of the front of his house, a large For Sale sign in the yard. It took her a moment to get what she was looking at, then her head whipped up to stare at him, mouth open in confused understanding. And hope. Yeah, there was nothing but hope and love rushing through her now.
“Is this…” She didn’t know how to finish it.
“Yes.” He smiled and lifted the picture out of the box. “My house is for sale. It’s time. The past will always be there, but I’m ready to look ahead now.” He set the picture down and laced his fingers with hers, the connection sizzling up her arm to batter her heart. “I was hoping you’d help me pick out a new house.”
Her head spun with the implication of his words and her mouth opened and closed a few times before she finally asked, “Why?”
His smile was gentle, like his touch on her cheek. “I was also hoping you’d want to live there, too.” He swallowed and his tongue snaked out to wet his lips. “I miss you, Liv. I miss coming home to your kisses and tripping over your shoes and having your clothes scattered all over our bedroom. I miss your laugh and hearing how many people you helped each day and the concern in your voice when you talk about the kids at the center. I miss… God. I miss all of you. Everything about you. I want to be there with you. To share your life and mine. I want it all—with you.”
He tipped her chin up, his thumb grazing over her bottom lip. It seemed as if everything inside her shook. Her skin flushed hot while her chest compressed and her stomach twisted in a dance that waffled between joy and pain, still unwilling to believe.
“I love you so much,” he said, a rough catch in his voice. “I have for a while. But I’m more than ready to love you now. I hope you’re still waiting for me, but I’ll understand if this—us—isn’t what you want.”
Tears sat on the rim of her eyes and she tried so hard to hold them back, only there were more behind them. He’d said everything she’d wished for him to say, dreamed he would say since she’d walked away. She didn’t doubt his feelings, couldn’t with the truth shining clearly in his eyes. Yet…
“What do you want, Liv?”
She bit her lip and the tears spilled over to trail down her cheeks. Her hand was clenched tightly around his because she didn’t want to let him go. Couldn’t let him go. She didn’t know how to answer him either, so she shook her head instead. “I’m really happy for—”
“Don’t.” His firm order was reinforced by a finger over her lips. “Don’t deflect my question. Please.” He leaned in to drop a barely there kiss to her lips that reached in to shatter her collapsing defenses. “Please tell me what you want. What are you afraid of? What do you need? What can I do?” He brushed his lips over hers again, holding it for a moment until her heart burst and her chest ached with everything she was holding back. “I’m here for you. It goes both ways, Liv.”
It goes both ways. She didn’t even try to stop the tears as she scrambled onto his lap and tucked her face into the crook of his neck. She clung to him, taking what he offered in the only way she knew how. He was solid and there and, God, he was her strength once again.
He held her and let her cry until the tears slowed and she hiccupped into his neck. He shivered and she giggled, then they were both laughing, small muffled sounds as they wound themselves together even more. They both calmed eventually, but she was too comfortable and content to move.
She’d stay there forever if she could.
He circled his hands in soothing strokes down her back, and she smiled when he worked one under the hem of her top and ran his fingers just below the small of her back. “I missed these, too,” he whispered.
“What?” she whispered back, the caress settling her more.
“Your back dimples.”
If she’d had the energy to move, she would’ve twisted around to try and see what he was talking about. “I have back dimples?”
“Yup.” His fingers ghosted over the area in question, pausing on each side of her spine. “Here and here.” No one had ever said anything before. “So why the tears?”
She squirmed at the question, but there was no pressure in this tone. “Because you’re here.”
“Is that good or bad?”
She chuckled into his neck. “Good.” She pushed away, wiped at her cheeks and attempted to move off his lap. He wouldn’t let her go though.
“You’re running again,” he said then gently pulled her back in until her head was nestled again on his shoulder. The gentle rubbing returned to her back, and she relaxed against him with a soft sigh.
He didn’t push or try to force her to talk, and she slowly let the acceptance settle through her. He was there for her. Always had been in his quiet way.
“A lot of people ask me what they can do,” she finally said. “If I need help with the center or whatever I’m working on. Most people tell me I do too much or I need to stop or slow down or whatever then take advantage of the very giving they’re admonishing me for. You’ve never done that.”
“Why would I put down the very thing that makes you so special?”
The tears were back and she tried to blink them away, but they still fell. “You get me
,” she whispered. “That’s what makes you special. You might not believe it because of your horrible experience with Beth, but you’re one of the rare people who takes the time to see through the crap people put up to protect themselves.”
He shifted her up, his own eyes shiny now. He used his thumbs to brush away her new tears and cupped her face. “Tell me what you want.”
His persistence had worn her down, or maybe it was the honesty that radiated from him. Either way, she finally let go and told him what she’d kept locked up. This wasn’t for him or about him anymore. Maybe that was what she finally accepted. It was about her and them.
“You,” she croaked, diving into the trust that welled in his eyes. “I want you.”
Chapter Thirty-Five
She kissed him before he could respond, deep and long with all the love she’d been afraid to voice. It poured out of her now with every lick and flick of her tongue over his until she had to pull back for air. Temple to temple, she caught her breath, his warm gusts caressing her cheek with the hint of coffee she’d tasted on him.
“I love you,” she said then leaned back so she could meet his eyes. “I love you,” she repeated, wanting him to see how much she meant it.
His chest rose and fell in deep inhalations, a crooked smile teasing his lips. “Thank you for waiting.”
“I told you I would.”
“True.” His eyes followed her hand when she lifted it to brush at his curl again. She’d miss it if he ever cut his hair short. “But it wasn’t a guarantee.”
“I was prepared to wait longer,” she admitted, although it would’ve hurt more each day.
“I don’t need longer.”
She studied him, taking in the openness in his dark blue eyes, his relaxed expression. “What changed?” After all these weeks, why was he ready now?
He looked down. Closed his eyes. Swallowed. Blew out a breath then finally found her gaze again. “I forgave myself.”
“Oh.” Her lashes fluttered as the tears rushed back. Her response was beyond lame, but what could she say to something so powerful?
His crooked smile flooded her with happiness until she swore her chest was going to burst. “I made mistakes. Missed signs that maybe I should’ve noticed. But I’m not perfect. I accept that now.”
She pressed her lips to his, holding the connection for several long beats. That was when she identified what she’d been noticing in him since last night. It was contentment. For the first time, he seemed at ease with himself.
“I’m happy for you.”
“I’m happy you’re still here.”
“Me, too.” She hesitated to bring up the next thing, but it was the catalyst for their whole separation and would only fester if they didn’t discuss it. “What about the Dungeon stuff?”
He clasped her hands, his expression going serious. “We’ve never talked about what we’ve done.” He briefly squeezed his eyes closed. “That was wrong of me.”
“But we’ve never done anything that extreme.” Nothing she’d consider out of bounds or worthy of a long conversation anyway.
“It hasn’t been pure vanilla either.”
“Thank God for that,” she mumbled and smiled when he did before dropping back to a serious note. “But you were a Dom before. Is that something you want again?” Unease had her leaning away.
After all of the searching, digging and discussions she’d had on the topic, she’d finally understood what others had tried to get her to see. Whatever she did should be natural to her. It shouldn’t require hours of dissection and analysis or repeated questions to validate.
His sigh was deep but not sad. “I’m through with the Dungeon. I don’t think I could ever… I have no desire to do a Scene in one. Never again.”
She dropped her head to his shoulder in a wave of relief. “And I have no desire to ever be strapped to a bench and spanked. Especially in public.” She shivered at the thought of it.
His low chuckle was brief before he urged her to look at him. “I’m still very dominant.” His lip quirked in a wry smile. “If you haven’t noticed.” She snorted and rolled her eyes before he continued. “Both in life and with sex. That’s not going to change.”
A thrill of desire chased down her spine to pool between her legs. “Here’s another thank God for that.” He snickered and slid his hands up her sides to tweak her nipples. “Hey.” She jerked back, and he caught her hands when she went to cover the stinging tips. “That was a surprise attack.” Pretending anger wouldn’t work when she couldn’t hold back her grin.
“I’m sneaky that way.” His wink had her giggling.
A lightness infused her to dispel the stress that had built and built since she’d watched a truck collide with the side of her friends’ car with the sole intent of destroying their lives.
She was so thankful the man’s attempt had failed. They had all survived and grown stronger as a result. It had also brought Noah into her life, something that probably wouldn’t have happened if that one act by a selfish man hadn’t occurred.
She had an urge to spin in circles or lie in bed and laugh for hours or, better, have hot, steamy sex then laugh and cuddle until the snow melted.
“I don’t want a sub,” he said, serious again.
“I don’t want to be one,” she answered, just as serious.
He cleared his throat, the hesitation returning. “But I like it when you’re submissive to me during sex.”
“I like that, too.” She gave him a quick kiss that merged into two then three. “We’ll figure it out as we go, just like everything else, okay?” Then she repeated her words from months ago. “Trust me to tell you when it’s too much or I don’t like something, and I’ll trust you to listen.”
“I’ll always listen. No question.” The fierce sincerity in his tone turned her insides to mush. She had no doubt he would. He always had.
“Then it’s all good.” She took his hand and stood, her smile a permanent fixture on her face. “Why don’t we go test that out? Just to ensure we know how to communicate with each other.” She wiggled her brows then squealed when he yanked her forward with a growl. He burrowed his face into her abdomen until she was laughing uncontrollably.
In a move too quick for her to react to, he tipped her over his shoulder and stood.
“Hey,” she protested around another peal of laughter. “Put me down.” But it was hard to sound stern when she was dangling upside down.
He swatted her bottom, not hard but enough to sting. “I’ll put you down when I find a bed.”
“Down the hall, to your right,” she said. He was already moving that way, but she thought she’d be helpful. In her opinion, he really couldn’t get there fast enough.
He landed another smack to her bottom before she slid off his shoulder to land on the bed with a bounce. She had time for one quick breath before he was climbing over her, a deviousness darkening his eyes. He took her mouth in a kiss that cut through the laughter and went straight to her heart and to the heat that burst to life with his every touch.
She wrapped her arms around him and gave him everything he asked for and then more. She gave herself to him fully and completely as he claimed her heart, her trust and her love.
And in return, she was strong enough to demand the same of him.
*
The kiss wove deeply into Noah to repair the final pieces of his shattered heart. He’d never dared to dream, let alone believe he could have a love like Liv’s. Yet she was here, in his arms and staking her claim on everything he had to give her. He handed it over willingly, without fear or hesitation.
He removed her flannel pajamas with care, each piece sliding from her limbs to reveal the soft skin beneath. He kissed down her neck, over her shoulders, across her torso to her round breasts and beaded nipples. Her sighs drove him; her moans burned him. He took the hardened tips in his mouth to suck and needle each in turn until she writhed beneath him, her fingers wound tightly in his hair.
He’d
missed this. Her. The connection, so damn much. The love swelled to bursting within him and he strode to show her that with every touch.
He moved down to her abdomen and long legs with kisses and licks that tasted of salt and her. He paused to inhale her scent, that musky tang of lust and desire that yanked at his own need and required all his control to bypass. She voiced a complaint that he silenced with a sharp bite to her inner thigh.
His erection was ready to burst in his jeans, the material teasing it with each movement. He stood just long enough to discard his clothes and find a condom in his bag. The heat of her gaze was on him the entire time, flipping him between a desire to move faster and drag it out.
“Did you bring any toys?”
Her throaty question had his cock twitching with the urge to fill her. He made a slow scan of her sprawled on the bed, one leg bent enticingly, arms splayed wide. He rolled the condom on, and her lids grew heavy as she watched.
“I only need you,” he answered, crawling back over her. Toys or cuffs or anything else were for another time. Right now it was just her and him.
She wrapped herself around him in that way that made him feel protected. She locked her ankles behind his hips and ran her hands over his back, drawing him down to her. “You have me,” she whispered against his lips.
He slid into her on a sigh-turned-moan that rumbled in his throat and tore through his chest. She was hot and tight, and damn how he’d missed that, too. “I love you, Liv.” He eased out and slowly sank back in. “I’ll never stop loving you.”
She arched her head back, eyes drifting closed with his movement. “Or this,” she said, her voice full of gravel. “Don’t ever stop doing this.” She lunged up and took his mouth in a kiss that plundered his control and stole his restraint. “I love you, Noah,” she said against his lips before sweeping her tongue over his in an urgent meeting of equal need.
“I was going to go slow,” he grumbled when she pulled away to suck in a gulp of air.
“Next time,” she panted before digging her nails into his flesh, lips hovering just beneath his. “We have all weekend for that.”