“He came to the diner, and then we went for a drive, ended up at my place for the night. He left this morning before I got up but left me his car because he’d promised me a ride to the diner today to get my scooter. He’s supposed to come by tonight too.” I can feel the stretch of my smile, lips spreading ear to ear as the butterflies slam around in my stomach like it’s a heavy metal mosh pit.
“Whoa. One taste and he gave you his car?” Char teases despite her protestations that she’s not going to listen to commentary about sexual things. “Izzy, I didn’t know you had such a world-class cootch!” She laughs at her own outrageousness.
“Charlotte, please have some manners!” Mia admonishes. “We don’t use vulgar terms like that. I prefer to think of it as a perfectly provocative punanny. Much more alliterative.”
“Only if she used her punanny,” Charlotte volleys back. “What if it was literally a booty call?”
“Hmm, good point. We need more data.” They look back to me as they wrap up their comedy routine.
“Enough. You two are crazy. It was not a literal booty call,” I hiss, trying not to laugh because I don’t want to encourage them. I guess I never thought about the weird things we talk about because it was always about Mia or Charlotte, not my nonexistent sex life. But when the spotlight is shining on me, hot and bright, I kind of want to hide like a prudish nun, even though there is nothing puritanical about what I did last night.
Mia slurps from her Coke, her eyes twinkling. “Don’t knock it ’till you’ve tried it.” She sets her drink down, asking carefully, “So you’re seeing him again tonight?”
“Yes, Mama Mia. He’s coming by, and no, I don’t know what the plan is. We’ll take it as it comes, I guess.” It’s a reminder to myself more than anything. No expectations, no strings, just enjoy it while I can.
Mia looks to Char, but she holds her hands up, palms facing us. “Nope, I’m out on this little parental lecture. You don’t want to know what I think.”
I look from one to the other, almost too afraid to ask. “What?”
Mia inhales, still pulling words together as she starts. “Look, when you came in, it wasn’t your swaggered walk that sold out what you’ve been up to. It was the smile on your face. I haven’t seen that kind of smile on your face in forever. Like you’re actually happy, like the world isn’t a giant river of shit you have to slog through.” I interrupt, making a disgusted ‘ew’ face that Char echoes.
Mia ignores us, pointing a blue-tipped nail my way. “You like this guy, a lot. And I love that you are putting yourself out there, and more importantly, putting yourself higher on the priority list. Just be careful, that’s all.”
Unexpectedly, I feel a sting in my eyes at my friend summing up so disgustingly and eloquently what I’m feeling. Happy, for the first time in a long time. “What if he hurts me?”
Char jumps in. “So what if he does? Just because it hurts, doesn’t mean you quit. Hello.” She gestures at herself, and I wonder again what her latest dating disaster was, wishing she’d talk with us about it. “Of the three of us, you’re probably the most well-equipped with handling some painful shit. Lord knows, you’ve been through the wringer. So who cares if this is a short-term thing or he disappears back to Albuquerque or wherever? You’re having fun now. He makes you feel special now. You deserve that. And that’s worth the heartache you might have at the end.”
But the look on her face says that’s not necessarily true. I can see the pinch around her eyes, the hurt it causes her to say these things. “Are you okay, honey? You can tell us, you know. Whatever the bastard did, we’re on your side. Team Charlotte, all the way.”
She smiles, though her eyes shine. “It’s fine. Just got a little blindsided, but it’s a temporary situation. I’m not heartbroken, more just . . . ugh!” She growls instead of labeling whatever it is she’s feeling, and my heart hurts for her.
She shakes herself, flinging off the emotions that have overtaken our lunch and sitting up straight. “Okay, immediate subject change. Mia, you’re up.”
Mia grimaces, not meeting my eyes, and the mood shifts uncomfortably. I see her swallow and know something’s wrong. “What’s up, Mia? Thomas kick you out already? You can stay with me, you know?” It’s meant to be light, because if I know anything, it’s that Thomas Goldstone is one hundred percent head over heels for my girl, Mia.
She smiles, not laughing. “Okay, so I did a thing. A thing you’re going to be mad about, but I swear it was with the best of intentions. Remember that, ’kay?”
My brow furrows. “What did you do?”
I glance to Charlotte, looking for some insight, but she shakes her head. “Nope, all her. But for the record, I agree that she was right. Just putting that out there, up front.”
Mia licks her lips and continues. “So, after we talked before, I told Thomas about how Russell was jerking you around, scaring and threatening you.”
My jaw drops, genuinely hurt. “That was private.” Shame blooms, hot and acidic as it burns its way through my veins.
She nods, rushing onward before I can get too upset. “I know, but listen. So, I told him what was going on and that Russell had been a prick before but had really amped up his bully routine the last few months. So Thomas looked into it.”
I glare at her, feeling betrayed but also wanting to know what Thomas found.
“Remember a few months ago when Russell went radio silent for a little while?” I nod, remembering how wonderful that month had been, but it’d been the calm before the storm, because he’d come back with a vengeance, demanding more than ever. “He was in jail for thirty days, ended up with some major legal fees and interest on some drugs he’d bought on credit. That’s why he went so hardcore. He truly needs the money to make good on his own shit. And he’s using you to do it.”
I’m silent, processing everything she said. It makes sense, but Russell’s reasons don’t change the fact that I still legally owe him. “Crappy story, but that doesn’t change the reality. He’s got the legal right to charge me, and I’m going to pay, no matter how hard I have to work, because one day, I’ll be caught up.” I’m taking Mia’s suggestion to heart, speaking it to the universe and hoping fate will help me make it come true.
She rubs at her cuticle with her thumb, showing her nerves, and I realize there’s more. “What? Just spill it.”
“I paid him,” she mumbles under her breath, and I’m sure I misheard her, but then she repeats herself, a bit louder, a bit stronger. “I paid him. The back balance is paid in full, and I set up an account to release the monthly payments on a schedule so he can’t hassle you anymore.” Her expression is stony, daring me to fight this.
My first reaction is absolute, utter relief. A huge weight off my shoulders, a fear in my belly dissolving, and hope blooming in my heart. Then I realize . . . “I can’t let you do that. I can’t accept that kind of help, Mia. I appreciate it more than you know, but it’s too much.” I shake my head vigorously, like that’ll make it not true.
She shrugs, like what I just said has no weight at all. “You can’t undo it. Thomas helped me set it up so it’s all trackable, no cash payments he can say he never got. Russell already took the back payment, so that’s a wash. You could stop the monthly payments if you want to, but I’m begging you to let it go.”
She reaches across the table, grabbing my hand. “Let me help you this way. I don’t want the money back, but if you feel like you need to call it a loan, then wait ‘till after you graduate and get settled in a job you love. Then worry about it. I can’t sleep another night wondering if that asshole’s gone off the rails and hurt you, because he’s going to, Izzy. He’s losing it, and you’re going to be the collateral damage.”
Char lays her hand on top of mine and Mia’s, the stack of the Three Musketeers ready to tackle the world.
“She’s right, Izzy. I know you don’t want to hear it, but you need some breathing room, and getting Russell off your ass does that.” Her voice is
quiet but fierce, brooking no argument. “You’re a grown ass woman, and you do a great job handling your own shit, but some problems you shouldn’t have to bear on your own, especially when you have awesome friends who are happy to have your back.”
I sulk a bit, wishing it hadn’t come to this. My head shaking, I try not to be pissed at their ganging up on me, even if it’s for a good cause. “I’ve been scratching and clawing for so long, fighting every step of the way. I won’t give up on myself now.” They both try to speak, jaws dropping open, but I cut them off. “This is my problem, and I’m going to take care of it.”
Charlotte shakes her head, muttering, “Stubborn pain in the ass.”
Mia takes the more direct approach, growling, “Your problem, my ass. We may not be blood, but we’re sisters.” She calms by the slightest margin, pleading, “I can’t continue sitting up at night, worrying about you. Do you know that we check in with each other, call The Gravy Train sometimes, all just to make sure nothing has happened to you?”
Charlotte adds to the guilt trip, whispering, “We appreciate that you got a gun, got some training on shooting, but that was before we knew just how desperate Russell is. He’s giving me the creeps, honey, and I have a bad feeling about this whole thing. Do what you need to so that you make peace with Mia’s help, but take the money.”
I look at them both, but they’re dead serious. They mean business. And I guess I’d been so lost in my own struggles that I hadn’t considered that they might be this worried about me. Hell, at this point, Mia might track Russell down herself and get some of her Russian dad’s friends to make a visit. They’re teddy bears, but they definitely don’t look it.
Letting out a huge sigh, my shoulders sag in defeat. At the end of the day, I know they’re doing this because they love me. But my God, they’re killing me with this level of kindness.
“Fine,” I relent. “But I’m paying you back as soon as I can.”
Mia can’t even manage to be gracious about winning what I’m betting she thought was a sure loss. She sticks her tongue out at me before saying, “Sure thing. Your first payment is due the next night off you get, two complete hours jamming in a dungeon.”
If anyone else said that to me, I’d probably punch them, but Mia’s hardcore gaming addiction means there’s at least part of her that’s always yearning for hours spent in front of a screen with a controller in her hands. It’s not my favorite pastime, but Mia is my bestie, so I’ve played more than my fair share of her favorite game, TERA.
“Deal, but I am paying you back for real.”
Maybe they don’t understand, but I have to do this. I can’t just take the money. Crossing that line once makes it easier to do it again and again. Before you know it, you’re saddled with so many emotional weights on your soul, you just give up.
I can’t give up.
I won’t give up.
“I gotta go, guys,” I say, standing up. “But we’re good. And really, thank you. I mean it, I really appreciate it.”
Mia and Charlotte stand up too, wrapping me in a hug. I stand still for a moment, and then I give in and hug them back. Tears burn my eyes, and I choke out, “Thanks, guys.”
“We love you, you know that, right?” Mia says, holding me at arm’s length and obviously concerned she’s pushed me too far but willing to do it anyway for my own good.
I nod, knowing she’s also right. I might not have any blood family . . . but I’ve still got two sisters. “I know. I love you too.”
Getting in the fancy SUV, knowing that this huge axe hanging over my head is gone, feels foreign, like this life isn’t my own. But it is. With good friends and a nice guy, maybe I’m finally turning a corner and going to make some progress.
Maybe, after taking part-time classes for so long that I have teacher’s aides younger than me, I can finally graduate. Then I will repay Mia.
“Think of it like a . . . private student loan,” I tell myself, and though it’s a piss-poor balm on my soul, it does help a little bit as I drive home to get ready for work.
I head inside, making sure to lock Gabe’s Range Rover. Vash greets me with yowls for food, as always, and I pour her a bit, relieved to know I might be able to afford her next bag more easily.
The knock on the door makes my heart jolt, hope that Gabe stopped by instantly springing to mind. I rush to the door while trying to not get tangled up with Vash, who insists on winding herself around my legs.
“Vash! You trying to kill me, girl?” I ask, taking a huge step to avoid her tail. I’m still looking down at her loud meow as I open the door. “Hey, Ga—”
“What the fuck is going on? You got some bigshot sugar daddy now?” Russell barks, a distasteful sneer on his face.
“Fuck you, Rusty,” I growl, moving to slam the door. But he shoves a dirty, cheap workboot-covered foot in the way, blocking me from shutting the door.
“We’re not done,” he says, an evil grin splitting his ugly face as he slams his palm to the door.
In a twisted way, I’m just thankful he didn’t slap me that hard. That’s what I’ve been reduced to, grateful to not be attacked. I wish I had my gun, even though I fought against getting it in the first place. Right now, I wish it was in my hand because I truly fear that Russell is going to push his way into my house. And then it’ll just be the two of us.
And I realize that I’m in bigger trouble than I’d ever imagined.
Chapter 15
Gabriel
“Jeremy!”
I run around the corner, where chaos reigns supreme. Out of the corner of my eye, I see a black car peeling out of the parking lot, but I’m focused on Jeremy, who’s lying on his side.
People are screaming, some running, others frozen in place as they pale in terror.
And somehow, there’s a group gathered around him . . . doing nothing. My brother’s lying on the ground, and they’re not even helping him up.
“Out of the fucking way!” I roar, shoving people aside. Someone grabs my arm, and before I know it, I turn and punch them just so I can break free. It’s the next day before someone tells me it was Tiffany Washington whose nose I broke.
Jeremy’s bleeding all over the blacktop. There’s so much blood that I’m not sure how my little brother held so much inside him. I gather him into my lap, letting his head rest on my leg as I look down at him. “Jeremy . . . don’t you fucking die on me!”
“It doesn’t hurt, Bro,” he whispers, blood trickling out of the corner of his mouth. “But—”
“No,” I beg, pressing my hand over the hole in his stomach to stop him from leaking all over the place. But the pool of blood under him keeps getting bigger, and it’s bubbling up around my fingers. “Jeremy—”
“I love you, Ga—” he says, but before he can complete my name, his body breaks into convulsions. I hold him close, praying it stops, but when he stiffens and a blood-stained breath hits my face, I know.
“Jeremy . . . I promise I’ll find who did this.”
I wake up in the afternoon dimness, the sun coming through the curtains in sanguine ripples, the dream that haunts my sleep coating my face in sweat. I wipe it away, reminded of how I had to clean Jeremy’s blood off my body. He’d soaked everything, and later I found out that both bullets had gone all the way through, one of them clipping his spinal cord, which is why he didn’t feel any pain.
Small comfort.
I shudder, sitting up in the cheap motel bed and burying my face in my hands, letting the pain wash over me for as long as it needs to. It’s the only way I can face the rest of the day clear-headed.
I remember everything.
I remember watching the ambulance show up, the way they made a big show of trying to help Jeremy at first until they knew it was just that. I remember the look the two paramedics exchanged when they thought I wasn’t looking.
I remember the funeral, the way everyone stared at me, the way my parents both seemed to have the light in their eyes just wink out as Jeremy’s coff
in was lowered into the ground.
I remember everything.
Since that moment, my brother’s head cradled in my lap, his last breaths ghosting over my cheek as I pleaded with the Grim Reaper to take me instead, I have never let anyone or anything get in the way of my single-minded pursuit of Jeremy’s killer.
I couldn’t find out who’d done the shooting the ‘proper’ way, though I’d tried. The local police proved unable to find the culprit, and the local DA quietly dropped the matter since he was running for re-election and didn’t want newspaper headlines about an unsolved murder of a dead teenager messing up his campaign.
So after a while, I turned my back on my friends, my family, my life, and immersed myself in the dark, dirty world that had spawned Jeremy’s death.
Along the way, I’ve gotten plenty of dirt and blood on my soul. It started small, little steps that I thought would get me closer to some kind of answers. But along the way, I got lost. Even with my ethics, my own moral code and rules, the list of my sins is long. More than once, I’ve wondered if I’ve become just as evil as the monster I’ve been searching for.
But I hadn’t questioned my life until her. I’d taken this job thinking it was going to be one like so many others, except I would finally get what I’d been searching for . . . the truth. Or at least some real intel that would send me in the right direction.
I wasn’t expecting my princess, or this warm buzz in my chest every time I think of her. I pray the feelings I have for Bella aren’t just my guilt catching up to me, latching on to an opportunity to feel ‘clean’ again. Whether she does that to me or not, and she does, she deserves better than to be used just so I don’t feel so bad.
I climb out of bed and head to the shower. The hot water pulses on my neck and shoulders, cascading through my hair as I wash, trying to think.
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