by Barbara Gee
I had no idea where I was going. I made random turns down random hallways, and when I saw a sign for a courtyard, I ran that direction, gratefully pushing through the doors out into a landscaped area with flagstone paths winding through it. I charged down the first path I came to, running until I found a quiet area with a bench under a huge shade tree.
Finally. I collapsed onto the bench, pressing a hand to my chest. Closing my eyes, I forced myself to take deep, even breaths. Ever so gradually, the terror of the last few hours started to fade, and my heart slowed its frantic pounding.
Jude was fine. He was perfectly fine. He’d stood right there in front of me, as strong and vital as ever. He obviously hadn’t been the one in the helicopter, and while I was sorry for whoever it was, I could in no way pretend I wasn’t profoundly grateful to know it was not Jude Keller.
Thank you, Lord. Thank you from the bottom of my heart.
I kept my eyes closed, another wave of relief coursing through me. It didn’t matter if Jude never spoke to me again. The important thing was that he was alive and well, and I was so very glad. The world was a better place with him in it, and that was a fact.
I drew my legs up and dropped my forehead to my knees, inhaling a long, cleansing breath and slowly letting it out. Now that I knew Jude was okay, I could go back home and not bother anyone. I’d take a little more time to get myself pulled together, then I’d leave.
After a few minutes, I felt calm enough to make a normal exit from the hospital—as opposed to careening through the halls knocking into people. I dropped my legs and started to get up, then froze when my gaze fell on Jude seated on the bench directly across from me, watching me with an unreadable expression.
I was awfully glad I hadn’t made it to my feet, because I would have most likely collapsed all over again. I wished I could appear as unaffected as he looked right now, but I couldn’t. My eyes roamed his face and body as I eagerly drank him in, in all his unharmed glory.
He was as beautiful to me as ever, and I loved him so much. Giving him up was going to be a long and painful process, but I would never, ever regret my short but amazing time with Jude Keller.
I thought I saw a flicker of emotion in his eyes when my gaze finally landed back there, but his mouth remained straight and firm. No hint of a smile.
“Why are you here, Ava?”
It was the second time he’d asked me that. My mouth was dry and I wished I already had the bottle of water I’d planned on buying for the way home.
“I thought—I heard some men talking at the restaurant after lunch. They said it was you in the helicopter.”
His brows drew together as I stumbled on. “They said it was the Keller who worked for Owens Construction, so I thought it was you. I tried to call Hannah and Chase, but they didn’t answer, and I just couldn’t wait anymore. I had to know how you were.” I pushed back my hair with trembling fingers. “I’m so glad they were wrong, Jude. I’ve never been so glad.”
“They weren’t wrong.”
I frowned at him, confused. “But you’re fine—”
“It was my brother. Jed. He works for Owens too.”
My mind started feeling all jumbled again. “But…..he’s in Central America building bridges. You told me that.”
“He got back last week.” His blue eyes glittered coolly. “For some reason—one that only you know—I haven’t had a chance to tell you that.”
“I’m so sorry,” I said, devastated all over again by both his sharp words and the knowledge that it was his brother who was hurt. “Is he going to be okay?”
“We don’t know yet. He’s still unconscious. They’re running a bunch of tests.” He leaned forward, elbows on his knees, his eyes drilling into me. “I still can’t figure out why you’re here.” I started to speak again but he held up a hand. “I know—you thought it was me. But I’m still surprised you came. You’ve ignored me for two weeks. I thought that was a pretty good indication you’d moved past it. Past us.”
He fell silent, giving me a chance to respond. I kept quiet. I didn’t want to launch into an explanation here in the hospital courtyard.
After a moment, he went on. “I’ve been gearing myself up to hear you tell me it’s over. That’s what I expected to hear this afternoon. But I’m pretty sure the emotion I saw just now is real.” The acknowledgement didn’t soften his expression. “Which begs the question—if you still care, why have you been blowing me off?”
“Of course I still care,” I blurted out, feeling a little angry myself. Did he really think I could turn my feelings off so quickly? But then again, why would he think anything different? He knew nothing about what I’d been struggling with. All he knew is that I’d avoided him for two long weeks.
I huffed out a breath, wishing he hadn’t followed me out here. “It’s complicated, Jude. I don’t think this is a good time to get into it.”
He barked out a laugh, his expression openly bitter now. “Sure it is. I’ve got nothing to do but wait for test results. They won’t let me anywhere near Jed, so I might as well pass the time listening to you make excuses.”
His words cut deep, but I knew he was caught up in the moment. He was worried sick about his brother, and my showing up unexpectedly had opened another wound as well. He needed an outlet, and if that meant taking it out on me, I was okay with that. I deserved it.
But I wasn’t going to get into the Myla situation. Not here. Not now.
“Jude—” My attempt to soothe him was interrupted when I saw Chase hurrying down the path toward us.
“Jude, come on, man. JP woke up. The doctors want to talk to the family.”
Both men rushed off without another word and I sat there stunned, trying to comprehend what had just happened. What I’d just heard.
Chase’s words pounded like a sledge in my head, over and over.
JP woke up.
JP woke up.
JP woke up.
I mashed the heels of my hands into my eyes and groaned, the sound raw and painful, ending in a sob as it roiled up from the depths of my weary, ravaged heart.
I was an idiot. A foolish, cowardly idiot, and I was suddenly able to see everything with complete clarity. All my mistakes. My poor judgment. I’d jumped to conclusions due to my belief that things with Jude had gone too well, too quickly. I’d fallen in love so hard and so fast, and deep down I’d feared it was only a matter of time before the other shoe dropped. And then it had. At least, I thought so.
I didn’t like this new clarity. I didn’t like acknowledging the fact that the last two agonizing weeks could have been completely avoided, if only I’d had the courage to ask one simple question. Hey, Jude, did you ever date Myla Garrett?
No, but my brother did.
I hung my head and closed my eyes, pressing a hand against the pain in my chest.
Oh yeah. I was most definitely an idiot.
And I’d ruined everything.
Chapter 20
When I got home from the hospital, I curled up in my favorite chair and made myself face some hard truths.
I couldn’t possibly have handled things any worse or been any more selfish. It made me sick to my stomach to admit I’d been so caught up in my own despair that I hadn’t fully considered what I was doing to Jude.
Not until I’d looked into his eyes at the hospital and for the first time found ice instead of warmth.
The memory brought on a whole new wave of despair. I hated that he was angry, but I understood. I’d left him hanging for two weeks, with no explanation whatsoever. If the situation was reversed, I would’ve been a basket case. I’d have wondered what I did wrong, why he’d abruptly lost interest and cut me off without even telling me why. And, like him, I would’ve assumed we were over.
I curled up tighter in the chair and mentally kicked myself for being so, so stupid. All of this could have been avoided if only I’d asked Jude right away if he was Myla’s JP. I hadn’t done it because I thought I knew the answer. I didn’t wa
nt to hear him confirm it and thus and force me to break it off. I didn’t want to have to choose Myla over him.
Which circled right back to me feeling like a total fool. I’d treated a good man badly, and I wouldn’t blame him if he never wanted to speak to me again. And now, on top of my perceived rejection, he also had to deal with a severely injured brother.
My heart hurt for him. But he didn’t want my comfort.
I tried to remember everything he’d told me about the brother he’d always referred to as Jed, not JP. I knew Jed had worked at Owens Construction for a long time, but he’d taken a leave of absence a year and a half ago. Jude had told me his brother was going through some personal issues and needed to get away from it all.
Jed had decided to use his civil engineer training to do some good in the world while he got over whatever was eating at him. He’d joined a mission team who designed and built bridges over ravines in remote, flood-prone areas of Central America. Jude had shown me pictures of some of the finished bridges, proud of the difference his brother was making in the lives of the people in those regions.
Jude hadn’t said a word to me about Jed planning to come home, but maybe it had happened quickly and Jude hadn’t even known about it two weeks ago.
As the sky darkened outside, I sat up and rubbed my eyes, which seemed to be perpetually swollen from my crying bouts. I hated to think of Jude sitting in the hospital, worrying along with his family as they waited to find out more about Jed’s condition. I wondered what the doctors had told them after Jude had hurried out of the courtyard. Surely it was a good sign that Jed had woken up.
I turned on the TV, hoping for an update on the evening news. I’d been watching for ten minutes when I heard a knock on the back door.
Jude!
I flew out of my chair and ran to the kitchen, swinging the door wide without even looking out the window.
I deflated when I saw Hannah standing there, arms folded, looking ticked off.
“Hey, Ava. Mind if I come in for a bit?” she asked.
I stood aside. “Not at all.” I had a feeling I was going to get an earful, but that was okay. I’d all but asked for it.
“Chase tells me you showed up at the hospital,” she said as I closed the door.
“Yeah.” I pulled out a chair at the table and sat, motioning for her to do the same. “How’s Jed doing? Jude got called away before I could ask, and there hasn’t been anything on the news.”
She rattled off his injuries. “He has a severe concussion, three cracked ribs, a fractured pelvis, and his left leg is broken in two places. He’s going to be laid up for a while, obviously, but the doctors say he’ll make a full recovery.”
I released a shaky breath, relieved for Jude and his family. “I’m so glad.”
“We’re all really thankful, although I pity whoever has to try to keep JP from overdoing it.” Her lips quirked into a small smile, but it faded quickly. “I guess I’m just wondering why you went to the hospital. I mean, it has to be because of Jude, but I figured you were over the thing with him, otherwise why would you let him twist in the wind for weeks? Even after I told you how much you were hurting him, you still ignored him.”
Her brown eyes drilled into mine and she went on. “I didn’t see that coming, Ava. I honestly thought you were the perfect girl for him, and I’ve never, ever thought that about any of the girls he’s dated.”
I tried to swallow around the lump in my throat but I couldn’t. I had to get a glass of water before I could speak. I got a glass for Hannah too, but she didn’t touch it.
“I want to explain, Hannah. And by explain, I don’t mean make excuses. I handled everything badly, I realize that.” I took another sip of water, trying to hold back the tears that were all too close yet again. “I have to tell Jude first, though—or at least try. He might not even want to hear it, and I can’t blame him if that’s the case. But either way, after I talk to him, I’ll tell you everything. I promise.”
She leaned forward, her eyes searching mine, more curious than hostile now. “Do you still care about him, Ava? At least tell me that.”
I nodded, wiping at a tear that got through my defenses. “In spite of how it seems, I never stopped caring. The weeks with Jude showed me what it feels like to find a person you can see forever with.” I bowed my head, aching with remorse. “I messed it up, but that doesn’t make what I feel for him any less real. It just makes me an idiot.”
“I knew it,” Hannah said, her tone less accusing. “I’ve been telling Chase all along that you’re in love with Jude, but he said there’s no way. He said you don’t hurt people you love the way you hurt Jude. But of course he’s super angry about seeing his best friend suffering, so he’s not exactly giving you the benefit of the doubt.”
I let out a humorless laugh, the irony so glaring I wished I could share it with Hannah. I knew all about suffering best friends. In fact, if there was any silver lining to this, it was that I wouldn’t have to tell Myla I was in love with her ex.
I cleared my throat. “Yeah. I get that. I definitely get that.”
Hannah waited, as if she sensed there was more to that statement, but she didn’t push it when I remained silent.
“Okay, well, I guess I’ve said what I came to say.” She stood and gave me an apologetic look. “It’s hard to stay mad at you when I can see this has been as hard on you as it’s been on Jude. But seriously, Ava, if you love him, and I really believe you do, talk to him. Even if he says he doesn’t want to hear it, you need to find a way. He won’t be able to move on until he gets an explanation.”
“I don’t want him to move on,” I blurted out, swiping at another tear. “I don’t want him to move past me.”
Hannah looked surprised by my declaration and a little uncertain as to what she should say.
I shook my head. “But I’m prepared for it,” I went on, “and yes, I promise I’ll talk to him, one way or another. I owe that to him, no matter how hard it is.”
“And will you be patient while he works through whatever it is you have to tell him?” she asked. “Because I know him well enough to know it might take some time. His guard is way up at this point. He’ll probably push you away, but maybe in time he’ll reconsider.” Her expression was sympathetic. “Love can hurt like the dickens, but it can be pretty great, too. Maybe he’ll remember how happy he was with you and give it another chance.”
Or maybe he’d realize he’d had a narrow escape from a girl who wasn’t the person he thought she was.
“Being patient is the least I can do,” I told her sadly, “but I’m not going to get my hopes up. I don’t think he’ll see things my way. Even I’m questioning why I handled things the way I did, but I can’t change it now. All I can do is own up to it.”
“I’ll be praying for you both,” Hannah said earnestly. “Thanks for letting me come in, and I’m sorry I was so harsh. It’s just that I love Jude like a brother, and family is everything, you know?”
I nodded. “I understand. Will you let me know how JP is doing? Just a quick text now and then?”
She promised she would, then let herself out.
I sat at the table for a long time, staring at nothing, wishing for a do-over. Wishing I hadn’t let a man like Jude Keller slip through my fingers.
Chapter 21
Just as I’d figured, having the tables turned was pretty darn miserable. Now I was the one left hanging. I was the one hoping for a knock on my back door. The one jumping every time a text came in, even though it wasn’t Jude’s text tone and I knew it wasn’t from him. I was the one checking my phone for messages I knew weren’t there.
I wasn’t angry at Jude for not making time for me. I knew he had other things he had to focus on right now. But not knowing when I’d get a chance to see him, or if I’d get a chance, was killing me. I didn’t know if he was just waiting for things to settle down with JP before he rescheduled the meet-up we’d planned the day of the accident, or if he wasn’t interested i
n talking to me at all anymore.
If it was the latter, I wasn’t sure what I’d do. I desperately wanted to let Jude know why I’d backed off and to apologize for my very poor judgment. He deserved to know it wasn’t anything he’d done or not done. Hard as it would be, I needed to confess my unfortunate ability to jump to a conclusion and stick with it for two weeks instead of talking it out like a big girl.
Even if he did give me a chance to explain, I didn’t expect a storybook ending. I didn’t have any illusions about him immediately forgiving me and wanting to get back together. It was far more likely he’d listen, then tell me he couldn’t get past the way I’d treated him.
Thanks for explaining everything, but I think it’s best if we just go our separate ways. Goodbye, Ava. Best of luck to you.
That’s what I had to be prepared for. Nevertheless, I really, really, really wanted one last chance to talk to him. I owed him that.
How was I going to get that chance? Well, that was the big question, and it was tearing me up.
One day passed. Two days. Three, four. I heard nothing from Jude, but I got daily texts from Hannah giving me updates on JP. He was still in the hospital but doing a little better each day. I was grateful for the news, but I couldn’t help wishing she’d also give me some hint about how Jude was doing. She never once mentioned him though, and I was pretty sure it was because she wanted us to work through things on our own, without any interference on her part.
By Friday, I was almost to the point where I was ready to go hang out on the Owens’ front porch until Jude came home from work so he would have to talk to me. Or at least listen. I couldn’t force him to participate in a discussion, but I was pretty sure he would be too polite to give me the brush-off if I was standing right in front of him baring my soul.
It was four o’clock when Hannah sent me a text with the good news that JP was going to be released from the hospital in a couple of hours. I closed my eyes and thanked God for the healing that was taking place in his body before I responded.