But it didn’t get better. In fact, for Haley, it got worse. It became a chore for her. He was gentle, never rough. She couldn’t complain that he hurt her in any way or showed her disrespect or a lack of consideration. Simon went through all the motions of being the perfect fiancé. So what is it? Why am I never excited to make love with him? There must be something wrong with me. He is not bad looking; he’s very ambitious with a good future. I just don’t feel any magic when he kisses me. Haley had serious thoughts about breaking the engagement but her parents liked Simon so much that she couldn’t bring herself to do that to them. She always wanted to please them and they seemed so proud and happy about her choice of men that she had to go through with the wedding.
Planning the wedding with her mother at her side had been glorious fun! Even if her mother-in-law was a pain in the neck, demanding that they change the color of the bridesmaids’ dresses from blue-gray to mauve. The mother-in-law ordered Haley and Simon to use her favorite song as “their” song. Eidel was irritated. “This is your special day,” she said. “I should give that woman a piece of my mind. We’re paying for this wedding, not her.”
“I don’t mind, Mommy. It’s all right. I want to get along with Mrs. Meier. Let her change the color. I think the mauve is even prettier than the blue. And I like the song she chose much better than the one I originally picked.”
“Do you?”
“I do. And you will look spectacular in a darker rose color, Mom. It will give you a lovely glow.”
“Oh, Haley, you have always been my little peacemaker.”
“I just want everyone to be happy. It’s our wedding day; it should be a happy day for both families.”
“I have to agree with you. So let her have her way. Who cares, right?” Eidel said.
“Right.” Haley kissed her mother’s cheek.
Haley and Eidel spent days looking for the right venue for the reception. Eidel said she wished she had Helen’s dress to give Haley, but she’d left Poland in such a hurry that she hadn’t been able to bring it. This was not true. Eidel had the dress. It was hidden in the back of her closet, yellowed and worn. Eidel knew that Haley loved to shop and even though she would never admit it, Haley wanted the opportunity to buy a new dress. Together, Eidel and Haley went from gown shop to gown shop trying on dresses. Then, on the way home, they saw a small storefront. On the window, it said: Seamstress.
“Let’s stop, Mom,” Haley said.
They walked in and the woman at the sewing machine got up from her chair. “Can I help you?”
“I am looking for a wedding gown,” Haley said.
“Come, I have something I think you will love,” the seamstress said. Haley tried the dress on. When she walked out of the dressing room, the sight of her in that gown brought tears to her mother’s eyes.
“This is the one,” Eidel said.
Haley nodded. She liked the dress, but it wasn’t anything special in her opinion. However, the look on her mother’s face when she saw Haley wearing it was enough for Haley to choose the gown.
They went to several florists until they found one who had a picture in his book of a chuppah, a canopy, he designed that was covered in roses and white orchids.
“I love this chuppah, Haley. Do you like it?” Eidel asked.
“It’s beautiful,” Haley said. It was a little elaborate for Haley’s taste. She would have preferred something simpler but she knew that her mother never had an opportunity to design a chuppah like this for her own wedding and she wanted to see Eidel smile.
“This is what we want,” Eidel told the florist.
“Would you like the bouquets, the boutonnieres, and the table centerpieces all to be made of white roses and orchids so everything matches?”
“Yes, that would be lovely,” Eidel said.
Haley turned to her mother and whispered, “I think this is going to be very expensive. Can we afford it? I wouldn’t mind having a single white rose on every table. We don’t need big centerpieces.”
“Nonsense. Daddy and I work hard for our money. For years, we’ve saved for this day. Daddy wants you to have the best of everything. After all, you are our youngest. Our baby girl is getting married. This is an important day for not just you, my sweet Haley, but for all of us.”
And so, on the day of the wedding, everything was perfect—the white aisle runner, the beautiful chuppah, and the soft lighting in the synagogue. Even at his age, Dovid looked handsome in his black tuxedo as he walked his daughter down the aisle. Eidel was elegant and gracious in the rose-colored conservative dress she wore, even though she’d gained some weight. Simon was waiting for Haley at the chuppah. He smiled at her and Haley thought, Maybe I am crazy to be worried that there is no magic. Maybe after we are married and settled everything will be just fine between us. Look at him standing there. He is everything any girl could want. Haley smiled back at her future husband from under her veil. She wondered if he could even see her smile or not.
Then the rabbi began the ceremony.
And so it was that Haley walked into Temple Beth Israel that afternoon as Haley Levi and left that evening as Haley Meier, her life forever changed.
CHAPTER SIX
Mark hugged his sister and handed her an envelope, his wedding gift to her and her new husband. Mark shook Simon’s hand.
“I’m so glad you came, Mark,” Haley said.
“Of course, I came. I wouldn’t miss it for the world.”
“Haley tells me you’re a playwright and your play is being performed this weekend but you came anyway,” Simon said. “On Broadway?”
“No, off-Broadway, I’m afraid. But yes, it’s the second week of production.”
“Oh,” Simon said. “Off-Broadway?”
Mark thought he heard a patronizing tone in Simon’s voice. Then Simon added “Well, off-Broadway this year. Next year, who knows, right? Still, it was certainly nice of you to leave your work and come to our wedding.”
“I’m happy to be here,” Mark said. Eidel saw Mark from across the room and came over and hugged him.
“You look good, Mark. A little skinny, but good.”
“Thanks, Mom. You look wonderful.”
“Do I, Mark? I’m getting so old and so fat.”
“Don’t be silly. You’re not old. You’re lovely.”
“Mark,” Dovid rushed over and shook his son’s hand then pulled him into an embrace. “We haven’t seen you in two years. Somebody has to die or get married for you to come home. Is that how it is?” Dovid laughed jokingly. “I know, I know . . . you’re busy. Right? Right. So, listen, I’m just happy to see you.”
“Good to see you too, Dad.”
“How’s life in New York?”
“It’s fine. Expensive, but good.”
“So I hear. I’ve never been to Manhattan. I’ll have to come and visit you.”
God forbid, Mark thought. All my father would have to do is take one look at John and he would know everything. John was a classically-trained dancer. Right now, he was part of a chorus line in a Broadway show. But Mark was sure that when Dovi looked at John’s lithe body and graceful moments, he would know that John was gay. And being that John and Mark lived together . . .
“Don’t look so pale. I’m not running to New York anytime soon. I’m sure you don’t want me to see that you are living a wild life. Lots of shana madels, maybe you’re a little bit of a playboy, huh? A different girl every night? It’s all right; I understand everything. I was a single man once.”
“Yeah, plenty of pretty girls, all of them want to sleep with me. Come on, Dad. It’s not like that. I’m just very busy with work.”
“You won’t be tempted to leave it all behind until you meet your bashert. But, once you meet the girl for you, you won’t want any others. You’ll see.”
“I’m sure you’re right, Dad. I’m just not looking for that at this time in my life.”
“Well, you might want to start thinking about settling down. You are getting older
. You’re twenty-eight and you’re my only son. Now, I know I didn’t start a family until I was much older than you. But for my sake, maybe you’ll start to think about it? I know it’s selfish of me. But I am an old man and old men are entitled to be a little bit selfish, right?”
Mark didn’t answer.
“Anyway,” Dovid continued. “I would like to live to see the birth of my grandson. A boy who will carry on the Levi name, the name of my father and his father before him. And maybe even God will bless me with a few years to enjoy the child before I die.”
“For God’s sake, Dad. You would think you were going to be a hundred. You’re only sixty-two. When did you get so dramatic?”
“I guess it’s the wedding, Mark. Haley will be leaving. Your mother and I will be empty-nesters now.”
“We will all come and see you,” Mark said. He was uncomfortable with this conversation and hoped his father wouldn’t ask him if he’d talked with Abby.
“Not at all,” Dovid said. “My Abbala. I wish she would call or come.”
“I know you want to know if I’ve talked to Abby. The answer is no.”
“So how long can you stay in Chicago?”
“Not long. I’m leaving tomorrow after the brunch.”
“Did you drop your things off at the house?”
“No, Dad, I’m staying at the Hilton.”
“Why, Mark? Your room is waiting for you. It’s just as you left it.”
“There was so much going on with everyone getting ready for the wedding I didn’t want to get in the way.”
“I sure wish you had a couple of days to spend here in Illinois. I’d love to catch up.”
“I know, Dad. So do I, but I really have to get back to work.”
CHAPTER SEVEN
After dinner, the band played and the newlyweds danced. Dovid found his way over to Mark again. He put his arm around his son. Why can’t I find a way to get closer to my own son? No matter what I say or do, Mark treats me like a stranger.
“Did you meet Haley’s bridesmaid Susan Bloom?”
“I did,” Mark said.
“She’s pretty, no?”
“Yes, very.”
“She has a good job too. Haley says she works as a secretary for a big law firm.”
Mark nodded.
“Did you, maybe, ask her to dance?”
“Dad, why are you pushing me?” Mark thought about the promise he’d made to John. His father was getting on his nerves and he was exploding inside from carrying the lie for so long. He wished he could leave and get on a plane tonight. But maybe John was right. Maybe it was time his parents knew the truth so that they would stop trying to make him into someone he would never be.
“Pushing you? Who’s pushing you? I only want you to ask a pretty girl to dance with you. What’s wrong with that?”
“Dad . . . ” He hesitated. The band was playing a soft love song. Mark felt like he was watching the dancers on the floor sway in slow motion. Then the words spilled from his lips like milk from a glass that had slipped from a child’s hand. “I’m gay.”
“Gay? What’s gay? When I was learning the English language gay meant happy. That’s not what you mean. You mean you are a homosexual gay?” Dovid’s face was the color of ripe beets. He was wearing a tuxedo and a bow tie and the tie was tight around his neck. The room was hot. Sweat beaded on his bow. My only son. Such a Shanda; such an embarrassment. How can I ever tell the rabbi? My friends? I am not a hard man. I love my children and I could have put up with plenty of things. I have put up with plenty from Abby. But, Mark. Oy, Mark. Even if he would have come to me and told me he wanted to marry a shiksa I would have said okay. I would have accepted it. But this! OY this! This means there will be no grandchildren from him. There will be no little boy to carry on the Levi name.
Mark felt his stomach churn as he heard the sound of anger and disbelief in his father’s voice. He’d come this far. It was too late to turn back. Just nod your head, he thought. Mark nodded
“Does that mean yes? You don’t like girls, Mark?”
“Yes.” Mark looked down at the floor. He felt so much embarrassment, as if he’d disgraced and disappointed his father beyond repair.
Dovid shook his head. “You have had boyfriends?” Dovid asked still refusing to believe what Mark was telling him.
God, why does he keep questioning me? Stop already, Dad. You know the answer.
“So . . . tell me, Mark.”
“Yes, Dad.”
“You did things with other men? Shameful things?”
“Dad. Stop. I have a boyfriend. We are serious. There is nothing shameful about it.”
For a minute, Dovid stood motionless. The band finished the song and began another. Dovid glared into Mark’s eyes. “You have hurt and disappointed me and brought shame to your family,” Dovid said. Then Dovid reached up and tore the lapel of his jacket. “You are dead to me now. I am in mourning for my only son.”
Eidel came over to Dovid. “You’re not going to ask your wife to dance at your daughter’s wedding?” she said. Then she noticed the torn lapel. “What happened?”
Dovid shook his head.
“I’m leaving,” Mark said. “I’ll catch a flight out tonight. Give Haley my love, Mom. Tell her I wish her the most wonderful future.”
“Mark, don’t go. I thought you told me on the phone that you would be staying until after the brunch tomorrow. What happened here?”
Dovid walked away, leaving them both standing there. He went outside where he could be alone. It was a lovely night, the first of June. Haley wanted to be a June bride. The moon was round and full like a silver dollar and the sky was sprinkled with an array of stars.
God, why? Why my only son? Dovid was shaking with rage. He threw his hands up to the sky as if he wanted God to answer him as God had spoken to Moses. I always knew Mark was different, but I thought he would grow out of it. Now this. There will be no more Levis. There will be no grandson. No little boy to carry a name for my Papa. Mark. Mark has sinned against God. And I am angry. I am furious. It is as if I never had a son.
CHAPTER EIGHT
Mark boarded the plane at O’Hare International Airport. He sat in a window seat and hoped no one would sit next to him. The last thing he needed that afternoon was a seatmate who wanted to make casual conversation. He’d been awake most of the night, his head spinning with thoughts and memories but also with guilt. Terrible guilt. He was a misfit who had failed his father. He had come all the way from New York just to ruin his sister’s wedding. If it had not been three hundred dollars to change his flight, he would have headed home last night. Instead, he waited in the hotel room alone with his thoughts until it was time to catch his flight.
A woman in her mid-twenties with a young child sat beside him.
“Hi,” she said.
Oh God, not a kid. Not today. Not the way I’m feeling, he thought, trying to muster at least a semi-friendly smile so the woman wouldn’t think he was a total jerk.
The plane taxied the runway and glided into the air. The takeoff must have hurt the child’s ears because the little one let out a piercing scream that unnerved Mark. He wanted to ask the stewardess to change his seat. He glanced at the woman and the red-faced screaming kid. “I am so sorry, but I need to get out. I have to go to the restroom,” he lied.
For as bad as he was feeling, Mark still looked dapper in his cotton shirt and tailored slacks.
“Excuse me,” he said to a young pretty girl in a stewardess uniform. “Is it possible to change seats? I don’t mean to be a bother, but I’m not feeling well. I have a bit of a headache and . . . well . . . you know how noisy young children can be.” He gave her his most flirtatious smile and she melted.
“Of course. Wait right here. Let me see what seats I have open.”
She found him a window seat where he was alone in the row.
“Thank you so much. As I said, I hate to complain . . . ”
“It’s no problem, really. My na
me is Shirley,” she said. “I’m going to be in New York for the next two nights . . . ”
He smiled and sat down. Now he would have to find a way to avoid Shirley’s advances. This sort of thing happened all the time.
“Here, take my number,” Shirley said. “Maybe we can have dinner?” She took out a pen and wrote her number down on a drink napkin she had in her pocket. Then she asked him “What would you like for dinner? We have chicken or roast beef this afternoon.”
CHAPTER NINE
Mark was seething as he sat in the back of the taxi on his way to his apartment from the airport. He was angry with his father for being a small-minded immigrant and he was angry with John for not understanding. The relationship between Mark and his father had never been a good one. He’d always been reluctant to share his real feelings about anything with his father. But now, the cat was out of the bag. There was no way back, Dovid knew the truth. And he’d torn his shirt in his old Jewish way to show Mark that he had disappointed him beyond repair. His father would never want to see him again. The shame was unbearable. The cab smelled of cigarette smoke mixed with some sort of cheap cologne that had a cloying, nauseating odor. It was hot and the cabbie was blasting the air conditioning, but Mark cracked the window. If it weren’t for Haley, I would have done what Abby did. Just not show up at all. I am sick to death of my backward, immigrant parent; my neurotic mother and overbearing father. But it would have ruined Haley’s wedding day if both her brother and sister didn’t attend. Abby can get away with things like this. She’s always been rebellious and everyone expects it. But not me. I have always tried to please, even though I have never been able to live up to my father’s expectations. He wanted me to play baseball. I couldn’t throw, and I couldn’t hit. Football was out of the question. Damn him to hell.
Another Generation Page 3