“Ida . . . ”
“Eidel! How are you?”
“Not good. Dovid died.”
“Oh my God,” Ida said. She was silent for a few moments then she added. “I’m so sorry.”
Eidel could hear the sincerity in Ida’s voice.
“When?”
“Last night.”
“I’ll be right over,” Ida said and hung up the phone.
The caring tone in Ida’s voice brought tears to Eidel’s eyes. She forced herself to get up off the couch and put on a pot of coffee. There was a comfort in knowing Ida was on her way. Ida had been her best friend and her strength throughout her life. I need her so much now.
Ida arrived in less than a half hour. She brought an apple cake and handed it to Eidel.
“I baked this last night,” Ida said.
“You still bake?” Eidel smiled. It was more of a statement than a question.
Ida nodded her head and shrugged her shoulders. “Sometimes.”
“I made a pot of coffee.”
“I could use a cup.”
Eidel poured the coffee into two ceramic cups then she sat down beside Ida at the kitchen table.
“Let’s have some cake,” Ida said, a sad smile warming her face. “Something sweet to sweeten a bitter moment in time.”
“All right.” Eidel got down a knife and two plates.
After Ida cut the cake and served it, Eidel lifted the fork but she couldn’t bring herself to eat. Instead, she started crying.
“Why haven’t you called or come over, Ida? I haven’t heard from you since Haley’s baby was born.”
“When we talked the last time you seemed like you didn’t want me to call you. You were so cold to me. I wanted to call several times but I didn’t want to bother you.”
“I know. I was wrong. I was angry that you got over Harry so quickly, I guess. It was hard for me to fathom that you had gone on and met someone else so fast. You wanted to sell the restaurant. And I felt like you were changing, I guess.”
“It’s all right, Eidel. I understand. We were four friends together. After Harry died, things were different. I didn’t want to work at the restaurant without him. And yes, I didn’t want to be alone either. I am just glad you called today.”
“I don’t know what I am going to do. My life is over without my Dovi. I know you loved Harry. I saw the two of you together for many years. You did love him, didn’t you?”
“With my whole heart and soul, Eidel.”
“Then how did you ever go on with your life after Harry?”
“Because I had to. Life goes on, Eidel. People die. It’s just a fact of life. I learned that in the concentration camp. The living must get up and force themselves to go on living.”
“I guess I couldn’t believe that you met someone else, that you replaced Harry. That was what felt like a betrayal to me. It seemed so easy for you to just forget your husband and all the years you were together. I had no right to be angry. It was none of my business. Oh Ida, I’ve made so many mistakes. Can you ever forgive me?”
“Of course, Eidel. I’ll always forgive you. We’ve been friends for such a long time. I couldn’t hold anything against you. I love you.”
“I love you too, Ida. I really do. I am ashamed to ask you, but help me. Please, will you? I can’t handle everything alone. I don’t know what to do next. And I don’t have the strength to do it.”
“I will. I always have and I always will. Tomorrow I’ll help you with all the arrangements and then with the Shiva. But there is something you really should do. You need to have a talk with Abby. Her whole life is in shambles and only you, her mother, can help her fix it.”
“Can you do it with me? She has always liked you.”
“I can’t help you with Abby. I know the story. You told me. But she must hear it all from you. And before you are done speaking with her, you must be sure that she knows that you love her. Because I know that you do.”
“I do. And you’re right. I will do it. I must find the strength to tell her everything and to beg her for her forgiveness.”
“Good. I believe once the two of you talk, she will be able to begin to heal.”
“I hope so.”
“And as far as my friend is concerned, the man I’ve been keeping company with, it’s not what you think. We are both lonely. We fill a need for each other. It’s certainly no big-time romance. It’s not the love affair Harry and I had.” She smiled. “But the companionship this man and I share gives us both comfort. Before I met him I was very sad. I thought about Harry every day and how much I missed him. But crying and feeling sorry for myself couldn’t bring him back. So when I met Sam, he filled the hours. It’s nice to have someone to have dinner with once in a while or go to a movie. Maybe this sounds silly, but knowing that Sam will come for dinner or a game of cards gives me a reason to bake a cake. And because I am going to have company, I am forced to leave my house and go to the store to buy all the stuff I need. I wouldn’t do it just for myself. I would sit in the house and let the food run down until I had almost nothing left. But it makes me happy to know that someone will enjoy my cake. I feel useful. And while I am shopping for sugar and flour, I also buy my own food for the week. This little friendship motivates me to keep going. It forces me to live. Sam is a nice person. Someday you will meet him, I hope. I think you would like him. I will never take his deceased wife’s place in his heart. I wouldn’t want to. And he will never replace Harry in mine. But we are friends. It makes me happy to know that I will not be alone in a silent house every night. It’s a reason to get out of bed in the morning. Instead of sitting alone in front of the television every night, I know that I will be talking with a friend.”
“You’re so much stronger than I ever was. You were always the strong one, the capable one. Ida, I can’t go on without Dovi . . . ”
“You can and you will. You must. Your children need you. Your granddaughter needs you. Is Haley here?”
“Yes, she’s been living here for a while now. Ever since Simon left her. He filed for a divorce right after the baby was born. They weren’t even married a full year. When she asked him what had made him lose interest in her and their marriage . All he said was that the idea of having a wife and child made him feel like he was drowning. And, the woman he’d met at work made him feel excited about life again.
“Oh my God. I didn’t know. How is she? Is she all right?”
“Not so good. Her heart is broken. But at least she has little Julie to take care of. So she stays busy. I help her with the baby as much as I can. Dovi, my Dovi, he should rest in peace, was so good with the baby. Julie adored him. As soon as he walked into the room she reached her hands up for him. Oy, my Dovi, he was always good with the kids,” Eidel said. Tears fell from her eyes and she wiped them away with a napkin. “Mark is here. He came in from New York. His friend is flying to Chicago to meet him. They are staying at the Hilton down the street and . . . Abby is here with me and Haley.”
“At the house?” Ida said raising her eyebrows.
“Yes. Abby is here at the house. She’s staying in Mark’s room.”
“How is she?”
Eidel shrugged. “I don’t know. She looks terrible. She’s covered in brusies it looks like someone beat her up. . I don’t know what to think. I do know this. Dovid’s last request was that I talk to her. He wanted me to make peace with her. And then you said it too, just a few minutes ago. It must be done. I have not been a good mother to her. Everything went bad between us from the moment she was born and it was never her fault.”
“You’re right, Eidel. You should tell her everything. She needs to know everything. It’s time to explain yourself.”
“She’s always been very troubled, and I know it is my fault.”
“Then make it right, Eidel. Only you can.”
“Yes. You’re right. For years I have been blaming myself for the mess she’s made of her life. But I haven’t been willing to go out on a limb and talk t
o her. Now I have to.”
“It doesn’t matter who is to blame. Yesterday is gone. All that matters is today and tomorrow, Eidel. You can’t change what happened yesterday. But if you try, maybe you can help her have a better tomorrow.”
“Why are you always so wise, Ida?”
Ida laughed. “Wise? I don’t know that I am wise. I have just lived a very long life. I’ve seen so many things. So many. Both good and evil.” Then Ida got up and hugged Eidel. “Don’t worry about anything. We are best friends. I will be here first thing in the morning to take care of everything.”
CHAPTER THIRTY ONE
After Ida left, Eidel went into the bedroom she’d shared with Dovi and laid her head down on his pillow. She inhaled his essence. Dovi, I can’t go on. I know I should find a way to make peace with Abby. But I don’t even know how to bring it up to her. How can I tell her how sorry I am for the mistakes I made? How do I explain? How? She will never forgive me, and I can’t blame her. My reasons for treating her badly were not rational; they were purely emotional. The worst part of it all is that it was never anything she did. It was all me, all my sick fears got the better of me and they might even have ruined my daughter’s life. I’m not strong enough to cope with all of this. The truth is, I just want to take a bottle of sleeping pills and go to you wherever you are. Yet I can’t do that until I make things right for Abby. I owe it to her to at least try. She deserves that much. Eidel’s tears wet the cotton pillowcase. Then she remembered something. Something she’d hadn’t thought about in a long time. She got up and went into her closet. On the floor in the back was a box filled with all the things she had buried there. This box was filled with painful memories she wanted to block out of her mind. It held many things that she’d brought with her after her mother’s death in Poland. Her hands trembled as she opened the lid. There was her mother’s scarf. She held it close to her lips and kissed it. Mama. My God, Mama. I miss you. When you died a part of me died with you. But then at least I had Dovi. And he was always so strong. I leaned on him for everything. Now I am alone. “You’re not alone in the world.” She heard her mother, Helen’s voice in her head. “You have your children. There is nothing more important to a mother than her children. Now, my sweet Eidel, I know what you came looking for in this box. Go ahead, reach under all of the precious but heartbreaking things that you’ve saved all these years. It's all the way under everything else. Take it out and hold it in your hand. Then go to Abby and give it to her. She reminds you so much of Zofia Weiss. She looks just like Zofia. I always told you that you need never be afraid of Zofia. She never threatened our love for each other. She was your birth mother and she loved you too. She loved you so much that she gave you to me so that you would not suffer. That is the ultimate sacrifice a mother can make. Zofia was as much your mother as I was. You were a very special little girl. You had two mothers who loved you more than life itself. Now the time has come for you to be strong. You must act like the special woman I know you are. Go and talk to your daughter. Tell her everything she needs to know. Don’t stop talking until you are sure she knows how much you love her.” Eidel took the Star of David out of the bottom of the box. The gold chain felt cold in her hand. She remembered when her mother Helen gave it to her. She had been afraid and confused. The Star of David had belonged to Zofia Weiss. Zofia found a way to get the necklace to Helen so that it could be given to Eidel. The day she received it changed her life. That was the day she learned she was Jewish and Helen was not her birth mother. She was frightened by the news so she hid the necklace away, denying to herself that Zofia Weiss was her birth mother and Helen was her adopted mother. She just didn’t want to acknowledge it. Then Abby came along, with her big dark eyes and curly dark hair and she reminded Eidel of the truth. Helen did not give birth to her. Zofia had given her life and Abby looked just like her grandmother to prove it. I do love you, Abby. I just never knew how to love you. I was afraid of you because when I looked at you, you looked so much like my birth mother, Zofia, it scared me. I didn’t know how to cope with that. So I treated you badly. I was wrong. So very wrong. I can see that now. I can see that the only way to cope with the past, Abby, is if we do it together. It’s time for me to accept Zofia Weiss and all the sacrifices she made for me. It’s time for me to allow myself to know that I can love Zofia and it is not a betrayal to Helen.
CHAPTER THIRTY TWO
From the first day Ida and Eidel met, Ida had always been like an older sister to Eidel. She had an inner strength and a take-charge attitude that Eidel admired. Even when her own husband passed away, Ida managed to keep herself together. Now she was making all the arrangements for Dovid’s funeral and the Shiva. Eidel was grateful. Her grief was so overwhelming that she could not have done everything that needed to be done by herself. Even her children couldn’t take charge and handle things the way Ida did. Eidel followed Ida’s lead, going through the motions of picking a casket. But she was still in shock and it was Ida who took care of everything. The three Levi children were at Eidel’s side, and she was glad they’d all come. But looking at Abby was a constant reminder that she had to speak with her and soon. It was probably going to be the most difficult conversation of her life. And, not only that, but this was certainly the most painful time in Eidel’s life for her to carry it out. Still, it must be done.
The funeral would take place the following day. The Shiva was to be at Eidel’s house for seven days starting immediately after the burial. Rabbi Mittleman, who had known the Levis since the children were young, was going to do the service. Mark, Abby, and Haley all agreed to speak at the funeral but Eidel declined.
“I can’t. I can’t stand up and talk to all of the people at the funeral,” she said to the group as they were making arrangements. Her face was puffy and tear-stained.
“It’s all right, Eidel,” Rabbi Mittleman said. “You don’t have to.”
That evening, everyone made peanut butter and jelly sandwiches, which they ate quickly. The women went off to their separate bedrooms. Mark left and went to the Hilton. The entire family had hardly spoken to each other. There was an uncomfortable formality between Haley and Abby. Mark was still reeling from the loss of his father and his own secret problems. And, Eidel, although she wanted to talk to Abby, could not bring herself to say all that must be said.
The three women lay awake in their own beds, each family member mourning Dovi in their own way.
CHAPTER THIRTY THREE
The next day was the funeral. Eidel sat between her children looking small and helpless, like a little mouse dwarfed by the black dress, black nylons, and black shoes she wore. She listened as the rabbi spoke about Dovid’s life. And she wept. But, even as their old friend Rabbi Mittleman said his kind and intimate speech, Eidel could remember so much more. Her thoughts drifted to Dovid’s tenderness. The way he had of making her smile when she was anxious or sad. She remembered his jokes and how he’d worked so hard to keep her happy through the blessed years they shared together. Oh Dovi, our time was too short. I don’t know how to live without you . . .
She recalled the surprise they both felt that time in Poland when they both revealed to each other that they were Jewish and hiding their heritage. She thought about how Dovid had been her strength when her mother died. I didn’t think I could go on without my Mama. But you were with me. You were always my oak tree. I knew, no matter what, that I could lean on you and you would hold me steady. You and Ida. I am weak, Dovi, how am I going to go on? When they first came to America, Eidel had felt so alone, lost, and out of place. She had not yet mastered English and she longed to return home to Poland. But Dovid met Harry and through Harry, Eidel met Ida. It was her friendship with Ida that had improved her life in America by a thousand times. You were always saving me, Dovi, all throughout our lives. You even found Ida for me. You knew I needed a friend and you found her. Who can I turn to now? Ida has a boyfriend. I can’t expect her to help me forever. I’ve never stood on my two feet. I suppose it’s time.
Then the rabbi called Mark up to speak. Seeing her son, Mark, handsome and tall in his black suit, white shirt, and black tie, climb the stairs to the podium interrupted Eidel’s thoughts and brought her back to the present moment.
“My father,” Mark began, his voice cracking slightly. He cleared his throat. Eidel could see the dark circles under his red, tear-stained eyes. “My father and I had our difficult times. But he was a good man, a brilliant man, who was always willing to learn about things he didn’t understand. He bravely fought the Nazis with the Russian army in the Second World War. Then he came to America and supported his close friend, Crawford B. Dell, in his efforts during the Civil Rights Movement. My dad believed in the equality of all people. His heart was as big as the sky and I was very fortunate to have him as a father.” Mark turned to the casket and said, “I love you, Dad. Thank you for everything you said yesterday and for everything you taught me. I pray I can be even half the man that you were.”
Eidel sat between her daughters. Haley on one side; Abby on the other. Haley took her mother’s hand and squeezed it. They were both crying. Abby was stoically holding back her tears. Eidel reached for Abby’s hand, but Abby pulled away. Eidel watched Mark walk back to his seat. She felt the panic begin to set in again. Oh God, Dovi, you can’t really be gone. How can I live without you, my husband, my best friend? YOU tell me that.” She wiped her eyes with a tissue. Ida is right. The time has come for me to beg Abby to forgive me for everything I did to her all of these years. I don’t even know how to begin. I only know that I must find a way to tell her that I love her. Even though I have failed her so many times. I’ve always loved her; deep in my heart, I did love her …
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