by Rachel Lee
“You’re okay,” Damien said. “You’re safe.”
She let her eyes close for a few seconds, struggling to make the mental shift from the last thing she remembered to her current state. Cold. Safe.
She let go of fright and looked at Damien again. “I need to sit up.”
Instantly he pulled away the binding comforter and helped ease her into a sitting position. “How do you feel?”
“Weird. My head is killing me. I feel like I’m cold deep inside. But I’m here, obviously.”
“You must never do that again, not until we beat this elemental. My God, Caro, it was that close to killing you!”
“I know,” she whispered. She was used to taking risks, but she had to admit this had been a stupid one. “I thought I could push it away. I did before.”
“But it got your measure then. The bokor must have strengthened it.”
“Maybe.” She rubbed her temples.
“Coffee?” Chloe asked cheerily. “Or tea?”
“Coffee, please. Maybe it’ll help warm me up.” Then she fixed her gaze on Damien. “He strengthened it? How could he make it stronger? Why wouldn’t he have made it stronger to begin with?”
He settled back on the couch but took one of her hands in his. His skin felt slightly cool to her, which she supposed was a good sign despite the cold that seemed to fill her very center.
“Summoning these forces is a delicate balancing act, Schatz. The mage must ever take care that it doesn’t become so powerful he can’t control it. Naturally he wouldn’t want it to be any stronger than it must be to achieve his purpose.”
“But it’s stronger now?”
“So it would seem. The question is whether he did it to get at you, or whether it’s starting to escape his control. I suspect, though, that the bokor was behind this.”
“I still don’t get why it’s coming after me. Why should the bokor have been afraid that I saw what happened? Why in the world did he attach that thing to me? Surely he should have thought that no one would ever be able to prove anything.”
Damien shook his head a little. “I don’t read minds. But my suspicion is you may have originally been mistaken for one of its targets. Then you started pursuing the matter and became aware of its existence. The bokor might have become worried that you would find him. Certainly I’d think that he now has heard we’re looking for him. People talk. I think at some point the game changed, probably because of something you or we did.”
“So he may have strengthened it for that reason. But he can’t get at you, Damien.”
His expression turned slightly rueful. “I can’t guarantee that. I’m fairly sure that I’m not as easy for it to get at as you, but no guarantees.”
“The elemental, or the bokor, may not be aware you’re a vampire.”
“I hope not, although you figured it out readily enough.”
“I could see your aura,” she reminded him. “And then you moved faster than humanly possible. I’m reasonably good at putting things together.”
“Better than most, I think.”
She accepted a hot mug of coffee from Chloe gratefully. The first sip took some of the edge off the chill deep in her innards.
“So,” Damien said sternly, “will you promise not to go out alone again until we settle this?”
“It goes against my nature to be cooped up all the time. But yes, I promise I won’t do it again. I may need to get out and about, but I’m not stupid. I learned my lesson.”
“Thank you. You were so close to death, Schatz. Too close. I could feel that elemental draining you of life.”
“I felt it, too. I won’t get cocky again.”
“Good.” Then he astonished her by reaching out and hugging her to his side. He seldom did that, and after the way he had warned her there was just so much that he could pretend to be ordinary, she hadn’t looked for comforting touches from him.
She definitely liked it, however. Definitely liked his arm around her, liked being pressed to his side while she sipped her coffee. If she wasn’t careful, she might start to think there was something normal going on there.
But none of it was “normal” start to finish. Although as the department’s shrink had mentioned during her interview after that shoot-out recently, “What’s normal? There is no normal.”
Right now those sounded like wise words.
Then she remembered. Her breath caught. Anxiety filled her along with an inescapable heat. Frightened and longing both, she asked, “Aren’t we supposed to do something tonight?”
He hesitated. “After what just happened, I’m not sure you have the strength. Let’s wait and see.”
Wait and see? How long could she stand having this looming over her? Another day of anticipation and nervousness that put her on edge so badly that she’d hardly sleep. That had probably played a large part in her decision to risk that walk.
“I don’t know if I can wait another day.”
His smile turned wry. “I wish you meant that the way it sounds.”
“What are you two talking about?” Chloe demanded.
Damien lifted a brow, eying Caro. “Do you feel well enough to go to your place?”
She felt an unexpected urge to laugh. “Yes, of course.”
Chloe grumbled, “Nobody tells me a damn thing. Get out of here, you two, and keep your secrets. I’m just the assistant anyway.”
* * *
Damien borrowed Jude’s car for the trip. First he loaded it with the bags full of his purchases, and then he escorted Caro out.
“So being a vamp has its limitations? Too many bags to carry?”
“I could carry them and you, but I don’t want to expose you to the cold just now.”
That was thoughtful of him. But as the buildings zipped by on the way to her apartment, her stomach turned to lead with apprehension. She had agreed to this ritual of his, but that didn’t mean she was entirely comfortable. Even more, she was on tenterhooks wondering if he would postpone it yet another day. How would she endure that?
But what if he was right that she wasn’t up to it now, after what had happened? She didn’t exactly feel as if she had regained all her strength yet, and her head still pounded, though not quite as much.
Not tonight, dear, I have a headache. The old joke popped into her head and made her smile. When they arrived at her place, he carried all the bags while she led the way. Her legs felt a bit stronger now, but the butterflies in her stomach hadn’t eased one bit.
What now? The question hovered over her like that elemental she sensed was still nearby.
Once in her apartment, however, things turned disappointingly ordinary. She made more coffee. Damien put the bags in her bedroom, then made his protective circle of salt once again, chanting in that strange language.
Then...nothing. They sat side by side on her couch, not touching. Neither of them moved. Oh, this was going to be maddening. Her nerves were already stretched tight.
Finally his voice filled the silence and agonizing anticipation. “Let’s see how fast you improve,” he said. “We have time.”
Time was what was killing her right now. Nervous as she was, she still wanted him to touch her. Wanted him closer. Even wanted him to drink from her again if that was the most he would do tonight.
It had been such an amazing experience and she was still trying to absorb the fact that giving a vampire her blood could be as pleasurable as any sex she had ever had. More enjoyable, actually.
“Have you fed?” she asked, her voice a little throaty.
“Of course.”
“Oh.”
A quiet chuckle escaped him and she looked at him. Smiling, he reached out to touch her hair, trace her cheek and bring his fingers to rest in the hollow of her throat. “I warned you would want to repeat the experience.”
“So?” His amusement irritated her. “I want to repeat it with you, not with just any vampire. There’s a difference, you know.”
“I know.” His face darkened. “Believe me, I
know.” He turned his head, concealing his expression from her briefly. “I know,” he said yet again. “There’s danger there, too, Caro. Don’t become too attached to me. I might not be able to give you what you want.”
“What do you mean?” Her heart sank as she realized that she did want more from him than just a good lay. A lot more.
“I’m not exactly sure,” he admitted. “There’s danger here. I told you of it. But I’ve been around for nearly three millennia, Caro. In all that time I have never claimed anyone. Perhaps I can’t. But I have also never lingered that long with any one person. Perhaps I can’t.”
“So you’ve been a playboy all along?”
He considered before answering. “I suppose you could call it that. But I do have an opinion on this much. There is nothing sadder than to give your heart and not receive a heart in return. After all this time, you are the first to make me wonder if I have a heart. Perhaps I do. But what if you’re unhappy with what comes from that? Or worse, what if it turns out I don’t have a heart to give?”
Her stomach took another plunge to her toes, warning her that she was steadily getting into trouble. But along with that warning came the realization that she might not be able to control this. “That’s a risk in any relationship,” she finally said.
“It is,” he agreed. His fingers caressed her throat, sending shivers of delight to every nerve ending in her body. “I would drink from you, but you’ve been weakened enough by that attack.”
As she watched, his eyes grew golden again, and he smiled. “You are an adventure for me. I like it.”
“I’m an adventure how?”
“You surprise me. You engage me in ways few do. You don’t give in easily to restrictions, yet you enforce restrictions in your job. An interesting mix.”
“There are laws, and then there are other restrictions.”
“True,” he agreed. “But I sense a free spirit behind the uniform and badge. You don’t have to keep it cooped up all the time.”
“What do you mean by free spirit?” Although she liked the sound of it, she wasn’t sure what he meant.
“There’s a person inside who’d like to come out more often. I see glimpses of her. She’s a person who can desire a vampire, consider performing a ritual that scares her, that even wanted to be drunk from just to find out what it was like. The same person who took a dangerous walk today.”
“Maybe not so smart.”
“There’s a wealth of experience to be had by those willing to take the risks. I think you know that. Your job isn’t without its own set of risks.”
That was true. Every day that she put on her uniform, she never knew what she might face. Of one thing she was sure: her job seldom bored her. Maybe that was part of the reason she had chosen it. Not just as a reaction to what her grandmother tried to teach her, not as a reaction to a worldview that hadn’t been able to save her parents.
“I never thought of myself as an adrenaline addict.” But maybe she was.
“I wouldn’t call it that. But I think you like new experiences. You’re curious, and you want to taste a variety of fruit. So let yourself.”
Then he took her by surprise, sliding down the couch a bit and drawing her over until her head rested on his lap. “Do you mind?” he asked, running his fingers through her hair.
“Just don’t act so ordinary I start to expect it from you.”
He cracked a laugh and caressed her cheek with his cool fingertips. “I’ll never be ordinary.”
“Do you wish you were?”
“Before you, never.”
“And now?”
“Now, a few times, I’ve wished I were an ordinary man so I could be what you need.”
“How do you know what I need?” she demanded. But even as she made her demand, she felt the touch of his fingers, oh so gentle, like a caress to her soul. It softened her, and weakened her, in ways she liked. It was almost like a kind of relaxation, almost like the way she felt when she climbed into bed after a hard day. Her soul unleashed a sigh of contentment.
“Sometimes,” he said, “you need a man who doesn’t have to be afraid of comforting you. Or holding you.”
“Are you really that afraid?”
His fingers paused in their light strokes of her cheek and neck. “Not anymore,” he said finally. “Rest a little. Then we’ll see if you’re refreshed enough for the ritual. If not, it’ll have to wait another day.”
“I don’t want to wait. This is nerve-racking. And what if someone else dies?”
“But we can’t proceed if you’re still weak, Schatz. It won’t help either of us. It could even drain one of us. So we’ll wait and see.”
* * *
He could tell she didn’t like the part about waiting, but there was nothing else to be done about it. Self-denial in and of itself could enhance one’s strengths. He had frequently practiced it as a priest, often fasting. Then there was the other part—her weakness right now. She might be feeling strong enough, but he could tell she was still not fully recovered. There was a danger in that, the danger that she could take power away from him, albeit unconsciously, to restore her own.
No, this had to be as equal a give-and-take as he could ensure, one that would empower them both, not weaken one of them.
Otherwise he would have gladly started the ritual right this moment. He closed his eyes, his nostrils filled with all her enticing aromas, and imagined how it would be. The ritual cleansing, full of delights itself, to be carried out thoroughly and gently. His hands passing over every inch of her to wash away the detritus of the mundane world, hers washing him the same way.
The mere thought was enough to bring his Hunger to the brink of madness.
Then the candlelit, perfumed room, laying her down in her robe, binding her tenderly to her bed posts so she wouldn’t awaken the predator in him. Uncovering her delights little by little, massaging her with scented oils until her skin gleamed and she was breathless with need for him.
Until she glowed like white-hot fire beneath his ministrations. Oh, that was going to test his self-control.
Yes, he’d done this before, both as mortal and vampire, but it had been centuries since the last time, and he knew it would be a hard test to restrain himself for so long.
Because nothing must be hurried, and he had to be sure they had both reached an absolute fever pitch that could get no higher before they united their powers.
Damn, he was nearly there just thinking about it. But when he opened his eyes, he thought her lovely face still looked a bit tired. When he checked the heat emanations of her body, they didn’t seem quite warm enough.
She wasn’t ready.
And therefore, neither could he be.
He refused to think about how much he wanted her. How easy it would be to fully make love to her right then and there. Take her all the way, finally joining their bodies as they had not yet done. But doing so might affect the ritual badly, and no matter how much he wanted her, he couldn’t risk that.
Never had it been so hard to counsel himself to patience.
Though he might refuse to think about it, his body was throbbing with need for her, every cell shrieking to feed, to love, to take her to that place right between life and death. Sitting here with her head in his lap was one of the hardest things he could remember doing, primarily because it was not simply a step along the road of seduction.
No, he meant to comfort her, to help her rest. To relax. He was not using his wiles to get what he wanted, and that made this very different and a whole lot harder.
He wondered how it would be after the ceremony. Would his Hunger lessen or would it grow? And what if it did grow? Would he have the strength to walk away after they dealt with the bokor?
He had better, because if there was one thing he was absolutely certain about, it was that life with him would not be good for Caro over any sort of long term. A few weeks, a few months, a few years—it would not be good for her. As a mortal, she had needs and wants no
vampire could ever slake. She needed to walk in the sun, to have mortal friends, to have the life she had built, not to share the nights with him and only with him. He couldn’t even give her children.
She would not want to come to Cologne either. He could move himself—he had moved himself before many times—but how difficult would he make her life by being the lover she could never introduce to her friends and coworkers, the person who would always lead a shadowy existence on the edges of her life?
She might endure for a short while, but even with the example of Jude and Terri before him, he didn’t believe it could last forever.
Too many sacrifices would be required, and when love required too many of them, things often turned sour. He didn’t want to be the sour note in her life.
So as soon as they faced down this bokor and got rid of the elemental, he would have to leave. For both their sakes.
The thought saddened him more than he would have expected, but there was nothing he could do about it.
Realities were realities, after all.
* * *
Caro got some of the sleep her nerves had denied her during the day. She dozed off with her head in the lap of a vampire, feeling oddly comforted. How extraordinary that he could comfort her with gentle caresses when he had warned her repeatedly how dangerous he could be to her.
How strange to sink into dreams of him, dreams of flying across rooftops on his back, dreams of him drinking from her, dreams filled with some of the greatest experiences of her life. Places once beyond her imagining, and now a part of her life. In her dreams, no end loomed before them. It went on forever, that racing ride on his back, that blood sharing, his touches and even his rare laughter.
Then something jolted her instantly awake. Her eyes snapped open and she saw Damien looking down at her.
“What’s wrong?” she asked immediately.
“It’s trying to cross the circle. I guess the bokor no longer cares about witnesses, if he ever did.”
“Can it cross?”
“I doubt it.”
“But why should anything be able to stop it?”
“Because there must be limits on everything. Rules. Can you imagine the total anarchy if there was no veil between worlds? If powers could act without restriction? No, there are always limits. It seems the bokor has lessened a few of his own, but he can’t lessen mine. I’ve restricted this space.”