by Tillie Cole
“Shh,” Elsie interrupted, her hand on my cheek. I glanced up and she said, “It was beautiful, Levi. Nothing from your mouth could ever be wrong or ‘cheesy’, as you say.” I stilled, waiting for her to finish, when she said, “You are the kindest, most sweet soul, I’ve ever met. Nothing you ever say has anything but honesty and gentleness to it.” She dropped her eyes. “Because that’s you, the kindest person there is.”
My heart swelled as she said that, and I slid my arm around her shoulders, pulling her into my side. Elsie’s head settled on my shoulder and she gazed at the stars. I did too.
After minutes in silence, she asked, “How do you say stars in Italian?”
“Stelle,” I replied and felt her head nod against my skin.
She was silent again, until her hand took hold of mine and she confided, “I couldn’t look at the stars for years after my mom died.”
Ice ran through my veins at the sadness in her voice. She pointed at the plastic stars. “Every time I looked up at them, I felt small, unimportant… and completely alone. I’d look at them and wonder where she was, wonder if there was even a heaven.” She shook her head. “My mom did so many bad things, Levi. Maybe not bad, but reckless things. Drugs, never having a home for us.”
“Where did you live?” I asked, my voice husky with sympathy at the pain she was in.
Elsie sighed and replied, “Mainly on the streets.” She looked up at me. “It’s all I’ve ever really known. And being here has been…” she inhaled and exhaled, “divine.”
There was nothing to say, so I held her closer. She didn’t say anything else about her mamma and I didn’t want to make her any sadder than she was, so I asked, “Why do you love poetry so much?”
This time when she took in a breath, it wasn’t filled with pain. “I don’t really know. I’ve just always been fascinated with words—how they sound, their structure, their meanings,” she cut herself off, then said, “how they can be used for good… and used for bad.”
I frowned, wondering what she meant when she flipped onto her stomach and laid her hands on my chest. I ran my fingers through her hair, completely infatuated with everything she was saying.
“Bad?” I questioned, when Elsie immediately paled. “What?” I asked, my hand stopping mid-stroke on her hair.
Elsie shook her head. “Nothing.”
“You sure?” I pushed, but she smiled and nodded.
Inhaling, she said, “I suppose I became fascinated with words because I lived without them or sound until I was eight.”
“Eight?”
“Yes,” she replied, “I inherited my deafness from my mom—who was deaf in both ears.” She pointed to her right ear. “I had low hearing in this ear. When I was eight, we found out about a new surgical technique that could restore the hearing in my right ear.” Her eyes dropped. “My mom had no money. Somehow she managed to scrape enough together to pay for my surgery—I don’t know how. Though I can guess.”
I brought her hand to my mouth and kissed it, a blush coating her cheeks. “When I woke from the surgery, I had been fitted with a hearing aid. I could hear, not a huge lot better, but it sounded like thunder compared to what little I had before. I remember being confused at the sounds all around me. At people speaking to me.” She ran her fingers over my lips. “I would hear them, and match the sounds up with the movement of their lips. My mom didn’t speak, couldn’t speak. When she tried, sometimes her pronunciation was too difficult to understand. So I had to learn for myself. I had to listen and learn. I learned and became obsessed with words.” She shrugged. “I guess it never went away.”
“And the poetry?”
Elsie’s eyes grew shiny and she pointed to the ceiling. “I made up that little rhyme about those plastic stars. It ignited something within me… something that kept me going even when I wasn’t sure I could.”
I didn’t say anything else, and Elsie laid her cheek on my chest. “When my mom died, I thought I’d never write poetry, again. I never thought I’d look at the stars, again.”
My chest ached with sympathy, when she rasped, “But the words came regardless and I just had to write them down.” She turned her head to me, a tear falling down her cheek. “I tried to stop them, but the thought of how my mom loved to read my poems… when she was thinking clear... I had to write them down. There was no choice. They would fill my head until I had to purge them on the page.”
“What were they about?” I asked softly.
“Lots of things, but… mainly her. How my life was without her, what I’d do if I could only see her one more time.”
A lump clogged my throat and images of my own mamma came to mind. I could feel Elsie’s pain, because I felt it too. Silence took over, then I asked, “Can I hear some?”
Elsie stilled.
I shifted and assured, “It’s okay if you don’t want to.”
“It’s not that,” she pushed. “I just… nobody’s heard it since my mom. I’ve never spoken them aloud.”
“It’s okay,” I whispered and saw Elsie relax.
I closed my eyes, feeling drained and tired, when I heard, “I wrote this after my mom died. When I was in care, in a group home, and I had nobody to talk to.”
My eyes snapped open as a million questions flooded my mind. Care? Group home? But all that fell away when she began reciting her poem.
“Heaven’s Door,” she announced. Her eyes were unfocused as the gutting words poured out:
“I’d search the world for Heaven’s Door,
Over mountains and valleys, each sandy shore.
I’d find the stairway, soaring through clouds,
I'd climb each step, without making a sound.
I’d arrive at the door of glimmering gold,
I’d slip through unnoticed, not stirring a soul.
I’d gasp at its beauty, at its rivers and trees,
I’d stray from the paths, I’d hide among leaves.
I’d tiptoe unseen, under sun and sky blue,
I’d search every corner until I found you.
I’d capture a tear, catch a glimpse of your hair,
As you danced and you twirled, without any care.
You’d smile and you’d laugh, like a bird you’d be free,
I’d try not to cry, you’re there without me.
I’d stay my hand from touching your face,
From calling your name, to feel your embrace.
You’d open your mouth and your voice would be pure,
I’d treasure the sound, no more pain you’d endure.
I’d stay ‘til the sunset, when I’d have to leave,
A pain in my heart, my spirit in grief.
I’d blow you a kiss, let it drift to the sky,
I’d whisper ‘I love you’ and bid you goodbye.
I'd pass through the door, I’d descend out of view,
Knowing that one day, some day, I’d again be with you.”
Elsie trailed off, her voice breaking toward the end. While I sat here in silence, stunned silence, my cheeks wet with tears.
Elsie blinked, then blinked again, and squeezed at my hand. She didn’t say anything to me; I didn’t say anything to her, but we sat here, holding each other, both raw at her words.
Minutes passed by, until Elsie switched positions and lay back upon the pillow beside me. Her eyes were shimmering, completely vulnerable. I’d spoken before I’d even had the thought. “Stay,” I hushed out, my hand on her cheek. “Stay with me, here.”
Elsie sucked in a breath and gripped my wrist. “Levi—”
“Please,” I begged, knowing I’d break if she left. “Stay here. With me. Just be my girl.”
“What would I do?” she whispered, her frightened eyes searching mine.
“I’ve already spoken to Lexi. She wants to show you her treatment center. She wants to see if you can help her with something… if you’re ready. Only when you’re ready.”
“Her treatment center?” she questioned. Hope sprung in my heart
hearing the interest in her voice. “I don’t understand.”
“I know,” I replied. “But I want Lexi to show you, to explain to you why she opened such a place… and why she wants you there.”
Her eyes seemed to flare with the same hope I held in my chest, then her eyes dropped, when she whispered, “Levi, there are things you don’t know about me… things that have made me the way I am. That I haven’t told you, that haunt me.”
“I know,” I said in understanding, “but if you just give us time, if you stay, maybe one day we’ll know everything about each other. Maybe we’ll be it for each other.”
She paused, then exhaled, nodding her head. Relief flooded through me and I crushed my mouth to hers. When I pulled back, Elsie was breathless and she whispered, “You’re stealing my soul, Levi. Like a thief, you’re taking my soul and making it your own.”
I felt the heat rise to my face as I rasped back, “I think you already have mine.” I felt Elsie freeze when I said, “In fact, I think they are already twinned.”
Elsie kissed me again and I wrapped her in my arms. As I closed my eyes, I whispered, “Bella mia.”
“Your new favorite Italian words,” Elsie hushed out, sleep taking hold.
My favorite everything, I wanted to add. But we both fell asleep—together—before I could.
Chapter Thirteen
Elsie
“Am I dressed okay?”
Lexi smiled at me as we drove through the city and she nodded her head. “Of course, sweetie.”
I pulled the sleeves of my black shirt over my palms and stared out of the window. It was three days since Levi and I had made love; made love and I had promised him I would stay.
Lexi had come to me the next day and asked me to help her with something at her treatment center. I’d agreed to come today to find out what it was, but I didn’t know anymore than that.
The radio played quietly in the background. After ten minutes, we pulled into a long drive, trees lining each side. My mouth gaped at the beautiful gardens, then a huge white house came into view.
Lexi pulled into the car parking spot directly in front of the door and she got out. I followed her lead, smiling as soon as I got out. The sound of birds and flowing water were the only things I heard.
“It’s beautiful,” I said, smiling at a wooden gazebo overlooking what I suspected to be water. The river maybe?
Lexi stood beside me and looked at the view. “It is. It’s my favorite out of my two centers.”
I frowned in confusion. Lexi clearly saw. “I have two, Elsie. One here and one in San Francisco where we lived before.” Lexi pointed to the stunning wooden mansion behind us. “We had more funding when we came here, and Austin was being paid more, of course. So we could make this center be more than the other. We could have more than one focus.”
I stared up at the lettering on the building, reading, ‘Daisy’s Smile.’ “Who’s Daisy?” I asked and caught the flash of pain race across Lexi’s face.
“She was my best friend.”
“Was?” I questioned. Lexi sadly nodded her head.
She turned to me and asked, “Did Levi ever tell you what happens at this center, Elsie?”
I shook my head. “He said it was your story to tell. He said that I should hear it from you. That you’d explain what you wanted my help with.”
Lexi walked forward and waved for me to follow. “Come on, girly, let me show you what happens here.” She paused and looked behind to me. I stopped when I saw the seriousness on her face. “Just prepare yourself, sweetie. Some of the girls—and the few boys—here, are in a real bad place.”
Apprehension filled me. I followed Lexi into the house with a growing sense of trepidation. As we entered the house, I heard the low sounds of voices filling the vast halls.
“It’s huge,” I said. Lexi nodded her head.
“It bigger round back, we’ve got a summerhouse and an extra, smaller house in the gardens. That’s our newest center, the one where I’m hoping you can help me.”
“How… how could I possibly help?” I asked nervously.
Lexi opened the door to what looked like her office. As she shut the door, she pointed to a couch. I sat down and Lexi sat beside me. “Because I think you might have been, or perhaps are still dealing, with some of the issues we are tackling here. And there’s a girl, she’s sweet and…” Lexi stopped talking clearly seeing my reaction.
My heart fired off and I panicked. Lexi gripped my hand, and her thumb passed over the metal cuffs I always wore around my wrists. Tears immediately sprung to my eyes. “Lexi,” I whispered, unable to cope talking about that time, about those girls. About any of it. I wasn’t ready. I couldn’t face it.
“I know, sweetie,” she said and hugged me to her side. She was quiet while I pulled myself together, then she confided, “You know, it’s taken me a real long time to be able to do this.”
I knew I was frowning again, but I didn’t understand what she meant. “This,” Lexi said and squeezed me to her side.
She let go and I asked, “Touch someone?”
Lexi nodded. “Kinda, more them touching me. Or hugging, mainly.”
“Why?” I asked. Lexi got to her feet. After retrieving a photo frame from her desk, she brought it back for me to see. I stared down at the two young girls in the picture. The first thing I noticed was how incredibly thin they both were, too thin, dangerously so… then I realized one of those girls was a young Lexi.
My head snapped up to witness Lexi watching me. I swallowed hard, too afraid to say what I thought to be truth. But she beat me to it when she said, “I was anorexic, Elsie. Severely.” She shook her head. “Or a better way to put it is that I’m better now, I’m coping now… but it’s still hard.” Lexi took the photo frame and ran her finger over the other girl’s face. “Daisy was my best friend. I met her when I was getting treatment for anorexia.” Lexi sighed and explained, “She died, her heart failed due to her lack of weight.” She blinked, then blinked again, and added, “I almost died too.” She fixed her gaze on mine. “And I would have, if it wasn’t for my friends.” A watery smile spread on her lips. “If it wasn’t for Austin, showing me that I was worthy of love,” she huffed and placed her hand over her heart, “that I was worthy of loving myself for exactly who I was.”
“Lexi,” I whispered, my heart filling with sympathy. She laughed and I smiled, seeing the happiness on her face. Then it dropped. “Austin and Levi were living in real hard times then, Elsie. They were both caring for their sick mamma,” she paused, then added, “they were both in a gang, Axel’s gang, and then I came along and almost ruined it all for them. I witnessed some things they didn’t want me to see.”
My eyes were wide as I hung on every word.
“Anyway, it was Austin who, even though I was spiraling to darkness, brought me out of it despite what he was going through.” Lexi shrugged. “Turned out he needed me too. Because he was spiraling too, they all were.”
“And Levi?” I asked, picturing him in my mind as a young teen, unable to imagine his sweet shy self in a gang.
Lexi’s face paled and her expression was sad. “He was lost, he still is. He was quiet, but trying to act like a man to help save his dying mamma.” She shook her head. “From the minute I met him he was the sweetest thing I’d ever seen, a kind heart branded with a menacing tattoo on his left cheek. He wore the gang sign on his face that told everyone to fear him, when inside he is, in my opinion, one of the very best people to have in your life. And when…” She chased away her tears with a wipe of her hand. “His mamma died, his big brother went to prison and I—one of the only other people he’d let in outside his family—was in hospital, down to skin and bones, fading before his eyes.” Lexi took my hand. “He was never the same after that day, Elsie. We moved to San Fran when Austin got an NFL contract, and we got him the hell out of Alabama and away from all his pain. We also got that tattoo removed.” Lexi squeezed my hand tighter. “But he carried all the pain
with him. I don’t think he’s ever let it go.”
My heart shuddered, because I was exactly the same. My Levi, my lost boy, and me with my lonely heart, we were one and the same. Levi was right.
“When we moved, I had a degree, I registered to be a counselor and I knew what I wanted to do. I wanted to help those like myself. And I wanted to name it after my best friend who never could let go of her past.”
“Daisy,” I answered knowingly.
“Daisy, the girl who died before she ever really lived. The one that never found peace or acceptance of herself. The beautiful soul that never found her Austin,” Lexi nudged me playfully, “or maybe her Levi.”
I blushed, and Lexi laughed, getting to her feet. “Come on, let me show you round.”
I stood and followed Lexi to the door, but I pulled on her arm, bringing her to a stop. Lexi looked to me and I asked, “I don’t understand what I can do to help here? I,” I dropped my eyes and rocked on my feet, “I went hungry through being on the streets, I can’t empathize with having an eating disorder. I’m not sure I’m strong enough to handle all this.”
Lexi put her hand over mine and said, “It’s not this part of the center I was thinking of, sweetie.”
I nodded my head, still not quite sure where she thought I could help, but regardless I followed her through the halls, my heart breaking at the people we passed.
Most of the rooms were filled with young girls all too thin, their clothes hanging off their gaunt limbs. They all greeted Lexi with smiles, but through their smiles, their pain was clear. Various members of staff came out to say hello as we passed through, and I stood that little bit taller from my shyness when I was introduced as Levi’s girlfriend… when Lexi included me in her family.
I hadn’t been a part of a family. Even with my mom it was always just her and I… and even then she was rarely with it enough to be any kind of family to me. Although I loved her with everything I had.
We walked out of a back door into another stunning garden and across to a smaller house; smaller, but no less impressive. As we climbed the steps, Lexi held out her hand for me to take. I put my hand in hers. “This is where I could use your help, Elsie.” She smiled. “And maybe this could in some way start to help you too.”