by Tillie Cole
The moment was interrupted by Levi’s friends who came barreling through the crowd with their dates in tow.
“Alabama, there you are!” the boy I remembered as Jake called, his girlfriend, Stacey clutching his hand. Ashton came too, along with a few other guys I hadn’t met and about four other girls. I immediately saw the redhead girl standing near the back. I saw her watching Levi, my stomach turning in possession. It was strange for me to feel like this toward someone else, but Levi was mine, I didn’t like the surge of jealousy that sprouted from someone looking at him with more than simple friendliness in their gaze.
“Elsie, hey,” Ashton said, snapping me from my thoughts. I smiled as he kissed me on my cheek, before moving closer to Levi’s side.
Jake did the same, as did Stacey. I was introduced one by one to Levi’s friends, then finally, the redhead, Harper, stood before me. “Elsie, hey, nice to see you again,” she greeted and kissed my cheek. I pulled back as quickly as I could, my hands beginning to tremble. She reminded me too much of Annabelle—the hair, build, the same fake smile that hid her true intent. Even from the way she spoke, I could see Annabelle’s cruel eyes and hear the voice that still kept me from sleeping at night.
The girl that, every night, haunted my mind.
The sound of a man clearing his throat came from the doors of the dining room. “If you’d all like to take your seats, please. The dinner is about to start.”
Levi glanced down at me with his eyebrows pulled together. I knew he had felt my shaking hands, but I forced a reassuring smile. I would have to tell him the deeper reason why I hated speaking so much, why meeting new people—especially girls my age—caused cold shivers to race down my spine and my stomach to flip. But I wouldn’t do it tonight. I didn’t want to pull any attention. I would get through tonight, then I’d tell him.
I took a deep breath—I’d tell him it all.
Clara’s echoed words filled my mind when I told her to fight against the damage done to her by her bullies. And her response couldn’t have been more accurate when she’d asked me if I had fought the damage I’d endured.
Because I hadn’t, their words were still lodged in my mind, they held the knives still piercing my heart.
Still.
After all this time.
I had to begin to try.
Tonight, I would try.
“Elsie?” Levi pushed, and when I looked about the room, I realized that all of the people had already taken their seats.
“I’m sorry,” I said as I rushed forward.
Levi pulled me back, kept me still and cupped my face. “Are you sure you’re okay? You’ve been acting strange since we got here.”
“It’s just nerves,” I replied, taking hold of his wrists. “I’ll be fine. I…” I drew in a breath. “I’m going to try tonight.”
Pride engulfed Levi’s expression. “I’m so proud of you, bella mia,” he rasped. “So proud.”
I fell into his chest, when Jake appeared at the doorway. “Alabama, you best get in here. Coach is about to start and you know your ass’ll be doing sprints into senior year if you come in late.”
“We’re coming,” Levi called in response and pulled me, hands clasped together, into the room. My feet faltered at the sheer number of people filling the huge space. But Levi kept tight hold as he threaded us through to the table. And he didn’t let me go as many pairs of eyes stared at me—the girl that had won Levi’s heart.
A hand signaled which was our table, and I saw it was Jake. When we arrived at the table, there were two empty chairs, our names written on place cards. We quickly moved to sit down when the coach stepped on to the small stage. It wasn’t until I sat down that I realized I was sitting beside Stacey. Harper sat beside her and the other girls I had briefly met were on her other side.
Stacey leaned in close. “I refused to sit with Jake in place of sitting with the girls. I see him all the damn time.”
I laughed with Stacey, shrugging at the fact she’d refused to sit with her boyfriend. Then Levi’s hand squeezed my own. “You okay?” he mouthed. I melted, knowing that he mouthed the question because he was sitting on my deaf side.
I nodded my head. Coach started talking about the rest of the season. He referenced certain players’ efforts, in particular Levi’s school record for receiving yards and touchdowns scored. Levi ducked his head in embarrassment as the coach focused the spotlight on him. This time it was my hand that held his steady. He shook his head at being the center of attention, and I laughed when his friends wouldn’t let him live it down.
The coach sat down and, after prayer, announced the beginning of the meal. The people on our table chatted amongst themselves, until Stacey sat forward looking my way. “So, Elsie, how did you meet Lev? We didn’t even know he was dating anyone until we saw you at the game.”
Even though Stacey seemed friendly enough, my throat clogged. It clogged when the other girls became silent, joining the clamor, all waiting for my response.
I opened my mouth, willing the words to flow, but I coughed and shifted on my seat when the panic held them back.
“Family friend,” I heard said from beside me, and turned to see that Levi had spoken for me, rescued me. I adored him at that moment, my heart falling for him just that little bit more—if that was at all possible.
Stacey glanced to Levi and then back to me. “Nice. And are you from Seattle, Elsie, or are you from Bama too?”
“Portland,” Levi answered and Stacey laughed.
“Levi Carillo, are you going to answer every question I ask Elsie or are you gonna let your girlfriend actually speak for herself?”
Levi froze, and I could see him struggling to find an answer to help me. My heart thudded too quickly and I could feel the panic setting in. But I pushed through it all to say, “He’s just trying to help me, that’s all.”
I saw it the second I spoke. Everyone was watching me that little bit closer. I saw Harper and the girls on the other side of the table glance at each other. I knew, because I’d always known that my different sound was more pronounced. It was more than Levi let on, but he cared for me, I was his girl, he probably didn’t hear it the same.
“Oh, I,” Stacey sputtered clearly uncomfortable, and I laid my hand on hers.
I freed my hand from Levi’s, then tapped my left ear. “I’m deaf in my left ear and partially in my right. So Levi sometimes helps me with communication.”
I felt eyes on me, and I wanted to do nothing more than run away and escape their collective judgment. Stacey looked to Jake and shook her head in disappointment. “You hear that, Jakey? See how much Levi does for Elsie, and I can’t even get you to make me a damn cup of coffee on a morning!”
Levi’s friends laughed when Jake scowled at his girlfriend. Stacey batted her hand and said, “You’ve got a good one there, Elsie. Don’t let him go.”
I turned to Levi, smiling. “I won’t,” I whispered and leaned in closer. “He’s my everything.”
I didn’t know if anyone else was listening, because I was too busy feeling the kiss that Levi was placing on my upturned mouth, then he declared, “You have no idea how proud of you I am right now.”
I kissed him again, and happily listened to the conversations around the table. I didn’t really participate for the next hour, but I didn’t mind. Because I’d taken a chance and it hadn’t backfired. Yes, the stares hurt, as did the uncomfortable silences. But I’d fought the voices in my head. I’d made my first move to victory.
I couldn’t wait to tell Clara. Couldn’t wait to tell her that I’d begun the fight.
When the dishes were cleared, Coach rounded up all of the team for a team photo. I panicked when Levi had to leave me, but Stacey stayed beside me even when her friends all went into the entrance room to get more drinks.
I watched from the table as the coaching staff began positioning the players into rows. I smiled at Levi standing to the back of the waiting team between Jake and Ashton, listening to them talk yet
saying nothing to contribute.
My sweet shy guy.
“You’re both kinda fucking cute together, you know?”
I turned to Stacey and felt my cheeks heat. “He’s saved me. He’s good for me. We’re good for each other.”
“I can see that,” she said. I held back a laugh when Coach made Levi stand front and center. “He’s the star here at UW,” Stacey informed. “You good with all the attention he gets?”
I faced Stacey and shrugged. “I don’t go to school here. I… I have been working at a treatment center, so I don’t see any of it apart from the games.”
Stacey nodded. “But Levi’s clearly headed to the NFL, then that’ll be his life. Look at his brother and the adulation he receives. Their lives become a circus.”
My head whipped back to Levi and I felt my heart sink. I remembered Lexi mentioned this to me weeks ago, but I hadn’t let myself think that far ahead. I hadn’t let myself think about how our lives could be if we were still together and he made it to the next level; what people might find out about my past… that they might expect me to talk.
And that would be too much. Speaking to friends was one thing, but to be public…
“Elsie, I didn’t mean to scare you. I was just making conversation.”
“I know,’ I whispered, watching Levi stare without expression into the lens of the camera. The thought of all that attention terrified me, but looking at him now, my Levi, my treasure, the boy that brought me the moon, I knew I would have to learn to cope, because I couldn’t leave him.
“I’m just going to the washroom,” I said to Stacey. Her face fell and I could see she thought that she had said something wrong. I put my hand on her shoulder. “You haven’t upset me. I’m unfamiliar with all of this. It’ll take me time to get used to it.”
Stacey smiled and I walked to the washroom, thankful that it was empty. I stared at myself in the mirror and took a deep breath. “Hello,” I sounded loudly, checking around me to make sure I was still alone. “I’m Elsie,” I added. I winced, hearing my voice bounce off the high walls and sail into my ears.
Embarrassment swarmed all over me, but I forced myself to keep my head high. I forced myself to fight my fears. Stacey hadn’t been bothered. The other girls hadn’t really spoken to me after I did, but they hadn’t said hurtful things.
Maybe it was just Annabelle, just those girls, I thought, and built up my courage to see out the rest of the night.
I opened the door to the small hallway that ran to the foyer where the drinks were being poured. I was about to walk through the room to go and find Levi when I heard a female voice say, “She’s beautiful, I’m not denying that, but her voice? I know it sounds bad, and I know it’s not her fault, but I couldn’t listen to that every day. It’s kind of annoying.”
I stilled, my muscles freezing where I stood. Everything had frozen except my lungs; they worked too hard and too fast.
I closed my eyes trying to convince myself that it wasn’t me they were talking about, that another group weren’t mocking how I sounded. Then I heard it; the imitation, the mimicking of my different vocal tone. “I’m deaf,” one of them mocked; a different girl, but I could hear the monotone of her impression of me.
The cutting impression that pierced my already clawed heart.
“Levi’s shy so it makes sense he’s drawn to her, but he’s Levi Carillo. He’s gorgeous and can have anyone he wants. He won’t stay with her. I doubt he’ll be able to cope with hearing that voice every day. And in bed? What kind of noises must she make?”
Feeling like I was going to be sick, I found my feet pushing forward until I rounded the corner. Just then, another of the girls imitated my voice, the others laughing at her impression. Levi and Stacey walked into the foyer, hearing the sarcastic impression as clear as I could. And Harper, Harper was laughing with tears in her eyes as she clutched her drink in her hand.
All I saw was Annabelle…
“Here she comes, girls! Dumbfuck! Please,” Annabelle taunted, her hands clasped together in a prayer position as she faced me, “don’t speak, save us from the sound! Our ears can’t take it!” The other girls laughed. They laughed and they laughed until my head was swarmed with nothing but their sound. And I couldn’t take it. I was so lonely, and tired and afraid. I couldn’t take it…
I saw Levi come to a stop, pulling me back round from my bad thoughts. I watched as rage overtook his face. Then his eyes drifted to me, standing in the shadows, unable to hide my tears from the one person who knew my heart.
“Shit, Elsie,” he called out. The girls in front of me paled and whipped their heads round to look at me. It was the girls from our table, the ones that had listened to me speak, apparently with patience and kindness. Now they were ripping me apart. Harper stilled with what looked like regret on her face.
“Shit,” one of the girls said and stepped toward me, but I pushed past, needing to get away, needing to get air.
“Elsie!” Levi shouted after me, but I ran.
“You fucking cruel bitches!” I heard Levi snarl. “Who does that to someone? Who fucking hurts someone like that?!” I could hear his anger, his rage—something I’d never heard from him before.
I left it all behind, running out into the night without getting my coat, gripping my bag to my chest. But I didn’t care about the cold. I didn’t care about the rain as I ran into the dark street, turning left and rushing down the sidewalk.
I ignored the people in my path, tears blurring my eyes, and my scars burning under my cuffs—a stark reminder that people could be so cruel. They were so fucking cruel that, at times, I couldn’t understand why some humans were put on this Earth.
Why some people exist to mock and tear down others. What was missing in their hearts to drive them to pick on others, to fire words like fucking bullets—perfect aim, every time?
“Elsie, wait!” I heard shouted, not far behind me, then a hand clamped my arm and pulled me round. Levi’s frantic face was suddenly all I could see, but I was feeling more, feeling every name that had ever been slung my way.
I shook my head, sobs pouring out of my mouth. “Why?” I cried, and shook my head. “Why do people think that’s okay? Why do they have to be so mean? Why does anyone want to make others feel like this?” I banged my hand over my heart and spat, “Like knives are cutting my heart open?”
“Bella mia,” Levi rasped, his gray eyes tormented and lost. “Please, I didn’t know they would do that—”
“I did!” I cut in. “I did.” I ran my hand through my dampening hair. “Because it’s all they’ve ever done. It’s what people do when you’re different. It’s what they do to keep you down, in the place not worthy of them.”
Levi shook his head. “No, Elsie, they’re—”
Before I could finish, I ripped the cuffs off my wrists. I held up my hands, the scars on my wrists facing him. He had to have seen them. The evidence of what I’d done. What I’d done because of people like that.
“This is what people like that can cause! This is what their words can do. This is what happens when people come at you day and night and shred away who you are, or in my case, how you sound. They get you alone and they attack. They attack like fucking vultures, and they pick you apart, piece by agonizing piece until you can’t take it anymore. Until you’d rather be dead than alive, hating the thought of one more day being hunted like verbal prey. Because they leave their voice in your head. They plant it there so, even when they’re not around, you still hear them screaming at you, screaming that you sound horrible. That you’re an embarrassment. That you sound stupid and awful. They tell you to shut up because they can’t stand the sound of your awful voice.”
My body shivered with the cold, rain pouring harder, spoiling my dress. “They imitate, they isolate, then they strike. I never knew it was possible to tear apart a soul, a fucking soul that people can’t even see… but it is,” I whispered, sobbing out the words. “You can’t see it, you can’t physically touch it,
but you feel it… you can feel the moment they tear it apart because all that’s left afterwards is darkness and pain. A fucking great empty hole.”
I gasped for breath, my chest raw and sore. I could see people around us, watching me, but I didn’t care. I couldn’t care about people anymore. All they did was trick you into thinking they were nice, until you were vulnerable, then they stole any semblance of hope.
Gentle hands took hold of my arms, and I jumped. “Bella mia,” Levi soothed. I looked up into his gray eyes and even though it was raining, I could see the tears on his cheeks. I could see the pain on his face.
“Levi,” I whispered. “Why did they have to be so mean to me?”
“I don’t know, bella mia,” he rasped and choked on his words. “Please let me take you home… please, baby.”
Levi pulled off his jacket and wrapped it over my arms. I felt weak and broken, but I let him lead me to the car already waiting out front. Stacey and Jake were standing there, clearly having got us the Jeep, but I didn’t say anything to them. A flash of red was suddenly next to Stacey and my stomach dropped when I saw it was Harper.
“Levi, please, I’m sorry, I—”
“Get the fuck out of our way, Harper. I swear, don’t fucking mess with her right now!”
Jake pulled her back. I flinched. This wasn’t Levi. This angry, pissed boy wasn’t the gentle Levi I knew.
The car was warm, but I shivered, the cold from the rain chilling me to the bone. Levi pulled out on to the road, but my head was against the window, hot tears still pouring as I replayed their words, each repeat like a slap to the face: And in bed? What kind of noises must she make…?
Levi didn’t speak. My hands ran over my wrists and I closed my eyes at the way I’d told him what I’d done; what, for months and months, I wished had worked, until I met him.
The Jeep suddenly came to a stop and I jumped out, rushing through the back gate. I heard Levi’s door slam and his feet pounding after me. “Elsie, please, wait!”
But I kept running. I ran past the kitchen of the main house, immediately seeing everyone inside and on their feet watching me closely. Levi entered the yard and caught up to me. “Elsie, please, listen.” His thumbs ran over my scars and he whispered, “What happened, bella mia? Please tell me. I’m losing my mind. Your scars…”