by Amy Miller
Right now, he’d probably say: step back a little, let Zoe be. She’s a sensible young woman. She needs to make her own decisions. He had always been reassuring and helped make important decisions, but now, without him here, everything was up to her. It wasn’t that she couldn’t cope or didn’t know her own mind – she did. But she had become so used to running decisions about their daughters past Johnny. Discussing them. Sharing the responsibility.
Her phone buzzed once more, and her stomach turned over again. She slipped her hand into her pocket and felt the outline of her phone. She held her breath.
‘So, how was your weekend in Scotland?’ said Scarlet, attempting to break the tension. ‘Did Leo take his bloody ukulele?’
‘He’s really good at the ukulele!’ said Zoe. ‘It was lovely. I… we—’
‘I bet you went hiking with your map and compass,’ said Scarlet, ‘like scouts. And then had a cup of tea and a teacake as a treat.’
‘Hey,’ said Zoe. ‘Stop making fun of us.’
Heidi couldn’t wait a moment longer. She stood up abruptly.
‘Sorry, girls,’ she said. ‘I have to use the bathroom.’
Walking through the restaurant and up the spiral staircase towards the ladies, Heidi hummed the theme tune to Dallas. ‘Calm down,’ she told herself, her head buzzing.
The noise of clattering plates, cutlery, laughter, conversation and a baby crying seemed to amplify, and Heidi felt the urge to go outside and fill her lungs with fresh air.
Pushing open the door of the ladies, she went into a cubicle, took her phone out of her pocket and opened her email.
And there it was. An email – no, two emails – from William. Her hand shot to her face as she covered her eyes, reading William’s words between splayed fingers. He was brief.
Heidi,
I received your letter. I was shocked to hear from you but pleased. Johnny had mentioned you when we met. How about Wednesday? 11 a.m.? At the café?
William
Then, in a second message:
PS: Will Johnny be coming with you? I haven’t heard from him since we met. Is it because of the money? Tell him I will pay him back.
Heidi rested the side of her head on the cubicle wall. Her vision blurred as she reread the line that had snagged her heart: I was shocked to hear from you but pleased. She read it over and over.
The pizza and wine rose in her throat and her stomach clenched into a tight knot. She wondered for a moment if she might vomit. The emails had been sent minutes earlier and the image of William sitting at a computer, perhaps trying to work out what to type, burst into her thoughts. He had obviously been worrying about where Johnny had got to – and she would have to break the news of his death. Perhaps she should have done so in her letter, but wouldn’t that have been worse?
She read his emails again, this time focusing on the mention of borrowed money. Johnny had given money to William. She thought of the £300 rolled up in a sock in Johnny’s shoe. Why did William need money? How much had he borrowed? Perhaps he was in difficulty. Heidi swallowed. She didn’t want to think of him in difficulty. It didn’t go with the story she had created for him.
I was shocked to hear from you but pleased.
‘Mum?’ called Zoe’s voice from outside the cubicle.
Tucking her phone back into her pocket, she wiped tears from her face with tissue. ‘Yes?’ she replied.
‘Mum,’ Zoe said. ‘You’ve been in here for ages. Your pizza is cold. Are you sick?’
‘No, no. I’m fine,’ she said quickly, blowing her nose. ‘I was just thinking about your dad.’
Heidi flushed the toilet and came out of the airless cubicle to wash her hands. Zoe’s cheeks were bright pink as she draped her arms around her mother’s waist and hugged her tight.
‘We have each other,’ said Zoe. ‘Don’t forget that. And Scarlet. And Grandma.’
‘I know,’ said Heidi. ‘I was just missing your dad.’
She splashed her face with cold water, hating herself for lying to her precious daughter. Zoe slipped her arm through Heidi’s and they left the ladies, weaving their way through the tables and back into the restaurant.
‘So, Mum,’ Zoe said, before they got back to the table. ‘I know you don’t like the idea, but I’m really serious about deferring and having a gap year. I have thought about this, you know. I haven’t just randomly said it without having good reason.’
She stared at Heidi, as if trying to communicate another layer of information, but Heidi’s mind was on William’s email. On the money he owed Johnny. On Tuesday, out there somewhere. On her mother, no doubt regretting her confession. Everything around her looked the same, but in her heart she knew that her life had changed beyond recognition.
‘I think we should talk through your options,’ said Heidi. ‘If you’re serious about this.’
‘Thank you,’ said Zoe. ‘Let’s go for a walk by the sea. You look like you could do with some air.’
‘Yes,’ said Heidi, her voice trembling. ‘Yes, I would like that. Let’s get out of here.’
Fourteen
There are moments in life when you feel as if you’re standing on the edge of a cliff, arms outstretched, wind in your hair, preparing to leap. Today was one of those moments. Hovering outside the Blackbird Café, her entire body shaking, Heidi was reminded of the time she climbed to the top of the Eiffel Tower and, to the fury of hundreds of people behind her, froze. She couldn’t put one foot in front of the other.
‘Come on,’ she whispered to herself now, sliding her feet forward. ‘Do it. Move.’
To passers-by she was just an unremarkable woman walking into an unremarkable café for a cup of coffee. But the reality couldn’t be more different. Here, now, the past would join hands with the present. The secret she had been carrying for so many years would finally be exposed. At last, she would lay eyes on her son. Perhaps she would even hold him in her arms or plant a gentle kiss on his cheek. Would she be as he had imagined? Would he be shocked by her frizzy hair, or think her choice of clothes – grey jeans and a black jumper – too casual? Perhaps she should have made herself shinier: worn something smarter, a little more make-up. What if he was disappointed? She would know, instantly, if he was.
‘For goodness’ sake it’s not an interview,’ she muttered to herself. But in a way, it was. The biggest, most significant interview of her life.
‘Are you coming in?’ said a friendly female waitress, holding open the café door. ‘We’ve plenty of free tables.’
Heidi stumbled backwards but managed half a smile. Trying not to hyperventilate, she entered the café and scanned the room but couldn’t see anyone fitting William’s description.
‘Sorry, thank you,’ she stuttered. ‘I was miles away. Is, um, is William here? I was um, supposed to be…’
‘No,’ said the girl. ‘He’s not working today.’
Heidi’s heart plummeted.
‘Oh,’ she said, feeling as though a rug had been pulled from beneath her feet. ‘Oh, I see. I didn’t realise. It is Wednesday, isn’t it?’
‘Yes,’ the girl said, laughing. ‘It was last time I looked.’
Heidi rubbed her forehead and wondered what to do. The girl was still staring at her and gestured towards a table. Not knowing what else to do, Heidi sat down and ordered a coffee.
The waitress gone, Heidi tried to regulate her breathing. William had obviously changed his mind. Perhaps he couldn’t face her. Perhaps she had been stupid to expect him to come at all. They should have done this more formally, employed a mediator or met in a neutral place. A park. He wasn’t going to want his colleagues watching him meet his biological mother for the first time, was he? Why had he ever suggested it?
Hands shaking, she checked her phone, to see if he had emailed her again, but there were no new mails. She reread his original email and checked that she had the time and day right, aware of the sweat running down her body underneath her jumper. The waitress put the coffee down in fro
nt of her and Heidi half smiled, nodding briefly in thanks.
Massaging her temples with her fingertips, she tried to regain control of the conflicting emotions pumping through her veins. Something made her look up and glance at the door. She blinked. Her heart thumped. Then she jolted back her chair. William. It was William, and he was looking at her, smiling shyly. On his left cheek was a single dimple. She swallowed.
‘Heidi?’ William said, approaching her with his eyes slightly lowered.
He’s shy, she thought. Shy and worried. Shy and terrified. Pale. Was he tired? He looked tired.
He was the image of his father, even down to his choice of overcoat; black, collar up. Johnny had worn one similar, years ago. In his hand he carried a thin bunch of purple and pink freesias that were tied with a length of brown string.
Standing too quickly from her chair, she rocked the table and sent her cup of coffee skittering onto the floor, where it cracked. Everyone in the café turned to stare. Colour rose in her face.
‘Oh,’ she said, lifting her hands to her lips and shaking her head, scooping down to pick up the cup. ‘I’m so sorry.’
William crouched down to help pick up the broken pieces. Briefly their eyes met – he had beautiful pale-brown eyes – and they stared at each other for a long moment, a small smile spreading over their lips.
‘Hello, William,’ Heidi said. ‘I’m sorry about the cup.’
‘Don’t worry,’ he said. ‘It’s not an antique. Shall we get up or are you happy on the floor?’
He smiled and words failed her. She felt ridiculous, hopeless, inadequate.
‘This is…’ she started. ‘I’m… yes, let’s sit at the table.’
‘These are for you,’ he said, handing her the freesias.
‘Thank you,’ she said. ‘They’re beautiful. I love freesias.’
Her head flooded with questions. Had Johnny told William everything about her? Had he talked about what happened when they had William? Instinctively she wanted to explain everything immediately and urgently, so that he might understand.
‘I’ll order another coffee,’ said William, handing the pieces to a waitress – presumably a friend of his – with a dustpan and brush. Heidi observed his trembling hands and longed to put him at ease. But she couldn’t stop staring at him.
Leaning forward on his chair, on the very edge of it, elbow on the table, chin resting in his hand, his little finger beat out a rhythm on his cheekbone. The muscles in his cheeks twitched a little as if he was clenching his jaw. On closer inspection, his features were just like Johnny’s though his skin was paler and the area under his eyes had a faint violet colour. She felt a wave of concern, but a crazy little laugh erupted from her. She put her hand to her mouth.
‘I can’t stop looking at you,’ she said. ‘Sorry. You’re just so similar to Johnny. You’re almost exactly like him.’
‘I’m pretty nervous,’ William said, changing position, so that both elbows were on the table, making the coffee cups wobble. ‘It’s so strange to meet you. I’ve always wondered… ever since I found out that I was adopted. Meeting Johnny blew me away. As you say, we’re pretty similar. It was a little like looking in the mirror.’
Heidi chastised herself for not getting in there with the news about Johnny first. Tears stung her eyes.
‘William,’ she said, clearing her throat. ‘I know we’ve only just this second met. But I’m afraid I have some awful news. It’s about Johnny. I’m sorry to say that he died, suddenly. He had a heart condition and suffered a fatal heart attack. He was here, actually, in the street when he collapsed.’
‘Here?’ said William.
‘Yes,’ she said. ‘On Wednesday the twelfth of April. Had you seen him?’
‘No,’ he said. ‘I don’t work on Wednesdays. He had started popping in sometimes though. Or walking past, anyway. Jesus, wow, I can’t believe this.’
‘I know,’ said Heidi. ‘I’m sorry; it’s all such a shock. He didn’t tell me that he’d contacted you. He sent me a photo of this street, of this café just before he died, and I discovered he’d tracked you down. It’s a huge shock. All of this. I’m sorry, so sorry to tell you about Johnny. It must come as the most dreadful shock. Perhaps I should have told you in an email, but it seemed too cold.’
The colour drained from William’s face. He went completely white.
Heidi reached tentatively across the table and rested her hand briefly on his arm.
‘I’m sorry,’ she said again, her lips quivering as she battled not to cry. ‘I know it’s a lot to take in.’
William withdrew his arm gently and fished a small bottle out of his pocket. It was a mini bottle of rum. He poured it into his coffee, then took a glug straight from the bottle. An alarm bell sounded in her head.
‘Takes the edge off,’ he said, with a small sad smile.
‘How many times did you meet up with Johnny?’ asked Heidi gently.
‘Three times,’ he said. ‘I liked him. We talked about photography. I’ve always enjoyed taking photos. He didn’t tell me he had a heart condition. Why didn’t he say anything?’
‘I don’t know,’ said Heidi, biting her bottom lip. ‘He was doing well, making great progress. It came as a shock to us all.’
‘That’s a lot to process,’ said William, shaking his head. ‘So, you had a funeral and everything?’
‘Yes,’ she said. ‘I didn’t know about you then. I’m sorry.’
He nodded.
‘I thought life was on the up when he got in touch,’ he said. ‘I was stupidly making all these plans for what we could do together. And now he’s dead. I’m sorry for you, losing your husband like that.’
‘Thank you,’ said Heidi, swallowing down the burning lump in her throat. ‘Did Johnny tell you much about us, me and about your adoption?’
William bit his bottom lip. ‘A little,’ he said. ‘He told me you were both young when you got pregnant with me. He told me that I have two sisters, but I don’t think they know about my existence, do they? I’m the skeleton in the cupboard.’
He let out a small laugh. Heidi twisted uncomfortably in her chair.
‘I’ve always thought about you,’ she said, trying not to break down. ‘I’m overwhelmed to meet you, William – really I am. I know this will take time to sink in, but I’d love to get to know you.’
‘You might not like me,’ he said, trying to joke but exposing his vulnerability.
‘I already do,’ she said gently. ‘You seem like a lovely person.’
He raised his eyebrows. His leg was jigging under the table. He shook his head and repeatedly rubbed his jawline, as if trying to remove a stain.
‘Can’t get my head around this,’ he said. Again, he dipped into his pocket for the bottle of rum and took a swig.
‘That won’t help in the long run,’ Heidi couldn’t help but say.
He totally ignored her, and she wished she hadn’t spoken. She opened her bag and fished inside for the Polaroid photograph of William wrapped up in a blanket on the rose chair. Tentatively, she showed it to him.
‘This is you,’ she said, ‘on the day you were born. Did Johnny show you this?’
He nodded, picking up the photo and looking at it carefully.
‘Yes,’ he said. ‘I can hardly believe that’s me.’
Heidi smiled and looked at the photo herself.
‘Yes,’ she said. ‘That’s you. We sat together on that beautiful chair for many precious hours. That chair has always stuck in my mind – the thought of you and I sitting there, in the window, with the sun coming through. I think about that a lot. Every day.’
William chewed his lip, looking uncomfortable.
‘Where do you live?’ she asked, trying to change tack.
‘In a bit of a dump,’ he said. ‘I had a house, but it’s a long story. I live in my mate’s studio flat for now.’
‘Do you have any other family close by?’ she asked, resisting the urge to ask about his adoptive parent
s. Had they been good to him?
‘I have a six-year-old son,’ he said. ‘But my partner has him. I get to see him occasionally. Again, it’s a long story.’
A grandson! Her heart leaped.
‘Oh my goodness, I had no idea!’ she ventured. ‘I’d love to meet him. What’s his name? Do you have a photograph? You must miss him.’
‘I do miss him,’ he said. ‘My own fault though. He’s Fred – Freddy. I don’t have a picture on me. Plenty at home though.’
William’s mobile bleeped and he quickly looked at it, apologising under his breath, but saying he ‘just needed to check it’. Whatever the message was, it changed his mood. He went as stiff as a board.
‘Are you alright?’ said Heidi. ‘I’d like to talk to you about everything properly, but perhaps it’s all too much now, today, like this? Would you be happy to meet again? Maybe we could walk along the beach or something? I can bring photographs next time, of my daughters, your sisters, Scarlet and Zoe.’
He seemed utterly distracted, as if he was already halfway out of the door.
‘It’s so good to—’ Heidi started, but he interrupted.
‘About the money that Johnny gave me,’ he said quietly. She could see he was embarrassed. ‘Did he mention that I needed more? There was another £300 he said he could bring and—’
William’s cheeks were blazing red. Heidi swallowed and her stomach twisted into a ball. She thought of the roll of notes in Johnny’s shoe.
‘He didn’t mention any of this to me,’ she said. ‘I didn’t even know he’d found you! What do you need money for? How much more do you need?’