by Amy Miller
‘Go!’ she said. ‘You need to get dressed.’
‘Chill!’ said Scarlet, stretching out. ‘You’re going to scare her off if you’re like this. Just be your normal self.’
‘I don’t know what my normal self is anymore,’ Heidi muttered to herself as she rushed through to the kitchen to check on the food.
Turning her attention to the sage and onion stuffing, she pushed her fingers into the bowl and started mixing. Again, she thought about William. While she was setting the table and making a roast dinner, he was sofa surfing, worrying about debt. Tempted by the games on his phone. A wife and child he loved but couldn’t live with. His problems hung around his neck like a ball and chain. Not for long. She would make sure of that.
‘Mum!’ came a shout from the living room. It was Zoe. ‘She’s here! She’s early! I’ve just seen her park up outside in a yellow Mini!’
Heidi’s scalp tightened with nerves and anticipation. She yanked her hands out of the stuffing mix and held them under the cold-water tap, quickly drying them on a tea towel as she waited for the doorbell to ring. But there was no ring. Instead, came the sound of the front door opening.
‘Hellooo!’ came Tuesday’s voice from the hallway. ‘Can I let myself in? I’m here!’
Heidi’s heart raced. She dashed out to the hallway, where Tuesday was standing, dressed in a red coat, a red beret and wearing bright red lipstick to match. A cloud of patchouli wafted inside with her. In her arms she held an enormous bunch of gladioli which she held out to Heidi.
‘Thank you,’ said Heidi, thinking back to William’s freesias. ‘They’re magnificent.’
Tuesday took off her beret, and with her pink curls and bright eyes, she was quite dazzling. Placing down her bags – two large tote bags overflowing with wine and goodies – she held out her arms and greeted Heidi as if they were familiar siblings, or old friends, not new acquaintances.
‘I’ve been desperate to see you again,’ said Tuesday, giving a little bob with her knees when she said ‘desperate’. ‘I’ve been driving around for the last half hour, counting down the minutes. I just couldn’t wait any longer. Look at your fabulous house! And your fabulous daughter, my niece. You must be—’
‘The house is really not very fabulous,’ said Heidi apologetically, hanging up a coat that had slipped from the coat pegs to the floor. ‘But this is Zoe, my youngest daughter, and Scarlet is just…’
Tuesday released Heidi from her fragrant grip and hugged Zoe, who was standing shyly and stiff as a lamp post. At that moment, Scarlet bounded down the stairs wearing a short blue dress. She had reapplied her eye make-up and smelled like coconuts. She held out her hand confidently.
‘I’m Scarlet,’ she said. ‘And this is my sister Zoe. We’re very pleased to meet you.’
Tuesday went straight in for a hug. ‘Scarlet,’ she said. ‘I wish I had been called Scarlet. You smell gorgeous!’
Heidi couldn’t help cringe. Hugging strangers, no matter if blood related, was not something she, or Rosalind for that matter, would normally do. But Scarlet seemed to like it – and hugged her new aunt in return.
‘I love your coat,’ Scarlet said happily. ‘You’re like a rainbow. A burst of colour compared to my monotone mother! My girlfriend would like you.’
‘Thanks, Scarlet!’ said Heidi, glancing at her outfit and wishing she’d worn something brighter. Thinking back over the weeks since Johnny died, she wasn’t sure she’d worn anything other than grey or black. Years ago, women wore black for an entire year to grieve – sometimes for the rest of their lives.
‘Can I just say that this is a dream come true for me,’ Tuesday said, smiling. ‘And the most bizarre thing is that you all look a little bit like me! It’s as if I’m in one of those hall of mirrors at the fairground.’
She laughed uproariously and paused to pull a bottle of Prosecco from her bag. She waved it in the air and grinned.
‘This is cause for celebration,’ she said. ‘A remarkable day. I’ve been waiting for this forever.’
Heidi nodded and gestured towards the living room, slightly overwhelmed.
‘What a great family room,’ Tuesday said, crossing the room to the wall that was covered in pictures. ‘It’s lovely. And these photographs are exceptional. Is this… is this… Johnny? I’m so very sorry about your dad. I would have loved to have met him.’
The four women stood in front of the wall of photographs, looking up at the faces staring out. Heidi thought she must add the one of Johnny that William took. It was probably the most recent.
‘Thank you,’ said Zoe. ‘We all miss him a lot, don’t we?’
‘Yes,’ Heidi said. ‘Of course we do. Very much. Most days I wake up and for a second I think he’s still here and then the reality hits. I can’t believe he’s gone.’
‘He looks very handsome,’ said Tuesday gently. ‘And kind. A lovely warm heart. I’m sure you still feel his presence here.’
Heidi smiled. Connecting with Johnny in some way felt like a wonderful prospect, even though she’d previously dismissed that kind of thing. But enough things had happened since he’d died – like their favourite song coming on the radio when she was thinking about him, or a seagull swooping down right next to her head, as if with a message – for her to feel there was some truth in it. It was a comforting thought anyway.
‘Scarlet, can you get some glasses?’ said Heidi. ‘I’ll just have a taste. Tuesday, would you like to take a seat in here? I’m preparing the lunch; it won’t be long.’
Scarlet darted into the kitchen and returned with a tray. The excitement in the air was tangible. It made Heidi realise how long it had been since she’d invited anyone to their home for dinner. When each of them held a filled glass, Tuesday raised a toast.
‘To new family,’ she said. They all raised their glasses and took a sip.
‘It’s lovely to meet you,’ said Scarlet. ‘Exciting!’
From the kitchen came the sound of the timer going off, so Heidi quickly returned to the oven, followed by Tuesday and the girls.
‘Can I help you at all?’ Tuesday asked, looking around the kitchen. ‘I love your home. It’s so homely.’
Heidi removed the lid from a saucepan and turned off the heat. Her cheeks were bright pink with the warmth of cooking. She shook her head and smiled.
‘You’re the guest!’ said Scarlet. ‘We’ll help. You sit here at the table.’
Scarlet pulled out a seat for Tuesday, who sat down and placed her glass on the table. Zoe sat down at the table too, while Scarlet stood near Heidi, who opened the oven and pulled out the tray of roasting chicken and potatoes.
‘Mum said you run a catering business from a vintage horsebox,’ said Scarlet. ‘That’s so cool. You’ll have to tell us all about it.’
‘Gosh, you’re so very welcoming,’ Tuesday said. ‘It’s a lot for you to process, I suppose, after your dad passing away, to suddenly have an aunt and a brother you didn’t know about! How are you feeling about it all? I wondered if William might be here today. Your mum said something about him coming to stay, but we had a bit too much wine, so I’m hazy on the detail.’
With the roasting pan still in her oven-gloved hands, Heidi stood frozen to the spot, and opened and closed her mouth. The blood drained from her face and her stomach dipped. She recalled a flash of their drunken conversation in the pub, where she’d not been able to stop talking.
A heavy silence gripped the kitchen, like a huge pair of hands squeezing the air out of the room. Scarlet and Zoe stared at Heidi, brows furrowed, mouths agape.
‘Sorry?’ said Scarlet. ‘I think you’ve got something a bit confused here… Mum? Did Grandma have another child?’
When Heidi couldn’t find the words to answer or react in any way at all – other than to stand completely still with the roast chicken steaming before her – Scarlet’s cheeks bloomed pink.
‘Tuesday just said that we have a brother?’ she said, more loudly. ‘Not you, Mum.’
> Heidi remained silent. Tuesday swallowed loudly.
‘Mum, can you explain what’s going on?’ Zoe said.
Heidi felt as if she was sitting on a fairground waltzer and was being flung around the room from corner to corner, at high speed.
‘Yes, I can explain,’ Heidi said, her mouth so dry she felt as though she’d been eating sand. ‘You do… you do…’
‘Tell us then!’ Scarlet said, shoving into Heidi’s arm. She staggered and dropped the roasting tin. The chicken and potatoes bounced out of it and skated across the kitchen floor, in a pool of cooking oil. Everyone gaped.
‘Oh, I—’ Tuesday started, her hand over her mouth. ‘Oh God, me and my big mouth. I’m so sorry; I had no idea you hadn’t told—’
‘We have a brother?’ said Zoe. Her eyes were perfect circles. ‘You have to be joking?’
Heidi searched her brain for a reply, to give them an answer they would approve of. But nothing came. Her head was air, and dots fizzed in front of her eyes before her knees gave way. Collapsing onto the floor, she flopped down on the kitchen tiles alongside the upturned chicken. And then Scarlet threw her glass at the wall.
Twenty-Three
Everything was ruined. Heidi stepped around the scattered roast potatoes, her feet crunching on broken glass. Scarlet had walked out. Music thundered through the ceiling from Zoe’s bedroom – she’d locked herself in after tearfully but politely excusing herself upstairs. A stress headache split Heidi’s brain in half. Her body filled with hapless rage and hot tears blurred her vision.
‘How can you possibly have kept that secret from us?’ Scarlet had yelled. ‘I don’t even feel like I know you anymore.’
Scarlet’s sharp words pierced Heidi’s heart. She felt angry, but her own rage wasn’t directed at Scarlet or Zoe. Of course they would react to this news with disbelief and anger. They were in shock. Needed time. Questions answered. An explanation. Her girls had reacted normally. No, the rage she felt now was directed at Johnny. He had done this. He could have spoken to her months ago. He should have spoken to her. Sinking into a kitchen chair and resting her palms on the tabletop, she sighed.
‘It’s a horrible feeling,’ she said to a bewildered and grim-faced Tuesday, who had her arms protectively wrapped around her waist, ‘to be cross with the person you love the most in the world. But he’s the one who got me in this situation. He found William. He didn’t once talk to me about it. He lied to me about where he was going, who he was seeing. I tried to tell myself they were white lies, but are lies ever good? Surely the very existence of a secret means that someone is being deceived. And when is deceit good? If you’re doing anything behind anyone’s back, it’s never good.’
She remembered Tuesday’s confession about her holidays in Germany and what they likely meant and immediately apologised. Tuesday shook her head as if to say it didn’t matter.
She squeezed her eyes closed and tipped back her head, balling her hands into fists and quelling the urge to scream at the top of her lungs. Tuesday gently rested her hand on Heidi’s shoulder.
‘Take a deep breath,’ she said. ‘Inhale for three and exhale for six counts. It really works.’
Heidi opened her eyes, did as Tuesday said, and offered her a small apologetic smile.
‘You’re in a lot of pain, Heidi,’ Tuesday said. ‘And I’ve just made it a hundred times worse. A million times worse. I’m so sorry. I got the wrong end of the stick at the pub. I’d had too much to drink. As usual, it’s a bit of a theme.’
Heidi blinked away tears.
‘No, I’m sorry. This is my reality,’ said Heidi, bending down to pick up the chicken. ‘It’s not napkins and lace tablecloths. It’s a bloody mess. One minute, my life was going along steadily, the next it’s upside down. I keep blaming Johnny, but it’s all my fault really. I have to be strong. I can’t lose my way. I should have spoken to the girls long ago. But my son, William, he’s got some problems, and I’ve been wary about telling the girls about those troubles. I wanted to help him first.’
‘Oh, Heidi, you’re not superhuman,’ Tuesday said. ‘I can’t tell you how sorry I am.’
‘It’s not your fault,’ said Heidi. ‘I’ve been weak all along.’
Heidi registered that Zoe’s music had been switched off and knew that she was listening through the ceiling.
‘I should go and check on Zoe,’ said Heidi, standing. ‘I’m sorry that you’ve been subjected to this family drama. Not what you wanted, I expect, from your new half-sister that you were so excited about meeting!’
Heidi put her hands on her hips and exhaled. Her heart was pounding in her chest and sweat trickled down her neck. Suddenly the kitchen shapeshifted in front of her.
‘Drink this,’ said Tuesday, handing her a glass of Prosecco. ‘You’ve had a shock.’
Heidi gulped it down. She winced but poured more into the glass and drank another, hoping that it would numb the pain a little.
‘Would you like me to go out and look for Scarlet?’ said Tuesday, glancing at the window, which was being hammered by rain and wind. ‘Do you know where she might be? I know we’ve only just met, but I could at least find her and apologise to her for blurting that out, while you talk to Zoe. Again, I’m so sorry.’
‘This was going to happen at some point,’ said Heidi. ‘Scarlet’s girlfriend is in Southampton, so she might have called her, but actually she’s left her mobile on the table. She might be on the beach. I think it’s probably better to leave her to cool down on her own. I hope she hasn’t gone to see my mother! Our mother!’
The women shared a look.
‘Let me clean this up while you speak to Zoe,’ said Tuesday. ‘It’s the least I can do. Cleaning is calming. If your house is in order, your mind is in order, or something like that. Tidy house, tidy mind, that’s it!’
‘That’s the sort of thing my – our – mother would say,’ said Heidi.
Tuesday pulled on the yellow rubber gloves and crouched down on the floor to pick up the potatoes. The hem of her skirt dipped in the pool of cooking oil, which instantly stained it.
‘Your skirt!’ said Heidi, still frozen to the spot. ‘Oh God, your skirt will be ruined!’
‘Oh, I don’t care about my skirt; it’s not important. I’ll use my hair if I need to – it looks like a mop!’ said Tuesday. ‘Now go and see Zoe.’
Tuesday pointed towards the stairs and Heidi dragged her legs up them. Her limbs felt so heavy, as if she was pulling several other people with her as she moved. Knocking on Zoe’s closed door, she tried to plan an explanation, but the words scrambled in her head. She knocked again and Zoe opened the door, her face ashen.
‘Is it true then?’ Zoe said, her face crumpling into tears. Heidi nodded.
‘Can I come in?’ she said, stepping over the threshold into Zoe’s room. Heidi perched on the edge of the mattress and realised she hadn’t been inside Zoe’s room for more than a few minutes for ages. She scanned the things strewn about – a holiday brochure, half a packet of digestives, Johnny’s grey fluffy dressing gown, a stack of washing, a pair of running shoes covered in mud and three empty bottles of strawberry milk and several lovely pencil drawings of a landscape on the wall. She felt guilty – she hadn’t been there for Zoe. She hadn’t given her enough time.
‘I’m sorry you had to find out like that,’ said Heidi as Zoe quickly pushed something under the bed with her foot. ‘But when your dad and I were really young, I got pregnant and your grandma didn’t want me to keep the baby. It was different then. I was doing my A levels and the pregnancy was an accident. Your grandma didn’t want me to ruin my chances of getting a good education and a good job. She thought the baby would be better off going to a stable couple who had the means to bring up a child. I expect it was for the best. Your father and I never talked about it. We should have done. And we should have told you and Scarlet. But unbeknownst to me, before your dad died, he found our son. His name is William. I can only think that when your dad had his firs
t heart attack it frightened him into thinking that he might not have long left, so he decided to find him. William had put his details onto a contact register so it wasn’t difficult. I’ve been to meet him a couple of times. I wanted to suss him out first before I told you. I meant to talk to you that night that I told you about Tuesday, but I couldn’t find the words. It’s been a massive shock, all of it. Too much to process for you, I know.’
The rain stopped and sun flooded through the bedroom window, turning everything gold.
‘What’s he like?’ Zoe asked through tears.
Heidi sighed, conjuring up a painful image of William in his friend’s awful flat – and at One Stop, unable to pay for his shopping.
‘He looks like the double of your dad and has a dimple on one cheek,’ said Heidi, which made both of them smile. ‘He has a child but has split from his partner, so it’s a difficult time for him. He’s great at photography, just like your dad. He’s staying at a friend’s house, but it’s temporary. I was hoping to offer him our spare room to help him get back on his feet, but I know it’s a lot to ask of you and your sister. Everything has happened at once. I think your dad planned it this way. He gave us something to deal with, something major, to keep us distracted from our grief. It wasn’t enough to leave me with the business to run! How does it make you feel?’
Zoe shrugged, wrapping her arms tightly around the middle.
‘How did you feel when you got pregnant all those years ago?’ Zoe asked quietly.
Zoe was chewing the ends of a chunk of hair – something she used to do as a little girl when she was nervous.
‘I felt frightened and ashamed because Grandma was ashamed of me, but I didn’t know the truth and that she’d been through the same!’ Heidi said. ‘But I also felt curious about what was happening to my body. I didn’t know what to do or what was best. Afterwards, after the baby was born and adopted, I fell apart a little bit. I couldn’t cope with the fact that nobody talked about it to me. Even your dad. It was very odd.’