by Amy Miller
Tears flowed down Heidi’s cheeks as she listened to William’s story. She wiped at her nose and eyes with her cuff but was crying so hard, she had to leave the room.
‘Please excuse me for a minute,’ she said, pushing back her chair and running to the door. Outside, she leaned against the wall and took deep breaths, gulping in the fresh air. A while later Andy popped his head out of the door.
‘Was that news to you?’ he asked gently.
Heidi nodded. ‘We’ve only just become acquainted. I’m his birth mother. I’d hoped he was having a happy life. While he was going through all that, I was just going along, enjoying my life.’
Andy shook his head. ‘You’re not to blame,’ he said. ‘This process will hopefully make him aware of that. Do you want to come back inside?’
Heidi knew that she should. She tried to channel her strong, resilient core, but it had dissolved with William’s story. She shook her head and asked Andy to tell William that she needed air.
‘It would be great if you came back inside,’ he urged. ‘If you can. It would show support. We talk about fight or flight in this group. And it would be helpful to fight in this situation.’
Heidi shook her head sadly. She didn’t have the strength.
‘Sorry,’ she said, before folding her arms around her middle and walking off towards the Morris. The seagull perched on the roof soared through the sky above her as she moved away. Taking flight.
Thirty-Two
Heidi watched Tuesday furiously chop up a bunch of spring onions, sprinkle them over a potato salad and place the knife down on the chopping board. The kitchen table had bowls and plates of party food on it, and the worktops were scattered with bags of crisps, nuts and salad. Heidi had got carried away in the supermarket, determined to make the party for Zoe and Leo as lovely as possible.
‘Are you okay?’ said Heidi to Tuesday. ‘Have those spring onions offended you?’
Tuesday turned to give Heidi a tight, tense smile.
‘I’m fine,’ she said. ‘How about you? How are you doing? Why do you keep humming that tune? Is it from Dallas? I used to watch that show.’
Heidi exhaled. How could she explain how she felt? She had so many different feelings raging inside, she couldn’t hold on to one of them for long enough to describe her state of mind.
‘When were you going to tell me that you and Max have history?’ said Tuesday, before Heidi had time to formulate a reply.
‘Sorry?’ said Heidi, covering the bowl of potato salad with cling film.
‘Rosalind told me about you and Max,’ said Tuesday, ‘and I wondered if you were going to tell me?’
‘That was a million years ago,’ said Heidi. ‘Sorry, Tuesday, I’ve had other things to think about, like William and Zoe’s pregnancy and this party. I want this to go well; I need Zoe to feel treasured, supported and loved.’
‘He still holds a candle for you,’ said Tuesday. ‘That’s what I think. Rosalind says the same.’
Heidi rolled her eyes. Tuesday and Rosalind had developed a close bond in a short time. They seemed to tell each other everything. It was beginning to irritate her – especially if they were going to discuss her.
‘Max and I go back a long way, but that’s all,’ she said. ‘I’ve been married to Johnny for the last thirty years. He was the love of my life.’
The thought of Johnny and how much she wished he was there socked her in the stomach. She thought of the ashes in the workshop and felt compelled to go outside and chat to him.
‘Still,’ said Tuesday. ‘You could have told me. Rosalind said you were happy together at the time.’
Heidi sighed. ‘Forget about it, will you? He’s a friend. Full stop.’
‘Don’t you think that he’s around a lot for someone who’s a friend?’ Tuesday asked.
‘No, I don’t!’ Heidi retorted, slamming shut a cupboard door. ‘We work together. He was Johnny’s friend. And is my friend. He’s been a great support since Johnny died, but nothing more. Do stop going on about it. I don’t want to be discussing this right now. Can you pass me those tomatoes?’
Tuesday tossed her the packet of tomatoes, much too hard, before angrily placing a bunch of sweet williams into a green glass vase and taking it out into the garden. Heidi shook her head and took a deep breath. Who did Tuesday think she was? Waltzing into the family like she had and claiming Heidi had feelings for Max when Johnny had only just died?
She told herself to calm down, but she felt as though the world was against her. She couldn’t seem to get anything right with anyone! Scarlet was still annoyed with her about her missing the day to scatter Johnny’s ashes. Tuesday was in a storm about Max. The gambling group session with William had been disastrous. Well not the session itself, but afterwards. She should have been brave enough to go back inside, to support William, but something had stopped her. Fear? Guilt?
There was no doubt she felt guilty and sad that William’s experience had been so bad, but there was another confusing thought that kept popping into her head. Why hadn’t he told her those things before? By telling his stories in front of a bunch of strangers it was as if… as if he was punishing her. When all she’d tried to do from the moment they’d met was to be kind, offer him shelter, food, support.
She had since tried to talk to him, apologised for not going back into the meeting and suggested they return to another meeting together, but he wouldn’t commit to anything. It was as if she’d blown her chance. He’d closed up, locked her out.
In the workshop, during the mornings that he helped Max, he wore earphones, listening to music while he worked. He’d converse with Max, but not say more than a few words to Heidi. And his visits to Freddy were taking twice as long as usual. Even buying a pint of milk took two hours. She worried that he was gambling but couldn’t confront him. With him unwilling to communicate, she was unable to do anything other than search Google for as much helpful information as she possibly could. She’d printed out sheets of helpful information and slipped them under his bedroom door for him to read, along with a note that read: Can we have a proper talk? But it went unacknowledged.
Heidi thought she needed to take a step back. She needed to concentrate on her girls – in particular Zoe, who was now in her eighth month of pregnancy. She would just have to hope that William opened up again. The only thing that was important right now was this party.
She opened the freezer and collected a handful of ice cubes for a water jug when Zoe came in and kissed Heidi on the cheek.
‘Thank you for doing this, Mum,’ she said. ‘What can I do to help?’
Heidi put the ice in a jug and filled it up with water, smiling at Zoe in her black maternity dress, hair piled up on top of her head and face and neck flushed pink. Zoe picked up a newspaper and waved it like a fan in front of her face, while Heidi poured a glass of iced water for her.
‘It’s a pleasure,’ said Heidi. ‘If we’d had a wedding for you, it would have been a bigger party.’
‘I don’t want anything big,’ said Zoe. ‘This is perfect.’
She was smiling, but her brow was furrowed.
‘What’s wrong?’ said Heidi. ‘Tell me.’
‘I hope today will go alright,’ she said quietly. ‘Leo’s parents are quite straight. I think our mismatched crockery will send them into a tailspin.’
Heidi laughed and hugged her daughter.
‘I’ll make sure it goes well,’ said Heidi. ‘Leo’s parents will have a lovely time. They’ve been fairly understanding so far, haven’t they? And I’m sure they’ll understand that the crockery is deliberately mismatched. Look at it – it looks gorgeous out there. Tuesday has done a fantastic job. She’s worked so hard. I must thank her.’
They stared out of the kitchen window into the garden, which really did look beautiful. Tuesday had hung strings of paper pom-poms from tree to tree, fairy lights in preparation for the evening, and there were cushions, deckchairs and blankets on the lawn, so people could sit down.
Rosalind was sitting in a deckchair, a straw sun hat shielding her eyes. Tuesday was talking to her and Heidi felt a twinge of envy.
‘Have you accepted her yet?’ said Zoe. ‘I can’t tell if you have or not.’
‘Of course I accept her!’ Heidi said. ‘Does it not seem that way?’
Zoe shrugged. ‘Just something Grandma said,’ she said. ‘You’re only half-sisters, I guess.’
‘What did Grandma say?’ asked Heidi, frowning.
‘Oh, just that you’d been a bit cagey about Tuesday. Whatever that means.’
Heidi put her head in her hands and did a quiet scream.
‘Everything I do is judged or commented upon!’ she said. ‘I think Tuesday is great. She’s so colourful and full of energy, and Grandma loves having her around. I need to tell her that. I just… I suppose I didn’t know, when I sent her that first message, that she would become a permanent fixture. Just takes a bit of getting used to. And Grandma seems so close to her already! What about you, Zoe? How do you feel about having a brother?’
Zoe turned away from Heidi and refilled her glass of water.
‘He’s nice when he’s not drinking,’ she said. ‘Alcohol makes him harsh. Is he coming today or is he out with Freddy?’
Heidi bit the inside of her lower lip. She had tried to shield Zoe from William’s binges and dark moods, but her daughter wasn’t stupid.
‘He said he would come, but I’m not sure he will,’ she replied. ‘Anyway, we’ll see if he turns up. Meanwhile, shall we take these plates out? Guests will be here any minute. Oh, there’s the doorbell.’
‘I’ll get it,’ said Zoe, handing her pile of plates to Heidi, who rushed outside with them and placed them on the table that was covered in lace tablecloths, with vases of sweet williams.
‘People are arriving,’ she said to Tuesday and Rosalind. ‘Leo’s parents, probably. Be good.’
By early afternoon, the garden was brimming with guests. Scarlet and Frankie talked to Leo and Zoe’s friends, while Tuesday and Rosalind chatted to Alice and Katherine, Heidi’s neighbours. Heidi’s voice was hoarse from talking to Leo and his parents so much. Zoe watched her hopefully, and she kept giving her the thumbs up, to indicate all was going well and that they didn’t seem to mind the mismatched crockery. Max looked after the music and kept everyone’s drinks topped up.
‘Should I bring the pavlova out?’ Heidi asked Rosalind towards the end of the afternoon.
‘Tuesday’s got it covered,’ she replied, gesturing towards her other daughter, who was walking out from the kitchen holding the pavlova out in front of her.
‘Course she has,’ Heidi muttered.
Rosalind grabbed Heidi’s hand and squeezed. ‘Darling,’ she said. ‘I love you. Tuesday is trying hard. She will calm down.’
Heidi swallowed and gave Rosalind a small smile but felt tears pricking her eyes. Excusing herself, she popped into the workshop and sat down next to the green pot to take a moment.
‘He’s not here,’ she told Johnny’s ashes. ‘William hasn’t come, but I thought he wouldn’t. Ever since that day, the therapy session, he’s given me the silent treatment. Anyway, this is Zoe’s day. Wish me luck – I’m going to do a speech now. This is your area really, Johnny. I wish you were here.’
Heidi kissed the pot and left the workshop. Although she was gutted that William hadn’t arrived, she also felt a confusing slight sense of relief. Whenever she was in his company at the moment, she felt that he was angry with her and pushing her away. Today, she needed to be positive and upbeat for Zoe.
She returned to the garden and took the speech she’d written from her pocket. Banging a spoon on the side of a glass, she cleared her throat and climbed onto a small step. Expectant faces turned towards her.
‘I’d just like to say a few words about Zoe and Leo,’ she said, her heart banging with nerves.
At that moment, the kitchen door opened, and William walked out into the garden, holding a can of beer. His eyes were red, and as he raised his can shouting, ‘Hello,’ he swayed.
Heidi’s heart both plummeted and rose at the same time and she smiled in his direction, gave him a small wave, before she cleared her throat and continued.
‘I won’t keep you long,’ she said. ‘I’m sure you’ll join me in wishing Zoe and Leo all the love in the world for the adventure they’re about to embark on. They’ve done things their own way and long may that continue. I want you both to know that you have the support of your whole family, and I personally will do everything I can to help. It can of course be challenging, but having a child is an incredibly precious time and—’
‘Bollocks!’ interrupted William, staggering across the garden towards her. ‘What a load of tosh.’
Leo’s father spun round to challenge William. ‘I beg your pardon?’ he said. ‘Who are you?’
William glared at him. ‘I said,’ he repeated. ‘Bollocks!’
A hush descended on the group.
‘Oh, William, why don’t you go inside?’ said Heidi. ‘Please, just don’t.’
‘Don’t what?’ he said. ‘Why should I go inside? Am I not good enough for this family?’
‘William,’ interrupted Zoe, ‘this isn’t about you.’
‘Your baby is lucky,’ he said. ‘It’s wanted.’
‘Please don’t do this,’ said Zoe, her face crumpling into tears.
Leo put his arms protectively around Zoe and glared at William. ‘Shut up, you idiot!’
‘It’s alright for you,’ he said. ‘You and Scarlet had everything you wanted growing up! What about me? Out of the three of us, why was I the one that got tossed out on his ass? I didn’t fit in, did I? Didn’t fit into your rosy future.’
Heidi felt winded. ‘It wasn’t like that. This is Zoe’s day,’ she said coolly. ‘Can’t you put the past behind you?’
William lurched forward and knocked into a table of glasses. The table was unsteady and several cascaded over the edge and smashed on the ground. There was a communal gasp.
‘No,’ slurred William. ‘I can’t put the past behind me, because the past has made me who I am.’
Scarlet crossed the garden and stood in front of William’s face.
‘Go home,’ she said to him. ‘You’re drunk, you’re rude and you’re ruining everything.’
William laughed. ‘I don’t have a home. Can you imagine what that’s like, Scarlet? You’re so entitled I don’t suppose you can. You’re all so smug.’
‘Smug?’ said Scarlet. ‘We’ve all bent over backwards trying to include you in our lives.’
‘Hardly,’ he said. ‘You’ve made it clear you resent me from the moment I met you. Johnny told me all about you, and I thought maybe we’d get on. I didn’t expect you to treat me like something you found on your shoe. How do you think that feels, eh? Do you think your dad would be proud of you?’
William’s face was contorted with fury, and he opened his mouth to continue, but he’d crossed a line and Scarlet had heard enough. Heidi stepped towards them, but before she could act, Scarlet raised her right hand and slapped William hard around the face.
‘Go to hell,’ she said, while he held his cheek and staggered backwards.
‘Scarlet!’ said Zoe, grabbing her arm and pulling her away from William.
Suddenly, Zoe bent forward, with her hands on her bump and groaned, obviously in pain.
‘Oh my God, Zoe,’ said Heidi, rushing towards her. ‘Are you okay? Sit down. Please sit down. Someone get her some cold water.’
With Heidi on one side and Leo on the other, they helped Zoe over to the bench. Scarlet gave her a glass of water. She took a sip and closed her eyes.
‘Happy now?’ Scarlet spat at William, who looked terrified.
‘Are you alright?’ he asked in concern, ignoring Scarlet. ‘Zoe, are you okay? You need to breathe. When Freddy was born, he came really quickly.’
‘The baby’s not coming,’ said Zoe. ‘I think he or she kicked me in a strang
e way, or it’s a Braxton Hicks contraction.’
‘You should come with me,’ said Max to William, grabbing him by the elbow and steering him towards the workshop and slamming the door shut.
‘Just rest there for a moment,’ said Heidi, her heart in her mouth, gently stroking Zoe’s back. ‘Perhaps we should take you to the hospital?’
‘It’s okay,’ Zoe said. ‘It’s passing. I definitely don’t need to go to the hospital. I learned about these in my antenatal group. I just need to have a lie-down.’
‘Do you want to go up to your room?’ said Heidi.
‘Maybe Zoe could come home with us for a bit?’ said Shelley, Leo’s mum. ‘Just while you’re sorting things out here? We have a lovely spare room where she can quietly rest. Leo will look after her, and we’ll call if there’s any change.’
‘I-I’m so sorry about all this,’ Heidi stuttered. ‘We have a few family things going on… What do you think, Zoe? I just want you to be okay.’
‘I think I’ll go to Leo’s for a bit,’ she said. ‘Sorry, Mum. Thank you.’
Heidi held in her tears and nodded, watching helplessly while the guests politely gathered their things. William and Max’s raised voices emanated from the workshop. They were having one hell of an argument. Scarlet emptied her glass and shook her head at Heidi.
‘Why didn’t you tell William to go?’ said Scarlet, gesturing at the workshop. ‘Why are you letting Zoe leave, when it’s a party for her? Why don’t you tell William to just… fuck off out of our lives? He’s just caused a massive scene!’
‘Scarlet,’ said Frankie. ‘Calm down.’
Heidi sat down heavily on a chair.
‘Scarlet,’ Heidi said. ‘You slapped William round the face. Why did you do that? How can that ever be the answer?’
Scarlet shook her head and grabbed Frankie’s hand. ‘I’ve had enough of you being so weak,’ she said to Heidi. ‘While William is still here, I’m going and I’m not coming back.’